Moving on after my affair

[Tangledweb2022]

I haven't posted on here before, but I'm looking for some impartial advice, so...

I left my husband 2.5 yrs ago after I had an affair. At the time i split up with my ex I had also ended the affair. However shortly after I split with my husband, my new partner also ended his relationship with his wife, and we got together properly. Things are complicated but going well. I deeply regret how I treated my ex, but I should have left him years before as I had felt increasingly trapped in my marriage. What had started as an equal relationship had ended up with me feeling like a second class citizen in my own home, and I was made to feel ungrateful or greedy if I raised the financial or leisure disparities between us. To be fair to my ex, he is genuinely a really nice, generous, but traditional man who worked hard for his family, and he just couldn't understand why I was unhappy. We had been good friends but we were rubbish at working together for the kids, and I just ended up feeling resentful that my life had changed so much with kids while he just carried on as normal.

Both me and my new partner have 2 kids each. We both have joint custody of our kids with our exes. Mine are now 8 and 11 but were 6 and 8 when we split. My ex told them at the time that the reason for our break up was all down to me, because I am selfish. He also told them that I had an affair, which i don't think was a helpful thing for the kids to hear at their age. He tells them frequently that I am selfish (most recently when I said I couldn't drop off my son's computer game because I was away for the night). My son in particular has struggled and is often very angry with me, which again I understand. I try to be as honest with them as I can, but think there are some things they don't need to know.

I introduced my new partner to them a year after I split from their dad. When I told my ex they had met him, he threatened to take full custody of them if they saw him again (we have equal shared custody). He also told my kids that my partner is a thief and a liar and he doesn't want them to talk to him.

So, 2.5 years down the line. I am divorced from my ex. He bought me out of the family house and I moved into a flat round the corner. I was working part time as a nurse when we split and am now up to full time in a nursing management role but my ex still earns a good deal more than me. The kids are 1/2 the week with me, and 1/2 with him and we alternate weekends. My ex will not communicate with me at all, even to the extent that we can't have a conversation about eg kids' health issues. I organise most school/health things and just email him updates, to which he generally doesnt reply. The kids are really upset that we are so dysfunctional (as am i), and I don't know how to resolve it. I try to have minimal contact with him as it just infuriates him more. I thought things would have calmed down by now but if anything it's getting worse, and I know this level of hostility is just going to be so harmful for the kids.
To make matters worse I have since reintroduced my new partner to my kids. They really like him, but don't want me to tell their dad they have met him again as they don't want him to be angry.
In contrast, my partner has a good relationship with his ex and they are doing an amazing job of shared parenting, so I know it can be done! I have met my partner's kids and been in polite text contact with his ex wife about how to look after his girls.

Does anyone have any insights or advice on how to move forward with my ex for the sake of my kids? I would much rather never speak to him again, but clearly this is not an option...
Thanks in advance, and I am very aware that I have created this mess, so not after sympathy, just advice.

"What had started as an equal relationship had ended up with me feeling like a second class citizen in my own home, and I was made to feel ungrateful or greedy if I raised the financial or leisure disparities between us."

Sorry op why do you feel guilty again? He is clearly a man child that needs to grow the fuck up and get over himself, damaging his children to try and hurt you is absolutely disgusting.

You will never get anywhere with this man and the best thing you can do is put your DC in therapy so they can speak to a 3rd party about all this mess.

It sounds like he is not a nice man at all. Not condoning what you did of course but he sounds very hard work.

DH and I both have children with our ex's. From our experience (and those of friends) it takes both parents to commit to make coparenting work. But only one parent to make it impossible. I try so hard to co parent with my ex but he is continually nasty and difficult. DH and I coparent so well with his ex that we often spend time with her and the children

Watching for any magic tips on how to get an angry man to coparent !

He also told my kids that my partner is a thief and a liar and he doesn't want them to talk to him.

Why would he say that?

Thanks both, tbf he is a good man, and a good dad- he's just so hurt and angry that he seems to have a blind spot when it comes to me.
I think coparenting might be pushing it!! I'd settle for civility!

I don't know how to a) tell him that the kids are seeing my new partner without all hell breaking loose, and b) getting him to see that his anger hurts the kids and not me?

"He also told my kids that my partner is a thief and a liar and he doesn't want them to talk to him.

Why would he say that?"

I think because he was having an affair with me so 'stole' me and lied about it?

Time is a healer and a new relationship on his side might help too but in the short term you have no option but to just carry on as you are.

He wasn't a good man - he expected you to put up and shut and his anger and vitriol is because you dared to leave after years of him refuse to co-parent when you lived together!!

