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Original poster

Should I go back to him...

38 replies

wintersparkle1987 · 02/04/2022 21:06

I left the family home 6 months ago and ex DP stayed in the house and I moved back to my parents with the kids. I was heartbroken but he said he wasn't happy and hadn't been for a long time.
In this time I've got a little part time job (I was a SAHM), been seeing someone new who I was friends with before, trying to see friends etc.
I actually really like the new guy. It's just been a friendship that progressed. We've been out for meals, days shopping, lunch dates, he's met my cousin (not kids or my parents), we sit in bars etc and have really long deep chats. I really feel listened to and cared for with him.
ex dp now wants to talk. I do miss the family life and wondering if I should give it a chance.
But then I don't know if I'd be letting myself down . What do you think ?
Thank you
X

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/04/2022 21:11

Don’t look back; he’s your ex for a reason

PussInBin20 · 02/04/2022 21:13

There’s a reason you split and it will never be the same second time around. What’s changed his mind if he hasn’t been happy in a long time?

I would say you are doing brill as you are from the sounds of it. Why go back? Is it a case of the grass wasn’t greener for him? I would be cautious of him and his words.

Good luck OP.

Original poster
wintersparkle1987 · 02/04/2022 21:40

Thank you both. He's saying he wants to talk to "iron out" our issues and maybe get back together. He just said I made him unhappy and feel unloved, I never wanted sex. It's strange as I honestly thought I had no sex drive due to having young kids but something with this new guy has brought it back for me. It's just his kindness and how he is with me?
It's just seeing families out having days together when it hits me I suppose, and the fact I'm literally living in my old childhood bedroom but now with 2 kids.

OP posts:
Twizbe · 02/04/2022 21:50

I didn't even need to read your post to answer no!

He's an ex for a reason. A few more months and your job will enable you to find a new place.

You can have family days out with a new partner. You can have family days out with your ex for birthdays if you keep things civil.

Don't go back to him though.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/04/2022 21:54

I left dp... He spent 6 months convincing me he had changed... Got back together and even got married. 2 weeks post wedding I realised he was still a twat.. Didn't last a year.
Ime you have ripped the plaster op... Start making a life for yourself now.

Original poster
wintersparkle1987 · 02/04/2022 22:10

I'm not sure I'll be able to afford my own place especially with this cost of living crisis. I've applied for universal credit but they will only let me have it for 6 months as my name is still on the mortgage so it's classed as an income - he doesn't want to take my name off the mortgage as it would make his payments go up!!
I have no where to store mine and the childrens clothes and belongings so the majority of them are still at the house.

OP posts:
Zerrin13 · 02/04/2022 22:17

Why did you leave the house?

Original poster
wintersparkle1987 · 02/04/2022 22:21

I couldn't bear being there anymore and he said I should go as I have family to go to and he doesn't.

OP posts:
Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 02/04/2022 22:21

Why is he still in the house and you are camping with two children elsewhere? To be honest that says everything we need to know about your ex, he is appalling. Dont even consider going back to him. What about your equity in the house, is he paying child support?

HollowTalk · 02/04/2022 22:24

Lack of kindness is a really big relationship killer. He might be able to fake it now but if he is basically an unkind man than that won't change.

DrBrennerFan · 02/04/2022 22:25

Don’t even go there I’ve read the posts here he’s a disgrace.

MostlyOk · 02/04/2022 22:26

You sound happy and at peace in the new life you are building for yourself. The new chap sounds lovely and as though he's brought joy back to your life. Why change that?

aurynne · 02/04/2022 22:27

This contact wanting to go back is unlikely to be random. He probably heard you looked happy with a new person and he got possessive. Mark my words: if you go back to him he'll be wonderful for 2 weeks... and after that he'll discard you again like a used tissue.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/04/2022 22:31

It sounds more like reality is hitting him rather than that he wants you back for you. Poor diddums, his mortgage payments will go up will they
And he intends that you do all the work to make the relationship work.

I would not look back. Go and see CAB about how to maximise your financial position. Once you sell the house and have savings in the bank your benefits entitlement will change.

But move on with your life and be happy

Pessismistic · 02/04/2022 22:50

It is upto you but the fact he let you and his kids squash up in your old bedroom says a lot he wasn't happy decision made by him now he wants a talk him making the decision again. Your dp makes you happy don't throw it away for a maybe. You are entitled to child maintenance and I would be pushing to sell the house you never know you might end up in a new home with your current dp. Has your ex realised your happy and moving on and he doesn't like this. Or does he not want you but doesn't want anyone else having you. Please think long and hard this is major and I would be really wary of going back and he tells you a few months down the line your not making him happy you are back to square one And will lose some one decent. Good luck op.

