My head is a mess.. advice welcome?

[seamonkeys]

Where to start. Split with my ex after 10 years a few months ago and me and the kids (5 year old and 6 month old) moved out.
I applied for universal credit, got job interviews, started seeing someone else (who has been nothing but lovely)
Ex said he wanted to talk, so I agreed.
There's were his points why he ended it

• his tea was never ready for him (he WFH and said he preferred to cook, when I do cook he hovered over me and for the 9 months of pregnancy I had hyperemesis)

• I gave up work to be a 'housewife' but I wasn't a good housewife. I didn't do much with our eldest apart from sit him in front of the tv while I sat on my phone

• because he earns a good wage I didn't have to work or worry about bills and I didn't appreciate it

• I made his parents feel 'outcast' (they chose to move to Cyprus so we barely saw them)

• when he said he was leaving before I went on tinder and he found out. He said he "can't get over' this and the fact I spoke to other males in messaging sometimes.

• I wasn't affectionate and he didn't get much sex ( he would sulk if I turned it down)

• I didn't support his hobbies (he plays paintball at £80 a go once a month)

• I didn't support his career. I was jealous he had a career and hobbies and I didn't.

• i didn't care about the kids!

He then cried and said he had nothing as he moved up here for me, but can't be miserable as he was with me and during his this talk I didn't say the "right things" (I think he wanted me to cry say I was sorry and I'd have his tea on the table every night)

I actually felt ok and was enjoying life a bit again and dates with the new guy until this. Now this has messed my head up.

Was I so in the wrong? If he didn't want me why say all this?

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship ended particularly with 2 very young children.

I'm confused as will others be on how you actually feel about your ex ? Could you care to share ?

Because you were supposed to fall apart without him, to weep and wail and beg him to come back. And once you had begged enough and promised to never even treat him as less then the god he sees himself as, his position would be restored to what he sees as his rightful place - above you.

Instead, you flourished without him and his fragile view of himself can't cope. So now he's moved on to crying victim status to fuck your head up and get him back in top dog position.

Don't fall for it. Keep flourishing!

He sounds like a right baby. You didn't cook his dinner? Waaaa waaaa

What cobblers he talks. Of course you're not in the wrong.

Don't let him hand you a stick to beat yourself with.

Onwards and upwards.

It sounds as though your ex is lonely, regretting the decision to s[;it and seriously put out be your ability to move on without him. That doesn't mean he wants you, he just doesn't like you being with anyone else,

If you want him back, you certainly have the opportunity, but otherwise, I wouldn't take any notice. He's just wallowing in a bit of self-pity.

He sounds like an abuser working through the same predictable tactics.

Thank goodness the relationship ended. Keep moving forward without him.

If its only a few months then you probably do need time on your own so jumping onto dating sites isn't a great idea.

Ignore his list but reflect on the relationship and take responsibility for those things that you could have done better. You don't need to tell him but part of building a healthy new relationship is to reflect on lessons learned.

A couple will get through difficulties if they are prepared to take responsibility and to find compromise. Making dinner each night only works if there is equal workload from him. You should appreciate a partner and recognise the pressure of earning but equally does he appreciate you?

None of what he said is to repair the broken relationship, he is just criticising you in attempt to bring you down.

Presumably he is unhappy that you have moved on.

Thank goodness you got out when you did.

Stay out and stay away.

He has achieved his goal ie to mess with your head.

It is miserable but it will pass, just give yourself time. And don't give him any more opportunities to upset you.

All his complaints in the OP is part of a script. Painting you to be the one at fault.

Chances are there is or was an OW but he's found that the grass wasn't greener

Thank you all xx

You didn't beg to have him back and are fine. He wants you to be hurting.

Keep moving forward and enjoy not being coersed in to having sex.

Ignore him and carry on with your nice new life, he enjoys making you sad and keeping you down, stay away from him unless it's arranging times for the children and never go back. X

Do you think it was my fault? I should've appreciated him more for being the main earner?
He said he doesn't understand why I don't like being away from my 6 month old overnight as "I didn't care before"... I had PND and was admitted to a mother and baby unit. He said it as though I had a choice.
I don't understand if he wants me back? If he doesn't? If he wants me to be apologising?
I've got the new guy saying he just wants to support me, taking me out for nice meals, days out. It's obviously nothing to do with why me and my ex are split and I'd never have met up with him while we were together but everything he says and does is the opposite of how my ex is treating me.
My life isn't great, we're staying with my parents while I wait on the social housing list. I have no where to store our belongings. I'm sharing a room with both kids.
When we had this chat he then tried to kiss me? He's just not making any sense at all. Oh he also said he hates my mum and my friends!

