Am I too sensitive please advise

[Lucillin]

Looking for advice. I've been with my partner for a year now and I really do love him but we are having a few issues and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on us but my own mental health is dropping so fast. I already suffer with anxiety, low self esteem and just generally feel I am useless because I fail at everything I do now adding this on top I just feel I am getting to breaking point.

It was all a bit of a whirlwind romance and when we met he made me feel like the most important person in the word. I fell hard and fast and we now live together and have done for a few months. The problem I'm having is I don't know if I'm iust being overly sensitive but I am struggling to cope with his moods. He's not aggressive and never gets angry but he just has these very low moods and shuts me out completely . He will have a few days where he's happy and talks to me but then the next few days he's very low and won't talk to me at all, not even normal everyday conversations,i just get hmms and yes or no when I try and engage in a conversation with him. When he's having one of his low moods I feel uncomfortable and I feel like it's something I have said or done. If I try and talk to him about it he just says he doesn't want to talk and if I try and push it we just end up arguing which neither of us want. The whole thing just keeps resulting in me being upset and emotional and feeling like he doesn't love me and him being frustrated because I want to resolve whatever is causing him to close down the way he does.

Having not long ending my abusive marriage before this relationship started I'm worried history may start to repeat its self. I know he is nothing like my ex husband he's never even raised his voice at me but I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I know he won't see a gp to maybe see if he has depression so that isn't an option but then I just ask myself am I the problem, am I being unreasonable by not giving him the space he needs to deal with his moods in his own way.

It sounds like this is the person he is. Do you want to be with someone moody forever? Where’s the lightness and fun and laughter?

I would seriously consider calling it a day if I were you.

You are 100% exactly and perfectly the right level of sensitive for you. If any relationship makes you feel 'too sensitive', then it's the wrong relationship for you.

Have a think about where the parameters come from; who/what is it that decides whether you are being too sensitive? Whose boundary have you crossed? There must be a boundary, or you couldn't do it 'too much'. There must be a 'right' level of sensitivity. Where does that come from?

It's entirely possible that (a) it's not you (b) he's not being abusive and would be like this if he were alone.

Having said that: you are struggling to cope with what is obviously normal life for him. He doesn't show any signs of being likely to change that normal.

Living with this man is making you unhappy. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, or that he's a bad person.

If you want to be happy, you cannot live with this man.

I couldn't be with someone like that. The way I see it when you are part of a family you need to treat the people you live with the way you want to be treated (most of the time of course we all have bad days once in a while) but becoming withdrawn and moody should not be a regular thing. I don't think you are being too sensitive

You have left one abusive relationship and are now in another.

He is using these "moods" to control you, to keep you walking on eggshells and too afraid to challenge him. The abuse will get worse, I guarantee it. There is nothing normal or healthy about the way he behaves.

Run for your life.

This will also get worse as he gets older. You don’t want to stick with someone like that it will drain you.

No you’re not being too sensitive. You’re picking up on his change of mood/vibe/attitude on an instinctive level – that’s your self-esteem and self-preservation kicking in. Feel proud that you’ve recognised it and acknowledged it and been able to verbalise that by writing about it here.

Sounds like he wants out of the relationship but is too chicken-shit to end it.

Sorry.

PS. What you’re picking up on is still abuse from him – emotional/psychological.

PPS. Whirlwind romance = lovebomby = red flag.

End it. His behaviour will only get worse. Don’t stick around to prove that theory right please. Accept that now his lovebombing has stopped his true personality isn’t making you feel good and, before you think “is it me that’s made him be like this” NO, it isn’t. You’re hardly going to (metaphorically) pin his arm up his back and say “I demand you treat me badly and make me feel uneasy and anxious” – that behaviour is all him, it’s all come from him and he’s showing his true colours.

Please leave him.

...major red flag. His way of controlling you.

I also think that you have gone from one abusive relationship into another one, not quite the same, but abusive all the same. This is a not uncommon scenario. His quick attachment to you at the start was actually him love bombing you; a red flag in itself. His silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse. I also have no doubts whatsoever that you were targeted by him and deliberately so.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, will be further got at by this individual now. How can you be helped here into leaving this man?. You absolutely need to leave and to give yourself a proper chance to heal; as you are now this is impossible.

Do contact Womens Aid for further help and look at the Freedom Programme online particularly if you've never done this.

He love bombed you in the beginning and now you are seeing who he really is. Please leave ASAP.

I think people are massively jumping to conclusions here. It's not abusive to be in a low mood and not want to talk about it.

However, if it's bringing you down, OP, the right thing to do is leave. This is how he leads his life; if it makes you uncomfortable, staying with him is opting for being uncomfortable. You are responsible for making sure you're happy, and that includes making sure you don't spend time with people whose behaviours bring you down.

Nobody has to be in the wrong. He does things one way, you like them a different way. That's ok. But it's incompatibility. Nobody is abusive, here. Nobody's too sensitive. It works the other way too: you do things one way, he likes them a different way.

