Ex DP introduced DS to new girlfriend after 7 weeks despite asking me to wait 4-6 months

[PollyDarton1]

I just need to get this out because I'm upset, angry and scared.

I was seeing someone in January. My ex DP found out and chastised me for "moving on too quick", "cheapening our relationship" and "it's a rebound" (I left him in September after 7 years, including abuse to me and our son). One of his main issues was he did not want me to introduce a partner to our child (5) until 4-6 months, a rule he stipulated himself. I agreed to this, and we both agreed that should this time roll round, we would discuss with each other to ensure that our son's best interests were considered.

Shortly after this, ex DP met someone online. He told me when they'd met (early Feb). He said he wanted to date as he realised me doing it didn't hurt and he was ready, all fine. Again, we discussed the 4-6 month rule in place just to reiterate - this was drawn up over email and agreed to both in email and SMS.

In late Feb, our relationship became hostile when I discovered and notified ex DP that he had cheated on me in Jan 2020. I made the mistake in letting him know I knew, which is on me, but I was emotional and upset. From that moment on, things have been incredibly hostile - he took 2 weeks off work due to "mental stress" which culminated in him seeking my advice and support when he was going to break up with his new girlfriend, as well as anxiety over the Ukraine situation. I offered my support (wrongly) and spent a while listening to him discuss our past, his current relationship, and his general anxieties.

Two days later, he went to his new girlfriends (exactly a month ago) to split up. For whatever reason, they didn't. When I rang him the next day to see if he was OK as I was worried about his mental health, he told me to stay out of his life and blocked me. The day before, he said he wanted us to be "friends" and that he always "cared about me and wanted me in his life". I was confused and upset. I then got an email which advised me that he wanted to introduce his girlfriend to our child after 3 months, not 4-6. Given they had just nearly split up, I asked for 4-6 to remain in place and he eventually agreed, and also requested that I "must stick to this too".

Fast forward to this weekend. We have had very minimal contact between now and then. My son was dropped off yesterday evening with no Mother's Day card (to be expected) and told me about the wonderful weekend he had meeting Daddy's girlfriend who bought him a present. At no point did ex DP discuss with me that this was happening, furthermore, did not advise me of this when recapping his weekend.

I sent a SMS to him advising him that I was aware of this, that he had broken the agreement in place, that I was disappointed at the disrespect and that I would have to think about further steps as it appeared he feels unable to co-parent amicably.

I received a hostile, accusatory, deceptive SMS in return which essentially justified his decision and claimed he and girlfriend had been together longer, he only agreed to 4-6 months (despite it being his initial request) because I am "controlling" and that he himself has concerns about my parenting and will be considering next steps as he does not think I prioritise my son. He called me hysterical, emotionally manipulative and a liar and that I have withheld access to my son to him - he didn't have access twice because of a) refusing to pick our son up from my Mum and b) verbally assaulting me in front of our child and causing him emotional distress. At no other point has there been an issue with access.

I am at a loss. I have literally done everything he has asked me to do, agreed to the rules written up, minimal contact, etc. Initially I was emotional when he came to my house and I was worried for him, so I may have made more phone calls/texts to him than necessary, but since then I have done nothing.

In contrast, he has continually overstepped boundaries, including this weekend. There is no court order in place (he doesn't want one) and all agreements have been between the two of us.

I'd get a court order whether he wants one or not. That way it's all in writing and he can't just do what he likes-although I'm sure he'd still try to!
The meeting the girlfriend thing-very annoying and frustrating obviously, especially as he's trying to turn it around on you and say you're "controlling" etc but just stick to introducing your DC to your new partner if and when you feel ready to, don't feel pressured by the ex's actions either way.

Log it all. Seek legal advice.

He’s going to manipulate you at every turn.

Keep all communication to writing only - email/text.

He’s not going to improve with this.

I’m any communication keep emotion out of it. It empowers him if you get emotional.

Get a court order. Accept that his chief motivation is to continue to control and hurt you. Study grey rock and implement it at all times.

There's nothing you can do about him introducing your DS to anyone, even a court order can't stop that unless there's a serious safeguarding issue, so I'm not really sure what that would achieve.

Sorry but unfortunately you cannot set riles for what he does answer he sees during his contact time and court order won't set this either.

You split with him but from what you say it seems like you don't want him but don't want anyone else to either. Try to remember why you left, move on with your life but let your child have a relationship with their father albeit separate to you.

*rules not riles

OP you cannot informally coparent with someone who has abused you or there has been a toxic dynamic or animosity.

Writing up agreements in emails really means nothing. It’s an informal agreement which really neither of you are bound to.