Urgh. He sounds vile.

You're out now. You're doing the hard bit and doing just fine by the sounds of things.

Plod on. Keep dating. Do not reconcile. He sounds awful.

And nope, not your fault. He sulked When you didn't want sex? Nasty man. He won't change.

OP, no-one knows what your relationship was like except for you. I spent so long obsessing about the end of my own marriage, trying to explain it, trying to make sense of how I was feeling. I'm not saying that this is true of you, but yeah, my ex did work hard and I did take that for granted a bit. I probably didn't put the hours into the relationship after I had kids. I definitely moved on far too quickly after we ended (it was the only way I knew how to feel okay again after the breakup.) None of this might be true about you, and really, if it's over, it doesn't really matter. You will both carry your own perspectives of the truth around with you forever.
Good luck to you. It will get easier. Promise!

Of course it's not your fault! I think like PPs have said, he wants you to know your place. Well, his place. And that is as the mighty working male that you should run around being desperate to please as you are so grateful. Is he ever grateful for anything you do? He certainly doesn't sound it, or sympathetic/caring. He doesn't view you as equals, he's clearly chucked in a whole load of negging bullshit to try to get you to understand how lowly and terrible you are in comparison to him. Except you aren't. You are far, far better off sharing a room with your kids whilst waiting for housing than you are with him. He'll reduce your confidence to nothing to feed his own ego.

He probably does want you back, but I dont think he sounds like a man who wants you back because he loves you and wants a partnership. He sounds like he'll have you back as long as you've learnt you're lesson and are suitably cowed. His terms only.

As someone else has said, embrace your freedom and flourish. This man will only squash you.

See this more with an overview, @seamonkeys, rather than trying to pull apart the nitty gritty, he said/I said stuff.

One piece of advice will get you through this and any other relationship issues you have: stay away from people who make you feel crap. Doesn't matter if they make you feel confused, angry, sad, anxious, whatever. Any kind of crap, and you're off. It really is simple. Even if everything was all your fault all the time, you'd still be wise to get away from people who make you feel like that.

Don't worry about changing yourself: change the company you keep to suit you.

Thank you all. I actually wasn't sure how this thread would go but you've all made me feel much better about myself. I probably didn't appreciate him enough, but he also didn't treat me that kindly either. I used to ask him not to shout at me in front of our son, that I didn't care he shouted but I did care it was in front of our son. I feel sorry for me for accepting that.
I don't want my daughter to hear the same things.

Do you think it was my fault? I should've appreciated him more for being the main earner?
And just whose dc did you give up work to look after? Did he appreciate you more for doing that? It's supposed to be teamwork, and neither is more important than the other just because they happen to be the one earning the money.

What was there for you to appreciate? He treated you like shit, and still does.

So he nags you about dinner and housework and sex and money and his hobbies and the kids and your mum and your friends and your health and mental health and then tries to kiss you.

You will be just fine, it might be a bit of s rocky road to get there.

Next time he feels like a character assassination have some ammo back. Even if it's just "my best at the time wasn't good enough for you, so we are where we are, where i am is never, ever, ever to be shouted at in front of my children again, to never care no matter how much sulking goes on if I don't want to have sex, to never be made to feel a bad parent because I need some down time to be a good parent the other 80%, to never be with a man I gave up a career for who lets his kids not have their own bedroom, need I go on?".

Sorry what are you talking about? The OP says her ex husband told her one of the reasons he ended their marriage was that she didn't cook his dinner

He doesn't sound a good partner

...but I am not sure you are covering yourself in glory getting on Tinder as soon as you have a row

Can't you just forget men for a while, let your head settle ("my head is a mess") - I don't think dating is a great call when you feel like this, you are vulnerable to more dickheads and you have 2 very young children who don't need more disruption

OP
You sound like you’re describing a lot of my life except my OH would never leave as image is all to him. I’m currently planning leaving but same as you in that not working (due to his tempers/sulking which he made me think were caused by the stress of me working and me not wanting to leave kids with him in those moods)

The things you listed are almost word for word the criticisms my OH gives me anytime we argue. It’s actually spooky. Right down to the sulking about sex and saying I’m cold and un affectionate and that’s why he’s horrible to me (not that I’m distant because I’ve had enough of him being horrible)

Well done for getting out. I wish I’d seen the light sooner. I’m appalled at myself for putting my children through this.

Stay strong you and you’re kids are so much better off. Xx