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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MOTHER-IN-LAW

36 replies

CrazyWorld21 · 02/04/2022 17:12

Hi everyone

I’m a single mum to 3 (2 toddlers and a 1 year old) and looking for advice with regards to my mother-in-law who hasn’t seen my kids for nearly a year (my choice). I’d really like to hear what you would do in my situation or from those that have had to make a similar choice.

A little back story, will try to keep it short…ish lol

Last year my partner was arrested (6am knock on the door and 7 police officers, you get the idea) for possession of underage child pornography. At this point, I already knew that he had a porn addiction as I had found out that he had been Webcaming random people, downloading so many different kinds of dating apps and talking to women online. He admitted that he even watched porn at work. He promised me that he wanted to stop and was even in therapy with a lot of encouragement from me. I wanted to help him and save our family. However, with his arrest, I ended our relationship and with the involvement of social services, he now gets weekly supervised visits with our children.

Looking back, I think I was in complete denial. The police couldn’t tell me anything, he promised me that it wasn’t ‘hard stuff’ and that he just ended up in this dark place and I believed him. That’s not to say I didn’t feel angry and disgusted with him, I did but I also felt so sorry for him. I made all the excuses, he was depressed, his childhood affected him so badly (it did) but now I’m seeing him for who he is. He at one point managed to make me believe that his depression and porn addiction was my fault. I was a nag. I worried too much about how the house looked. I wasn’t good with money. The sex stopped when I first got pregnant. He had to work to provide for us and it was all too much for him. And all of this was encouraged by his mother.

We were together nearly ten years and I knew she had her issues but I really began to hate his mum with a passion. She was passive aggressive, controlling in a very subtle way but not once until after his arrest, did I realise just how codependent their relationship was. My partner was always the Golden child who could do no wrong and his sibling was the ‘Bad child’. He could never stand up to her and I just hoped that he would ‘grow out of it’. Ha!

I also found out after my ex was arrested that she said to him that our baby (the youngest) had ‘F*** this family’. I’m assuming she meant that it was all too much pressure for her precious son and that was when I stopped her seeing the kids. What a nasty, cruel thing to say about a 6 month old! Obviously there is more to this (she favoured one of my children to the point of creepiness but assured me ‘she loves them all equally) but If I wrote everything down, this would turn into an essay! But that comment was the straw that broke the camel's back.

She is now in contact again wanting to see the kids. She says she doesn’t remember saying that about my baby but if she did then she can’t imagine what she was feeling, she feels very sorry and ashamed for having said it. It’s bull and I know that but I feel such guilt about not letting her see her grandchildren.

I have friends and family that are split as well. Some say, let her see the kids but set strong boundaries with her but can you even set boundaries with someone like that and should I have too? And some say, absolutely not. That one comment alone would be enough for her to never see the kids again.

My gut instinct is that I never want to see her again and I don’t want her around my children but a huge part of me is so tired emotionally that I just want peace. I don’t want to have to be dealing with this, on top of everything else. The court case, if there is one, won’t be for another year at least. I have no idea what the future holds and I’m just trying to take each day as it comes.

She has a good job, goes to church, has friends and a good social life but she is such a victim that even I fall for it and end up feeling sorry for her, despite knowing what I know! It’s so confusing!

I used to be such a confident person and I hate this insecure person I’ve become that doesn’t even know what to do.

Please help.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 02/04/2022 17:16

She has a good job, goes to church, has friends and a good social life

Same could be said of many of the worst criminals.

Other than some peace (which blocking her would also obtain) what will you and your children benefit from with her being back in contact?

BeanyBops · 02/04/2022 17:23

I think snowyowl has nailed it really. A good old fashioned pro and cons list could help you get a few things straight in your own mind.

gamerchick · 02/04/2022 17:27

He was arrested for having child abuse videos. There's no such thing as child porn and there aren't levels of soft or hard the way you're describing, they're all vile. They can't be excused. He's vermin.

I'd be upsetting the MIL once and for all, telling her she raised a nonce and you can't get past that or what she said. Protect your kids.

Awrite · 02/04/2022 17:28

I wouldn't let her anywhere near my children. Just not worth the risk.

Risk v reward - there's not even much of a reward, is there?

No brainer.

DebtheSander · 02/04/2022 17:29

Actually, this could be quite straightforward. You are no longer with her son so it is up to him to sort contact between the dc and his mother. The fact that he has to see them supervised is not your problem.

It is not your responsibility to facilitate contact with his mother. Block her and concentrate on building your own support network with the people you love and trust.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2022 17:29

I wonder why she has chosen to get in contact with you now?.

Do not fall for her BS. She knows what she said and she meant every word. She knows why you cut her off. People like this too do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Do you think she feels guilt here; no not a bit of it. She is playing on you and your emotions, she sees you as a soft touch. Why do you feel guilt; it may be because you are kind and empathetic but people like this see such purely as a weakness to exploit and or get what they want. And these people are often so called "pillars of the community". I could not give a shiny shit about she having a good job, friends, blah blah. It means nothing.

Keep your children as well as your own self well away from his mother. She is toxic and a complete liability.

She's already shown overt favouritism to one of your children and that is basically the same dynamic as she meted out to her own now adult children. She has not changed an iota since their own childhoods.
Go with your gut instinct of never wanting to see her again. You do not owe her anything anyway, let alone a relationship here with your children; your most precious of resource.

CheshireCats · 02/04/2022 17:34

I would say keep her away. Favourites and scapegoats is a very damaging environment to grow up in.
Protect your children from that. They already have a paedo Dad to contend with as they grow up. They do not need a toxic Grandmother too.

billy1966 · 02/04/2022 17:41

Listen to your gut.

