Can't Handle My New Relationship

[PinkTrouble]

Hi,

I dont know where to start really. I am in a new relationship with a truly lovely man, it was all going so well but now I can't seem to stop ruining things.

I got out of an abusive relationship a few years ago and since then I have mainly dated and slept with people, this man is my first real relationship since. I had lots of therapy after my ex.

When I was dating him I had so much fun, when he asked me to be his girlfriend I was over the moon. However, now it seems very real. I cant stop overanalysing everything, comparing him to my ex, getting defensive, looking for things that are wrong, picking holes in everything, being unreasonable with him.

I cannot express enough that this man is lovely and has not shown any red or even amber flags. I can talk to him about everything and have done so, he treats me with compassion, care and empathy every single day. He does not deserve how I am being with him. He has said he is here for me, however I know he won't be able to cope much longer. I am fine perhaps 80% of the time, it seems to go in cycles.

Im wondering if anyone has been through anything similar and can offer me any advice?
Im on the verge of ending things with him because I can't cope with my emotions, but I know that I would regret that. Ive spent years looking for someone like him. I wind myself up and am inconsistent with him, he has been nothing but consistent and secure. I am completely in control of all other aspects of my life, I just cannot seem to manage a relationship.

(I feel I should add, I have never been physically abusive towards him, I have never swore at him, name called etc, that's not what I mean)

TIA!

If you can talk to him about everything, why not try that ??

Take a step back......deep breath........and try and get across to him what you're trying to get answers for on here......

Just a thought 😁

I'm about to go back into therapy after stopping it shortly after meeting my now bf. Is restarting it an option for you too?

@FunkyPhantom
Thanks, I have spoken to him about this several times, including sending a super long message today explaining (but not excusing) my behaviour. I'm away at the moment so I will definitely speak to him F2F when I'm home.

@PermanentTemporary
I suppose it is an option, yes. What kind of therapy do you have, if you don't mind me asking? I've only really had talking therapy but wonder whether trauma therapy would be beneficial. I didnt find too many long term benefits with talking therapy.

Integrative psychotherapy. I was hoping for some body focused work but there wasn't much of that, but I'm amazed to find myself in such a different relationship to what I used to have. Though I'm now struggling and think im trying to sabotage it. Trauma therapy sounds like a good idea.

@PermanentTemporary
I hope the therapy works well for you, it sounds like you've met someone lovely, who I'm sure you deserve. I totally resonate with what you say about sabotaging things. I am so sad, it was so easy and safe at the beginning but my stupid brain is ruining it.

I can kind of see that I'm doing it but it's all a muddle. I fantasise about ending it but I've always done that.

When do you think the change happened?

@PermanentTemporary
What stops you from ending the relationship? How long have you been with him for?
Fantasise is a good word to use and describes how I feel as well.

Its hard to pinpoint when the change happened, I would say weeks, but we haven't been together long. Perhaps it was when I really started to care for him. Some days I get an overwhelming feeling of love for him and can't believe how lucky I am, other days I cant cope and want to end things and run away!

Possibly you've rushed into spending too much time tohether too quickly? For someome with issues it's best to buid up slowly (I@m smilar). And yes, you nee dguidance from a therapist, coping with anxiety when it starts, how not to let it escalate.

Watching with interest! I have waves of this and think it’s the menopause.

Hi @PinkTrouble, I'm so sorry, that sounds like a difficult situation all around.
Besides going back to therapy, I'd suggest trying to figure out what triggers these episodes (for example, do you tend to become upset when you are more tired, hungry, etc?) And on his part: He may be lovely, but are there certain things he says or a certain tone of voice you don't like? Or is it a combination of both? Understanding your triggers will not change things immediately, but recognising them may reduce the issues signficantly.

Just to add: you don't have to answer this on here at all, it's just something to think about for yourself.

This probably isn’t helpful but another perspective. I can’t handle romantic relationships. It might be inherently me, it might be the result of a dysfunctional childhood. I realised quite early on I was picking the wrong men, that being part of a couple didn’t make me happy, but I thought I should be as pairing up seems to be the focus of everyone else. Once I quit trying I became so much happier.

I have good relationships with family and friends, dating is fine (when I can be bothered) but I truly believe being in a serious long term romantic partnership is not for everyone. Accepting that is very freeing.

I went through similar. Was a basket case at the start, but we are 4+ years in and it's just the most happy and calm and fulfilling relationship, I'm so glad we both persisted!

I agree with being open with him so he's prepared for the occasional hiccup and understands where it's coming from. It's part of who you are, and you want him to accept the real you not just the good bits you present when at your best!

I really worked on my approach too. Using a 'strength-based' mindset I'd heard about through work. So whenever I was irritated or feeling negative I'd redirect my thinking towards his wonderful qualities and how happy I was with him in my life. Instead of picking on something annoying me, I'd compliment him on something I admire about him.

You sound like my sister who has anxiety specifically triggered by relationships. It's partly because our mum died when she was 16.

Agree with pp you need a good therapist. Be as honest with your partner as you can without being unfair in what you expect him to cope with (people can't ultimately support you through problems that are triggered by themselves).

I felt like this when I got together with my (now) husband. I'm fully aware that the issues came from the fact that he was my first relationship after escaping an abusive marriage 7 years previous.

The pps suggesting therapy have a very good point. This could definitely help you.

Personally , I was completely honest with my husband if something happened that made my anxieties rise to the surface when we were dating. I explained that it wasn't his fault at all. Thankfully , he's a calm , patient and loving man and was happy to reassure me as many times as it took.

I empathise op , being vulnerable is one of the hardest things to handle after years of being solitary and guarded due to trauma.

Good luck.

