Is there therapy for this?

[picolata]

My husband doesn't have much control over the way he reacts to things and is very defensive.

For example if I'm struggling with anything and ask for help, his reaction is saying he shouldn't need to help because he did XYZ, or sighing and doing it reluctantly.

If I try and talk about it he says
“Oh we need to pick through all this now do we?”

Basically he is a grumpy sod, he knows it and says he doesn't want to react like that but when he is asked to do something it triggers a rebellious feeling and he can't over come it. He's always been like this but Im getting to the point where I just can't tolerate it any more. If he is willing to work at it, I'd like to give him that opportunity.

So what is the best way for him to work on this?
My feeling is that he needs to figure out where this comes from and maybe some coaching on being assertive (rather than passive aggressive)

Does he react like this with everyone?

@PermanentTemporary good question.
At work he doesn't have people asking him to do things as he's the boss.
Friends or strangers he wouldn't speak to like this.

I would say he is like it most with me but also with the kids and his parents (but to a lesser extent)

No. He’s a lazy and selfish. My ex husband was the same. The only way to stop that reaction from him was for me to do everything . That didn’t happen and we are now divorced, it wasn’t the only reason but it was a large part of it

He sounds fucking exhausting. Was he always like this??

@NorthSouthcatlady
I'm starting to think the same.
I have to say he does do his fair share of chores eg he cooks all meals washes up etc it's just that everything has to be on his terms. He has to decide to do it, he can't seem to tolerate being asked to help.

It's not a nice existence is it? Being treated as a source of irritation, frustration and nagging.

There is therapy for this but it needs to be sought and really really wanted by the PA partner. Usually they don't seek it, and definitely don't want it because... well why would they? The way things are they get to do things their way, why would they change that?

There are many threads on passive aggression here, when I read them it was a light bulb moment for me because I could have written pretty much all of the posts about my husband.

It didn't get better for me, it got worse. Because at the end of the day he wanted it his way and he didn't really like me at all, I was just a convenience to achieve his ends and an emotional punch bag when he felt like it. There was financial abuse too.

My exH also was great in a lot of ways, for example he did his share of cleaning and cooking. If I asked him to do something he would grump, pull faces, forget or punish me subtly later with stonewalling and sabotage for daring to ask him to do something. Or for other infractions that I had made that were only his to know.

The saddest thing about it was that I spent so so long trying to get us as a team to work together and 'fix' things. It left me utterly exhausted in the end and massively depressed by the time I finally left.

Luckily I didn't have children with him. Unfortunately your children are seeing how he treats you and internalising that as normal, and worse he is treating them the same and they will internalise that too.

I feel really sorry for you but you need to leave for the sake of you and your children, he knows what he's doing within himself is wrong and I bet you've pointed it out to him too but yet he hasn't tried to change, because he doesn't care to. Sorry

@TheGrinchsDog
Yes it is exhausting. When we spoke recently he said he does want to try and have therapy. He does want a happier family life so I'd like to give him the opportunity to try.
What kind of therapy would cover this do you think?

You can't make him deal with it. But you can deal with it. Leaving seems like a very sensible plan.

[quote picolata]@TheGrinchsDog
Yes it is exhausting. When we spoke recently he said he does want to try and have therapy. He does want a happier family life so I'd like to give him the opportunity to try.
What kind of therapy would cover this do you think? [/quote]
Bollocks. If he wanted to change he would do something about it. And yet here you are trying to fix him.

I think the only therapy needed OP is for you, to try to figure out why you accept being treated like this by the man that is supposed to love and care for you.

So he's not like this in work (he wasn't always a boss surely he started out at the bottom like the rest of us) he doesn't treat friends like this, just you and your DC and to a lesser degree his parents, all people he may feel have to tolerate this, that have to stay and can't leave, maybe he feels a bit superior to? So he can control this when he wants, he's just not wanting to with you.

The only therapy I can think of is either 'leaving' or 'divorce' - or both, in that order.

He's idle and manipulative. I was married to someone like this and they don't change (we are now divorced).
All this talk about 'therapy' is just him procrastinating.

He doesn't need therapy! He just needs to think before he speaks. If he knows he's likely to come out with some twattish comeback every time he's asked to do something, he just needs to count to 5 and run his reply through his head before he says it out loud.

He's not interested in wanting a happier family life; he is telling you what you want to hear. Do not do your bit here in kicking the can down the road.

His only concern here is his own self. He does this because he can and he's learnt that this works for him.

Such men too hate women and all of them starting with his mother.

