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Original poster

Husband lies

32 replies

Xcctired9 · 31/03/2022 07:21

Hi, so here’s my situation. Any views or advice welcome!
I’Ve been with my partner 6 years, married 3 and we have an 18 month old.
My husband lied to me a few times about who he’s in touch with and our relationship is in a bit of a mess.
There was a woman from work he said he wasn’t in touch with who I found a string of messages to, with him asking her to meet up for drinks.
There was one Christmas party where he went to a woman’s house for ‘tea’ at 3am then lied to me. He swore he’d shared a cab back with several people then rebooked it at the last house but never gone inside. He lied to me for 2 years about this and only admitted it when I was 11 weeks pregnant.
Recently I found messages on his phone to a woman at work with him asking her if she was going to their work drinks. He’s never mentioned this woman before and they clearly meet up for lunches and chats. He was deleting the messages after and said he always deletes messages. (There were several threads there undeleted to male colleges.
He also lies about weird things like when he said there was a free skiing trip at work and the whole department (300 people) were going. He didn’t go in the end but it was a paid trip for 30 people. It just seems like a pointless lie?
On top of all this we don’t sleep together as he has no desire for me. I feel really undesired and insecure.
I really don’t trust a word he says anymore and I have no idea what to do. I also don’t want to ruin things for my little boy by being a paranoid insecure mess. I’ve stopped asking about his nights out now as I’m worried I’ll catch him in a lie and it’ll grate away at me but I just resent him.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/03/2022 07:25

If there is no trust there is no relationship. I would firm up plans to divorce as there is no point whatsoever in remaining like this with someone who has and continues to cheat on you.

HollowTalk · 31/03/2022 07:30

You must feel really awful. There's just no point in staying with this sexually incontinent man. What's your financial position like? Do you have anyone you can go to?

PopsicleHustler · 31/03/2022 07:33

Let him get stuffed. You can be happier on your own. Lying is a major put off and he can clear off. Please don't feel undesirable and insecure
I am sure you are wonderful and you can do much better.
Show him the door and move on with your life.

Original poster
Xcctired9 · 31/03/2022 07:51

My finances aren’t great, he is very successful and works for a law firm sadly. He’s threatened to take full custody before so I’m scared to leave. I just don’t know what’s worse - leaving someone who’s pretty powerful and can be vindictive or staying with them and slowly being driven mad.
Do you want think he has cheated then? He always has an answer for stuff when he gets caught. Like with the 3am tea stop he said he thought it looked too suspicious to tell me. I just don’t know what’s right anymore. Is that normal? Is he protecting me or making a fool out of me :-/

OP posts:
layladomino · 31/03/2022 07:57

You aren't paranoid. Paranoid is when you imagine things that aren't there. Your husband lies to you. Regularly. And there is no good explanation for lying. You know that. He can't be trusted. And why has he lied? Almost certainly because he's cheated. He's treating you appallingly.

You are married so all money is family money. If you split you will get a fair split of that money. You can afford to move on. Would he really want the children full time? He works FT and he likes his nights out. Can you imagine him doing all the childcare? No, he's just saying that to stop you leaving. He knows he's treating you badly and he tells you more lies to keep you from leaving him. Because he needs you to stay so he can keep up the pretence of being a great family man, and have someone look after him.

Please go and see a solicitor and see where you would stand if you split. Don't tell your husband what you're doing - hell just try to talk you out of it with more lies.

Find your strength and you will fid a much happier life.

HollowTalk · 31/03/2022 08:04

He could threaten all he wanted but in the end he wants to be off shagging other women and he can't do that if he's looking after a little baby. There is no such thing as full custody and I reckon he will settle for one night in the week and every other weekend. You need to get yourself a good lawyer. The fact he is a lawyer doesn't mean he can bend the law to suit himself.

hellcatspangle · 31/03/2022 08:10

@Xcctired9

My finances aren’t great, he is very successful and works for a law firm sadly. He’s threatened to take full custody before so I’m scared to leave. I just don’t know what’s worse - leaving someone who’s pretty powerful and can be vindictive or staying with them and slowly being driven mad. Do you want think he has cheated then? He always has an answer for stuff when he gets caught. Like with the 3am tea stop he said he thought it looked too suspicious to tell me. I just don’t know what’s right anymore. Is that normal? Is he protecting me or making a fool out of me :-/
A man who's got a very successful career isn't going to go for full custody, he's just saying that to manipulate you. How would he manage childcare?
GreyCarpet · 31/03/2022 08:16

@Xcctired9

My finances aren’t great, he is very successful and works for a law firm sadly. He’s threatened to take full custody before so I’m scared to leave. I just don’t know what’s worse - leaving someone who’s pretty powerful and can be vindictive or staying with them and slowly being driven mad. Do you want think he has cheated then? He always has an answer for stuff when he gets caught. Like with the 3am tea stop he said he thought it looked too suspicious to tell me. I just don’t know what’s right anymore. Is that normal? Is he protecting me or making a fool out of me :-/
He's protecting himself and making a fool out of you.
Mummytobe93 · 31/03/2022 08:22

Oh dear OP…

You need to leave this liar, cheater and gaslighter.