If you want consistency for your child then the only route is to get a proper contact order. Via the courts. It’s not as scary or overwhelming as it sounds, it’s actually quite straight forward and doesn’t even require a solicitor- although in your case I’d recommend one because your ex sounds like an arsehole and will likely be very distributive to the process.

You can either do this now or you can continue to live the life you are living for years - subject to your exs shitty behaviour and character.
It won’t change, he won’t sudden become reasonable and pleasant and amicable.

So do yourself a favour and seek some advice. You need to remove any element of friendship or relationship with your ex and be in contact strictly for your child.

It sounds like you are both trying to exert a certain level of control over each other, whereas all that really matters is that your child is looked after and has a stable home life - preferably with a stable relationship with both parents

@SeasonFinale

Sorry but unfortunately you cannot set riles for what he does answer he sees during his contact time and court order won't set this either.

You split with him but from what you say it seems like you don't want him but don't want anyone else to either. Try to remember why you left, move on with your life but let your child have a relationship with their father albeit separate to you.

I didn't set the rule - he did, when he found out I was seeing someone. As recently as last Thursday he insisted I stuck to this rule.

@PollyDarton1 It makes no odds who set the rules - it's just words. Nobody need abide by it.

Is there any chance at least one of you could think about putting your child first?

It's a great big mess and your child is caught in the middle. Why the need for either of you to rush into relationships when neither of you have got your heads around co-parenting yet?

Break-ups take time as the aftermath is usually what affects children rather than the split itself. Bringing boyfriends/girlfriends into the mix at this point is just asking for trouble.

You two seem rather involved considering you have broken up.

You need to step right back from him. Stop communicating about anything that is not absolutely important regarding your child.

I can understand why you are upset about your son being introduced to various girlfriends but ultimately your son can be introduced to whoever his dad wants on his contact time and you have no say unless they pose a risk of harm to your child.

You are not responsible for your ex’s mental health, you said he was abusive to you so why not look into the freedom course? Or similar to help remove you from the situation

@VyeBrator

Is there any chance at least one of you could think about putting your child first?

It's a great big mess and your child is caught in the middle. Why the need for either of you to rush into relationships when neither of you have got your heads around co-parenting yet?

Break-ups take time as the aftermath is usually what affects children rather than the split itself. Bringing boyfriends/girlfriends into the mix at this point is just asking for trouble.

I put my child first by leaving my ex DP when he screaming in his face "you're a fucking prick" and a "fucking bastard", thank you.

I'm not in a relationship anymore - I was seeing someone for a brief period of time, which I did not have any intentions of introducing my child to, but my ex DP found out and went mental at me, and insisted I stuck to a rule. We stopped seeing each other shortly afterwards, as I recognised I had not processed the split properly.

What are you on about?

There is nothing binding about 'setting rules' AKA 'coming to an agreement'.

If he's unsuitable to look after DS then you need to see a solicitor. But neither of you can make 'rules' for each other.

Get on with your life
Leave him to get on with his.

Text/Email re DS & that's it. You're not friends, never will be - there's no respect.

@Quitelikeit

You two seem rather involved considering you have broken up.

You need to step right back from him. Stop communicating about anything that is not absolutely important regarding your child.

I can understand why you are upset about your son being introduced to various girlfriends but ultimately your son can be introduced to whoever his dad wants on his contact time and you have no say unless they pose a risk of harm to your child.

You are not responsible for your ex’s mental health, you said he was abusive to you so why not look into the freedom course? Or similar to help remove you from the situation

My ex would text me every day when we split - I wouldn't initiate, he wanted to know how our son was.

I have stepped back, as of several weeks ago after he emotionally drew me in to the problems in his life and for whatever reason (trauma bond, I suspect) I still cared and wanted to help him. Since then, I have taken no interest in his life beyond how my son is when he's in his care.

He had previously insisted that any introduction of partners should be discussed before hand and he had "nothing planned" last Thursday. He insisted I speak to him if I want to introduce anyone to my son, which being reasonable and cooperative and considerate of his position as a father, I was willing to do.

I'm currently on a referral list for domestic abuse services/support and have a weekly therapist.

@MuggleMadness

What are you on about?

There is nothing binding about 'setting rules' AKA 'coming to an agreement'.

If he's unsuitable to look after DS then you need to see a solicitor. But neither of you can make 'rules' for each other.

Get on with your life
Leave him to get on with his.

Text/Email re DS & that's it. You're not friends, never will be - there's no respect.

No, I know there is nothing legally binding.

