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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Regret leaving my ex

34 replies

AHungryCaterpillar · 30/03/2022 20:37

I never thought I would say this as I want to be happy that he is gone and I would really like to be but I am so ridiculously lonely, I have no friends and I’m not close to my family, I can go for days and even weeks without speaking to another adult unless you can’t count someone in the shop or someone at my kids school. I have no life and I can’t meet anyone else I feel so isolated that I just feel like going back to my ex just to not be alone, I know people will say “why do you need a man” but I have absolutely no one. I speak to no one. I hoped I would make friends at my kids school but it just didn’t happen and it’s too late for that now. I don’t want to make friends on apps it seems so forced and weird (sorry not meaning to offend but it feels odd to me) I feel completely alone. He texted me at Xmas and New Years to say he loves me, we don’t have any contact though and he doesn’t bother with our children since we split, he only wanted to see them if he could see me as well. Maybe I should just go back there? Has anyone got back with an ex after years apart and it worked out?

OP posts:

Casper001 · 30/03/2022 20:53

How difficult was he to live with?

Why did you split

PingPages · 30/03/2022 20:58

If he doesn’t bother with the kids then that says it all. Don’t go back.

I’ve made friends on bumble BFF - it’s a bit like dating in that sometimes you don’t hit it off and was weird at first, but now got some good friends from there that I do things with

Watchkeys · 30/03/2022 21:33

If you have no one else in your life, then you'll crave the familiarity of a relationship, even if it was an unhealthy one. This doesn't mean you should return to the unhealthy relationship, it means that you need to sort out your social situation so that you're not relying on one person to stop you feeling lonely.

Why is it impossible for you to meet new people?

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 30/03/2022 21:43

I’m not joining apps to make friends, I just don’t want to, like I said it’s seems very odd and forced. We broke up because he has a mental illness, he was very unwell, he actually ended it with me as I tried to support him but he pushed me away and disappeared, he tried to come back a year later but he was still clearly unwell and left again, he then came back again after that and was better but he seemed to think things could pick up where they left off, as so much time had passed I made it clear that wouldn’t be happening. I wasn’t going to just let him walk back like nothing had happened when he left me to it and disappeared but now I’m starting to think that was a mistake, everyone says you are better out of a bad relationship and things get better in time but they don’t. Maybe if you have good friends and family to support you.

OP posts:

WindsweptNotInteresting · 30/03/2022 21:48

Do you work? Do you have colleagues you could try and spend more time with?

How old are the kids? Could you get a babysitter for one night a week and get a hobby?

I get that you don't like the idea of apps, but sometimes you have to take yourself out of your comfort zone to improve your situation.

But getting back with your ex is a bad idea from what you've written. You have other options.

Watchkeys · 30/03/2022 21:50

Do you think that joining apps is the only way to make friends? What about the usual methods, the methods people have used for all of human evolution until a few years ago when apps were invented?

What stops you making friends?

PeachesToday · 30/03/2022 21:53

He doesn’t sound great so no, I would never consider going back.

What’s your job like?

FlourBreadcrumbs · 30/03/2022 21:53

It takes time to make new friends and you need to luxury of time to throw yourself into new activities and groups, as well as stamina to keep going to the activities week after week. I get the feeling you probably just fancy a hassle-free life, with someone you can depend upon OP?
All you need is one best friend.
It's just finding her!

Moser85 · 30/03/2022 21:54

@AHungryCaterpillar

Well fair enough if you don't want to turn to apps because it's odd and forced... but this man clearly doesn't give a shit about his children if his relationship with them depends on him having one with you, so it is not in your childrens best interests to take him back!!!!! in that case his relationship with his kids is odd and forced!

I split up with my ex and had no family, he put me through hell for months and months, got through that with no support, started some hobbies and made friends that way!

I'm not saying that it's not tough, but other people have done it!

Mischance · 30/03/2022 21:55

I know everyone says this and it sounds like a cliche - but getting stuck into a hobby or club really is a good way of meeting people. If you are at home your mind will go round and round on the subject of your ex.

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 30/03/2022 21:57

I tried to make friends at the school but it didn’t happen, no one speaks to me at all, my oldest has sen And doesn’t have friends she doesn’t speak to any of the children so wasn’t very easy to make friends with the parents and for years now she doesn’t get picked up at the same time as the other children (I have to pick her up early) so I never see them now which doesn’t make any difference any I didn’t make friends with any of them anyway and I don’t see another way to make friends? People only suggest apps now. I don’t work because of my daughters disability and from September she will be home educated.

