Hot and cold and now no time for me

[123456LA]

I've been with my partner for 6 months. He chased me in the beginning and it was wonderful, hearts and flowers and we were all for eachother.

Lately though cracks are starting to show. He's started a new job which means he gets up at 4:30am and finishes at 2:30pm. So he is tired at nights. But I would still pop over to see him midweek and he would stay at mine too (albeit be asleep early).

He has a bit of a drinking problem in that he can't handle it and will often drink too much and be quite rude to me. He's been very apologetic and hurt and has told me it won't happen again, but it does quite a lot. To the point where I said I'd stop going out drinking with him, I'm not a big drinker anyway and he knows I only go out with him to be social so I can spend time with him. Anyway, it happens again this weekend over my birthday. This time though he wasn't so sorry. I didn't even want to go out as it was my birthday weekend and wanted to spend quality time just him and I but he didn't. He apologised very briefly but expected me to forgive and forget. He made no effort to see me properly on my birthday but did give me a big grand gestured booked trip for later in the year as a present. Which I didn't understand as he hasn't even been remotely interested in me lately so why do that?

Anyway, we met at a sports club (tennis) last year but both took some time out. I've said I'm going to go back as I miss it and he has since said that if I go back we will have little to no time to see eachother. And suddenly now he is going to work later and got I the gym every night and will be too tired to see me, and I will get a Saturday with him 'maybe'. I've asked him why everything has to change just because I'm going back to tennis one day a week and he says work is just making him too tired so midweek is a write off and weekends are only time we can do stuff together (it's not tho as he chooses to want to go out with his mates drinking than spend one on one time with me). I asked him if he wanted to just call time on the relationship if he doesn't feel there will be enough time to invest, even though it wasn't what I wanted and that I didn't understand why anything had to change, and he got angry at me saying no he doesn't want to end it. Sent me a shirt and sharp goodnight text and I haven't heard from him since.

He always texts me good morning before work, and we keep in touch throughout the day, but lately that's all dwindled and he's not even been making a huge effort to speak to me, I wait hours for responses knowing he's on his phone. I just don't underwent what's going on. Hot and cold all the time and it's really affecting me now. I'm struggling to eat and concentrate

Thoughts

@CecilyTheWake

Thoughts? He’s lost interest but doesn’t want to be the one to break up so is hoping that you’ll do it.

Bin.

^This. I was dating someone like this. We were full on texting/calling each other regularly. then over time it dwindled down and I was initiating all communication and he would cut calls short. Finally I stopped initiating contact and never heard from him again.

He won't have suddenly become more interested in drinking with his mates than walking the dogs or going to nice cafés with you, OP, he was merely presenting a more appealing version of himself to reel you in. Now he's got you, he's no longer pretending. This is also why he no longer apologises for being rude to you when he's drunk - he doesn't feel he needs to because he's confident you won't dump him.

This is six months in. Can you imagine how badly he'll be treating you six years in?

123456LA

re your comment:-
"I know everyone is saying bin him off, and believe me I want to, but I do genuinely love him and I feel torn. I am too nice and yes I put up with more than I should probably due to early childhood trauma. It's just not easy for me to walk away"

You should trust your own feelings here re binning him off.

What makes you feel so torn about him?. You have no ties to this man and he has behaved badly to you. It is your choice not to do that but in not walking away the only person you will hurt here is you and worst of all by your own hand.

Am wondering if you are codependent in relationships and what you think of as love is actually codependency.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up then?. Of course you do not have to state what happened to you in your early childhood but it has left you feeling traumatised and with a tendency to put up with crap behaviours from others (because that is perhaps familiar/all you think you deserve). This has made you far more attractive a target for someone like this to use and further mistreat. He targeted you deliberately and used your own insecurities against you.

You have been convenient for him until now and he has used you as such.

Run for the hills OP.

So many red flags here OP. He lovebombed you in the beginning and his mask is already slipping. He's manipulative and controlling and has already ruined your self-esteem. You don't love him, you love the person he pretended to be. He's actually the person who ignores you on nights out, wants your life to revolve around him and doesn't want you to have any interests of your own. Run. For miles.

I think he joins things to meet women and that is his modus operendae. He lovebombs the woman, then gets bored after a few months and lovebombs the next. He's not really there for his health. That is why he got the hump about you going back to tennis - he thinks you are going there to meet men, as he goes to meet women.
So, when he claims that if you go to tennis, I'll go to the gym every day, so we will meet less, what he's really saying is, that if you start looking, I will too. Tennis and gym are where he goes to pull, so he wrongly thinks others do the same.
Never date a lovebomber, they have short attention spans and move onto the next thing quickly.

