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Original poster

Ex has control of internet

71 replies

barbedwired · 30/03/2022 19:43

Ex no longer in house, weren't married no children. Own house as tenants in common. Trying to negotiate about house he's not cooperative.

He has full control of internet and the provider account, though I pay the bill by direct debit from our old joint bank account which is still running to pay mortgage.

He installed a very sophisticated internet router which he can control remotely. It runs everything in the house including heating etc. I've asked him to hand it over to me but he's not responding. I can't talk to the provider as the accounts in his name.

I know he's hanging onto this for control as he's already made a veiled threat that he could turn it all off and he could actually see what we are looking at online if he wants to.

Not really sure what to do, I can't just unplug the lot nothing would work and I have a young son to consider whose doing school work etc.

Really frustrated, not sure what to do , anyone?

OP posts:
BlueSummerBaby · 30/03/2022 20:03

Get the heating account changed into your name too and anything else in his name. It's part of splitting up. There should be nothing whatsoever in his name at your address.

ZealAndArdour · 30/03/2022 20:10

The heating account being in his name doesn’t explain how the heating is controlled through the router.

Is your thermostat a little round thing with a metal outer edge/frame with a black convex glass front that shows a number on the screen? Goes orange when the heating is on?

BlueSummerBaby · 30/03/2022 20:13

And get a solicitor, negotiate through them about the house. Otherwise he'll just leave you paying the whole mortgage forever on a house he half owns. See a solicitor and get the house sold. Stop expecting your ex to behave like a decent person, he's not a decent person! Don't waste your energy appealing to a "better nature" that he doesn't posses and focus on figuring out what you have to do to force him to comply with reasonable things like selling the house etc. Accept that he's not going to do anything willingly if it benefits you in some way.

RantyAunty · 30/03/2022 20:17

See an attorney about the house.
He's not going to be reasonable.

Plenty of tech savvy people around here who can help with the router.

ZealAndArdour · 30/03/2022 20:19

Your picture hasn’t worked. Is this a new account you’ve made?

It would be useful to know if it’s just a router he’s set up, in which case it’s an easy fix. Or if he’s got the whole house running off some kind of server.

excelledyourself · 30/03/2022 20:20

@ZealAndArdour

Your picture hasn’t worked. Is this a new account you’ve made?

It would be useful to know if it’s just a router he’s set up, in which case it’s an easy fix. Or if he’s got the whole house running off some kind of server.

I can see it.
KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 20:21

Can you unplug it somehow? Have you tried contacting the provider? There must be something in their terms and conditions about it not being installed where its not wanter

ZealAndArdour · 30/03/2022 20:21

Oh that’s strange!

Slonce0911 · 30/03/2022 20:27

There is no picture...
Now regardless of type of router you can change it, either factory reset or new router. All what you need is you provider details, some pull setting automatically (adsl) ,some just require user login. If account is on your name you can get it easily. If not on your name you may be able to get something from provider if you explain situation. Having maybe proof ex moved out. You can reset nest termostat once you sort your wifi

Honeyroar · 30/03/2022 20:29

I can’t see the picture either.

Usingit · 30/03/2022 20:31

There probably is a picture, I can't see it but there is a thread in Site Stuff about Safari users not seeing pictures and having to change some internet settings, it has happened before on threads.

Blossom64265 · 30/03/2022 20:31

I understand what you are describing. My house has a similar setup. It’s not a normal home internet setup. Everything in the house is run off a central server. The internet provider provides the connection to that server, but the admin, in this case, the XH, administers everything from that point on. It’s great when it works. Our entire house is networked. All our computers, TVs, some of our lights, the heating, and virtually every electronic device in the house are all connected and that has some
real advantages. The downside is that just like the server at work, the admin can see everything and if you aren’t both admins, has complete control.

I think if you disconnect from his router and install your own, you should be able to connect essentials like the heating to the new router. The only real worry is forcing a reset on the heating system. I don’t know how much it will fight you on creating a new account, but it really should let you. People move and forget to log out. The new owners need to take control. I would research that scenario. If you are running things like tv or have a home media library that is going to be harder to replicate, but you can go to a more traditional method for that and just consume media in a more mainstream way so it’s not the end of the world.

cherryonthecakes · 30/03/2022 20:34

I can see the pic on my app.

