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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Single with no desire to change that

36 replies

salt123 · 31/03/2022 17:11

At the grand old age of 32 I have come to the conclusion that I am done with relationships. My last two relationships have been abusive. I am currently still living with my ex, who is father to my 2dc, whilst I wait for the house I am buying to complete. The emotional and verbal abuse is ramping up for the last few weeks and I am physically ill from the stress of it.
People like to talk about me meeting new people going on dates etc and when I say I have no desire to do that. They always reply with 'you will one day'. But I don't think I will. Why would I put myself in physical and mental danger again? I think my upbringing has made me particularly vulnerable to being in abusive relationships so I'm best to stay away.
I have two amazing children who I want to focus on and give them the best chances after a crappy start to their short lives.
Has anyone else felt like this and stuck to it? Just looking for similar experiences.

OP posts:
fedup078 · 31/03/2022 17:14

Yes been on my own a year now since I asked h to leave
I have no desire to get into another relationship others than friendships and I think having dc also gave me a new focus and now I don't feel I need a man in my life whereas before being single was a massive issue for me and I hated it

Neongoddess · 31/03/2022 17:17

Yanbu to not want a relationship.

I was single for a good whole after I left a similar situation.

I am now in a relationship because dp enhances my life. If we split I would happy to be single again. I just happened to meet someone whose presence made my life better. But my kids were older when I met him. If I ever contemplate that life would be better without dp I would end it.

However, whilst you are still in the middle of the shit, I don't think you can never say never. I wouldn't even worry about it for now.

I have never seen the point of saying 'I want another relationship' or 'I am never having one again'. Just take life as it comes.

Just concentrate on your kids and bei f happy. I hope you get out soon.

Watchkeys · 31/03/2022 18:12

You don't know how you'll feel down the line. You might want a relationship one day, you might not. It's not worth bothering yourself over.

I think my upbringing has made me particularly vulnerable to being in abusive relationships so I'm best to stay away

It might have taught you behaviours that would make you vulnerable. Focus on sorting this out; identifying what it is about you now that makes you vulnerable. That's what's happening today, and informing your view of yourself today. Your upbringing isn't happening anymore, and so it can't be responsible for things in your life now. Blaming your upbringing is absolving yourself of responsibility for your own happiness. Not taking responsibility for your happiness is what's landed you in abusive relationships. Look into sorting that out, regardless of whether you ever intend to have another relationship. It will inform all areas of your life, and you'll be happier once you know that your happiness is in your own hands, and that you're not at risk of ongoing abuse if you know you will walk away from abuse as soon as it starts.

Whatagrapefruit156 · 31/03/2022 18:28

Being single is awesome!

Giveitall · 31/03/2022 18:31

“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”

HotDogKetchup · 31/03/2022 18:32

OP the fact you’re feeling that way stands you in great stead for starting over with your beautiful DC.

PussInBin20 · 31/03/2022 18:35

@Giveitall

“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”
😂😂😂😂 exactly!
EmmaH2022 · 31/03/2022 18:38

I last had a boyfriend about 10 years ago
I've never been treated badly

When I finished that, I said "that was the last one" to a few friends a d they said all this stupid shit, eg "don't write it off" as if I was doing something terrible and dangerous. People be crazy.

I just prefer being single. It makes life more fun, more fulfilling and easier.

Enjoy!

Moonface123 · 31/03/2022 18:47

l haven't had any desire to meet anyone for a long time now, l live quite happily doing my own thing, my older teenagers are alot more independant now, so its lovely to have time for myself, l don' t necessary look at my life as staying this way forever, but l am enjoying this stage of my life where l have learnt so much about myself, what l want, and what l don' t. l've surprized myself how good l am at being alone and taking care of myself, and l have built a beautiful way of life surrounded by love of family, friends, beloved pets etc, and I' m sure you will do too.

DrCoconut · 31/03/2022 18:52

I've been single for nearly 5 years now. People seem shocked that I haven't met someone else yet but I'm in no hurry. I have my kids to consider and I just can't be arsed with the drama and hassle anymore. My life is my own and I like it.

layladomino · 31/03/2022 19:21

I am always confused by the fact that most people assume that being coupled is the default position we should all be in.. As though you aren't complete until you're in a couple, or you can't be truly happy unless you're in a couple. I disagree.

I am (thankfully very happily) coupled, but before I met DH I was very happily single. We were a great match that I couldn't ignore, and I'm so happy I'm with him, but if we hadn't met I'd still be very happily single now. Life was absolutely complete, with DC, work, family and friends, hobbies etc.

