Can't Handle My New Relationship

[PinkTrouble]

Hi,

I dont know where to start really. I am in a new relationship with a truly lovely man, it was all going so well but now I can't seem to stop ruining things.

I got out of an abusive relationship a few years ago and since then I have mainly dated and slept with people, this man is my first real relationship since. I had lots of therapy after my ex.

When I was dating him I had so much fun, when he asked me to be his girlfriend I was over the moon. However, now it seems very real. I cant stop overanalysing everything, comparing him to my ex, getting defensive, looking for things that are wrong, picking holes in everything, being unreasonable with him.

I cannot express enough that this man is lovely and has not shown any red or even amber flags. I can talk to him about everything and have done so, he treats me with compassion, care and empathy every single day. He does not deserve how I am being with him. He has said he is here for me, however I know he won't be able to cope much longer. I am fine perhaps 80% of the time, it seems to go in cycles.

Im wondering if anyone has been through anything similar and can offer me any advice?
Im on the verge of ending things with him because I can't cope with my emotions, but I know that I would regret that. Ive spent years looking for someone like him. I wind myself up and am inconsistent with him, he has been nothing but consistent and secure. I am completely in control of all other aspects of my life, I just cannot seem to manage a relationship.

(I feel I should add, I have never been physically abusive towards him, I have never swore at him, name called etc, that's not what I mean)

TIA!

@PinkTrouble I really wanted to get married and have children too. It was how I’d always pictured my life. Turns out, it’s not something I could do. I mean maybe with like full time therapy and the absolute perfect partner? 😂 it’s like dreaming of being a ballerina, I’m not made for it.

You seem less of a lost cause than I am so I second therapy. Be honest and specific with the therapist.

@SunflowerTed
Aww thank you. Its such a frustrating position to be in, but I'm happy to seek help.

@DoubleGauze
I shall definitely try this going forwards. I do always tell him that I think he's amazing and not to blame at all, but framing it in that way seems useful.

@Sux2buthen
Im sorry to hear you're going through something similar. It may be worth looking at compassion focused therapy (CFT) or dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) I use these at work but it's so much harder to use them for ourselves! I totally understand that in the moment are worries/emotions feel so real and justified.

@Bonniekat
Yes! I think my period does have a lot to do with things. I started the pill recently and I was like a different person, I couldn't stand him (but also still didn't want to lose him) It was really intense and unpleasant. After 3 weeks I stopped taking it because my emotions just seemed so unmanageable. I'm currently on my period and I definitely noticed feeling worse on the run up to my period. What supplements are you taking? I'm glad youve managed to get to the bottom of it!

@Saveadayx
Thank you. What you're going through cant be easy either, to be on the other side of things! I definitely get defensive and then the wall goes up and I just completely shut down. I hope your partner is getting the help he needs and I hope you get what you need from the relationship as well. X

@WoodyBrambles
Thank you! I'll check out the book. I almost find that being self aware makes the whole dilemma more distressing I am definitely worse around my period too and do need to stay away from my phone in these times! X

@Savoretti
Im so sorry, that sounds really difficult. Did anything in particular make you end the relationship? I hope that you can get to a place where you want to be! I'm trying to be rational, even though my mind and body are screaming at me not to be!

@tcjotm
Oh, im sorry, I jumped to conclusions that you didn't want those things. You are not a lost cause, im sure you're ace! I hope you have a good life, whichever way that will go. I'm going to research trauma therapists I think, I think I need to fully deal with that and delve into that before I can move on.

Sorry , I don’t have time to post in full here but wanted to say, I was like this.. (am occasionally still but I know why now and I don’t project my behaviour onto my partner) if you can find a Schema Therapist in your area I would highly recommend! It’s changed my life. 😁 🤗 X x x

@Dontsayyouloveme
Thanks, im glad thats worked for you! I've had a quick look and can't see anything in my area unfortunately! My beliefs don't stem from childhood, I had a lovely childhood, do you think this would still work for me? X

PinkTrouble ahh ok, maybe not so much then, sorry. Sounds like you do have anxious attachment style though.. so worth exploring through some kind of therapy why that is the case. Best of luck! ☺️☺️ X x

@Tcjotm I am so glad you feel at peace with this. If you don't mind me asking, are there some aspects of a relationship that still do appeal to you? I'm just wondering because I may be somewhat similar. I like the idea of passion and connection with someone but would struggle to have to consult with someone else's input before making decisions. Sorry if this detracts from the initial thread topic.

[quote NewDayNewLife]@Tcjotm I am so glad you feel at peace with this. If you don't mind me asking, are there some aspects of a relationship that still do appeal to you? I'm just wondering because I may be somewhat similar. I like the idea of passion and connection with someone but would struggle to have to consult with someone else's input before making decisions. Sorry if this detracts from the initial thread topic.[/quote]
The shared partnership aspect still appeals, you see some couples who are very devoted to their lives together and willing to work together on challenges and differences so that both can be who they want as well being a strong partnership.

But I feel like that’s very rare. Looking at so many relationships it seems like people expect the other to fit in with them, so much miscommunication about expectations and needs. Initial romantic love doesn’t get people through hard times. You see it all the time here when women are stuck with the hard work of raising kids and their husbands pull away.

I think that’s why a lot of arranged marriages work, or back in the day when marriage was expected, you just had to pick someone suitable. Not forced ones, but ones where the parties know what they want and are willing to work towards it. We have so many options in life these days, it’s easy to drift from casual dating into living together and then one person wants a baby and the other doesn’t have a reason to say no and then one day people wake up and realise they are settled with kids and they haven’t developed any of the communication skills or shared goals needed to navigate the rest of their lives together. I really hated the idea of being trapped like that or worse, my partner feeling trapped and buggering off leaving me to do all the drudge work while being controlled to some degree by the kids! It’s much easier being able to do what I want 😊. Sorry, didn’t mean to write an essay!

Maybe you dont feel like you dont deserve a loving relationship ? It could be self esteem issues. Really try and become aware of any negative brhaviour on your behalf, it could have become a habit.
Maybe sub consciously you feel it would be better for you to end the relationship than him avoiding him making you feel rejected and abandoned if he were to.?
Its all to do with self confidence and self esteem issues .