Dating A Widower

[DatingAWidower22]

I am 39 years old, single parent to a primary aged child. I’ve tried dating the last couple of years and gone through all the downs posted about on here!

Beginning of this year I met a man online and instantly hit it off. From experience I know to meet pretty quickly as texting means nothing. We arranged to meet and a few days before, he told me he’d lost his wife to cancer a year ago. I had suspected from previous conversations about him being a full time single parent anyway and it didn’t phase me. I expected to meet for coffee and never see him again!

That didn’t happen and we got on so well. 2 months later and things are going well. We are going very slow and seeing what happens. Neither of us have ever been in this situation before.

I’ve not seen any red flags yet (or even amber ones) which seems a flag in itself! He isn’t after a replacement wife or mother, he’s after a second chance at happiness (whatever form that may come in). I too am not looking for a marriage anytime soon.

Is there anything I should be looking out for with him? He has two teenagers who we intend to keep out of this, although I think they know their dad is dating.

I don’t want to cause any upset to anybody, particularly his children, but at the same time, I feel like I’ve found a wonderful man who is on my wavelength in some many ways.

I don’t know why I’m posting really. It all just feels so good at the minute but I have no idea how to navigate this?

I have nothing to contribute to this thread OP, as I am neither a widow nor have I dated a widower, but couldn't just read and go without mentioning what a wonderful woman you sound like from your posts, understanding and lovely. I wish you the best for this relationship!

Thank you all so much, this thread has genuinely really helped. It’s made me think about things I hadn’t considered and feel better that I’m hopefully going about all this the right way.

Hi all, just wanted to update that myself and the guy I’m dating are off for a little break away today. 24 hours of just us, with no kids and no responsibility. We’ve booked a fancy hotel, posh restaurant and then brunch in the beautiful village we are staying in. I cannot wait and I think it will give us a lot of opportunity to talk more and get a bit deeper under the surface.
i will update tomorrow evening 😊

Remember that if you have to start consciously 'navigating', it means you don't feel you naturally know your way, ie things have become unnatural.

Healthy relationships don't need navigating; you take it as it comes and do what feels right.

Red flags aren't something you spot, they're something you feel. When it feels 'wrong', you have to start navigating.

In short, if it feels good, do it.

Thank you @Watchkeys so far I have genuinely felt nothing off at all. I usually know and move on within a few dates but I really like this guy.
im so hopeful

I’m a widow and I find it most insulting that you have asked if there is anything you should be looking out for with him. Yes we have lost a husband/wife, yes we will have issues but probably no more than a lot of other people out there actually. Yes we are widows, but actually we are still people, individuals don’t label us please. Just go with the flow and handle anything like you would in any other relationship.

@Fcuk38

I think it's refreshing for someone to ask, not insulting. Grief has patterns. Humans have patterns. It's not outlandish to wonder what you might encounter if you date someone who has lost a previous partner, nor to feel like you're on unchartered territory that others may be able to advise you on. I posted a thread once about mentioning my deceased partner in a new relationship, and was basically lambasted for considering mentioning them. There's a lot of mis-comprehension out there re getting into a relationship with someone in your position/my position. It's not a good idea to tell people they're insulting just because they're asking questions.

OP, some are more defensive than others, as you can see! I'm glad it's going well for you both. Good luck!

A year ago?

I do find it insulting and I’m well within my rights to say so. Personally I don’t want to be labelled as a widow - I would want to be seen as someone who wants to date. That’s not defensive that just my opinion . Yes my husband died but that doesn’t immediately mean there are issues that someone needs to be aware of any more so than anyone else they would date.

I apologise if I have offended anybody, that wasn’t my intention.

I do treat him as any other man I’ve dated. I am absolutely in awe of him and he is doing an exceptional job of bringing up and supporting his family. He is a man I want to spend time with and hopefully one day in the future, take it further.

i know everyone is different and a close friend of mine lost her husband unexpectedly and still is nowhere near dating again years later.

his wife died of cancer and the had family grief counselling before and after they lost her. To me, a year is no time at all, even with the counselling and I was just asking for any advice.

Agin, apologies if I have offended anybody

Nobody said you weren't within your rights. I offered a counter opinion. Nobody is attacking your rights.

I don’t see “widow” as a label

It is a descriptive term to describe someone who has lost their husband or wife.

like… “married” single” “divorced”

Ok, this is getting a bit out of hand. I would ask advice on the relationships board about a divorced man, a man who had never had a relation, a man who is a virgin or maybe even if I fancied women. It wasn’t supposed to be insulting to anybody.

I am off on my trip now. Thank you again to all those who have given their experiences and advice.

Enjoy!

We had an absolute wonderful time! Pure bliss

I'm so pleased for you x

So glad you enjoyed
I met a widower 4 years after his DW died.
He had a young son and 9 years later were very happily married.

Good luck

Never again! I dated one for 6 months against my better judgement. It was mostly out of loneliness he wanted to hook up and he wanted a diversion because he hated his life. He always talked about her all the time. I got to the point I knew everything about her and their relationship. I was getting more angry than sympathetic towards his cause. Just was not for me.

I would love an update @DatingAWidower22 ? I really hope everything has worked out. You had a wonderful approach, so I'm very hopeful.