I completely understand why you would have no wish to be in a relationship. I would only urge you not to close your mind off to the idea altogether. You might be single forever, and very happily so. You might meet someone in 2 / 5 / 45 years and change your mind.

I'd much rather start from the presumption that you're going to be single, than spend life searching for Mr Right when you could be out there enjoying life!

EmmaH2022 · 31/03/2022 19:32

layla "I would only urge you not to close your mind off to the idea altogether"

People said this to me and I don't understand why. The explanations were all "what if.." yeah, who cares.

Plus, it's my mind. I close it and open it as I please!

Lonleygal · 31/03/2022 19:33

Me ! I have only ever been with men that treated me like crap and some were abusive . I’m much happier on my own and only want to spend time with my kids as missed out on the first years of there lives .

FarCrowds · 31/03/2022 19:57

Life can be amazing or very satisfying or peaceful (or all three) as a single. Coupledom is simply not for everyone. Therapy culture is partly to blame, as it is so focused on relationships and women are meant to be focused on relationships by default. I actually have some different focuses and interests, it’s the way I am. You don’t have to close yourself off, but the searching obsession with relationships can lead to personal compromises one should never entertain, one’s that go even to the extent of self harm.

FarCrowds · 31/03/2022 21:54

Should I more say - colluding Sad in self harm; you never would have initiated it, if that makes sense.

Ambition9to5 · 31/03/2022 21:55

yeh, i've been so much happier since I stopped looking/waiting/ dating

I prefer it.

FuckThatBullshit · 31/03/2022 22:04

Me. I am 37 and consider myself "retired". I admit this is Plan B and it wasn't what I wanted because I would have made a good wife to somebody but after a bunch of dead end, bullshit "situationships" I'm done with all the pain of it. I genuinely love my own company, I don't want to look for another partner and that will never change. If someone amazing happens to magically appear who wants to try and convince me well... best of luck to him.

Hathertonhariden · 01/04/2022 08:42

10 yrs now (or 14 realistically as the last 4 years of my relationship I was effectively on my own). The first few years people were always saying that I'd find someone else, then a period of warning me not to close my mind to a relationship and ghe last few years people just leave me to it.

IME women either get into a new relationship within a couple of years of a split or are happily single long term. Once you've been single for over 5 years you become a bit of an amoeba to married couples and not seen as someone who might run off with the husband. That certainly increases the number of social invitations.

WellThisWentWell · 01/04/2022 09:03

Once you've been single for over 5 years you become a bit of an amoeba to married couples and not seen as someone who might run off with the husband. That certainly increases the number of social invitations.

Is that what that is?!?
I thought I’ve been paranoid about feeling excluded from things!

ZimZamZoom · 01/04/2022 10:19

I'm sorry for what you have been through OP.
My mum has been single since my "dad" left her (just before I was born). I am now 39 years old (mum is 61). She has had 40 years of being single and she wouldn't have it any other way.
And I know this is easy for me to say as I am currently happily married but, if this was to end, for any reason, I absolutely know, down to my bones, that I wouldn't bother with another relationship.
You're selflessness in wanting to give your two children all of you is fab. I benefitted massively from having my mum to myself and we have an amazing relationship to this day. Good luck for the future OP Flowers

ZimZamZoom · 01/04/2022 10:23

*your selflessness

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 01/04/2022 10:31

Yes I’m 35 and been single since I was 30 and said since relationship broke up I’m not interested at all in having a new relationship or men in general and happy to be single while I raise my children and plan to revaluate this when my children are all adults but atm I still think I won’t be interested when that time comes. I always say no when asked on dates I haven’t been on a date haven’t met anyone who has changed my mind in the slightest and don’t find myself flirting or attracted that way to anyone and I know I’m happiest single.

wakeupandshakeup · 01/04/2022 11:02

@Giveitall

“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.”
Thank you for brightening my day with quote! Priceless
pointythings · 01/04/2022 11:17

I've been single for 4 years now, and in my 20s I was single for 10 years. And honestly, best years of my life.

Being single doesn't make you some kind of sad, pitiable person who is in some way inadequate - it makes you independent, strong, with good boundaries. I'm open to the idea of having another relationship at some point, but it will be on my terms - and I will never live with a man again.

Being happy and fulfilled as a single person means the world is your oyster.

bibliomania · 01/04/2022 11:24

Single for nearly 13 years and pretty happy with it. I do have pangs now and then and think a relationship would be nice. But that's life - if I'd been in a relationship for those 13 years, I'm pretty sure I would have moments during that time when I longed to be single.