She brings nothing to your life but stress.

You do not need additional stress.

Flowers
HellToTheNope · 02/04/2022 17:43

Block. Her. Immediately.

M0rT · 02/04/2022 17:43

She raised a child abuser and was too obsessive about one of your children, keep her far far away from your family.

CPL593H · 02/04/2022 17:52

Good grandparents are an absolute blessing. Nothing you've said points to the fact she is one, quite the reverse.

Think about how contact would work, too. You would have to supervise it, because if she saw them on her own, apart from it being a terrible idea generally, there is the risk she could give access to her golden child son.

You owe her nothing and your children will not miss out. Stop feeling guilty and concentrate on them and rebuilding your life. Flowers

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 02/04/2022 17:54

It won't ever be enough for her though, will it? Now it's she just wants to see them. Then she'll want to see them for longer / more often. Then it'll be she wants to go for a walk with them without you. Then she'll want to do a day out with them. Then it'll be without you. Then it'll be overnight without you. At some point in the 'without you' it'll be with your ex.

You won't get the peace you crave because she'll always be push push pushing. I'd block her if I'm honest.

RiaG91 · 02/04/2022 17:59

I'm not going to offer my opinion on whether or not I think you should or shouldn't let her see the children.

The only thing I will say is how would you feel if you decide to refuse and she takes a stand by applying for visitation via the courts?

At the moment, you have the ability to take control and boundaries, but if she were to apply to the courts then the situation becomes something that you can't control.

None of the above means that I'm swayed either way. I'm just playing devils advocate as it's the first thing that came to my mind and it doesn't look as though anyone else has considered this yet.

GrimDamnFanjo · 02/04/2022 18:15

@RiaG91

I'm not going to offer my opinion on whether or not I think you should or shouldn't let her see the children.

The only thing I will say is how would you feel if you decide to refuse and she takes a stand by applying for visitation via the courts?

At the moment, you have the ability to take control and boundaries, but if she were to apply to the courts then the situation becomes something that you can't control.

None of the above means that I'm swayed either way. I'm just playing devils advocate as it's the first thing that came to my mind and it doesn't look as though anyone else has considered this yet.

Would she have any success given that there was no marriage?
KatieKat88 · 02/04/2022 18:42

@RiaG91

I'm not going to offer my opinion on whether or not I think you should or shouldn't let her see the children.

The only thing I will say is how would you feel if you decide to refuse and she takes a stand by applying for visitation via the courts?

At the moment, you have the ability to take control and boundaries, but if she were to apply to the courts then the situation becomes something that you can't control.

None of the above means that I'm swayed either way. I'm just playing devils advocate as it's the first thing that came to my mind and it doesn't look as though anyone else has considered this yet.

It sounds like she's had very little relationship with the children- I wouldn't have thought she'd be granted contact by a court because of this? There aren't really grandparents rights I thought?
Vallmo47 · 02/04/2022 18:46

OP no, just no. Protect your babies.

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 02/04/2022 18:47

Her application wouldn't even make it to court. Nc for a year in 2 very small dc's lives? They don't even know each other
. A stable relationship that is a miss to dc is one worthy of a solicitor making an application.. She has nothing to show between herself and your dc....
Don't worry op. Block her and move on.

vincettenoir · 02/04/2022 18:52

Can she join in on the supervised contact visits that your ex has? Then that becomes an issue for those 2 to work out together and you can sidestep the negotiations.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2022 18:54

Indeed she would have to prove to the court that access would be beneficial to her grandchildren. She would have to provide evidence.

Indeed block her and rebuild your life. You do not owe her anything here.

Madre123 · 02/04/2022 18:58

Tell them all to quite politely...F....OFF...! 😡

Moodycow78 · 02/04/2022 19:07

@RiaG91

I'm not going to offer my opinion on whether or not I think you should or shouldn't let her see the children.

The only thing I will say is how would you feel if you decide to refuse and she takes a stand by applying for visitation via the courts?

At the moment, you have the ability to take control and boundaries, but if she were to apply to the courts then the situation becomes something that you can't control.

None of the above means that I'm swayed either way. I'm just playing devils advocate as it's the first thing that came to my mind and it doesn't look as though anyone else has considered this yet.

Grandparents have no right to contact with their GC, she can try and take OP to court all she likes and would get nowhere 🙄
PersephonePomegranate · 02/04/2022 19:30

Everything you've said about this woman screams red flag and I think this:

but can you even set boundaries with someone like that

Hits the nail on the head because usually, you can't.

maddy68 · 02/04/2022 21:40

She is their grandmother and keeping your children away from her is toxic for you all. She apologized for her horrible comment

Set clear boundaries but do enable contact. Your children may hold this against you in years to come (my own mum did something similar to me and I have never forgiven her )

CousinKrispy · 02/04/2022 22:47

I completely disagree with maddy68, and agree with posters above who point out that the "scapegoats and golden child" dynamic is an utterly toxic one and you are entirely justified in protecting your children from it.

she didn't just make one "horrible comment." She's got a long history of emotionally abusive behaviour to her own children (because that's what scapegoats and golden child is). And was starting to repeat it with your children. Protect them.

Amybelle88 · 02/04/2022 22:51

@gamerchick

He was arrested for having child abuse videos. There's no such thing as child porn and there aren't levels of soft or hard the way you're describing, they're all vile. They can't be excused. He's vermin.

I'd be upsetting the MIL once and for all, telling her she raised a nonce and you can't get past that or what she said. Protect your kids.

Agree 👌
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