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Original poster

Hot and cold and now no time for me

45 replies

123456LA · 30/03/2022 08:46

I've been with my partner for 6 months. He chased me in the beginning and it was wonderful, hearts and flowers and we were all for eachother.

Lately though cracks are starting to show. He's started a new job which means he gets up at 4:30am and finishes at 2:30pm. So he is tired at nights. But I would still pop over to see him midweek and he would stay at mine too (albeit be asleep early).

He has a bit of a drinking problem in that he can't handle it and will often drink too much and be quite rude to me. He's been very apologetic and hurt and has told me it won't happen again, but it does quite a lot. To the point where I said I'd stop going out drinking with him, I'm not a big drinker anyway and he knows I only go out with him to be social so I can spend time with him. Anyway, it happens again this weekend over my birthday. This time though he wasn't so sorry. I didn't even want to go out as it was my birthday weekend and wanted to spend quality time just him and I but he didn't. He apologised very briefly but expected me to forgive and forget. He made no effort to see me properly on my birthday but did give me a big grand gestured booked trip for later in the year as a present. Which I didn't understand as he hasn't even been remotely interested in me lately so why do that?

Anyway, we met at a sports club (tennis) last year but both took some time out. I've said I'm going to go back as I miss it and he has since said that if I go back we will have little to no time to see eachother. And suddenly now he is going to work later and got I the gym every night and will be too tired to see me, and I will get a Saturday with him 'maybe'. I've asked him why everything has to change just because I'm going back to tennis one day a week and he says work is just making him too tired so midweek is a write off and weekends are only time we can do stuff together (it's not tho as he chooses to want to go out with his mates drinking than spend one on one time with me). I asked him if he wanted to just call time on the relationship if he doesn't feel there will be enough time to invest, even though it wasn't what I wanted and that I didn't understand why anything had to change, and he got angry at me saying no he doesn't want to end it. Sent me a shirt and sharp goodnight text and I haven't heard from him since.

He always texts me good morning before work, and we keep in touch throughout the day, but lately that's all dwindled and he's not even been making a huge effort to speak to me, I wait hours for responses knowing he's on his phone. I just don't underwent what's going on. Hot and cold all the time and it's really affecting me now. I'm struggling to eat and concentrate

Thoughts

OP posts:
teaandtoastwithmarmite · 30/03/2022 08:48

Dump him. Sorry to be so blunt but he sounds awful and life is too short to be chasing after people who don't give a crap. Hugs OP x

Aprilx · 30/03/2022 08:51

Well I think it is good that he has decided to go to the gym instead of drinking every night. But the relationship seems to have urn its course.

Don’t ask him whether he wants to end it, you get a say in this too.

girlmom21 · 30/03/2022 08:54

So he gets all the time in all the world to do what he wants. You take up one hobby and it's game over.

This man has no respect for you. Don't waste any more time.

KatsuKatsu · 30/03/2022 08:55

I think its over OP.

CecilyTheWake · 30/03/2022 08:55

Thoughts? He’s lost interest but doesn’t want to be the one to break up so is hoping that you’ll do it.

Bin.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/03/2022 08:56

He love bombed you in the beginning (you perhaps did not recognise the red flags here re a chase and or a very quick attachment) and is likely to be an alcoholic to boot. He has now given you the boot in a cowardly way.

Do not take this man back under any circumstances, if you are fool enough to do this you will be in for more of the same. You do not need him in your life. Expect and demand better for your own self from a relationship; certainly not a love bombing man with a drink problem.

billy1966 · 30/03/2022 09:26

He sounds awful.

He loved bombed you and now his true ugly, drunken character has leaked out.

If you wish to waste time being treated badly, continue with him.

You will just be wasting your time.

Move on, and return to tennis.

HellToTheNope · 30/03/2022 09:29

Thoughts?

I'm wondering why your standards are on the floor. Raise the bar.

Original poster
123456LA · 30/03/2022 09:35

He doesn't drink every night, once at the weekend, but it never used to even be once, we'd be out walking or taking the dogs out and at nice cafes. It's just started recently with the drinking. My self esteem is really low right now and that's because of all this. He was very full on in the beginning but I have to admit, I liked it. It was flattering and it made me feel good.

