When your partner won't accept it's over. What do I do?

[MyDogLucy]

I'm mid 30s, been together since late teens. 2 secondary school aged kids.

I have been unhappy for a long time now, and several times over the past year I’ve told my husband I’m no longer happy and want to split. But somehow every time, he’s talked me round. He pretty much begs me to reconsider, promises change, talks about all the things we’ll do and how things will be ‘so much better soon’ but they never are. I’ve just had enough now, it’s really affecting me mentally, so many friends tell me they miss the old me and I always seem unhappy. I know I shouldn’t keep backing down but he makes it so difficult, and we’ve been together so long I do still care about him as a person, I hate hurting anyone’s feelings.

I’ve reached a point now where I just absolutely cannot do it any more. I told him last week that we can’t be fixed, we have tried for so long and if our relationship was fixable then it would have been fixed by now. I told him I want him to leave but I’ve said he can have a few weeks to get things sorted, I’d feel mean making him up and leave straight away. He just doesn’t accept my reasons though. He says that just the fact I’m unhappy isn’t enough of a reason and he wants more specific reasons. Of course deep down there are more specific reasons but the sad fact is I’ve reached a point where I’m THAT unhappy, I don’t even care about the specific reasons any more. I have no desire to discuss them, there’s no way of fixing them so I see no point. If I even attempt to give a reason he starts trying to talk me out of it or explaining how I’m wrong. For example if I say ‘there’s been times when we’ve disagreed and you’ve ended up screaming at me and insulting me in front of the kids and throwing things’ – he says ‘but that was just anger. I know I was wrong but stuff like that is 1% of the time, we’re good 99% of the time’. Or when I say how I can’t get over that I caught him talking to someone else and I don’t feel I can trust him, again I just get ‘but I’ve already told you the reasons, I was depressed and had no confidence, I would never have physically cheated, I was an idiot’. You get the idea. It’s all just words at this point, nothing changes.

So after I said that last week, he said he’ll do anything to fix us and he’ll move out and stay at his parents if that’s what I want. Without being too outing, we have some things we need to get done in the next week or 2 before he can go. I felt really bloody sad but also relief. Since then though, the last few days he’s started creeping round me again. Constantly coming up to me trying to touch my arm, put his arm round me, says he’s sad and wants a cuddle etc. I can see where it’s going, he’s going to start acting like everything is fine and pretend I’ve not mentioned him moving out. I just can’t take it any more, I’m a complete wreck mentally. This must be affecting my kids too. I just want us all to be happy but I don’t think that will happen while we’re together. How do I get him to accept it? Please be kind, I’m so stressed out. It’s so hard because I’m such a people pleaser, I’ve always been this way. I know I need to get tough.

I don't really have any advice but I'm in a very similar situation. Similar age with 1 young DS, been together since teens. I feel as though I've changed a lot since becoming a mother and I don't feel the same way about him anymore, although I do still care about him. I sort of just feel like I've outgrown the relationship and the thought of plodding on like this for years makes me feel so stuck. He's the same as your husband and wants specific reasons and can't accept it. To him this has come out of the blue but if I'm being honest they're thoughts/doubts I've had for years but have always pushed aside.
It's so difficult isn't it. I sometimes think the only way is to gather all your strength and just do it and make sure you stick to it no matter your fears and doubts. We've also done the ending it and then backing down/things go back to normal thing. Sending you support!

You both are going round in circles with him asking for reasons why you are unhappy in order to dismiss them, make empty promises of change or excuse past deeds that have eroded your love and trust in him.

So stop finding things that he did as your reasoning as he will just explain them all away. What about "I've stopped loving you and no longer want to be married to you" - and just keep that on repeat?

That worked with a persistent ex of mine. That and just moving out myself because he never would.

Can you leave the marital home?

You need to be consistent in your message 'the marriage is over'. Te him no guilt divorce starts soon and you will be applying for one when it does.

Stick to it and do it.

It's fine for you to say it's over, you don't even need a tangible reason.

But, where I'm a little confused is - whose house is it? As an adult, I would hate to move back in with my parents. If it's both of your house, you both should get the equity from it to start afresh.

Is you moving out an option? I'm not sure how you'd make him go, but equally he can't make you stay.

You move on with your life - instigate the divorce, the financial split etc. See a solicitor, or start the paperwork yourself.

He doesn't have to give you an easy ride with this, if you want it to happen and he doesn't then its going to be up to you to make it happen.

You don't need someone's permission to end a relationship.

You don't need to meet any particular criteria to end a relationship.

Not wanting to be in the relationship anymore is reason enough.