Makes me laugh though how men who probably never changed a nappy threaten to take a “full custody” 🙄yer right

Original poster
Xcctired9 · 31/03/2022 08:27

Yes he rarely changed a nappy as they made him ‘gag’. He was always too tired to help out but ready for a drinking binge in London ‘with work’ at the drop of a hat. Even writing this all out now I feel a mug!

OP posts:
Glitteringduck · 31/03/2022 08:28

He's 100% cheated on you

Watchkeys · 31/03/2022 09:09

I just don’t know what’s worse - leaving someone who’s pretty powerful and can be vindictive or staying with them and slowly being driven mad

Staying in a relationship that makes you choose the least worst thing is the worst thing. This is your life. These are the limited hours, minutes, and days you've been given, and you're choosing a position where feeling good isn't even one of the options.

The worst thing for your son is for you to demonstrate that when a relationship feels this way, you stick around. He will replicate what you do, in his adult life. Would you want this for him, to feel the way you feel? If not, show him how to find a way out of a shit relationship, rather than showing that staying is the right option.

girlmom21 · 31/03/2022 09:13

Of course he has cheated on you.
Leave him. He won't get full custody even if he did try - which he won't because his career and social life will be too important to him.

Crikeyalmighty · 31/03/2022 09:46

Well on the positive side lovely- you are married and he’s high earning ! You will be fine — get rid- he’s a totally untrustworthy chancer— it’s going to be horrible for a while but stay right where you are whilst this is sorted.

FlourBreadcrumbs · 31/03/2022 09:49

He's always cheated on you. Men like this need a woman to fill the wife role so that they can get their kicks playing around behind your back, lying to you, and getting away with it.
Please get away from him for the sake of your mental health x

Original poster
Xcctired9 · 31/03/2022 10:18

Yer you’re right, when I raise anything he just says I’m mad and anxious. There’s no communication or respect and I have no trust in him at all.

OP posts:
FlourBreadcrumbs · 31/03/2022 10:36

He says to you that you're mad and anxious because he wants to shut you up.
Is he quick to temper if ever you want to question him about something you feel he is lying about?
He wants to do what he wants to do, behind your back, with the minimum of grief from you.
I used to wonder why on earth these types get married when they want to live the single life.
Now I understand it is literally because they wouldn't get the hit if they were single as there's no subterfuge is there?
Despite his high paid job, he's still that little boy sneaking around behind mummy's back.
Find yourself a real man x
P.S. as he lied to you about the cost of the ski trip, he must have been planning on going, then something changed his mind.

Original poster
Xcctired9 · 31/03/2022 11:12

Yes that’s fair it’s all felt like a pretence for a very long time now. He loves the idea of looking like a family man and it suits his work image. I’m left feeling like a fraud.

OP posts:
D0lphine · 31/03/2022 11:13

Go and see a solicitor who will be able to advise you about finances and custody. Before you go, try and get bank statements showing both your earnings, paperwork about the house, car, pension, investments etc.

Ask the solicitor about the likelihood of your husband getting full custody. Not an expert but I think this would be highly unlikely.

Once you've received proper advice about what a split would look like for you, you'll be in a better position to make this decision.

Goes without saying keep all of the above secret from him.

In the interim you could also think about your career. What do you want to do? Financial independence is really the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids.

You're only three years in. Don't let that become the next 30 years.

Flyg · 31/03/2022 11:23

As others have said, a man who goes on nights out and chases other women, has a successful career, and gags when changing a nappy will absolutely not want full custody, and even if he did (he doesnt) he wouldnt get it, you cant just take a child away from a parent unless the parent in question is abusive/dangerous

He is using the threat of this to control you. He lies to you. You are going slowly mad. It wont get better. LTB. You will get so much support and good advice on here and at the end of it all it'll be well worth it for your happiness and that of your DC

RandomMess · 31/03/2022 11:53

If you have been a primary cater since DC born he isn't going to get full residency, at best he'll get 50:50 and would have to fund childcare etc etc. it's empty t he eats and bullying.

Crikeyalmighty · 31/03/2022 12:01

More than likely he won’t even want 50/50 OP when push comes to shove— he may initially say he does , but once he thinks about his social life and career a guy like this rarely wants 50/50.

FawnDrenched · 31/03/2022 12:36

The only thing you will loose is a dead weight that is holding you back from reaching your own wonderful potential.

This is not a man that I would want as a role model for my Dc

iCod · 31/03/2022 12:37

@AttilaTheMeerkat

If there is no trust there is no relationship. I would firm up plans to divorce as there is no point whatsoever in remaining like this with someone who has and continues to cheat on you.
This
Original poster
Xcctired9 · 31/03/2022 13:00

Totally agree with all the above comments. It’s a bit like a light has been switched on in my head. I can’t believe what I’ve put up with and believed! At one point he said he needed to keep his flat in London and stay there a couple of nights a week as the 30 min train home was too long. I felt it then that if you liked your partner 30 mins I’d nothing to come home. Booked a solicitor appointment.

OP posts:
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