Hi everyone
I’m a single mum to 3 (2 toddlers and a 1 year old) and looking for advice with regards to my mother-in-law who hasn’t seen my kids for nearly a year (my choice). I’d really like to hear what you would do in my situation or from those that have had to make a similar choice.
A little back story, will try to keep it short…ish lol
Last year my partner was arrested (6am knock on the door and 7 police officers, you get the idea) for possession of underage child pornography. At this point, I already knew that he had a porn addiction as I had found out that he had been Webcaming random people, downloading so many different kinds of dating apps and talking to women online. He admitted that he even watched porn at work. He promised me that he wanted to stop and was even in therapy with a lot of encouragement from me. I wanted to help him and save our family. However, with his arrest, I ended our relationship and with the involvement of social services, he now gets weekly supervised visits with our children.
Looking back, I think I was in complete denial. The police couldn’t tell me anything, he promised me that it wasn’t ‘hard stuff’ and that he just ended up in this dark place and I believed him. That’s not to say I didn’t feel angry and disgusted with him, I did but I also felt so sorry for him. I made all the excuses, he was depressed, his childhood affected him so badly (it did) but now I’m seeing him for who he is. He at one point managed to make me believe that his depression and porn addiction was my fault. I was a nag. I worried too much about how the house looked. I wasn’t good with money. The sex stopped when I first got pregnant. He had to work to provide for us and it was all too much for him. And all of this was encouraged by his mother.
We were together nearly ten years and I knew she had her issues but I really began to hate his mum with a passion. She was passive aggressive, controlling in a very subtle way but not once until after his arrest, did I realise just how codependent their relationship was. My partner was always the Golden child who could do no wrong and his sibling was the ‘Bad child’. He could never stand up to her and I just hoped that he would ‘grow out of it’. Ha!
I also found out after my ex was arrested that she said to him that our baby (the youngest) had ‘F*** this family’. I’m assuming she meant that it was all too much pressure for her precious son and that was when I stopped her seeing the kids. What a nasty, cruel thing to say about a 6 month old! Obviously there is more to this (she favoured one of my children to the point of creepiness but assured me ‘she loves them all equally) but If I wrote everything down, this would turn into an essay! But that comment was the straw that broke the camel's back.
She is now in contact again wanting to see the kids. She says she doesn’t remember saying that about my baby but if she did then she can’t imagine what she was feeling, she feels very sorry and ashamed for having said it. It’s bull and I know that but I feel such guilt about not letting her see her grandchildren.
I have friends and family that are split as well. Some say, let her see the kids but set strong boundaries with her but can you even set boundaries with someone like that and should I have too? And some say, absolutely not. That one comment alone would be enough for her to never see the kids again.
My gut instinct is that I never want to see her again and I don’t want her around my children but a huge part of me is so tired emotionally that I just want peace. I don’t want to have to be dealing with this, on top of everything else. The court case, if there is one, won’t be for another year at least. I have no idea what the future holds and I’m just trying to take each day as it comes.
She has a good job, goes to church, has friends and a good social life but she is such a victim that even I fall for it and end up feeling sorry for her, despite knowing what I know! It’s so confusing!
I used to be such a confident person and I hate this insecure person I’ve become that doesn’t even know what to do.
Please help.