Dating A Widower

DatingAWidower22 · 2022-03-31T14:17:49+00:00

I am 39 years old, single parent to a primary aged child. I’ve tried dating the last couple of years and gone through all the downs posted about on here! Beginning of this year I met a man online and instantly hit it off. From experience I know to meet pretty quickly as texting means nothing. We arranged to meet and a few days before, he told me he’d lost his wife to cancer a year ago. I had suspected from previous conversations about him being a full time single parent anyway and it didn’t phase me. I expected to meet for coffee and never see him again! That didn’t happen and we got on so well. 2 months later and things are going well. We are going very slow and seeing what happens. Neither of us have ever been in this situation before. I’ve not seen any red flags yet (or even amber ones) which seems a flag in itself! He isn’t after a replacement wife or mother, he’s after a second chance at happiness (whatever form that may come in). I too am not looking for a marriage anytime soon. Is there anything I should be looking out for with him? He has two teenagers who we intend to keep out of this, although I think they know their dad is dating. I don’t want to cause any upset to anybody, particularly his children, but at the same time, I feel like I’ve found a wonderful man who is on my wavelength in some many ways. I don’t know why I’m posting really. It all just feels so good at the minute but I have no idea how to navigate this?

HellToTheNope · 31/03/2022 15:20

It sounds good to me. I think you're overthinking this. Just continue to take it slow, keep your eyes wide open, and enjoy getting to know each other. It will either work out or it won't.

ShagMeRiggins · 31/03/2022 15:22

Sounds to me as though you’ve covered all the bases. Your OP seemed sensible.

Time is important for both of you, but no red flags that I can see.

Best of luck. I can be tricky.

Original poster

DatingAWidower22 · 31/03/2022 15:29

Thanks both. It’s just the unknown isn’t it?

I’ve dated in the past and it’s never gone anywhere for one reason or another. This just feels so lovely and easy.

He’s had bereavement counselling before and after his wife died, as did his children and he’s had lots of support from friends and family. He seems in a genuinely good place. He has lots of hobbies which are the same as mine and we are both researchers in different fields so have so much in common.

I think I’ve hit a point where I’m waiting for him to decide it’s too much for him and I’m just over thinking it.

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bettycat81 · 31/03/2022 19:24

I'm almost a year in to my relationship with a widower. You need to have people you can talk to about it.

There are fb and reddit groups for people dating widowers but their members fall into two main camps....

3 heart relationships - where you allow/put up with your partner to keep actively loving his dead partner - through frequent graveside visits, gatherings of remembrance, little shrines within the house (lots of photos, candles etc), social media posts about how much he misses them etc

In the second camp are those that need their partner to be completely focused on the present, that treat their late spouse in the same way others may treat past loves.

It's hard, and it gets harder the more in love you become so do prepare for feelings on issues to change. For example the first couple of anniversaries I experienced weren't too bad - then came another where I saw something he had bought for her grave and it was a real gut punch.

Its hard when you hear from people who knew them both how wonderful his late wife was, what a great relationship they had, how if she hadn't died they may still be together...

I think that's probably the hardest - his late wife is on this pedestal while people remember my ex in disdain (he did put me through some crap) but as we know no relationship is plain sailing.

It sounds like you are both very happy at present, but keep talking and remind him that how you feel right now may change.

bettycat81 · 31/03/2022 20:00

Sorry should say my dp is totally worth it all!

Original poster

DatingAWidower22 · 31/03/2022 20:29

Thank you @bettycat81, that is very useful to know. I think he’s in the second camp. I have been to his house and there are pictures, which I expected, but not loads and mostly of her and the kids. No shrines or anything like that. I don’t actually know if she has a grave or somewhere they visit her. I don’t like to pry and I’m sure he’ll tell me if and when he wants to.

I am fully aware and respectful of their past together and always will be but for me, if this goes forward, he needs to see me as a new relationship and not a replacement. It doesn’t feel like this at all though.

I can’t see that far ahead yet to meeting people from their past and family, although we went for lunch in his village last week and it’s the kind of place where everybody knows everybody. A few people said hi to him and he told me who they were, but it felt good to not be hidden, even though I’m not common knowledge to anybody yet.

It must be so tough for him to navigate this.

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BatshitCrazyWoman · 01/04/2022 08:47

I've been in a relationship with a widower for over three years now.