Why indeed have you accepted being treated like this by him, by a person who is supposed to love and cherish your very being?. Did you see a similar dynamic to now as a child?.

If he does want therapy and want to change, it is up to him to sort it out. You cannot take responsibility for fixing him. If he doesn't make attempts to change but instead relies on you to source therapy for him, you know he's not really that bothered.

There is therapy for this - but he has to want to do it. His defence mechanisms are being triggered. He interprets your request as a criticism - eg he hears, "why haven't you stopped being lazy and done this already?" even though you actually said, "please can you put the bin out?" Therapy would give him space to pick through his past to find out where this comes from. I imagine it would have been a critical adult eg parent or teacher but he will know and be able to access the memory with support. Once he acknowledges that 'that was then and this is now' he will be able to let that defence mechanism go. But it takes willingness and some mental work. CBT or person centred would be the way forward initially.

@growinggreyer yes I think it comes down to critical parents. He has undiagnosed dyspraxia so struggled with processes and by association with what they would have seen as 'manly' things like fixing a car or working a screw driver.
Also was bullied as a child, by other kids so I think that defensiveness is wired in from that

If he truly wants to change, and accepts that his behavior towards you and the DC is damaging and unfair, then he'll be the one researching therapeutic approaches and interviewing therapists. Yet here you are, op, yet again being forced by him into a parenting role.

I can't imagine that you married him in the hopes of becoming his mother. Has his behaviour worsened with the arrival of DC?

It seems to be a case of Man In Charge syndrome, otherwise known as the Great I Am.

Don't know what the answer is, though.

Shouldn’t HE be the one asking this question? If you are doing the leg work of looking into this he clearly doesn’t actually want to change. There’s no therapy for being an arsehole.

it's just that everything has to be on his terms. He has to decide to do it, he can't seem to tolerate being asked to help.

I've been divorced for a few years now. I recently, absent mindedly, asked a man I was working with to pass me something and as soon as the words were out my mouth I froze, terrified, waiting for the reaction. It didn't come, he passed me the thing, and everything was normal. My reaction, after so long, was quite telling.

There are nearly always childhood reasons for abusers' behaviour. Non abusers have had difficult childhoods too.That doesn't make the abuse okay and neither does it make it fixable. They choose to abuse.

How is he in other areas of your relationship, picolata?

@Orgasmagorical in other areas of our life.. well he does all the cooking, much of the cleaning and housework etc. so I'd say he pulls his weight but I struggle to feel close to him because for me teamwork is the main part of a relationship and I don't feel like we have that.
We tick along fine as long as I don't need to ask him for anything. It does mean that if I'm ever struggling, asking him for help results in more stress for me. Also the kids (10&7) are copying his passive aggressive way of communicating and saying things like "no it's fine I'll just do it myself" or being quite shouty.

The kind of events that should be enjoyable like having friends over, going away or kids birthdays are always crunch points as they require team work and I always end up feeling badly let down.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation He probably was like this before the kids but as I didn't depend on him then, it wasn't so evident. It's only once I had a baby that I had to communicate about who was doing what, ask him to pass things while I breast fed etc.
10 years later, here we are.

@Regularsizedrudy your right, he should be the one asking the question but he doesn't have the vocabulary / understanding that he can change his reactions to even ask the question if I'm honest.

[quote picolata]@Regularsizedrudy your right, he should be the one asking the question but he doesn't have the vocabulary / understanding that he can change his reactions to even ask the question if I'm honest. [/quote]
Oh please! of course he does! He’s not mentally delayed?! The status quo works fine for him, that’s why he doesn’t change or seek help

It does mean that if I'm ever struggling, asking him for help results in more stress for me.

There was one occasion when I was really struggling after an operation, I was supposed to be recuperating but as he wouldn't do anything to help I had to struggle to do it myself. The tears were streaming down my face, in pain and frustration at his absolute cuntishness, and I looked up at him and the smug sneer on his face told me everything I needed to know (if I didn't already) about how he felt about me.

I also had similar things when there were family gatherings at our house, I'd be doing everything to prepare for it and he would be doing stupid dances and getting angry that I wasn't laughing at his delightful entertainment. He really was a prize tit.

in other areas of our life.. well he does all the cooking, much of the cleaning and housework etc. so I'd say he pulls his weight but I struggle to feel close to him because for me teamwork is the main part of a relationship and I don't feel like we have that.

No emotional connection? Apart from when you're on your knees and desperate? That's when he reacts?

I would step back a bit, don't tell him how he's making you feel. People like him use your unhappiness as a fuel. It's shit, you have my sympathies