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Original poster

" Love Bombing" - why?

46 replies

ValerieCupcake · 30/03/2022 09:20

I have learned more in the last few months on Mumsnet than ever I did in my relationships and dating. I had no idea about love bombing, narcissism or scripts. I thought that if people behaved badly towards me it was my fault for not being good enough.

I was married once. I met him in March. Got engaged in April. Married in October. The whole relationship was hell. He was controlling and horrible. We had a fight the week before the wedding and a wedding present got damaged. I thought it would sort itself out but it didn't.

He started off being very attentive. Promised me a weekend in London. It happened, but when we got there he had no money and I finished up paying. I later discovered he had split up with someone 10 days before we met. She dumped him. He then got me to do the pick me dance (I learned about that here too). He said she wanted him back, but she didn't really.

He was overly attentive at the start. In the June I had to go into hospital for a procedure and was kept in overnight. He drove me there. I couldn't remember the directions and was anxious. He screamed and yelled at me in the car while driving around to find the hospital. And I still married him.

My question is why though? Why do it? Why bother? Why not just find someone you love and treat them properly?

OP posts:

Lampan · 30/03/2022 18:58

They rely on your politeness of not wanting to let them down or hurt their feelings, and also the ingrained attitude many people have which is that being in any relationship is preferable to being single.
If ANYONE is making declarations or love or even keenness before they have had chance to get to know you well, it’s always a red flag. Way way better to be single than with someone waving red flags.

Watchkeys · 31/03/2022 09:31

'Why' is the most dangerous question. It's seeking to understand, and in seeking to understand, we seek to find a thought process in common, so that we can forgive. And that's the pathological though process of the victim.

If this wasn't the case, we'd be happy with 'Why does he do it? It's because he's a horrible person who wants to manipulate kind people into making his life easier.'

What's wrong with that explanation, @ValerieCupcake?

ravenmum · 31/03/2022 09:47

I've sought to understand plenty of people without wanting to forgive them. My aim has been to reassure myself that it's not me, it's them.

Also, I don't want to go round thinking that the people around me who make mistakes or act badly are all fundamentally evil, as that would be depressing as hell. And what if I act badly at some point, like a PP, and only realise it later? Am I then permanently a horrible person?

Watchkeys · 31/03/2022 10:12

I've sought to understand plenty of people without wanting to forgive them. My aim has been to reassure myself that it's not me, it's them

Then it's understanding of you you're looking for, and you'd be well advised to spend the time working out what's happening with your view of yourself, rather than with your view of them.

ravenmum · 31/03/2022 10:27

Firstly, when someone treats you badly, it is pretty natural to wonder if it's about you, even if you are otherwise secure in yourself. That's how humans are built. To have at least a moment of self-doubt, so that if we do make a mistake, we can learn from it.

Secondly, if you are not 100% secure in yourself, it's something that can be managed in part through reasoning. Trying to understand what is driving the other person helps you get a rational grasp of what has happened, so that you can process it. This makes you stronger in a way that writing them off as horrible people, and not processing it any further, does not.

Watchkeys · 31/03/2022 11:01

I think that if somebody is getting to you, and you don't know how to find a way to get yourself back to secure, focussing on them isn't the best idea, @ravenmum It's not natural to have to analyse somebody to recognise that they're making you feel bad; that's an unhealthy process, rather than 'how humans are built'. It might be how you are built, but that doesn't qualify you to speak for 'humans' in general. We're not all the same as you.

The healthy process is to check you don't feel you've done anything wrong yourself, and once you're confident in that, to step away from the relationship that's making you question yourself.

'Focus on your abuser's mindset' isn't something you'd ever hear from a professional counsellor/therapist.

ravenmum · 31/03/2022 11:03

I said that humans feel self-doubt. You appear to be deliberately misrepresenting my comments. I wonder why ...

Original poster

ValerieCupcake · 31/03/2022 11:13

@LadyCordeliaFitzgerald

I think on a social/cultural level the way love is portrayed is problematic. For people with dysfunctional or abusive upbringings, their understanding of what love is, comes from tv/films/books/SM/songs/advertising/magazines.

If you’ve been brought up in a home with parents who loved each other, but more importantly respected and liked each other, and have experienced security, stability, routine, and love, you’re starting in an entirely different place. Even then you can fall for this thinking it’s “romance”.

