Emotional abuse

[Headmashed12]

Hi never posted before but need some help I have 4 children and been with my husband 16 years, just recently I have kicked my hubby out as something clicked and I feel like I have been abused, I'm also feeling very guilty and wondering if I've done the right thing can someone shed some light on my situation please so here goes. I feel like I'm always on eggshells as I never know what mood he will be in if I don't jump to his Beckham call I am called every name under the sun, he swears at me constantly for no reason if he wants me to do something for him and don't do it there n then he calls me a cunt, if I want to go out with friends he says he will leave me as I shouldn't need to go out as I'm married all off my friends are married their husbands don't have a problem, he is the bread winner he always says he is working for us yet when I ask him for money he hits the roof my poor children have hugged me and told me they feel sorry for me coz of how he talks to me, this has Been going on years but it has only been this last week I have realised this is not normal when I see his number come up on my phone my heart jumps as I never know what mood he is
going to be in anything i do is not good enough for him I don't know what to do

You’ve been abused. Very very abused. He used to hit you? No taking him back. Get rid. Good for you

He has brainwashed you into feeling responsible that’s why you are feeling guilty.
This is not your fault. He is responsible for his own abusive behaviour.

I found it took about 3 years and lots of interventions before I stopped feeling guilty. I was never tempted to go back but still felt guilty - like you I knew it was the right thing but I think it's female socialisation and the training that the abusive partner delivers over the years working together that keeps the guilt going.

I found the freedom programme massively helpful - probably the most helpful of all the things I have done. Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that is also very worth a read.

Having said that - 5 years down the line I felt the need to apologise this week, for his behaviour when he shouted at my barrister after court to the point where she had to leave the building 🙄 - even though I knew it was not in any way my fault.

Hi girls I've been doing so well untill an hour ago I didn't answer his call so he came smashing on the door when I answered he stomped in and went to see the kids then he called me a fucking bitch and said I will send you money tomorrow before you stop me seeing the kids I said I've never stopped you seeing them and he said well yoi didn't answer your phone. I've now had a text saying enjoy being skint you having had a skint life yet 🙃 I'm completely head fucked 😭😤 I've been so good untill now and the fact he has just turnt up smashing in the door has freaked me out as he hasn't turnt up once what shall I do

Hi, you are doing the right thing, for you and your children!
You need to call the police and report this. You need to get in touch with your local domestic abuse support service and get some help for your self and your children!
You have done nothing wrong!
You are doing amazing.

You can see by his behaviour now that you have definitely done the right thing. He’s worried now cos he can see you actually mean what you say so he’s ramping it up to try and scare you into changing your mind. Don’t. Imagine your kids being able to come home from school without feeling worried. How amazing that will be for them.

Thanks girls means a lot I am so serious I'm done with his bullshit I hate they way he makes me feel when I answered the door and saw him my heart was racing for the last 2 weeks I've been so relaxed cant believe he has now turnt up like that 😭 calling me a bitch a cunt all because I didn't answer my phone I don't have to answer his has the kids phone numbers if he wants to talk to them I feel so on edge again. He messaged saying don't ever ignore my calls again 🙄

Police. Now.

Just had another message saying he is done forever do you think he finally going to leave me alone

Please do not react to his demands, just know you are strong. No one should put up with his behaviour.

You are strong, you are enough.
Set some boundaries and know we are all here for you 💐

OP call the police

You ring the police and report him is what you do. He has no right to make you feel threatened in your home.
And on Monday you call child maintenance options and HMRC tax credits and open a new claim - although you may be able to do this online tomorrow.

Well done for being strong, keep that up, you've done and amazing thing for your kids and you are worth so much more than his shitty bullying behaviour.

Ring the Police and report him. He has no right coming to your house giving you abuse. I know he is not happy now as you told him to move out. He has no one to take his bad from out and put up with his verbal abuse.
As for him telling you not to ignore his calls. Let his calls go to voice mail and you have recordings then him calling and possible verbal abuse.
Do not let him move back in with you as you and your children deserve to be in a home with no tension or verbal abuse.

Get legal advice and do what Icanflyhigh say's.

From 6th April 2022 - you can have a no fault divorce and the other partner cannot contest it. I am 5 weeks after leaving my husband of 25 years - I was told I was stupid - I was unattractive - I did 95% of the household chores whilst working full time - told if I did not like it I could fuck off - I cannot even tell you all the awful things he has done . Gaslighting / belitting....... I have wanted to leave for years but wanted to make sure I could survive without him and can honestly says its the best thing I have ever done and will never go back to living like that - you are not living when you are in a relationship like that - you are just existing

Hi girls so I was being so strong
Now I feel guilty and upset all the time I don't no what to do x

Hello @Headmashed12 don't give yourself a hard time, it is really, really difficult to disentangle yourself from an abuser. And what happens is sometimes you feel ok and strong, and sometimes you feel sad and like it's all your fault...that's normal for the situation you're in.

I'm in it too, and what I have to tell myself when I feel like it would be so easy to go back to him is that it's ok to feel that but not to do it...it's just how the abuse makes me feel, I don't have to act on it.

There's a thread on here about someone whose ex is still wearing his wedding ring, that's how he is messing with her head, because he knows it'll make her feel sad and remind her of what they used to have.

Try and get through it one day or even one hour at a time, like not having smoking or giving up booze or chocolate, do it a bit at a time...

When I feel like I can't stay strong I come on here and get some support and encouragement from the MN girls, and it helps me keep going. You do the same love, and we'll help you get through this.

How long have you been split for does it get easier x

We've been separated about nine months, and yes it definitely, definitely gets easier...I now have more days feeling better than I do feeling sad, whereas at the beginning I felt elated, and then just afterwards I felt sad for ages. It comes and goes which is why, if you can, just keep going, as another "mood" will come along before too long and you can just get on with your day. I'm also seeing a counsellor which really helps, is that something you could do? It needs to be someone experienced in abuse though, otherwise they can say things meaning to help but actually set you back...

the other thing that gets suggested on here a lot is to have a phone that you only use for contact with him about the kids, nothing else...so you choose when to look at messages and don't get suddenly thrown by a nasty or nice message coming in (my ex seems to alternate the two) when you're not prepared. If you do that, it's good not to check for messages in the evening, so you're not awake half the night thinking about stuff...