My only piece of advice is to be aware that you are allowed to state your feelings about something, without feeling you need to be really sensitive and understanding. For example, if it bothers you that he has a photo of his late wife as his lock screen on his phone, you are allowed to say that makes you uncomfortable. I find the Facebook group I'm on quite supportive and helpful.

SunflowerTed · 01/04/2022 16:31

14 years into relationship(married now). Was and has been hard at times but stick with it! We’ve had things to work on (he had an 8 year old who resented me) etc etc - but it’s wonderful now . My advice is embrace the late wife (he will always love her) and embrace her family and don’t let insecurities get in the way. You’re not a replacement but somebody to make new memories with. You are both lucky to have met

BlueSlate · 01/04/2022 16:39

@BatshitCrazyWoman

I've been in a relationship with a widower for over three years now.

My only piece of advice is to be aware that you are allowed to state your feelings about something, without feeling you need to be really sensitive and understanding. For example, if it bothers you that he has a photo of his late wife as his lock screen on his phone, you are allowed to say that makes you uncomfortable. I find the Facebook group I'm on quite supportive and helpful.

I don't wish to sound insensitive hut this sort of thing is precisely why I'd have nothing to do with a widower.

Not because I'm insecure or jealous hut because I don't see how anyone could commit to someone who makes it quite so obvious they'd rather be elsewhere.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 01/04/2022 18:11

@BlueSlate it's not for the faint-hearted! And honestly, widowers shouldn't be dating if they want to keep a house full of photos, and all the late wife's belongings, but somehow overlay a new woman on top.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 01/04/2022 18:12

Oh, and I'd never date a widower again 😂 even though me and my chap are fine!

Paris14eme · 01/04/2022 18:29

Following …

bettycat81 · 01/04/2022 18:48

@BatshitCrazyWoman

Oh, and I'd never date a widower again 😂 even though me and my chap are fine!

😂 I definitely would not go into another widower relationship without asking a huge array of questions first!

SunflowerTed · 01/04/2022 19:00

I think I said that in the beginning - I wouldn’t recommend in an ideal world! However, my husband was 8 years bereaved but he still cried about her on our first date! Sounds corny but Our connection was so strong I stuck with it and found a wonderful relationship and became a proud stepmum. Yep not for the faint hearted but why shouldn’t a widow or widower have a second chance at love?

SunflowerTed · 01/04/2022 19:03

[quote BatshitCrazyWoman]@BlueSlate it's not for the faint-hearted! And honestly, widowers shouldn't be dating if they want to keep a house full of photos, and all the late wife's belongings, but somehow overlay a new woman on top.[/quote]
There are only photos in my stepsons room and in albums. He is at Uni now and there is a photo of him, his dad and I and one of his mum, his dad and him in his student room - I’m fine with that - she was a wonderful mother

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 01/04/2022 19:05

My friend married a widower. He knew how to be in a grown up relationship and to commit which my friend hasn't had from previous relationships. I would say take your time especially for the sake of his children.

peachgreen · 01/04/2022 19:15

I'm a widow. I'm not dating (yet) but I hope to one day. What I would say is to remember that there IS no going back. I love my late husband and I always will, and I will always remember him and want to talk about it, especially with our daughter. But he's not here and he never will be again. And in that way, my relationship with him could never impinge on a new relationship. It's the past.

And it's the same for your new partner. His late wife is his last. You are his present and hopefully his future. And his love for his late wife does not diminish his love for you. Not in the slightest. Because she's not here and she never will be again.

Widowed people who have found love again often describe it as being like having a second child. You still love your first child as much as you always did, but you also love your second child just as much.

Original poster

DatingAWidower22 · 01/04/2022 20:58

Thank you @peachgreen, and I’m sorry for your loss.

I’ve seen him today and we’ve planned a little trip over Easter when our kids are off doing other things, so I am really looking forward to that.