If you think about the lyrics of songs, or the script of a romcom as a guide or blueprint instead of light entertainment, it’s disturbing.

And there you have it. You have described me to a T. No wonder I grew up like I did.

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 31/03/2022 11:31

My point is that it's unhealthy to focus on the mindset of a person who hurts you, @ravenmum. I'm not representing you in any way whatsoever. We're all here to offer our own understanding. We don't have to agree.

ravenmum · 31/03/2022 14:29

To "misrepresent" someone is not about representing them. It means that you are describing them or their views in an inaccurate manner. I said that self-doubt was human, and you made it sound as if I was saying that analysing others' behaviour was human. That's a misrepresentation of what I said.

ravenmum · 31/03/2022 14:32

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald's description could also be applied to the lovebomber, couldn't it? A lovebomber might have been brought up not knowing how else to go about "wooing" someone except by showering them with dozens of red roses.

Watchkeys · 31/03/2022 14:41

To "misrepresent" someone is not about representing them

The clue's in the word...

ravenmum · 31/03/2022 15:03

So when I represent someone, am I also giving them a present, if the clue is in the word?

chocorabbit · 31/03/2022 16:39

Trying to understand what is driving the other person helps you get a rational grasp of what has happened, so that you can process it.

That's giving too much headspace to narcissists and sociopaths, they are not worth it.

I want to kindly say that Watchkeys is right in saying 'Focus on your abuser's mindset' isn't something you'd ever hear from a professional counsellor/therapist..

Watchkeys · 31/03/2022 16:43

@ravenmum

So when I represent someone, am I also giving them a present, if the clue is in the word?

Never mind. We disagree. It really doesn't matter.

Sorry for the derail, OP.

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 31/03/2022 17:02

@ValerieCupcake you might find it useful to Google “the shark cage metaphor”

In a nutshell it’s the idea that our upbringing equips us with a cage to protect us from predators but sometimes, because of our experiences, there are bars missing in our cage. It explains why red flags are obvious to some people while others feel like they keep attracting the wrong kind.

Andoffwego · 02/04/2022 08:22

I think with this sort of person it can be valuable to think about their mindset because it can make you realise that they are not capable of changing, that nothing you can do will fix them and that the way their mind works is almost like they’re about 75% human because it is so different to most people’s. Once you know that you can move on more easily. What would be a very bad idea would be to fixate on someone’s thought process in a way that seeks to excuse them or fix them (e.g. they were scared of how they felt so backed off so they didn’t get hurt/they had a lot going on on their life so couldn’t be with you/you weren’t trying hard enough and we’re making them sad). None of that is possible in this scenario so you can let go and crack on.

Watchkeys · 02/04/2022 09:08

It doesn't make anybody realise that anybody is incapable of changing, though. Anybody could change at any time.

Recognising that you yourself are not responsible for changing anybody is a healthier way to look at it. That saves you from this person and all the other non-compatible relationships you might otherwise try in the future. If you deal with your own mindset, it protects you from unpleasantness in general. If you deal with the other person's mindset, it keeps your focus on them, and may or may not protect you from their unpleasantness.

Andoffwego · 02/04/2022 09:34

I do agree that you need to work on your own mindset and focus on your own worth, but I don’t think there is any harm in learning about personality disorders and how a few of them mean that a person is incapable of behaving differently without a lot of treatment (which they are unlikely to seek out). But not to an obsessive degree. It’s a need to know then move on and forget them thing rather than a focus on it obsessively for years thing.

Original poster

ValerieCupcake · 04/04/2022 12:19

@Watchkeys

If this wasn't the case, we'd be happy with 'Why does he do it? It's because he's a horrible person who wants to manipulate kind people into making his life easier.'

What's wrong with that explanation, @ValerieCupcake?

Probably a good explanation.

OP posts:

altmember · 04/04/2022 13:34

It generally isn't an intention to deceive or manipulate. Some people just get carried away with their feelings - swept off their feet too quickly and move faster than the other person. But ultimately it takes two - the recipient of the love bombing needs to be receptive for it to work, otherwise they'd just shut the protagonist down before it gets out of hand.

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