As a PP said, "I don't love you anymore" is all it boils down to. Imagine this was the beginning of a relationship - would you feel obliged to be with someone just because they wanted to be with you? If not, why should you be obliged to be stuck in an unhappy relationship now?

It's horrible what he's doing. From the outside I can see that effectively what he is saying is, "Your boundaries don't matter to me. Your feelings don't matter to me. I control the narrative. I control the relationship. I control you." He's implying that you don't know your own mind, and nothing you say could or should be taken seriously.

I'm sorry you're stuck in this situation, it must be so draining.

You've answered your own question. You do need to get tough. He doesn't get to dictate whether you stay married to him. Tell him the conversation is over, get a solicitor, and move forward.

But, where I'm a little confused is - whose house is it? As an adult, I would hate to move back in with my parents. If it's both of your house, you both should get the equity from it to start afresh

What makes you think they're bought a house? Always bemused me when people come out with that stuff.

OP tell him you don't care about the reasons anymore and if he carries on trying to force you to stay with him you'll end up hating his guts. Actual unbridled hate.

Start the divorce, that should get the message through. You dont need to explain yourself to him.

I think as a people pleaser you will always want everyone to be 100% happy all of the time…..That is not possible in this situation. He won’t be happy and so you need to lower your expectations on that front.

What you do need to do is send a clear message to him.

“Please don’t touch me” when he tries. (If you agree to giving him hugs etc, you are sending confusing messages.

When he asks for reasons just say

“I just don’t love you anymore, those feelings will never come back and I don’t want to be married to you or live with you any longer.”

You have to be tough in these situations and accept that he will be upset and the kids might not be totally happy either.

However, you will be happy once it’s resolved and that’s what matters.

Once again though, don’t give him conflicting messages, don’t engage with him when he asks questions as to why and don’t relent on your stance.

He says that just the fact I’m unhappy isn’t enough of a reason and he wants more specific reasons

You literally don't need any reason at all. The fact that he says this, alongside screaming at you in front of your children suggests he is a bully. It's not a negotiation. If one person wants to leave, that's it.

Have you made practical arrangements? Where will you live etc?

Urgh that is so creepy. But you ARE allowing it.

Ban him from the house/property and start legal proceedings. It's the only way.

Whose house is it? Are you married?

Start taking steps. See a solicitor, file for divorce and if he won't move out then you move out. In the mean time, make sure you on cook and clean for yourself and not for him and make sure you do not share a room or a bed.

If he won't go then you either need to go to court or move out yourself.

When he touches you, say don't touch me, get off me etc

When he asks you why, you say I don't love you

Start the divorce proceedings

Stop letting him stomp all over your boundaries. He doesn’t get to touch you, remind him he’s moving out and offer to help him pack. Frequently remind him he’s leaving and you’ve broken up with him, so he does get to touch you now.

Why don't you leave?

No one is pointing out that your partner is clearly very manipulative and abusive. Talk to woman’s aid or your local woman’s aid, as you will need so good advise and they are brilliant. Best of luck

You have to be very very firm and keep saying the relationship is over.

If he says he's sad and wants a cuddle. "The relationship is over and I don't want you to get the wrong idea".

If he questions you "I've given you my reasons. You need to accept them. The relationship is over".

It is very very hard. But if you don't find the strength to stay firm and push through this hard part then the relationship won't end.

I had to end a relationship with an emotionally manipulative ex that would threaten suicide so I know how difficult it is and the sense of obligation you feel, it was hell but the only way out is to stick to what you said!

The thing to get your head around is being able to acknowledge his bad/anxious feelings AND say they don't change your feelings.

So when he says he was an idiot and lacking confidence at the time, you can say "I understand that you feel very bad about the choices you made but your remorse doesn't make me trust you again."

When he says he feels sad and can he have a cuddle, you say "I understand you're feeling sad, so do I, but given we're separating I think it's best we seek comfort from other people."

When he dismisses your feelings about how much is "wrong" with the relationship, you can say, "I know you feel that there's enough good in the relationship to make up for the bad, but I feel differently about it."

The last resort is, "I'm sorry if you can't understand how or why I feel the way I do, but I've explained it as much as I can. It might help to talk with a therapist about your frustration."

You just have to remember that you don't need him to like what you're saying and in fact it's very unlikely that he will.

He doesn't need to agree with you.

He doesn't need to understand you.

You don't need to worry about how he feels.

You don't need to get his agreement.

Simply say ''I'm not happy. The relationship is over, and I want you to move out today.''

