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Relationships

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Original poster

" Love Bombing" - why?

46 replies

ValerieCupcake · 30/03/2022 09:20

I have learned more in the last few months on Mumsnet than ever I did in my relationships and dating. I had no idea about love bombing, narcissism or scripts. I thought that if people behaved badly towards me it was my fault for not being good enough.

I was married once. I met him in March. Got engaged in April. Married in October. The whole relationship was hell. He was controlling and horrible. We had a fight the week before the wedding and a wedding present got damaged. I thought it would sort itself out but it didn't.

He started off being very attentive. Promised me a weekend in London. It happened, but when we got there he had no money and I finished up paying. I later discovered he had split up with someone 10 days before we met. She dumped him. He then got me to do the pick me dance (I learned about that here too). He said she wanted him back, but she didn't really.

He was overly attentive at the start. In the June I had to go into hospital for a procedure and was kept in overnight. He drove me there. I couldn't remember the directions and was anxious. He screamed and yelled at me in the car while driving around to find the hospital. And I still married him.

My question is why though? Why do it? Why bother? Why not just find someone you love and treat them properly?

OP posts:

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 30/03/2022 09:23

Chumplady does some good pieces on these type of scripts

www.chumplady.com/category/narcissism/

Afterallsbeensaidanddone · 30/03/2022 09:24

They don't know the meaning of love. They have different goals which are not loving and don't really know how to see you as a person. Life is a game and they don't really 'get' that it isn't for you.

Original poster

ValerieCupcake · 30/03/2022 09:45

It turned out that my ex husband had been married before meeting me. He planned to go to teacher training behind his first wife's back. She met someone else whilst he was there - he was cheating as it happened. The girlfriend dumped him 10 days before we met.

When I finally chucked him out I found out he had also been cheating. She also left him.

OP posts:

BDHS1 · 30/03/2022 10:13

I would always be in the look out for this. Anyone declaring love at an early stage and bombarding me with messages/gifts etc wouldn’t get very far. I’m surprised so many people fall for it.

Andoffwego · 30/03/2022 10:16

From what I can work out it’s because that sort of person can’t make real connections with people because they lack the empathy and understanding to do so, so they apply what they ‘know’ of love from films, books and tv to their relationships. Love bombing feels like the montage part of every rom com where the couple is doing loads of fun, silly, amazing and romantic things together while a love song plays over the top. It took me a while to realise that that wasn’t actually ‘goals’ and was actually a red flag if someone tried to make that happen at the start of a relationship. I think they think that’s what you do and that’s what love is. They hook you in and they’re as caught up in it as you feel, but then reality sets in and they realise that you haven’t actually achieved the impossible and made them fall in love with you and that’s when the mask falls off and their real self is unleashed.

Regularsizedrudy · 30/03/2022 10:21

Because there’s some kind of void inside them that can only be temporarily filled by controlling others. They aren’t happy normal people.

PollyDarton1 · 30/03/2022 10:28

For my ex, I think it came from a place of validation - it soothed somewhere in his soul that he wasn't and isn't this deplorable human and that he is capable of feeling emotion. He even said when cheating on me that he wanted validation that he wasn't this "bad bastard" and then told the woman he cheated on me with that he loved her after less than two weeks.

I suspect my ex has a very fragile ego that is boosted by the attention of others, and when he feels that validation, his emotions run away with him and he feels "in love". He told me he loved me on date 2 and tried to get me to say it back to him (I wouldn't, and didn't). He feels the connection and the promise and the hope, but love and trust takes time to build. He's now 8 weeks into a new relationship and "in love" again, introducing our child to her after promising to wait 4-6 months before doing so. The woman he cheated on me with, he tried to introduce our child after 3 weeks.

Incidentally, when we split, he admitted he never felt "unconditional" love for me and that was supported by the fact that he never accepted me as a person, he was always trying to change little aspects of me (weight, appearance, my anxiety, my parenting). His love toward me (and indeed I think in general) is incredibly conditional and only if his needs and desires are being met.

Original poster

ValerieCupcake · 30/03/2022 10:29

A few years ago and long after I had chucked out the husband, I met up with an old teenage crush. He was too old for me originally. He was 6 years older. We had talked a lot by text and on the phone and he booked a restaurant for a first date. He had nagged me to make the date earlier but I couldn't for genuine reasons. We went out on a Saturday night. He turned up with a huge hamper full of presents. Wine, flowers, chocolates of all descriptions. I was impressed (chump me).

