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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional abuse

46 replies

Headmashed12 · 28/03/2022 23:51

Hi never posted before but need some help I have 4 children and been with my husband 16 years, just recently I have kicked my hubby out as something clicked and I feel like I have been abused, I'm also feeling very guilty and wondering if I've done the right thing can someone shed some light on my situation please so here goes. I feel like I'm always on eggshells as I never know what mood he will be in if I don't jump to his Beckham call I am called every name under the sun, he swears at me constantly for no reason if he wants me to do something for him and don't do it there n then he calls me a cunt, if I want to go out with friends he says he will leave me as I shouldn't need to go out as I'm married all off my friends are married their husbands don't have a problem, he is the bread winner he always says he is working for us yet when I ask him for money he hits the roof my poor children have hugged me and told me they feel sorry for me coz of how he talks to me, this has Been going on years but it has only been this last week I have realised this is not normal when I see his number come up on my phone my heart jumps as I never know what mood he is
going to be in anything i do is not good enough for him I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Headmashed12 · 28/03/2022 23:56

Also he used to hit me years ago but he hasn't done that for about 8 years but when he gets angry he looks like he is going to and my heart starts racing, I just feel scared and on eggshells all the time I won't let my kids have sleep overs as its embarrassing if he starts kicking off.when the children get in from school they ask me if dads in a bad mood it's the first thing they ask so I feel like they are also walking on eggshells when he calls them to go to him they run so fast its like they are scared aswell I don't know weather to stay finished or try again as I feel so bad that our family is torn apart. But the last week an a half of him not being here I've never felt so relaxed

OP posts:
WhereHaveAllTheTwigletsGone · 28/03/2022 23:57

That definitely does sound like abuse. You’ve done the right thing. Stay strong!

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 28/03/2022 23:57

This is absolutely abuse and you have done the right thing. It's not easy but you have been so brave to recognise this and take steps to end it for yourself and to end your children being exposed to it.
You deserve better and you should be so proud of yourself. You are an amazing woman.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 28/03/2022 23:59

Don't try again - he will never change. He may promise the world when he realises you really mean it, but don't be fooled. He will just continue, and likely worse if he gets back in. Have you contacted any support agencies? Real life support is invaluable. ThanksThanks
As is MN support ime. Keep posting and stay strong

LightSpeeds · 29/03/2022 00:03

You've done the RIGHT thing asking your husband to leave. I was terrified of my father growing up and it has affected my whole adult life.

Now you've got rid of him, don't let him back. He sounds horrible.

Original poster
Headmashed12 · 29/03/2022 00:10

He just does stupid stuff like if we are watching a film if I start falling asleep he will say fuck sake falling a sleep you fucking cunt I was so used to it that it felt normal then as I say something clicked and I thought this is not okay then other days he is so so nice and loving people on the outside think he is the best man thay walked the earth.he never likes any of my friends either so I feel on edge when they come round and he is in.
I also have started to notice how over the top nice I am to him infront of people as I'm worried he will start in front of them

OP posts:
Original poster
Headmashed12 · 29/03/2022 00:12

Also I know this sound so stupid but is it normal.al to go out even once every year with mates weather that be pub club dinner what ever as when I've tried like I said earlier he says if ypu have one drink of alcohol I will leave when you get back he doesn't like alcohol and says he trusts noone if they have been drinking which is why he won't let me.
He also doesn't even talk to the kids its like they don't exist I said to him the other day will you ever change and he said I am who I am if you don't like it then fuck off 😭

OP posts:
Babadook76 · 29/03/2022 00:25

It’s extremely sad that you’ve been in an abusive relationship for so long without realising. It’s absolutely horrifying that your children have been subjected to this and are 100% aware they’re growing up with a violent father and a mother who won’t protect them. The sooner you leave the more chance there is that their mental health won’t be completely destroyed by their childhood. You know what you need to do

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 29/03/2022 06:44

It's not normal, no. None of it is.
You say you've kicked him out - do you own or rent? What is his status - is he joint owner, named on rental agreement? You may need to look into getting a non molestation order or occupation order to keep him from coming back. I would strongly suggest contacting womens aid for advice and practical support. You have done the right thing to protect you and your children, now you need to make sure it stays that way. You can do it. Thanks

FTMammy · 29/03/2022 06:58

This is definitely abusive behaviour from him. You and your children deserve to live freely without being in fear.
As hard as it might seem you are better off without him. Stay strong

2Gen · 29/03/2022 14:04

He is definitely abusing you OP, sorry. Please don't take him back, he will take it as permission to carry on treating you like dirt and maybe even get worse, punishing you for daring to finish with him.
I'm even more concerned for your DC who sound like they are scared of him. It is damaging to them to see their mother whom they love being treated so badly anyway but he treats them appallingly too. It sounds as if he's no loss to them whatsoever and that they are probably really relieved he's not around anymore. If your daughter had a man like this when she was grown up, you'd be in bits with worry, wouldn't you and want her to dump him? Please, please stay strong for their sakes as well as your own. Get some legal advice and contact Women's Aid.
Well done for getting him out and I'm so sorry you've been put through this, you sound like a lovely person and you and your DC deserve so much better than this vile man. All the best.