Thank you for your replies, I need to have a think about this because as much as I sometimes wonder if he is doing this to keep me on eggshells more often than not I feel like he is just having his own issues and doesn't know how to deal with them so he closes himself off. However having other people perspectives is good because the saying love is blind is very true and I just don't want to be in another unhappy relationship and I certainly don't want him to be either.

Thank you for your replies, I need to have a think about this because as much as I sometimes wonder if he is doing this to keep me on eggshells more often than not I feel like he is just having his own issues and doesn't know how to deal with them so he closes himself off.

Either of these senarios should be a deal breaker. Raise your standards for how you expect to be treated.

I'm sorry OP, but this is another abusive relationship. It won't get better, it will be a roller-coaster, of his good and bad moods. You will spend longer and longer in the dips, and feeling ridiculously relieved each time you are allowed to climb out again. This inconsistency will destroy your mental health. Please get out now, and give yourself a pat on the back for realising this is not right before that happens 💐

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/four-attachment-styles/

Have you read about these, OP? It sounds like you might have an anxious style and he might have an avoidant style?

It's a horrible dynamic to live in, and unless you're both willing to try to work it out (which is usually what the anxious person is desperate to do, and what the avoidant person is desperate to avoid), you'll likely feel this horrible feeling for as long as you stay together.

Not what you want to hear, I expect, but at least you know it's not your 'fault' and there's nothing wrong with you; you just have opposing styles of attaching.

@Lucillin

Thank you for your replies, I need to have a think about this because as much as I sometimes wonder if he is doing this to keep me on eggshells more often than not I feel like he is just having his own issues and doesn't know how to deal with them so he closes himself off. However having other people perspectives is good because the saying love is blind is very true and I just don't want to be in another unhappy relationship and I certainly don't want him to be either.

If he is having issues and shutting himself off, the reason for him doing it is irrelevant - it doesn't mean that you have to put up with it if you don't want to.

The writing's on the wall really, isn't it? He is giving you the cold shoulder and refusing to talk about it, or do anything to stop. Sorry, but I think the time has come to finish with him.

Thank you I will have a read of it. I really want it to work because I love him and when he isn't having a low day he really is an amazing person and don't believe he is doing it just to be abusive.

Perhaps you should live apart and just see him on his good days.

Oh OP. Brilliant posts here, do have a look at the suggestions. I read this & thought 'my dad, my dad, my dad'. Hooked my mum in with charm & then rest of her life punished by his moods. Then punished us children with his moods. He does sound a classic love bomber, I doubt whether he knows he doing it (my dad certainly wouldn't have had a clue) but that's not for you to think too much about. He won't change & would most likely deny it if he did know. It's always someone else's fault.
Take deep breath & stay strong xx

@Lucillin

Thank you I will have a read of it. I really want it to work because I love him and when he isn't having a low day he really is an amazing person and don't believe he is doing it just to be abusive.

This is the sad part too, OP. My mum spent her life 'waiting' for my dads good days. Got precious little. My dad had a sad and complicated childhood, there's probably much to be unravelled. He could be amazing on good days. Didn't make up in any way for the emotional abuse - all my siblings have been in therapy.

@Lucillin

Thank you I will have a read of it. I really want it to work because I love him and when he isn't having a low day he really is an amazing person and don't believe he is doing it just to be abusive.

This might be the bit where you learn the big life lesson that we often hear about: Love isn't enough. You have to be compatible. The love you feel is about the good times, but a relationship can only be judged on how effectively you get through the bad times.

Anybody can be an amazing person and brilliant to spend time with. Apparently even Hitler was a great bloke to sit and have tea and cake and a chat with! It's really no judge of a character at all, being able to have a good time with them.

A relationship simply has to be able to get through adversity in a way that both partners are satisfied with. He's really really not giving two hoots about how you feel, when he shuts off, is he? It's all about him, then, and his silence. But the thing is, it's all about him for you as well. You don't think 'Oh, grumpus is in a grump, I'll go off and spend the day with my friends whilst he sorts himself out..' or anything else self caring. You think 'Shit, he's in a mood, what did I do? What did I DOOO? How can I fix it? How can I fix us, I hate this I hate it!' etc.

And if that's how you deal with conflict, you need to be in a relationship with someone who is equally concerned about sorting things out on that schedule. Otherwise you are actively choosing a relationship with conflicts that don't get resolved, and make you feel sick with anxiety.

Does he work? If so, does he treat his colleagues like this? If not, it's a choice

I know he won't see a gp to maybe see if he has depression so that isn't an option
Well, it would have been an option for him, wouldn't it? He's made a decision not to use this potential means of improving your relationship.

He will have a few days where he's happy and talks to me but then the next few days he's very low and won't talk to me at all
This would be too much for me, too. A couple of days every couple of months when a person is not their usual cheerful self? OK. But every few days, not talking at all, and not seeking medical help? That makes a huge difference to your everyday life. If this is his normal, and he's not willing to try to change it, he's expecting you to put up with an awful lot.

@StrangeCondition

Does he work? If so, does he treat his colleagues like this? If not, it's a choice

Yes he works but he works from home so doesn't really have any colleagues that he interacts with very much or often. I've seen how he is with other people though when he is having one of his moods and he is pretty much the same way with them.