I just want to understand why has he ended it if he's lost interest? He's never hesitated in his previous relationships to end things when he's unhappy so why keep hanging around with me?

OP posts:
HellToTheNope · 30/03/2022 09:37

There's nothing to understand. Stop giving so much power to this twat. Dump and move on.

Yankeescot · 30/03/2022 09:40

OP, I wanted to offer another perspective that may be going on.
You say that your DP has started a new job starting at 4:30am. I assume it's M-F, do you go to his midweek or do you want him to come to you?

I ask the above as I'm in the same position, however, I'm the one that's up at 4am in my relationship. I'm a personal trainer and fitness Instructor so a very physical job which requires a lot of driving to separate clients/locations. Some days are much longer than others finishing in the evening. I'm absolutely done with any effort at night as I'm just exhausted. Done with going anywhere, talking much, anything really. Plus, it's costing me a bomb in petrol! My boyfriend works M-F pretty much 9am-5pm and has an assistant that does most of his admin. His schedule is very low key. He expects me to always go to his house in the evening and it irritates the hell out of me. I mean all of the time. He never, ever stays here and he'd be seeing me a lot more if he'd make the effort of simply coming here. He has stayed at my house exactly 1 night in the last 2 years. He honestly believes his cat will be too upset to spend the night at home alone if we're not there. I love that cat too, but she'll be fine alone for a night!
As a result he's seeing a lot less of me right now because I'm just too tired during the week. And trying to conserve petrol where and when I can right now. If he'd come here, he'd be seeing me the amount of time he wants to. Because at this point, I feel as if it's me making all of the effort and it's wearing me down.

I could be way off, but your DP may be struggling with his new schedule? And trying a new way to slot everything in when he's tired? If you make the effort to go to his midweek, do you think it would make a difference?

Harlequin1088 · 30/03/2022 09:41

Get in the bin - would be my response to him.

He’s keeping you hanging around because you’ve put up with all of his shit so far and he knows he can get away with it. The drinking won’t have started recently - he’ll have been a problem drinker for many years but will have become adept at hiding it when it suits him - such as in the early days of the relationship when he’s busy love bombing you….

Get rid now. No good can come of this, I’m afraid.

ISayItLikeItIs · 30/03/2022 09:44

The drinking problem alone would be It for me...cannot cope with that

seensome · 30/03/2022 09:51

He's a lovebomber not actually good at a real relationship.
He drinks too much, he's rude to you, didn't give you his time on your birthday, it's shit behaviour from him.
After 6 months is when you start seeing the true character of someone, when the newness has faded. I would get rid, you can't change his behaviour. Although I'd bet he'll start chasing again soon as you've had enough, some men just like the thrill of the chase.

Original poster
123456LA · 30/03/2022 09:55

@Yankeescot thanks for your perspective on this! I know he is struggling and is tired, he can barely keep his eyes open after 8:30pm most nights. But yes, I always go and see him. He will come and see me one night midweek and stay over and we both go to bed early due to his early rise for work so I always work around his schedule. He will stay at mine usually on a Saturday too. The tiredness is affecting him yes, but I can't put that down to his lack of interest, the dwindling texts, the never wanting to do anything unless it's with his friends (he does invite me but then pays little attention to me when I'm there and it usually involved alcohol). He's hardly ever affectionate and is so hot and cold I can't keep up.

There are ways around seeing eachother even if it all did come down to his work, he's just throwing all attempts at me offering different solutions out of the window and cutting contact with me bcos I've decided to go back to a sport I love (which will take place when he claims he'll be asleep at night anyway) so I don't get what the problem is. I haven't heard from him since last night after he abruptly said goodnight as I haven't responded. I know everyone is saying bin him off, and believe me I want to, but I do genuinely love him and I feel torn. I am too nice ans yes I put up with more than I should probably due to early childhood trauma. It's just not easy for me to walk away

OP posts:
billy1966 · 30/03/2022 10:00

You know this loser 6 months and love him.