Look how afraid your DC are of rocking the boat, look how much he is choosing to damage them. He's not a good Dad because he puts himself first not them.

He hates you because he refuses to accept his own failings.

You know it really amazes me at times the differences in responses between when a man posts a thread like this to when a woman does, if a man had posted this he would have been very likely told to just suck it up.

So @Tangledweb2022 we can only take your word for it that your EX is genuinely a nice person and that at the moment his behaviour is because he has been hurt and is quite possibly still hurting/smarting, it can take a while to get over an affair and in the grand scheme of things a couple of years is nothing. Often it’s the case where you the left had already checked out and him being the left behind can take some time to catch up to where you are which is why you perhaps can’t understand his behaviour.

All due credit to you as it seems you understand that your affair has created a messier situation and your owning that at least and I’m sure you now wish you’d made a cleaner break. My concern is actually the fact your EX is involving the kids and they are now scared to tell him something so he is changing the dynamics of the relationship between him and the kids and he’s not recognising this, the kids don’t need any further pressure in what is already a difficult situation for them and they are now seeing you both as opposite sides and keeping secrets which is a lot.

I’m sure it’s frustrating and the only advice I can give is to be business like with EX and contact him only concerning the kids, send him an email with your concerns but keep it factual only and to the point no he said she said or anything that will drag you back into the circle of going over what happened between you.

Perhaps time will be a healer and I’m sure his hurt and anger will lessen and hopefully he will become more amicable without you pushing for it. In the short term business like manner it doesn’t really matter if he doesn’t respond as much as it does he has at least read or understood your concerns so it will give him something to think about.

I hope it all works out and good luck.

It will calm down. Time is a healer

Unfortunately you can not set a time when ur ex h is no longer hurt by your actions. You have to accept he may never be OK with ur partner. Am sure he was to blame too. 2 sides to every story.

Time is a good healer, lots of space. Don't try too hard. As kids get order, they can communicate with their father which means less for you to do!

He isn't being a good man or a good dad

If you truly think its possibku to have any impact on his anger (which is not your responsibility) would he consider mediation ? Could a family member intervene and approach him and say you want more amicable relations.

He sounds like a disagreeable and selfish person who is making his own children anxious so I think you may need to let go of the idea that this is somehow your fault.

The sad truth may be that there is nothing to be done but stay calm live your life and be a source of calm for your kids

Similar situation here altho mine were teens when I had an affair and subsequently left. Self confessed miserable and antisocial husband got worse and worse and I couldn't bear it.

Initially exH was amicable, even understood why I'd had an affair, explained to the kids he'd changed over recent years and agreed within a couple of days of me telling him I wanted to leave, that we should've done it years ago.

New partner still not accepted here, I've given up on that score for now.

I reached out a couple of months back via email to exH, explaining that I felt we needed to have some form of adult comms over the youngest at least. He agreed!!!! I was stunned and we've barely had any contact but it felt like a weight had been lifted. He sent me his new number which has enabled easier communication.

I think when men have been cheated on they take it harder than women do.

He met someone He's still with immediately after I confessed to affair. Genuinely pleased for him.

My kids - late teens and 20+ - have judged me, been vile to me, still punish me for affair and changing their lives and lifestyle. I have a relationship with them but it's still charged with their anger. I've apologised, made myself available for them 24/7, not much else I can do. They'll either come round or they won't but it saddens me to the core.

I doubt his anger towards you will diminish to be honest. He hates you. He hates you so much, he's prepared to damage his own children to get at you. He hates you so much, he will spend years turning them against you just to get the satisfaction of being able to make you suffer and watch every painful step of the way.

From what you say, it's likely he didn't realise you were unhappy and so the affair just looks like out and out betrayal. Getting over that level of hurt is probably impossible for him.

Your Ex's wife sounds like a good person who loves her children, realising she has no choice about putting up with her cheating Ex and his OW and just getting on with raising her kids the best way she can.

Your poor kids must be very confused. Being told their mummy is a bad person, and hearing nasty things about her.

They are a bit older now. I think, very gently, you could sit them down from time to time and say, "sometimes grown ups do bad things and have arguments, just like kids. Mums and dads don't always get everything right, but we try very hard. We say sorry, and try to do better next time, just like you do. Daddy is angry with me about an argument we had when I left your other home, and he doesnt like me any more and doesnt want to be friends. I'm sad about that and I've said sorry, and I hope daddy will realise eventually that I am sorry and he will stop being angry. But if he says nasty things about me, please don't worry, it's just daddy being grumpy about our argument. You can always tell me anything you like, and you should always remember that I love you both, very very much and I always will. Daddy loves you too and that will never change."