He went on to gaslight me. All kinds of things came out of the woodwork about him. I was late to meet him once because of traffic. I'd kept him informed all the way. When I arrived he gave me the cold treatment for being late and said he had planned a surprise but I couldn't have it.

I felt guilty about wanting to end it with him. He sent me abusive messages when I did and blamed me I felt guilty.

Now he is in prison!

OP posts:

Redfacedshame · 30/03/2022 13:06

NC as very ashamed. I realised that I have done this in the past - not consciously but really got infatuated at the drop of a hat and went all in and felt like a teenager again. It wasn't deliberate manipulation, actually felt head-over-heels, although I know for many it is. Down to my insecurities and desperation to be liked / loved. Counselling helped big time. Even if I wasn't morally 'bad', it is still damaging and I'm proper ashamed.

Original poster

ValerieCupcake · 30/03/2022 13:33

I got infatuated with my XH when I first met him. I'd had relationships going nowhere, thought it was because I wasn't worth it or good enough. Engagement that I didn't want to be in. Just wanted to prove I was worthy of someone buying me a ring. Don't beat me up, I was only 17. Then he came along and wanted to march me down the aisle. I jumped at it.

OP posts:

PollyDarton1 · 30/03/2022 13:36

@Redfacedshame

You've got nothing to feel ashamed about - you recognised it, dealt with it and are self aware to ensure it doesn't happen again.

I can say with a degree of certainty that I got swept up with my ex who lovebombed me, and felt the things you are describing based on what he was saying/his desperation to be validated. I went entirely by his lead and when you are there it is very hard not to step back and think.

I was insecure and vulnerable too and although I don't think my ex was trying to manipulate me, I can see now there were some manipulative behaviours on his part to steer me down that path. I know he did it to the woman he cheated on me with, telling her he loved her after 2 weeks and crying when she didn't say it back. She didn't comply with his lovebombing and he discarded her shortly afterwards, then looped me back in and lovebombed me again.

Hiddenmnetter · 30/03/2022 13:46

I think that many people do love bomb but not because they’re trying to manipulate, but because they have no idea what a relationship actually looks like and they’re really unhappy and hoping that a relationship will fix their unhappiness.

I would say that mostly they want to be in love, so they try to “be in love”, but they don’t really love because it’s based on them feeling good. Loving someone isn’t a feeling- it’s a decision to put their good above your own. To do that it have to know someone, understand what is good for them, and decide to prioritise that above yourself. It doesn’t happen instantly.

Afterallsbeensaidanddone · 30/03/2022 13:59

His love toward me (and indeed I think in general) is incredibly conditional and only if his needs and desires are being met.

There's an interesting parallel with that and his attitude to himself where he thinks he's 'bad' or good, when the truth is we're all both.

Afterallsbeensaidanddone · 30/03/2022 14:01

These people often have a lot of cold rage that can be triggered as the love bombing comes to an end, validating their desire to turn off the empathy and look for a new source of fulfilment and validation.

ravenmum · 30/03/2022 14:13

When you're lovebombed, it can be great at first, as the attention and words make you feel special, and it's really romantic - if they are good at it, or you don't know the red flags (or don't want to see them), then it's like living in a romantic film.
You reflect that heightened experience back on them - you're excited, so you're passionate, enthusiastic; it feels special for them too. They want to be liked, and you LOVE them. They feel like a great person. It's a big ego boost.
I agree that they are not necessarily doing it deliberately. They might just be trying really hard to make you like them.

PollyDarton1 · 30/03/2022 14:43

@Afterallsbeensaidanddone

His love toward me (and indeed I think in general) is incredibly conditional and only if his needs and desires are being met.

There's an interesting parallel with that and his attitude to himself where he thinks he's 'bad' or good, when the truth is we're all both.

I would agree with that.

In the case of my ex he was very arrogant and self centred, unless something knocked his confidence and then it was all 'you deserve better than me' and contrition. He was a very split thinker - people were either good or bad, there was no real in between or indifference.

