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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What Are Your Red Flags In Relationships?

83 replies

WalthamstowMum6 · 29/03/2022 17:15

What Are Your Red Flags In Relationships?

OP posts:
DukeofEarlGrey · 29/03/2022 21:34

Man child or cocklodger

torquewench · 29/03/2022 21:38

Being told by one of his parents the first time I met them that he was an idiot who wouldn't treat me properly.

The look of horror on one parent's face when they asked me if I knew what he was like the first time I met them.

His sisters in law telling me not to put up with any of his shit.

Clearly i was blinded by love(bombing) 🤦🏼‍♀️

Loveisallweneed · 29/03/2022 21:39

@Casper001

My 9/10 year old doesn't want to see their Dad. It's not my job to promote that relationship....

Any variation on the above.

@Casper001 I also had a situation in the past where kids didn’t want to see their dad who had been verbally abusive . Was it my job to to promote that in your opinion Casper ?
Whatagrapefruit156 · 29/03/2022 21:40

“How many people have you slept with?”

CrispyWhispy · 29/03/2022 21:43

"I'm best friends with my ex"
☠️

PatientlyWaiting21 · 29/03/2022 22:23

Love bombing
Controlling
Manipulation
Abuse - physical or emotional
Lack of empathy
Lack of independence

Whatamessimin · 30/03/2022 03:36

Having no real friends
Lovebombing
Cocklodger
Excessive drinking
Obessesive about sports (events get cut short so they can watch the match)
Speaking badly of their ex
Minimal contact with their children
Laziness
Doesn't pay maintainance
Still living with parents
In and out of jobs
Liking everything you like
I could go on and on and on....

Moser85 · 30/03/2022 03:49

Definitely My ex won't let me see the kids

COPPER3 · 30/03/2022 07:05

Self pity. 'Feel sorry for me' attitude.
Constantly bringing your attention back to 'him'.

PuppyPowerTool · 30/03/2022 08:15

Oh my god, if only I'd been on mn 20 years ago!!

BearFacedCheekGrylls · 30/03/2022 08:17

No friends, that’s a good one.

CecilyTheWake · 30/03/2022 08:22

@WalthamstowMum6

What Are Your Red Flags In Relationships?
Tell Us What Yours Are?
babywalker56 · 30/03/2022 08:22
  • anyone who has kids
  • rude to people in hospitality/general public
  • does too much on social media
  • ‘friends’ with any exes
  • any controlling/disrespectful traits

My list just goes on and on😂

Busygoingblah · 30/03/2022 08:31

-badmouthing exes
-trying to initiate sex chat before we’ve met
-overly complimentary before we’ve met
-not able to laugh at self
-no close or long term friends
-having no real passions/ hobbies
-being overly negative about their job or any other big parts of their life
-being rude to pub staff etc on first date
-immediately asking how long I’ve been single or about sexual history
-flakey, cancelling or changing dates at late notice regularly

Sh1vers · 30/03/2022 08:40

-Tales about his terrible childhood and how much he hates his parents.

  • When he thinks and brags about other people being stupid and him being much smarter
  • disregard for rules and belief that they just apply to others, not him
  • vindictiveness
  • secretiveness
  • jealousy
  • twisting words!!
  • greed and obsession with money
jellybe · 30/03/2022 08:42

Guys who talk about being 'friend zoned' would raise a warning flag to me. It's hard to explain why but it always seems to come from an place of entitlement- that all women should want to get with them if that makes sense and that women should feel privileged that he has taken the time to notice them.

Then all the above.

Lanareyrey · 30/03/2022 08:55

Past drug/alcohol addictions.
Present drug/alcohol problems and minimising these problems.
Binge drinking.
Drug taking and coercing into trying drugs with them.
No friends.
No real steady job.
Living with parents.
Man child.
Love bombing.
Poor hygiene.
Not paying child support.
List goes on and on!

PollyDarton1 · 30/03/2022 09:03

From recent experience;

  • Lovebombing (my ex told me he loved me after date 2 Hmm and then claimed he knew I loved him too Grin)
  • Talks shit about exes (again, ex had a story about how neglectful and controlling his ex was)
  • Talks shit about people in general (ex was still annoyed about a teacher than reprimanded him when he was EIGHT and called her a "bitch" )
  • Blows hot and cold - puts you on a pedalstool but actions don't match the words
  • Talks about themselves incessantly (I remember sitting in his car for 3 hours listening to him talk about himself and I thought wtf)
  • Rushing to introduce kids/family
  • Talking of future plans super early on
  • Playing the victim
  • Paying for everything as they have "no money"
  • Makes little criticisms of you dressed up as jokes

Some general ones;

  • rude to hospitality staff/public
  • doesn't see/pay for kids
  • claims ex is a psycho
  • you have to pay for everything

I saw the red flags in my ex (who I was with for 7 years and had a DS with) but I was young and naive.