I wouldnt address the bad-mouthing directly with your Ex as it's likely to inflame him further. I think you just have to ignore it and try to counter it with love and reassurance for your kids. They will learn to filter.

Meanwhile the lack of communication about the kids will become less a problem as they grow older and can speak reliably for themselves. But it's very unhelpful. I might be tempted to communicate some other way - could you message MS Teams? You can see when he's read messages, you can store attached files there.

When you exchange the kids, what happens then? If it's a doorstop drop off, perhaps one time you should invite him in (assuming OM isnt there). He will say no. And then from time to time just invite him again. He needs to accept your new life in some way, in order to lessen his anger. Perhaps if you can slowly edge that door open, he will start to realise you arent the devil with horns.

I think if a woman was posting on here that she wouldn't let her DC meet her exH's partner after 2.5 years, she would get her arse handed to her.

Stop with the lazy 'if the sexes were reversed...' Men tend to treat women more disrespectfully in relationships, and are validated to do so. There is also often a power imbalance in favour of the man when children are born. It is comparing apples and oranges.

Your ExH has no say in whether you introduce DP. It is very telling that your DC are scared to tell him. I think they will find it difficult to forgive his behaviour towards them as they get older. He is creating a situation where your DC will be able to see quite easily why you left him. He is being very stupid and a terrible parent.

Would he do mediation? A third party might be able to get him to see how his behaviour is damaging to his DC.

My god he’s a control freak !
No advice, but we’ll done for escaping. The kids will make up their own mind about him in the end.

You need to let go of your guilt and penance now @Tangledweb2022, it is making you unable to challenge the poor parenting decisions your ex is making to protect your DC.

Your ex sounds like he is straying into parental alienation territory, which the courts (apparently) take a very dim view of, when the parent being 'alienated' is a man

My post is simply because it's helpful to see and properly consider all sides of this, and all the above posts are solely in support of you..

• you did have an affair. Regardless of how miserable you are, you leave the relationship before having an affair. An affair is a fundamentally selfish thing to do.
• you are still with 'the other man'
• it is probably the right thing to do to tell children why you've split up. It is confusing for them otherwise. And they will no doubt find out in the end. I'm afraid I have no good ideas on how to move forward, but I do think being understanding of his hurt and owning your part in this might help (you may already do).

You know it really amazes me at times the differences in responses between when a man posts a thread like this to when a woman does, if a man had posted this he would have been very likely told to just suck it up.

Exactly. A man would not be excused from having an affair for any reason! When it's a woman it's suddenly justifiable.

I'm sure the OPs husband telling their children what she had done isn't helpful to the OP at all!

This is a mess if your making, your husband is hurt and angry - again, imagine if it were a post about an unfaithful husband and the OW. His behaviour isn't very helpful, but the ones who are really suffering here are the children - you both sound selfish and self absorbed.

As others have suggested, ex needs times (and probably some counselling).

Her ex has had plenty of time though. My ex treated me abominably but I still put the children first in every interaction with him and ensure that I am polite, and I have never slagged him off to them.

@PersephonePomegranate, the issue is not about the affair, it is about how a father's behaviour uis impacting on his children. I was cheated on by ExH with someone very close to me (to add insult to injury). I never behaved like OP's ExH and there is no way I would have got away with it.

I really sympathised with my Ex SIL when BIL left her for an OW. However, I thought the way that she involved the DC 'daddy is leaving us' and 'that woman' was totally unfair to the DC. It really shocked me, as I thought she was a really devoted parent previously. That was not putting the DC first.

He was a shit husband and now he's a shit ex.

He's a shit father who is so full of hatred he is prepared to emotionally abuse his children.

He IS abusing his children by his behaviour.

Stop saying he is a good man.
He's not.
Sounds like he was financially controlling when your were together.

Well done for divorcing him.

In a couple of years your children will have a choice and will likely start saying No to being with him.

They are being hugely damaged by him, but when the times come and they are teens, they will refuse to be around him.

You can't change him.

Start keeping a note of his behaviour.
Stop telling him about school stuff.
You are 50/50, let him sort himself out.

Stop being a doormat.

Only contact via email and stop making his life easier.

You need to toughen up and stop excusing a man who is hurting and abusing your children.

If he hadn't been a shit husband, you likely wouldn't have had your affair.

Stop excusing him.

The children should come first even if you have to suck up somebody else’s appalling treatment of you. That’s the bottom line here. Your ex needs to see that. He doesn’t have to like it, but he does need to see it. As soon as possible.