He may have changed now of course, but it seems recently the pattern has come into play with his new girlfriend being the 'good' and me the 'bad' - apart from a brief moment a month ago when he was going to split with her and she was the 'bad' and I was the 'good' in his life,

Original poster

ValerieCupcake · 30/03/2022 15:07

I seemed to fall for this a lot. I was so stupid.

Another boyfriend who I initially didn't like much persuaded me to go out with him. I did a few times because I had nothing much on. He was a present bomber. Then there was a snowstorm and I was snowed in at his house. I stayed there for about four days and slept with him. Christ knows why. Then he proposed to me and I said yes. After that he turned funny. He started telling me about being on a boat holiday aged 16. He was with his parents and younger brother. They moored up and he didn't go with them for a walk. Instead the older blonde woman on the next boat invited him in for a BJ. (right). Load of rubbish. Every woman wanted him, he said. Then what I know as devaluing started. I was upset, but I tried to get him to listen to me. He wouldn't and he was spiteful. Told me that he was "crap" (he was right). And that if I didn't stop bothering him Hilary would "beat me up". Stay classy.

The arsehole actually lives on the next road to me. He doesn't know that and I don't think he would recognise me. I only did because my cousin told me. He looks terrible now.

OP posts:

Original poster

ValerieCupcake · 30/03/2022 15:09

And after it was over I saw him in town wearing a mac. He looked like a flasher. He was also known as Ice N Slice for clicking his fingers at bar staff and asking for "G&T. Ice & Slice"

I could write a book about these losers. He does have a business, though, but he's failed at quite a few others.

OP posts:

AhhhHereItGoes · 30/03/2022 15:12

A lot of these people have had fragmented childhoods and learnt very dysfunctional lessons about relationships.

Also, what they want is someone who will not question them. Best way to do that? Make them question themselves so much they can't trust themselves.

Original poster

ValerieCupcake · 30/03/2022 15:16

The thing is that these absolute nerds and duds had a real effect on my self esteem. I thought it was my fault I wasn't good enough for them. My fault I made mistakes. This is what it does. It took me far too long to recognise it.

OP posts:

LoganberryJam · 30/03/2022 15:21

I think it often comes from a place of insecurity. People who are unhappy or think of themselves as failures sometimes have a tendency to think "this is it - this is the relationship that will change everything for me - I'll finally be happy and successful". Whereas people with good self-esteem would never think that and are happy to take things more slowly.

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2022 15:28

Because love bombers (narcissists and similar) are not capable of love in the way that most ppl are. They want to aquire and possess you. Or to absorb something you have for theirselves, like your personality or the things you have.

Maverickess · 30/03/2022 16:36

@Pinkbonbon

This rings true for my ex, I started to suspect that he didn't actually know about feelings and stuff as the relationship developed and I started looking beyond the love bombing, and that he was relying on learned responses from watching others, the reactions of other people, TV etc and that's what he did when he found himself in a situation, and if it didn't work or you questioned it, then he got angry - because that always worked. I'm not even sure that makes much sense does it?

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 30/03/2022 17:36

I think on a social/cultural level the way love is portrayed is problematic. For people with dysfunctional or abusive upbringings, their understanding of what love is, comes from tv/films/books/SM/songs/advertising/magazines.

If you’ve been brought up in a home with parents who loved each other, but more importantly respected and liked each other, and have experienced security, stability, routine, and love, you’re starting in an entirely different place. Even then you can fall for this thinking it’s “romance”.

If you think about the lyrics of songs, or the script of a romcom as a guide or blueprint instead of light entertainment, it’s disturbing.

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2022 18:37

@Maverickess

Sounds like you might even have been dealing with a psychopath there. Common for them to mimic emotions other people have but that they never actually feel. Though narcissists and sociopaths have limited emotions too tbf and so need fake some things too. Like most empathy and concern for others.

But more telling for me is your use of the words 'that always works'. All these toxic sorts like to convince you that 'everyone' thinks something and that if you don't, then you must be wrong. Quite often this 'everyone' they are talking about isn't actually real. Seriously, ask them for examples and they won't be able to give you any.

They want to convince you that you ate the one with issues for not buying their stories. When 'everyone knows I would never lie to you' ect...

If someone is trying to convince you your feelings about something are wrong, for example, that you are wrong to be hurt by something hurtful they have done then that's a bug red flag. And if they start bringing 'everyone else thinks' into it, then you know they are trying to destroy your faith in yourself.

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