Original poster
wintersparkle1987 · 03/04/2022 10:17

Thank you everyone. He moved up here for me 10 years ago from the south west and his parents moved abroad in the mean time, so he says he has no where else to go where as I have my parents house so I should be the one to move out. Also he can't afford to rent anywhere while paying the mortgage too he says.
But yes he was quite happy to see all of us squashed into one bedroom over winter and my dad couldn't afford to fill the oil tank so it was pretty cold on a night.
He's sent £400 the past 2 months for both kids.
I don't think he knows about my new partner as we've kept it quite quiet, my 3 best friends and cousins know and that's it.
It's like he doesn't really want me but he just wants to keep me hanging on.
He somehow took me off the mortgage without me knowing!! Then when he realised how much his payments went up he said it was accidental that he had taken me off and asked if I would add myself back on.
I have no idea where I'm going to put all of mine and the kids belongings. The fact he said I made him so unhappy makes me wonder if it was my fault.

OP posts:
Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 03/04/2022 10:22

See a solicitor about forcing a sale.

gonnascreamsoon · 03/04/2022 11:51

OP, he doesn't want you back, and he's not interested in 'making it work'.

What he DOES want is his cushy life back.

He wants to stay living in HIS house, with HIS 'maid' to do all the work.

He was quick enough (and deceitful enough !) to break the law to get you removed from the mortgage, just so that you would not have a 'claim' to any part of HIS house ! (At least that's what he thought anyway !)

He's now come to realise that

  1. You DO have a 'claim' on the house, if you legally separate.
  2. He would've had to pay more money as a result of taking you off the mortgage.(And he'd broken the law !)
  3. It's not fun to have to do all the cooking/cleaning/laundry/shopping
  4. He'd rather get you back to do the work, but he wants YOU to be 'begging' to come 'home', so you'll be 'grateful' !

Nothing about going back would benefit YOU, only him !

He's STILL not bloody 'happy', and he never will be either ! It was NEVER about YOU !

Stay at your parents and continue to build your life back up as a single parent.
Make an appointment with a solicitor ASAP and get proper legal advice in how to financially separate from him, so that you have some capital to help you get a place of your own.

balalake · 03/04/2022 14:30

Seek legal advice about the house. Your conversations should be about when the children visit him, those type of practical matters, not about re-starting the relationship.

BlingLoving · 03/04/2022 14:33

Yeah, I bet he's suddenly realised that the cooking and cleaning and all the rest isn't being magically done any more. A man who sends no money for his kids (and it sounds lie he hasn't been spending time with them either?) is not a keeper. Also the fact that he blamed YOU for his supposed unhappiness is a massive red flag.

If you're married, start divorce proceedings. Ifyou're not, speak to a solicitor about how you go about getting your share of the equity out of the house. Ditto CMS payments.

And enjoy the new man.

Original poster
wintersparkle1987 · 04/04/2022 11:20

Thank you all x

OP posts:
Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 04/04/2022 11:21

And it's a big fat NO from me , as well.

Yahyahs22 · 04/04/2022 11:29

The fact he's happy for you to be squished in one room with your children, blames everything on you going wrong AND won't take your name off the mortgage to benefit himself instead of benefitting you says it all to me tbh.

Watchkeys · 04/04/2022 11:49

The fact he said I made him so unhappy makes me wonder if it was my fault

But even if it was, that's a further reason to stay away from him. Be around people who are happy in your company, and whose company you are happy in. That's all any of us ever needs to know about relationships.

Sometimes 2 perfectly nice people can make each other unhappy, just by being themselves. The right thing to do is create distance, rather than trying to change yourself into someone who makes someone else happy.

Nobody considering a healthy relationship would be posting on a forum to find out whether they should do it. Just the fact you're asking the question means it's a 'no'.

altmember · 04/04/2022 11:52

I wouldn't go back. Surprised you're even considering it, given what you've said. But he's apparently considered the last 6 months as a trial separation, whereas you've moved on. Be ready for him to take it badly when you tell him it's definitely over.

Are you married to him?

Also, you can't just add and remove people from mortgages/deeds trivially. You would know about it if he really had (unless he's been forging your signature, but that would probably need a bent solicitor as well). So don't believe a word of that, speak to the lender and check land registry titles for yourself.

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