You know he's lost interest, and clearly doesn't care very much about you. Your hanging on to the man he presented as when you first met and he wasn't real. Please dump him and move on, you haven't even been together very long and it's already crap, it will only get worse and your confidence and self esteem will be shot to bits

So what if he doesn't actually want to end it - he's a shit boyfriend and you should expect more. Don't settle for this crap.

His hot/cold behaviour is making you feel confused and hurt/upset.

He has no empathy towards you regarding how HIS actions are making you feel.

He’s putting no effort into the relationship unless it’s on his terms, and he has a tantrum/sulk if he doesn’t get his own way.

In drink he shows his true colours then deflects and blames other things to hide the fact that he has some serious inferiority issues that only he can deal with (bit like giving up smoking, nobody else can do it for you).

Love bombing is a classic controlling/coercive behaviour – any guy who does this is showing you “who he is” from the beginning.

I’m all for understanding the other person’s point of view but that should be reciprocal from them too. As should be a willingness to talk about and deal any underlying problems in a mature and adult way.

Those are fundamental personality traits he’s exhibiting, right there. Is that the kind of man you aspire to having in your life?

”Lately though cracks are starting to show.” - Right there. You’re seeing him for who he really is. Your rose-tinted specs have come off. That is your lightbulb moment when you realised this has turned into a shit relationship and one you didn’t sign up for.

A lot of these single men love bomb you in the beginning until their true colours come out. Just dump the twat and put him on block. Plenty more fish in the sea op.

Update. I ended things with him. Over text. Because, that's all he's worth. A text. Since my original post, he's had me on a rollercoaster of emotions, ignoring me, getting in touch hours after I message him but being online. Saying he wants to see me then going out with his mates. So it's done. I didn't deserve that

And he's had the audacity to message me asking why I'm ending things the way I did

Well done op, it will be a relief not having to wonder where you stand with him.
Just ignore any more messages from him.

Ignore and further messages or block him.

I wouldnt tell him.
Make something up - ‘I’ve had a better offer (you knob)’ might do it

Please just walk away. He’ll damage your mental well being.

Well done OP, you are absolutely right - you deserve far better than this. You don't owe him an explanation. If he doesn't already understand that he has behaved badly towards you, he never will.

@Yankeescot

OP, I wanted to offer another perspective that may be going on. You say that your DP has started a new job starting at 4:30am. I assume it's M-F, do you go to his midweek or do you want him to come to you?

I ask the above as I'm in the same position, however, I'm the one that's up at 4am in my relationship. I'm a personal trainer and fitness Instructor so a very physical job which requires a lot of driving to separate clients/locations. Some days are much longer than others finishing in the evening. I'm absolutely done with any effort at night as I'm just exhausted. Done with going anywhere, talking much, anything really. Plus, it's costing me a bomb in petrol! My boyfriend works M-F pretty much 9am-5pm and has an assistant that does most of his admin. His schedule is very low key. He expects me to always go to his house in the evening and it irritates the hell out of me. I mean all of the time. He never, ever stays here and he'd be seeing me a lot more if he'd make the effort of simply coming here. He has stayed at my house exactly 1 night in the last 2 years. He honestly believes his cat will be too upset to spend the night at home alone if we're not there. I love that cat too, but she'll be fine alone for a night!
As a result he's seeing a lot less of me right now because I'm just too tired during the week. And trying to conserve petrol where and when I can right now. If he'd come here, he'd be seeing me the amount of time he wants to. Because at this point, I feel as if it's me making all of the effort and it's wearing me down.

I could be way off, but your DP may be struggling with his new schedule? And trying a new way to slot everything in when he's tired? If you make the effort to go to his midweek, do you think it would make a difference?

@Yankeescot so basically your fella is putting his cats needs before your financial safety not to mention your physical safety for the fact that you’re driving when you’re knackered where do these idiots get off. You need a new boyfriend too and if you’re a personal trainer I imagine there’s a queue round the block of men that are interested in you.

I've since had messages asking why I've ended it. Telling me in a 'headf*' and am I just going to ignore me him now? Yes. Yes I am. He ignored me all last night and was disrespectful, so he can have a taste of his own medicine. He's blocked on everything. He's probably not bothered anyway. It's just the lack of control he's missing.

He's he just wants you as a plaything. Just ignore nice one OP.