My biggest worry is his daughter who is 13. He is doing an absolutely sterling job of playing mum to her and she has female relatives to talk to but I worry if a time comes in the future when we meet, she will really resent me. That time is such a long way off yet but she is aware of me.
I spoke to him today to raise my concerns and tell him I don’t want to cause any trouble or resentment between him and his daughter. He’s actually just text and said he’s had a long chat with her this evening and she was asking lots of questions about me. I didn’t ask him what they talked about he just said she was happy he was happy. I guess it’s the best I could hope for at such a sensitive and early stage

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SunflowerTed · 02/04/2022 09:59

@peachgreen

I'm a widow. I'm not dating (yet) but I hope to one day. What I would say is to remember that there IS no going back. I love my late husband and I always will, and I will always remember him and want to talk about it, especially with our daughter. But he's not here and he never will be again. And in that way, my relationship with him could never impinge on a new relationship. It's the past.

And it's the same for your new partner. His late wife is his last. You are his present and hopefully his future. And his love for his late wife does not diminish his love for you. Not in the slightest. Because she's not here and she never will be again.

Widowed people who have found love again often describe it as being like having a second child. You still love your first child as much as you always did, but you also love your second child just as much.

So brilliantly put Xxx so sorry for your loss and hope you find love again

SunflowerTed · 02/04/2022 10:04

@DatingAWidower22

Thank you *@peachgreen*, and I’m sorry for your loss.

I’ve seen him today and we’ve planned a little trip over Easter when our kids are off doing other things, so I am really looking forward to that.

My biggest worry is his daughter who is 13. He is doing an absolutely sterling job of playing mum to her and she has female relatives to talk to but I worry if a time comes in the future when we meet, she will really resent me. That time is such a long way off yet but she is aware of me.
I spoke to him today to raise my concerns and tell him I don’t want to cause any trouble or resentment between him and his daughter. He’s actually just text and said he’s had a long chat with her this evening and she was asking lots of questions about me. I didn’t ask him what they talked about he just said she was happy he was happy. I guess it’s the best I could hope for at such a sensitive and early stage

It’s hard - she might resent you for a while and feel a bit threatened. My advice is don’t take it personally and keep trying. Trying to rise above an angry kid is difficult. On the other hand she might welcome you and your daughter as welcome visitors. Hope it works out.

BlueSlate · 02/04/2022 13:37

There are only photos in my stepsons room and in albums. He is at Uni now and there is a photo of him, his dad and I and one of his mum, his dad and him in his student room - I’m fine with that - she was a wonderful mother

That sounds reasonable, tbf.

I have a friend who dated a widower and she was almost the other woman in the relationship. And by 'she' I'm not really sure whether I'm referring to my friend or his late wife because it never really seemed to be clear. There was just always a third person in the relationship (sometimes my friend, sometimes the late wife). He felt guilty and she was worried about crossing lines or asking too much of him. It just seemed a really unhealthy dynamic all round.

Original poster

DatingAWidower22 · 02/04/2022 15:04

It sounds to me like it’s going well so far. He does talk about his wife occasionally, and I happily talk about her with him. I’ve made it clear I am not threatened by her and embrace his life before me. She made his family with him and contributed to the man he is today and for that I am grateful.

He seems very positive about the future and we’ve talked a bit today about how he can see an adventure unfolding and we’ll just muddle our way through together.

With the kids, that’s still a long way off, but his daughter is horsey, as am I, so hopefully that will break the ice. He rides too so one the day comes, maybe a nice ride out might be not threatening and fun. Who knows! Apologies, I am rushing ahead with myself now but this thread has given me lots of positivity I didn’t expect.

I am now reined back in and back to reality 😊

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gogohm · 02/04/2022 15:43

Sometimes it's meant to be. I would suggest meeting his kids at some point relatively soon so you can assess if it's something that can progress, it can be as a friend nothing serious. Likewise in reverse - no point putting a year into a relationship that falls apart due to kid incompatibility

Original poster

DatingAWidower22 · 02/04/2022 19:58

@gogohm you could be right. I think I’m used to reading so many threads where people are berated for introducing kids so soon but this is so different. His daughter knows about me in that he tells her when we meet up (usually during the day as we both work from home) so I’m no secret.

We are both going to the same event in May and he has suggested a quick meet and coffee on neutral ground and it’s a horsey event so will have things to talk about too.

It’s a few weeks away so may be good timing?

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SunflowerTed · 03/04/2022 01:24

I have big hopes for this relationship. Just play it in a relaxed way - the horse thing sounds great - you could end up being friends. My stepson and I had a rocky start, he was only 8, he’s 22 now and we get in great and really love each other.