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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would I be justified in breaking up our family?

44 replies

Sorrypup · 01/04/2022 09:34

I've always been bad at relationships. I like to be alone and in the past have been pretty immature at throwing away relationships and not taking them seriously.

However now I have a child with my partner and am aware I can't take things so lightly anymore. I feel like our relationship has completely broken down, but I don't want to destroy my daughter's family for no real reason.

Here's my reasons for feeling this way.
My partner:

Doesn't wash, change his clothes or brush his teeth. He maybe has a shower every three weeks but I have never seen him use a toothbrush.

We don't have sex, mainly because of the above.

He does nothing around the house. He has one job, changing the cat litter and will say things like "I only did it 3 days ago" Envy disgusting.

He constantly says I'm boring and no fun.

We spend no time together because he plays video games all evening.

He's never spent more than 3 hours alone with our child (she's three)

He works from home but refuses to move his desk out our living room, our home has become his office.

There's many more but I'm sure you get the picture. I'm fed up. This is reason enough, isn't it?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/04/2022 09:36

You don’t actually need a reason, although I would say you have a few there
If you don’t want to be with him then don’t be

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 01/04/2022 09:38

All more than enough, he sounds utterly repulsive and I would not want my child to grow up around such an incredibly poor role model. Please get your child as far away from this man as possible and try to raise her so she has too much self esteem to put up with this in a partner. You wont destroy her family if you stay, you will destroy her life.

Tlollj · 01/04/2022 09:38

Yep they’re good enough reasons in my book. Also it’s him that will be breaking up the family because of his actions not you.

mumjustmum · 01/04/2022 09:38

Have you told him that he needs to shape up? I genuinely can't understand how you've put up with the washing and teeth brushing.

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2022 09:39

You’re not in a sexual or emotional relationship, are you? Or a co-parenting one really.

You’re just living with an overgrown teenage boy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/04/2022 09:40

Yes it is. And besides which you only need to give your own self permission to leave.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what is she learning here?. Would you want her to be in a relationship like this as an adult, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Ask yourself too why you've always been bad at relationships; consider seeing a BACP registered therapist regarding what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/04/2022 09:40

If this is real, I’m amazed you’re still there!
Yes, reasons aplenty.

Original poster
Sorrypup · 01/04/2022 09:41

Thank you for the responses so far.
Yes I have told him to shape up, many times, he changes for a day or two then it's back to normal.
And yes I definitely have been considering therapy for my own childhood issues. I think it would be good for me.

OP posts:
AbbieLexie · 01/04/2022 09:41

Yes. This will only get worse.

Lottapianos · 01/04/2022 09:42

All of what Attila said. Dear god OP, he sounds absolutely vile. Life will be so much more pleasant for you without him in your home. A shower every THREE WEEKS?! Utterly revolting

And please see a therapist. Best thing I ever did

Howmanydaysuntilfriday · 01/04/2022 09:45

Why doesn't he shower or brush his teeth? Is this a mental health issue? Could you start buy telling him your unhappy and can he make some small changes to start with like brushing his teeth

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2022 09:45

I can tell you that the older our children get, the more we reflect on what we’re teaching them, what they’re seeing as their model for life and relationships and respect and the role of women and men in the world.

You shouldn’t think about this as “destroying your daughter’s family” you should think about whether this is the family life your daughter deserves to grow up with.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 01/04/2022 09:47

@Howmanydaysuntilfriday

Why doesn't he shower or brush his teeth? Is this a mental health issue? Could you start buy telling him your unhappy and can he make some small changes to start with like brushing his teeth
Nah women and children are not rehab centres for useless stinking males who only want to play games with their lives. He can sort his mental health (or not) on his own.
Original poster
Sorrypup · 01/04/2022 09:49

I have definitely been thinking about how it's effecting our daughter. This is why I'm posting today, the neighbour asked our daughter if daddy was at work and she replied "Daddy's not nice to mummy." She's never heard me say something like that and isn't repeating anything she's heard.

