Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

DH still punting using escort and prostitute site

35 replies

Wmndstrght · 29/03/2022 11:32

Know some will slate me for this but I took DH back after he admitted to seeing prostitutes. Part reason being, the times he saw them was the time I was going through peri menopause. My libido vanished during that time but he never blamed it on that. He never said a word about it but I felt partly to blame I s'pose. Before that we'd been liberal with our sex life together.
Anyway, things got back on track. He said he is happy and never uses escort websites.
Fast forward and I'm 99 percent sure I know his username for the escort site he was using and so can see when he's been logged on, which is recently and all times I'm not with him. I think he might be addicted. I've read that they say, once a punter always a punter.
I'm not being mugged off twice.
Should I risk being wrong and just finish it with him without giving him the reason why? If I give him the reason he'll just deny it's his username.

OP posts:

RewildingAmbridge · 29/03/2022 11:40

He believes consent can be bought, you've been made to feel this is your fault for not having sex with him! He's a man not a dog, he can control himself if he wants to, he doesn't because he doesn't respect women and that includes you

WTF475878237NC · 29/03/2022 11:42

You don't need to give a reason. You can just say the relationship doesn't work for me anymore.

ThePlantsitter · 29/03/2022 11:46

Honestly I don't think I can give you specific advice on what you should do since I would not have accepted ANY of that from my H. Not just because it's cheating (it is) but because 'punting' - i.e. renting another human being's body - reinforces women's bodies as commodities.

However although I can't give you specific advice I can say it doesn't matter if you're right or wrong in your suspicion. If you want to leave, you can.

CanIHaveASnaaaaak · 29/03/2022 11:52

Can you see his account activity? If he is logging on does that mean he’s booking an escort, web chatting, just looking?

If he’s gone off again and is seeing these women then you need to get out. If he’s “window shopping” does that change how you feel?

GeidiPrimes · 29/03/2022 12:02

That's the hardest thing about addiction - a person doesn't stop the addictive behaviour until they've done a fair amount of soul-searching and come to the decision themselves. It fails if they're stopping said behaviour cos somebody has told them to. Addicts can't help but lie and it becomes as natural as breathing to them.

Also, men who visit prostituted women tend not to like women much. I'd cut ya losses, why put up with this shit.

RantyAunty · 29/03/2022 12:02

You know in your gut what he is doing.

You gave him a chance he probably didn't deserve.

Original poster

Wmndstrght · 29/03/2022 12:03

Can't see his account activity. Can see when he last logged on and the reviews of him.
I think he duped me into believing I was partly to blame.
He is such a good liar.

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 29/03/2022 12:03

You should have ditched him the first time completely grim buying women.

SoupDragon · 29/03/2022 12:04

At the end of the day, you don't trust him. It doesn't matter whether it is his user name or not really.

Original poster

Wmndstrght · 29/03/2022 12:05

@GeidiPrimes

Also, men who visit prostituted women tend not to like women much. I'd cut ya losses, why put up with this shit.

Your right.

I told him he can't have much respect for women and his reply was 'thats not strictly true'.

He respects his mother, I guess is the answer that proves his point.

Mummy's boy.

OP posts:

shssandhr · 29/03/2022 12:07

I had this with my ex and he swore blind he wouldn't do it again. And he did. Again and Again.

It's irrelevant whether he's actually used the services or just "window-shopped", the very fact that you don't trust him and are logging in to his account to check shows that the trust has gone and the relationship is over.

And you are not to blame for this. At all.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 29/03/2022 12:09

Regardless of what he is or isn’t doing you no longer trust him. Are you happy in a relationship with a man who a) pay for women b) cheats on you c) you don’t trust? I wouldn’t be but this is obviously your decision.

Original poster

Wmndstrght · 29/03/2022 12:09

Just to be clear, I can't log into his account as I dont know his password.

But yeah seems unanimous on here whether username is him or not is irrelevant.

OP posts:

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 29/03/2022 12:11

The prostitutes have written reviews of your husband? Yikes that alone I could never overcome. Let alone what he has been up to. And loving partners support each other when going through difficult experiences or health issues, none of this is on you.

Tuala · 29/03/2022 12:15

What do the prostitute's reviews say? I mean just anyway, things like whether they are abusive ? I'm just interested

VeryMuchFlaggingMinty · 29/03/2022 12:16

I told him he can't have much respect for women and his reply was 'thats not strictly true'.

I think the fact he actually said that horrifies me almost more than what he's been doing.

I'd be tented to pack his bags, change the locks and post his bloody reviews on FB tbh.

Tuala · 29/03/2022 12:16

Completely unacceptable the first time. Gross.

coconuthead · 29/03/2022 12:16

Your husband hates women and that includes you

Tuala · 29/03/2022 12:16

I'd be tented to pack his bags, change the locks and post his bloody reviews on FB tbh.

tiddlywinks2 · 29/03/2022 12:17

Your husband has reviews written about him by prostitutes?

@Wmndstrght I can't imagine how you're feeling right now, if it were me I wouldn't have forgiven him the first time, but I would say something to him, you know he's still doing it, him denying it would be lying to your face.

Sending you lots of love, it must be so difficult

tiddlywinks2 · 29/03/2022 12:19

@Tuala

I'd be tented to pack his bags, change the locks and post his bloody reviews on FB tbh.

Brilliant! Definitely do that, nice picture up on a local page with a rating!

arethereanyleftatall · 29/03/2022 12:26

Wow. I'm beyond flabbergasted that you didn't walk away from someone who you know abuses women the first time.

layladomino · 29/03/2022 12:33

You said he's a good liar. That sentence is enough for me to say you need to leave him.

Things you do know -
He cheated.
He used prostitutes.
He led you to think you were partly to blame.
He lied.
You still don't trust him.

You know enough to leave him now without having to prove if he's up to no good again.

And by the way, stop blaming yourself. There is NO acceptable reason for cheating. I know it can be hard being peri / menopausal, but you can't really believe that means he had reason to cheat? Surely not?

Squeezyhug · 29/03/2022 12:33

OP you don’t need to justify leaving him.
You don’t need to give a reason other than you don’t feel happy with him anymore.

No need to look for evidence or explain yourself.
You don’t trust him so just leave.

All you need to say “this isn’t working for me , I’m out.”

Original poster

Wmndstrght · 29/03/2022 12:54

@Tuala

What do the prostitute's reviews say? I mean just anyway, things like whether they are abusive ? I'm just interested

The reviews are pretty generic. 'Nice gentleman' type stuff. They don't go into specific graphic detail. I think other escorts must rely on these reviews to check if a would-be customer is going to be safe. But now and again there are snippets thrown in from some of the less discreet escorts, e.g. first name of the punter.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2