Not the same OP but when I suffered from the occasional bout of serious depression around my period, I created some pages which I put at the back of my recipe file. I wrote down all the positive things about myself and what I liked about myself and what I was proud of. When I wasn't feeling "in my right mind" I would read everything the healthy me had written and it really helped. Because I was reminded this was temporary and wasn't how I felt about myself the majority of the time.

Can you create something similar? With positive statements about yourself, your BF and your relationship?

Your reaction reminds me of children who are fostered/adopted when they first go through a Honeymoon Phase and then a second phase where they unconsciously show the worst of themselves because they are frightened that they will be rejected or hurt by the new (but healthy) family. Eventually the trauma reactions calm down (although may surface occasionally). Its understandable that a close romantic relationship doesn't feel safe to you, as it wasn't before. Your reaction is logical but now you need to relearn and retrain your mind to enable you to feel safe, happy and relaxed in your new relationship.

OP please consider this

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I did this after I left my exH, helped me enormously- I did it through womens aid, who offered great support too.

Hope it helps.

@CatAndHisKit
Potentially, we did go on quite a few dates at the start, that has calmed down though due to work commitments, hobbies etc. I'm currently away with my friends which has brought everything to the forefront I think. I feel safer and better when I see him. Thanks, I will look at going back to therapy.

@Waterfordaston
Hope you get some ideas/tips too!

@NewDayNewLife
Thank you, I think identifying any triggers is a really good idea. It seems to be when I feel "abandoned." When I feel this way, my initial reaction in my mind is to go "well, fuck off then!" (Obviously I would never say this out loud to him) I almost want to push him to end things, but I don't want him to end things? Another trigger is when I feel he's not as excited as I am. After only knowing an intense, dramatic, passionate relationship (for all of the wrong reasons) this one can feel too ... just normal. I want things to always be 100% exciting and fun and passionate and intense, but I know that is not reality and us not being like that all the time doesnt mean he doesn't care about me.

@tcjotm
Thank you, its interesting to hear another perspective as many a time I've felt this way! However, I would love to get married and have a child/children in the future It's definitely food for thought though.

@DailySheetWasher
Thanks, thats so good good hear! He sounds like a lovely man and I'm so pleased you both got through it. Basket case is definitely a good description of how I am currently! I will continue being open and honest with him and I love your idea about noting down the things I enjoy about him, what he brings to my life etc, I shall do that.

@Aria999
Im so sorry about your mum. I think what you've said is spot on, I cant be unreasonable in what I expect from him, because I know that I am at the moment. Its almost as if I forget he's his own person and not an extension of me!

@DoubleGauze
Thank you, again that's lovely to hear! When you say be open with him do you literally mean "you did this which has made me feel like this... This has bothered me due to something from my past, it is nothing to do with you and you are not to blame." For example? I do struggle with that but can see how that is much better than what I'm currently doing.

@GoodnessTruthBeauty
Thank you so much. I think the positive affirmations will definitely help and I will set aside some time to do them. I work in this field and it's like you describe, the logical mind v the emotional mind. It's trying to find the "wise mind," inbetween the two, which is the most difficult part. With him, I am emotional, in all other aspects I am almost too logical.
Your end paragraph describes how I feel perfectly and thanks for saying that this is a normal response because I feel utterly irrational and illogical a lot of the time and nobody seems to understand. (I know I can't comprehend the trauma a lot of fostered and adopted children experience)

@NC4ThisAsOuting
Thank you! I'm glad this has helped you. I did the freedom project a few years ago, after the initial break up, but I can have another look at it with fresh eyes.

You sound such a nice lady. Please don’t be defined by your past. Seek help as soon as you can as this man sounds like a keeper. Also he doesn’t deserve to be treated like this

@PinkTrouble yes , absolutely that. It's definitely hard to do , especially in such a new relationship , but he seemed to appreciate my honesty.

I think that as long as the honesty and openess goes both ways and can be said gently and without blame it's a good thing.

I filled up reading this I'm doing the same thing. And I know it, but at the time my worries feel really and reasonable

That sounds like a difficult situation for you, I hope you’re able to work through it together.

May I ask, if you have periods if you find you’re like this with him around the time of your period? It’s only just dawned on me in the last few months that I’m not very pleasant to my boyfriend in the days leading up to my period. It’s like total self sabotage. He doesn’t deserve the way I act in those few days.

I’ve started taking some supplements which seem to have helped my mood

Unresolved trauma my lovely.

You are thinking whats the catch? When will this go wrong? Its too good to be true. Good things don't happen for me. But they do happen and tou deserve it. You Need to look into more therapy. Aswel as talking to him.

I am in a newish relationship (first year) with a man within traumatic past. He's affected us with it. His walls go up and he gets defensive if I show any weakness or concern to anything in the relationship. I've been made to feel absolutely awful sometimes when all I've wanted is a hug and a conversation. Sometimes he gets it right and he's calm. Other times I'll say something and I'm suddenly walking home because he's shouted and told me to leave.

You deserve to be loved and happy. But you need to continue to get help to find that confidence again. X

Hi @PinkTrouble you sound very self aware which is excellent, and this lovely guy is still here, so now is the time to take action! I’m exactly the same as you and I always self sabotage. I would definitely recommend reading “Insecure in love”. Also try to identify when you feel this way, for me it’s always around the time of my period when I’m much worse. Try to have lots of distractions and when you know you’re in this zone stay away from your phone. I know it’s easier said then done but you’re worthy of this relationship so don’t push him away! Xx

Omg this is absolutely me. Except I am a bit further along and I have just ended the relationship. And now I’m in bits.
It’s not the first time I have pushed him away and therefore I know I cannot beg him back, as no doubt I will do it again.
It is not his fault - it is my brain sabotaging things as a PP says.
Please think calmly and rationally and do not do as I did. I regret it every day.