If he tries to touch you (in any way), say ''No, I don't want you to touch me.''

If he says he's sad, simply say ''I know. It's a sad time, but it's no longer my 'job' to make you feel 'better'.''

If he says ''What's the reason for breaking up the family ?'' simply say ''I'm unhappy, and I've been unhappy for a long time, and that's enough.''

Repeat, repeat, repeat. (And don't give him weeks to sort out accommodation either, it's better for YOU if he leaves asap !)

Im in the same position OP.
I have a 4 and 7 year old, he knows i want him to leave but pretends nothings been said and carries on as normal.
He walks away when i bring it up.

My feeling keep resurfacing but he tells me im mental and have probably got bi polar.
I go weeks covering up with a mental plaster,cthen weeks when it all resurfaces again, pent up anxiety about bringing it up AGAIN because he doesnt like to hear it and walks out saying "why are you shouting" (i do not shout, hes just getting out of the situation).

Amongst his threats are....
"Ill take the boys (right up in my face) and ill fucking get them too".
" youve got bi polar babe, your fucking mental".
"Starts crying saying I cant handle this im going to give up" etc...
Not a horrible person at all apart from this i just do not want to be with him, am not attracted to him, i havent chosen to feel like this, iv just turned 40 and dont particularly want to be alone but the thought of living like this makes me feel sick.
We dont sleep together, i dont cook for him, washing etc.
He doesnt care hes happy so he has no reason to care, he doesnt contribute 50/50 either.

It goes on and on but wanted to say your not alone.
I cant handle this for much longer , i am trapped as he makes me feel guilty and the rent is so high for 1 bed flats. I hate upsetting anyone. I give up i have no strength.

@Leoni2020 he is absolutely vile. Please get any last energy reserves you have to leave him. You and your boys deserve better. Do you want them to see him speak to you like that?

I know, its coming, the guilt has turned into hatred so im trying pluck up the courage to do it one last time.
Can somebody please explain to me though why he has such a hold over me and why does he make me feel guilty, so guilty that i end up letting him act like everythings normal again.

Also how can a person stay where they're not wanted, wheres the pride and dignity?
I do not understand.
I get hes upset but he reacts so deeply emotionally intense and i dont like it i dont want a man who "needs me" i want someone who wants me, he seems heavily reliant on me, as if if he hasnt got me he has nothing to live for, i cant bear it.

We were friends before, then just sort of happened ( no i never fancied him but he was a lovely person) and went from there. My self esteem has always been low i guess thats why i settled.

Im shocked at how hard this is to actually move on from this man.
Iv told him all hes losing is the roof over his head, not me as we're not even together and most certainly not our boys, he can see them whenever he wanted to but i just want him out of MY life, thats all im asking but it seems im the devil.

Im shocked at how worried and anxious i get before i have to say it all over again. How can he live here in this horrible atmosphere knowing i dont want him.
I fake happiness in front of my boys and they have never witnessed even an argument between us, hes usually lovely and an amazing dad but clearly is nasty when he hears something he doesnt want to hear.
I know my only option, its to throw him out but i feel bad isnt that not cruel?
Has anyone overcome their guilt?

*example if I say ‘there’s been times when we’ve disagreed and you’ve ended up screaming at me and insulting me in front of the kids and throwing things’ – he says ‘but that was just anger. I know I was wrong but stuff like that is 1% of the time, we’re good 99% of the time’

I get hes upset but he reacts so deeply emotionally intense and i dont like it i dont want a man who "needs me" i want someone who wants me, he seems heavily reliant on me, as if if he hasnt got me he has nothing to live for, i cant bear it

Unfortunately, some unpleasant, neurotic people do 'need' the other person. What they want isn't you though. They don't really love or value you as a person. Instead, what they want is a certain portion of your personality that provides them with some sort of labour.

If he doesn't have anything to live for, what has he been doing for the past decade to address that? It's sad, but it shouldn't be responsibility. He's not a baby.

'just anger' - he's minimising his behaviour. He knows what he wants and he will say whatever to ensure you don't leave, including playing on any doubts he must know you have. I do understand his point about 1%, but the trouble is, there are certain behaviours you can't and shouldn't ignore, even if they happen infrequently.

I would stop arguing with him over it. Don't engage. He has his opinion. You have yours. You are not going to get a consensus over this. Don't argue his points down - it will exhaust you and make him think he has a foot through the door to change your mind. Accept what he says, acknowledge that that's unfortunate that he feels that way, but don't take the bait if he asks you 'but don't you care?' or 'surely you want to make this work?' or 'this is what you wanted all along, isn't it?'