OP posts:

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 30/03/2022 21:58

Can’t go to hobbies or groups no one looks after my children I am with them full time.

OP posts:

Thinking2041 · 30/03/2022 21:59

I can imagine how it is to feel so isolated but do you really want to be with a man who doesn’t care about seeing his children?
A man who is making YOUR children feels unimportant and unloved. I don’t think I could even bear to lay eyes on my ex if he did that to our children.

There must be another way to resolve this very hard situation you are in.:

flyingdream · 30/03/2022 21:59

If he's a nice guy and you can make it work then why not? Even if you do get back with him try and socialise here and there so u make friends.

Notsomellownow · 30/03/2022 22:02

Sounds like you know the answer already and it's not a good idea. You didn't say anything about dating other people- is that a possibility in the future?
Agree with others that you need to push out of your comfort zone to make friends. Or would you consider moving to be closer to old friends or family? Could be disruptive for the kids I guess.
And yes as previous poster says it's quality not quantity, and it's never too late! I know what it feels like to be lonely and long to go back to something familiar even though you know it's not right. Stay strong and work on your self love. You deserve to be happy.

FuckThatBullshit · 30/03/2022 22:02

Where are you based OP?

Moser85 · 30/03/2022 22:04

@AHungryCaterpillar
That's the reason why apps exist though. There's probably other mothers at the school for would love to make friends too but people often don't do it that way now...on an app at least people are clear and open about wanting to make friendships!

What age are your children?

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 30/03/2022 22:43

I have family but they aren’t very nice, my mum has stopped talking to me for some reason, nothing new there she does it all the time. I can’t date as my children don’t go anywhere other than school so dating is out of the question. I live in London and they are 10, 9, 7 and 4.

OP posts:

Monzeitia · 31/03/2022 08:05

I was on your shoes many years ago when I separated from my ex husband, I moved countries to be with him and literally didn’t have anyone, I nearly got back after spending the whole Christmas holidays on my own but I kept reminding myself about all the horrible things he done to me, every time I thought he was not that bad, I tried hard to remind myself about the cheating, the name calling, the gaslighting, I promise you that things will get better, take hour by hour, day by day, but don’t go back, what do you like to do? What are your hobbies? I remember that I liked knitting so I order some yarn and a pattern and spend the Easter holidays at home on my own but I also made a lovely jumper

Elle200 · 31/03/2022 08:20

If you're going to be home educating you should join home ed groups on Facebook. There will be one local to you, and they're good places to meet new people.

JudyGemstone · 31/03/2022 08:26

If you wouldn’t have time to date how would you have time to see friends?

I never made a single friend at the kids school gates either, I was one of those drop and run parents!

Definitely join home Ed groups, there’s probably a local one on Facebook or similar.
I know people that have used bumble bff and met some nice friends, not sure it’s helpful to write things off without trying.

JohannSebastianBach · 31/03/2022 08:32

What about trying to find a support group for parents with SEN kids? You might find support and friendship there with people who really understand what it's like. Or a carers group?

Second a pp suggestion about home ed groups too.

Original poster

AHungryCaterpillar · 31/03/2022 08:34

Because you can bring new friends around your children and meet in the park with your children, I wouldn’t do that with a new man! I wouldn’t be introducing anyone for a while and certainly wouldn’t meet them in the park with my kids or let them come round my house, with a friend that would be different as it’s a different situation. I have time to date I just can’t physically meet someone as I have no one to watch my children so can’t go on dates etc. I feel like I have lost my identity and struggle to think of any hobbies as my life just seems to revolve around them. At least when my ex was around I had someone to speak to and some company

OP posts:

Gardenfish · 31/03/2022 08:55

I could not read and run today op. I cant offer advice. I just feel for you.

Please don't take your ex or mum back. I know you are lonely and vulnerable, but they are not doing much for your self-esteem.
Single mum with 4 kids is a lot on your plate so give yourself some space and room to acknowledge you have a lot on.

Is home school your only option? Your youngest will be going to school in September. I cant see how you are going to get time just to sit. That's got to be really fucking scary!

baileys6904 · 31/03/2022 09:03

Op I understand things are out of your comfort zone, but you are dismissing ideas literally as soon as someone suggests something. You are not the only person that has been through this, so perhaps be a little more open to things people are saying.
I absolutely understand you've not had great experiences so far or have made judgements on things but one or the other needs to give, not just for you but to enrich your children's lives more.

Please done take this as a negative, more as advice meant with kindness. Sometimes gritting your teeth and trying something new comes with the best rewards, and unless you make a change, nothing else will

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