“What had started as an equal relationship had ended up with me feeling like a second class citizen in my own home, and I was made to feel ungrateful or greedy if I raised the financial or leisure disparities between us. To be fair to my ex, he is genuinely a really nice, generous, but traditional man who worked hard for his family, and he just couldn't understand why I was unhappy.”

Not entirely getting how you can square a ‘really nice, generous man’ with making you ‘ feel trapped’ and making you feel ‘ungrateful and needy if I raised financial disparities’.
You are trying to excuse your affair and not bad-mouth your ex, as he is bad-mouthing you, but your excuses not unsurprisingly bad-mouth him and your character description of him sounds like a different person. You are at odds here.

There were clearly problems in your marriage which were no doubt contributed to by him, and no doubt contributed to by your checking out of the marriage secretly without telling him or giving him agency in the situation, giving your attention and affection to somebody else behind his back whilst he thought all was well, and presumably letting him find out he had been betrayed in the worst possible way by his own wife. His reactions towards you are unpleasant but completely understandable, his actions towards your children and parenting, whilst understandable, are totally unacceptable.
The marriage problems are a fifty/fifty responsibility between you and him, choosing to have an affair in response is totally your responsibility.The marriage issues are the excuses you are using to justify your behaviour, not the causes of your affair. Your decisions are the cause of that. He didn’t force you into any of it. If you knew he was a ‘traditional’ family man then you must have known how badly this would affect him. And it obviously has. However this has gone on for too long and he needs to see that and out his children before his resentment and hurt.

The main issue is his handling of what you and OM have done to him and the children. It is inexcusable and he is clearly struggling so badly with the trauma of betrayal that he has lost sight of the importance of separating good parenting from his contempt of you and your choices.
He obviously needs counselling as this is toxic and has gone on too long to be healthy, but hearing it from you is probably not a good idea. Is there anyone you both know, who you could approach to talk to him? Someone who knows him well enough to gently point out the damage he is now doing to the children and suggest counselling to him?
Also I would deal with him as little as possible and explain to the children what happened without blaming their father for your choices, that would be doing exactly the same as he is doing to them and also harmful. Perhaps you could take your children to some kind of counselling session to explain the situation in a way they would understand it, with a counsellor who can act as a disinterested third party for them, separate the issues from the people involved, and make the children feel less conflicted about trying to believe what mummy says or what daddy says and be able to love both of you at the same time, despite what they hear about either parent from either parent? They must be in unimaginable turmoil trying to be loyal to you both in this maelstrom.
At the moment you might not feel like putting your side of the story to one side, but they are struggling to understand two difficult things, one is why (without blaming their dad) you chose to break up their family, and two, why Daddy is now so angry with Mummy that he says terrible things about her and how to love both of you and hear this stuff at the same time. A family break up is a huge life changing experience for all involved, he is certainly not helping it with his appalling behaviour, but since the family break up hurt them immensely, you chose the family break up, so they will also be grappling with why Mummy would choose to do that. They might not voice these dilemmas and questions to you for fear of upsetting you, but they will be lurking somewhere. They are walking a tightrope of trying to make both their parents happy.
Your ex needs to stop his behaviour and move on now, I agree with a previous poster that your new partner’s ex has probably realised that she has to suck up the situation for the sake of the children and is doing so admirably, probably not wanting what her ex did to hurt his children any more than it had to. Your ex has not reached this point yet, and needs help from somewhere to do so.
So, maintain a dignified distance, explain as much as you can to the children without bad-mouthing their dad, and see if you can get somebody to get your ex to realise he needs help and that although what happened to him was very unfair, his children and their parental relationships must come first.
Horrible situation and I feel sorry for all involved, but it’s a mess of your own making OP and you need to stay as neutral as you can for your children’s sake and can only try from a distance to get help for a clearly traumatised man who first needs to see that he really needs it. I hope he does for the children’s sake.

@Velvian yes, I do agree with what you've said and I did point out that they are both selfish and self absorbed.

Sadly i know of a few marriages that ended due to affairs and in each the ex who was left behaved like an arse for a long time.

Hopefully he comes to his senses but I wouldn’t bank in it.

@arethereanyleftatall

My post is simply because it's helpful to see and properly consider all sides of this, and all the above posts are solely in support of you.. * you did have an affair. Regardless of how miserable you are, you leave the relationship before having an affair. An affair is a fundamentally selfish thing to do. * you are still with 'the other man' * it is probably the right thing to do to tell children why you've split up. It is confusing for them otherwise. And they will no doubt find out in the end. I'm afraid I have no good ideas on how to move forward, but I do think being understanding of his hurt and owning your part in this might help (you may already do).

^^ 100% this