Crikeyalmighty · 30/03/2022 09:45

Excessive porn use
A lack of openness
Meanness
White knight syndrome
Argumentative in an aggressive way
Hard right wing views/hard left wing views
No friends or at least no close acquaintances
Sex obsessed
Overly interested in what you own/ earnings etc

Graphista · 30/03/2022 10:54

For starters I am happily single and I just want to say to all on thread if you didn't already know that being single is a perfectly valid choice and certainly better than being in a bad relationship! I really think we need to be supporting women and girls to know that being single can be a great choice

That said

I have ocd so hygiene is a big one for me can't stand scruffy. Grubby people

Having no real friends

Omg my exh! He'd be pally with colleagues (army) but when we moved he didn't stay in touch with people and they didn't with him it was v superficial

having no real passions/ hobbies

Also exh except for rugby. He only joined army as his dad was army and he basically cba to even think to try anything else

Inverse snobbery/snobbery/inferiority complex -

Ex had left school at 16 having scraped through GCSEs just to get enough to join army, hated school but not stupid he had a brain he just didn't like using it!

I'd also left at 16 but went to eve classes to do A levels and when we met I had just applied for uni.

But his family were also more middle class (his dad an officer mine not) compared to my own very working class family and were better off

So he had issues with me being "brainier" than him which especially came up when we argued as he complained about me being able to think quicker than him and use "stupid big words there's no need for"

But he also looked down on me and my family for being working class/poor:

My hard no's are

Heavy drinking
Drug taking AT ALL
Addictive behaviour aside from substances too

Money - I hate stinginess but I also think being a spendthrift is also something I would avoid. Generosity of spirit is important, but also being savvy money wise is very appealing. Basically I wanna date Martin Lewis! Grin

One person I dated (briefly!) paid every restaurant bill to the penny, left a tip but EXACTLY 10 % every time and only if the service was amazing. They hated using their card and did almost everything by cash.

Also agree with all those saying not treating people serving you well. Anyone who treats people who are "lower" than they consider themselves to be is not worth your time. One date with a guy who actually clicked his fingers at the waitress - nope! I refused his offer of a lift and apologised to the waitress appalling behaviour! Bit of a tricky one as he was a friend of a friend and I was asked by friend why I wasn't up for a 2nd date but I was honest with friend who was also appalled (they knew each other through a hobby hadn't been for a meal together)

One I haven't seen mentioned but I think is increasingly an issue in our insta society - people who are more concerned with appearances than the substance of their lives/relationships

KirstenBlest · 30/03/2022 12:04

Slagging off ex-girlfriends and family members, especially female ones

Sunnytwobridges · 30/03/2022 13:02

Ohhhhh I have so many lol

-Someone who doesn't own up to their part of a relationship breakdown, it's all their ex's fault

-Jumps from one relationship to the next without taking time to "heal" in between

-Is too social/has too many hobbies & interests. And has no hobbies interests/friends

-Only spends times with his kids, doesn't have a life outside of them, introduces children too early

-Regularly has road rage

-Constantly interrupts me when I'm talking and shows a lack of interest in what I'm saying

-Lack of empathy/sympathy

-Too stingy/generous with money

-OCD with cleanliness and other aspects of their life where it interferes with everything

-Habitually late, doesn't respect others time

-Bad Hygiene

-Talks about sexual stuff too early/too much

Sunnytwobridges · 30/03/2022 13:03

oops posted too soon and lastly

-Rudeness, racist, lazy at work, far leftist/right views, talks about politics constantly, hates government/military/police, overly stubborn, always has to "right"/"win" an argument/debate, doesn't like animals

ugifletzet · 30/03/2022 13:37

Looking back at the abusive relationship that left me needing hospital treatment for PTSD, there were two red flags that I saw very early on and shouldn't have ignored.

  1. All his relationships had ended abruptly and with him declaring the ex to be a vicious monster.
  2. He was never in the wrong about anything, ever, and the word 'sorry' wasn't in his vocabulary.
woahwait · 30/03/2022 13:37

Referring to women as 'girls'.
Making negative comments about random women's dress/hair/size/make-up.
Racist comments.