I feel that shows she is already being affected by our relationship.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 01/04/2022 09:53

'I feel that shows she is already being affected by our relationship.'

You're quite right, it does. You and your daughter deserve much better

thebabynanny · 01/04/2022 09:57

You would 100% be justified.

Having mum & dad living in the same house is not the most important thing for children.
Think what this relationship is modelling to your daughter - what she learns from you now will become her model of what her own relationships will be like.

How will you feel in 20 years time if your DD marries a dirty, lazy, selfish man who makes her do all the housework, barely looks after their children and ignores her to play games?

ReadyToMoveIt · 01/04/2022 09:57

I mean… if I realised 3 days into a relationship that my partner hadn’t brushed his teeth in that time, it would have been the end of the relationship right there.

Googlecanthelpme · 01/04/2022 09:58

Yes in your shoes I would also end this relationship, it doesn’t sound healthy or happy for anyone. And I’m including your DP in that as well.

Your daughter is young, she will adapt. Perhaps her dad will step up once he’s had the shock of having to sort his life out - or maybe not but you can’t continue as it is.

Time to end things, as amicably as possible if you can but either way, it needs doing.

I would absolutely look into therapy, it could be a game changer for you, there’s no reason you can’t be happy in a relationship in the future or be happy by yourself if that’s what you choose. But absolutely therapy, do it now don’t wait until the relationship is over.

CupcakeNabber · 01/04/2022 10:09

Why did you get together in the first place? How long had you been together before deciding to having LO? You've given very fair reasons to want to leave I'm just wondering how you ended up having a kid with someone who doesn't shower for weeks, brush his teeth or pull his weight, has he always been like this or is it a sudden change in behaviour?

Anyway you sound unhappy and as though you definitely want out. I can never for the life of me understand why people stay together "for the sake of the family" when they're so miserable. Kids pick up on miserable energy. Better to coparent apart and be happy then live together faking it & hating it.

Neverreturntoathread · 01/04/2022 10:26

I’m normally a fan of trying to make relationships work when there are children involved, but it doesn’t sound like this can be fixed. The problem is clearly him. Also, if even your daughter can see that daddy isn’t nice to mummy, then this is beginning to affect her view of what a relationship is and what women should put up with.

This relationship is already dead 😔 you just need to work out how to disentangle yourself and your daughter.

Might be worth speaking to a lawyer before you make any decisions tho, you don’t want him going for 50:50 custody to reduce his child maintenance payments as he does not sound competent to have sole charge of her.

WonderfulYou · 01/04/2022 11:08

We all have our own bar of what is ok and what’s not ok and only you know what you will and will not put up with.

However this behaviour is vile and I can guarantee you will not find one person on here which would be willing to put with him.

I’d tell him it’s over and ask him to use the weekend to find somewhere else to live. As he WFH he’s in a good position.
If you have somewhere you can stay with your DD then I’d be tempted to stay there for a few days - I couldn’t put up with this any longer.

How old are you both?

Original poster
Sorrypup · 01/04/2022 11:39

Thank you everyone, I will be ending things tonight once dd is asleep.

@WonderfulYou I don't have anywhere else to stay, and unfortunately neither does he so I think it's going to be difficult to get him out of the house.
I'm 22, he's nearly 30.

OP posts:
HellToTheNope · 01/04/2022 11:43

Who owns the home/controls the lease?

Original poster
Sorrypup · 01/04/2022 11:45

I do. He's not named on the lease. Luckily from a housing and financial side I have taken care of myself.

OP posts:
HellToTheNope · 01/04/2022 11:47

@Sorrypup

I do. He's not named on the lease. Luckily from a housing and financial side I have taken care of myself.
Excellent news. He doesn't get a vote as to whether he stays. If he refuses to leave you call the police immediately. Change the locks as soon as he's gone.