OP- follow the wires in your pic and see what they are connected to. Eg a sky box

Magenta82 · 30/03/2022 20:34

It looks more like a server than a router. Either way it can be unplugged and you can get your own Internet account. A plumber should help with the heating.

cherryonthecakes · 30/03/2022 20:38

I assume you have Hive or similar for your heating? You'll be able to Google how to
reset the hub (which will be connected by wires) or you could unplug it and just change controls manually on the main thermostat.

Usingit · 30/03/2022 20:39

It might be easier to go back to a manual thermostat for now with the heating.

Imanidiotiknow · 30/03/2022 20:41

I can't see the pic but if it's in his name, you can sign up to another provider and they will take over the line and give you a new router.
It'll also mean he gets billed for the rest of the contract if its still in the minimum term

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 20:44

This is the dark side of the Internet of things

Soontobe60 · 30/03/2022 20:46

@barbedwired

Not sure it's that simple it's the type you put in offices, I'll have to call someone specialist .
I bet he’s convinced you it’s not that simple, but it really is! Unplug the lot and buy a new router. www.moneysupermarket.com/broadband/check-my-area/ www.uswitch.com/broadband/guides/self-install-your-broadband/ www.broadbandchoices.co.uk/guides/broadband/broadband-line-installation
LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/03/2022 20:53

I'd turn it off, see what happens. You might find you can just use those things anyway, if not turn it back on, get onto the internet and Google the router brand and how to untie heating/lights etc and work through it. Then I'd be getting own internet and heating accounts preferably with a different provider and pay those from your own account. Once this is done close the joint account. These are things you can remove from his control and I'd want to do that asap. If he really can remotely control and you can't over ride he could run up the heating bill massively or take the money out of the joint account and have the direct debit bounce. He's not going to stop trying to control things, but these at least are things you can remove from his control.

Photos from app don't seem to show in desktop version. Someone who can see it reposting/quoting it seems to work.

Original poster
barbedwired · 30/03/2022 21:33

Right, I've emailed him to separate our finances. Told him he can take all his fancy pants stuff , politely of course , and if he doesn't respond in seven days, I'll contact relevant organisations myself, unplug everything and send it to him.

I'll work it out, we'll manage. There's more to this than I can even discuss at the moment but he's been in control for a very long time and I thank my lucky stars he's no longer here as I had to force him out.

It's a shame when you get abused and have to do all the work to extricate yourself as they fuck about attempting to retain any level of control. I don't take it personally as I've watched him do it to other family members but it's a battle.

I like to think I'm strong but it gets to me sometimes.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
newnamexyz · 30/03/2022 21:40

Without meaning to scare you OP, the set up you currently have seems that he can pretty much monitor you when you're at home at the moment. What your accessing, when the heating is on etc.

If that control is taken away from him, his behaviour could escalate as he may look at other ways to monitor you.

I'd be looking to make sure I had something in place to protect from this.

You say at the moment he is not at the house. As you jointly own my understanding is that without having some sort of court order in place such as an occupation or non-molestation order he may return to the property and has the right to do so.

Apologies if you've already taken advice on that but thought worth mentioning.

Amybelle88 · 30/03/2022 21:51

I'm assuming you're not very tech savvy and he's trying to play on that, OP.

The bottom two pieces of kit - the crown 1002 and the nuvo are stereo amplifiers - used as part of a sound system and nothing to do with the internet. Do you have a sound system in your house?

The top bit, I can't see the writing clearly so I'm not sure. However, I do know if you simply turn the router off then it's dealt with - you can run your heating etc manually until you get a new router with a new provider in your name. If you use your 4/5G on your phone he can't see what you're doing or accessing.

He's being controlling and making you think that this form of control is more powerful - it's not - it's a router - turn it off and take no notice of him - it's probably one of his last straws to clutch at.

Amybelle88 · 30/03/2022 21:56

I've done a little more research and I'm pretty sure that's a sound system for your home and not the internet system he's trying to make out he has in place.

Can you locate your router? It's likely to be near a phone socket.

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