You are knowingly choosing to stay with a controlling, drunken waster.

That's your choice.

Your choice to be "too nice and put up with too much".

By all means use an earlier trauma as an excuse to knowingly stay with a waster.

You deserve better, but if you want to be with a waster, that is your decision.

It's your life and it will be you who will pay the price.

Best of luck, I have no doubt you are going to need it.

Underpaidsnackbitch · 30/03/2022 10:01

It shouldn't be like this after 6 months op, it sounds like too much hard work. The issue around drinking would put me off. He may not drink often but sounds like he is vile when he does. What's going to happen in the future if you live together or have children?

It sounds like he is very selfish and could be controlling. He didn't listen to you about how you wanted to spend your birthday
He doesn't like you returning to your hobby, and is going to punish you by restricting your access to him.
6 months together isn't a long time, but long enough that he is showing you exactly who he is, and what a future together could look like.

GeneLovesJezebel · 30/03/2022 10:02

He’s controlling you. Run.

FinallyHere · 30/03/2022 10:04

often drink too much and be quite rude to me

Don't let someone be rude to you just because they have drunk too much. You may not be able to stop then the first or even the second time, but once you spot the pattern, please, honestly, please get rid.

One really good way to raise your self esteem is to purposefully treat yourself well. Just don't accept being treated badly by anyone else.

It's hardly a secret that if you let people treat you badly it will make you feel bad. It's not always obvious that treating yourself well and insisting everyone else does the same will improve your self esteem.

Anyone not prepared to treat you well shall be dumped. That's when you start feeling better about yourself. Good luck.

Having read your latest update ...

This is so not about you going back to the sport you love, he is just not treating you well and is getting away with that. That alone should be enough for you to say 'this isn't working for me' and go your separate ways. Staying in this relationship, putting up with his bad treatment of you and just wondering why on earth he cares about your once a week interest ... shows that you are really not seeing the situation clearly.

Only keep people in your life who treat you well. Your life will be so much better when you changed to this way of living.

ISayItLikeItIs · 30/03/2022 10:37

OP , I know you're saying its not easy to walk away but this isn't a 15 year marriage with 3 kids..And I am by no means trivializing your relationship. It only been 6 months and its like this then imagine how a year or two would be.

Sometimes making the right decision hurts like hell but you'll be better off I promise.

I do understand the childhood trauma thing and the way it affects relationships. Its real. But you're greater than your trauma and by stayign you're literally creating mor trauma.

Yankeescot · 30/03/2022 13:14

@123456LA your situation certainly doesn't sound like mine then if you're going to him mid-week and accommodating that. Also offering suggestions/solutions on how to overcome things. I'm so sorry for you, sounds as if you're in a very tough position. Fortunately, my DP is also into long distance sport so trains before work so early bed/early rise is our jam. But only if it's at his house, ugh.

And if he's rude to you while drinking, I'm going to join the others in saying to walk. No one should tolerate that.

You stick to re-joining tennis, that should be a non negotiable. Always get back to the things you love to do. You sound lovely and I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

BluebellsGreenbells · 30/03/2022 13:18

Do you actually want to be with him? Your OP is all about him. You count too.

Sounds like a loser, stop wasting your time.

JorisBonson · 30/03/2022 13:21

He's not a partner. He's a new boyfriend who's making you feel shit. Don't stick around for it to get worse.

RantyAunty · 30/03/2022 13:49

He's showing his true ugly colours.

Time to dump.

Hausa · 30/03/2022 13:56

There is often so much passivity and lack of agency in these posts. You don’t need to sit there, wait for him to do/say/be something and react. You are an adult, this is your life, take ownership and make it a life that you enjoy.

If you’re six months in and someone is behaving in a way that makes you unhappy, you end it. No analysis of his motivations is required. You and your happiness should be your primary concern.

You do not love him after six months. You barely know him. End it now, not in two/five/ten years, when you’re properly enmeshed. Now.

I get that you don’t want to do this due to (insert reasons), but that doesn’t make it hard or complicated. It’s actually extremely straightforward. Good luck.