I'm mid 30s, been together since late teens. 2 secondary school aged kids.
I have been unhappy for a long time now, and several times over the past year I’ve told my husband I’m no longer happy and want to split. But somehow every time, he’s talked me round. He pretty much begs me to reconsider, promises change, talks about all the things we’ll do and how things will be ‘so much better soon’ but they never are. I’ve just had enough now, it’s really affecting me mentally, so many friends tell me they miss the old me and I always seem unhappy. I know I shouldn’t keep backing down but he makes it so difficult, and we’ve been together so long I do still care about him as a person, I hate hurting anyone’s feelings.
I’ve reached a point now where I just absolutely cannot do it any more. I told him last week that we can’t be fixed, we have tried for so long and if our relationship was fixable then it would have been fixed by now. I told him I want him to leave but I’ve said he can have a few weeks to get things sorted, I’d feel mean making him up and leave straight away. He just doesn’t accept my reasons though. He says that just the fact I’m unhappy isn’t enough of a reason and he wants more specific reasons. Of course deep down there are more specific reasons but the sad fact is I’ve reached a point where I’m THAT unhappy, I don’t even care about the specific reasons any more. I have no desire to discuss them, there’s no way of fixing them so I see no point. If I even attempt to give a reason he starts trying to talk me out of it or explaining how I’m wrong. For example if I say ‘there’s been times when we’ve disagreed and you’ve ended up screaming at me and insulting me in front of the kids and throwing things’ – he says ‘but that was just anger. I know I was wrong but stuff like that is 1% of the time, we’re good 99% of the time’. Or when I say how I can’t get over that I caught him talking to someone else and I don’t feel I can trust him, again I just get ‘but I’ve already told you the reasons, I was depressed and had no confidence, I would never have physically cheated, I was an idiot’. You get the idea. It’s all just words at this point, nothing changes.
So after I said that last week, he said he’ll do anything to fix us and he’ll move out and stay at his parents if that’s what I want. Without being too outing, we have some things we need to get done in the next week or 2 before he can go. I felt really bloody sad but also relief. Since then though, the last few days he’s started creeping round me again. Constantly coming up to me trying to touch my arm, put his arm round me, says he’s sad and wants a cuddle etc. I can see where it’s going, he’s going to start acting like everything is fine and pretend I’ve not mentioned him moving out. I just can’t take it any more, I’m a complete wreck mentally. This must be affecting my kids too. I just want us all to be happy but I don’t think that will happen while we’re together. How do I get him to accept it? Please be kind, I’m so stressed out. It’s so hard because I’m such a people pleaser, I’ve always been this way. I know I need to get tough.