Daisychains11 · 29/03/2022 14:13

Emotional abuse is something I have experienced. It's like you always feel on egg shells and then a sense of relief when they are happy. A sinking sad feeling in your heart and your minds unable to switch off. You feel tense. You hide bits from friends when it sounds bad. You overthink and question whether saying something is worth the risk of unsettling them, so you carry around anxiety and go over things over and over again.

I have lost nights of sleep because he went to bed angry at me. I didn't know if we'd sort it and my heart was broken.
I've spied on his Facebook because I know how easily he talks to other women.
I have cried because I want to express how I feel but his problems always win.

Little comments that make you question if its you or him.

You should have shorts on when it's hot.
You'd suit your hair tied up.
You need more confidence.
I'm going to buy you new clothes.
Why do you wear long dresses when the weather's nice you should have legs out.

Falling out with me because I asked why he's messaging his ex. Or he's liking photos of that random woman. Then 3 hours later he asks to borrow money for fags.

I was taught that I wasn't allowed to send messages that were heavy or asking questions. So I'd ring and try talk on the phone and he'd get mad before I had said one sentence. So I'd try speak face to face and depending on his mood he'd talk. Call my concerns pathetic. Or tell me to get out his house.

Emotional abuse is horrible. I hope you can be free. X

RoundGlass · 29/03/2022 14:39

Please don't go back to this man. Show your kids you are strong and won't take them back into this horribly abusive environment.

I know it's hard, he is everything you have known for many years, but he is abusive and controlling. Don't put yourself or your children back into that.

It's not normal - by a very long way.

Bananalanacake · 29/03/2022 14:46

Well done on getting him out, men like him are difficult to get rid of, Never let him back.

thisisscary · 29/03/2022 16:32

Well done my love you have been so brave and strong ending things. I'm a few weeks ahead of you, I know how hard it is.

Do not take him back.
It's him not you.
None of this is your fault.

Are you being supported in real life? Womens aid are fantastic and will help you every step of the way.
Good luck and keep posting on here as much as you need to.

RoyKentsChestHair · 29/03/2022 16:44

Please call Womens Aid and cover your tracks. Nasty abusers like him often ramp it up when they sense that they’re losing control of you. You will need some real life support as well as the wisdom of the (sadly) many mumsnetters who have been there and done that.

The relief you feel at the moment is a sign that this is the right thing. At some point you may have a wobble and start to think that you’ve done the wrong thing, so keep this thread and reread it whenever you doubt yourself. You’ve 100% done the right thing. Flowers. You and your DCs deserve better. Nobody should be subjected to this sort of abuse.

Original poster
Headmashed12 · 29/03/2022 17:00

Hi girls sorry for late reply I want to get a divorce asap he said he won't sign 😔 and see what happens with us in a few months I said my mind is made up and I'm keeping strong I don't want you back not now not ever he said you think I'm bad? I said yes he said you ha entirely seen bad I'm a nice man maybe the next man will be worse I said if you call me a again I will contact the police then he started with the bs we should be together for the kids blah blah I said im doing this to give the kiss a better life. I do have support if I want it but I haven't told noone as I can't be arsed with all the questions etc and people telling me how nice he is so I will tell everyone once I'm even stronger then how I feel now x

OP posts:
thisisscary · 29/03/2022 17:15

You’re doing the right thing not taking him back. I would massively recommend you to contact womens aid though. There’s even a chat thing on their website which is really handy. They won’t tell you how great he is, they will support you to build that better life for you and your kids.

northerncrumpet · 29/03/2022 17:22

You don't need to worry about him not signing the divorce papers, the week after next "no fault divorce" starts and you can divorce him whether he agrees or not.

I've just left an abusive relationship much less traumatic than yours, so very well done for finding your strength, you are doing the right thing - it isn't easy and there will be times that you will wonder if you should go back, or if it was really that bad...but when that happens re-read what you have written here and it will help you keep going.

Watchkeys · 29/03/2022 17:24

I'm always on eggshells

Forget the details. Get away and stay away from anybody who makes you feel like this, as quickly as you can.

It doesn't matter who's wrong, who's right, what's abuse, what isn't. Just get away from the eggshell feeling.

Original poster
Headmashed12 · 29/03/2022 17:25

Really I never knew the law was changing so I can divorce him and he dont have to sign nothing?

OP posts:
northerncrumpet · 29/03/2022 17:32

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/family-law-solicitors/divorce/no-fault-divorce-uk-law-change/

section 5 says that he won't be able to contest it at all Smile

Avonacha · 29/03/2022 17:33

Well done OP, you've done an amazing thing for yourself and your kids. He will try every trick in the book now to try and get you to let him come back home- stay strong and stand your ground. Your kids deserve better and so do you. Lots of positive vibes your way xxx

MyDogLucy · 29/03/2022 17:35

But the last week an a half of him not being here I've never felt so relaxed

Yes you have 100% done the right thing. Read your last sentence as many times as you need to help you see that. It sounds like you just finally reached your limit. Well done for taking that massive, scary step. You and your children are going to be SO much happier now you can relax in your own home without having to worry about being spoken to like shit Flowers

Original poster
Headmashed12 · 29/03/2022 21:53

Thankyou girls wish I didn't feel so guilty I know I shouldn't but I just keep feeling so bad 😞

OP posts: