I haven't posted on here before, but I'm looking for some impartial advice, so...
I left my husband 2.5 yrs ago after I had an affair. At the time i split up with my ex I had also ended the affair. However shortly after I split with my husband, my new partner also ended his relationship with his wife, and we got together properly. Things are complicated but going well. I deeply regret how I treated my ex, but I should have left him years before as I had felt increasingly trapped in my marriage. What had started as an equal relationship had ended up with me feeling like a second class citizen in my own home, and I was made to feel ungrateful or greedy if I raised the financial or leisure disparities between us. To be fair to my ex, he is genuinely a really nice, generous, but traditional man who worked hard for his family, and he just couldn't understand why I was unhappy. We had been good friends but we were rubbish at working together for the kids, and I just ended up feeling resentful that my life had changed so much with kids while he just carried on as normal.
Both me and my new partner have 2 kids each. We both have joint custody of our kids with our exes. Mine are now 8 and 11 but were 6 and 8 when we split. My ex told them at the time that the reason for our break up was all down to me, because I am selfish. He also told them that I had an affair, which i don't think was a helpful thing for the kids to hear at their age. He tells them frequently that I am selfish (most recently when I said I couldn't drop off my son's computer game because I was away for the night). My son in particular has struggled and is often very angry with me, which again I understand. I try to be as honest with them as I can, but think there are some things they don't need to know.
I introduced my new partner to them a year after I split from their dad. When I told my ex they had met him, he threatened to take full custody of them if they saw him again (we have equal shared custody). He also told my kids that my partner is a thief and a liar and he doesn't want them to talk to him.
So, 2.5 years down the line. I am divorced from my ex. He bought me out of the family house and I moved into a flat round the corner. I was working part time as a nurse when we split and am now up to full time in a nursing management role but my ex still earns a good deal more than me. The kids are 1/2 the week with me, and 1/2 with him and we alternate weekends. My ex will not communicate with me at all, even to the extent that we can't have a conversation about eg kids' health issues. I organise most school/health things and just email him updates, to which he generally doesnt reply. The kids are really upset that we are so dysfunctional (as am i), and I don't know how to resolve it. I try to have minimal contact with him as it just infuriates him more. I thought things would have calmed down by now but if anything it's getting worse, and I know this level of hostility is just going to be so harmful for the kids.
To make matters worse I have since reintroduced my new partner to my kids. They really like him, but don't want me to tell their dad they have met him again as they don't want him to be angry.
In contrast, my partner has a good relationship with his ex and they are doing an amazing job of shared parenting, so I know it can be done! I have met my partner's kids and been in polite text contact with his ex wife about how to look after his girls.
Does anyone have any insights or advice on how to move forward with my ex for the sake of my kids? I would much rather never speak to him again, but clearly this is not an option...
Thanks in advance, and I am very aware that I have created this mess, so not after sympathy, just advice.