This "agreement" was created by him, and because I'm cooperative and respectful of his feelings as a parent, I was happy to discuss and agree to, without the need of court involvement. I have involved him in any major decision making process re: our son.

Again, I have made no rules for him.

To be honest, I think the whole comment on you needing to think next steps for contact was a totally unnecessary threat. No harm was done here, sure he broke his own rule by a few weeks but that’s all. I don’t think it required you to threaten him and it was absolutely a threat.

I think you just have to let it go OP. There is nothing you can do about it and it's done now anyway.

Yes it's annoying that he's broken the rule he insisted on, but it's not the end of the world and at least your DS has come away saying new gf has been kind to him. It hasn't impacted him negatively to meet her when he did, so while I understand your annoyance I would honestly just leave it.

The only rules are

You both love your children
You both spend quality, safe time with children
You are both single, independent people

Spend time on yourself, rather than worrying about other people

@Anniefrenchfry

To be honest, I think the whole comment on you needing to think next steps for contact was a totally unnecessary threat. No harm was done here, sure he broke his own rule by a few weeks but that’s all. I don’t think it required you to threaten him and it was absolutely a threat.

I can see why that would be seen that way.

But for context, my ex has repeatedly said that if I was to break any agreement, HE would consider next steps. Me saying this was an acknowledgement that I felt moving forwards we may need to go down a legal route.

I think you both come out of this pretty badly and honestly I think you risk being framed as toxic and controlling yourself. He is entitled o introduce your child to whoever he wants to on his time, unless there are genuine safeguarding concerns in place. Your email about honking about next steps was a nasty threat, and completely inappropriate - if you stopped contact due to him introducing a new partner he'd wipe the floor with you in court. If I were you I'd apologise for your empty threat and stop trying to control what he does on his time.

Sorry for typos - I'm on my phone - but you get my meaning I'm sure!!!

He should not have been discussing his current relationship with you. Moreover, based on that discussion, you then expected him to end it with his GF. It's quite possible that his GF was made well aware that he had discussed their problems with you, making it look to her that you had influenced his decision ( whether true or not, you should not have let him talk to you about it as its non of your business).
I think his GF turned it around by pointing to you as a bad influence, which would explain why he was so hostile to you after he stayed with her.
This is what you get for involving yourself in his drama, you did this because you know you still haven't let go of him. Annoyance, hate, stress - they are all still showing emotional ties if you feel them about him. You will know when you are over him, that's when you feel nonchalant about anything he does, that's when you will be free. Meantime, as little contact as possible, stop monitoring what he is up to, and get a formal visitation order in place.

@OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo

I think you both come out of this pretty badly and honestly I think you risk being framed as toxic and controlling yourself. He is entitled o introduce your child to whoever he wants to on his time, unless there are genuine safeguarding concerns in place. Your email about honking about next steps was a nasty threat, and completely inappropriate - if you stopped contact due to him introducing a new partner he'd wipe the floor with you in court. If I were you I'd apologise for your empty threat and stop trying to control what he does on his time.

I wasn't thinking of stopping contact at all - it was more ensuring we had something legal in place because it was clear the current status quo wasn't working and we were unable to co-parent effectively - something I reflected in the message.

For context - my ex DP had said that any introductions of new partners must be discussed to consider our son's best interests as he had experienced instability (we moved house in December, and he has had problems going into school) to reach an agreement as to when was the right time. He was concerned that anything earlier than 4-6 months (at which point we both agreed we would feel comfortable with new partner) could be detrimental to our son.

It's not what he does with his time that is bothering me at all. I have no interest in who he sees, what he does etc.

What has upset me is that I have been repeatedly (and recently) asked to agree to a maintenance (less than I'm owed), contact, access and rules re: new partners. I have done this willingly to be cooperative, mainly because a) I'm not a dick and b) I don't want to rock the boat as he can be needlessly hostile and argumentative.

I have endured verbal assaults for stepping ever so slightly out of this agreement (such as not having my son ready on time because ex DP was late), for asking for extra help when I've been unwell, amongst other things. In contrast, my ex DP has repeatedly stepped well outside of the boundaries such as entering my home when asked not to, trying to illicit personal feelings out of me, discussing his personal life when I've asked him not to, involving me in his mental health concerns, and finally the topic I've raised this post about. I have not risen to these. Each time I believe we are establishing a clear set of boundaries, he does something to jepodise that and it has left me feeling scared, confused and frightened about what will come next.

I hope that makes some sense.

@Opentooffers

He should not have been discussing his current relationship with you. Moreover, based on that discussion, you then expected him to end it with his GF. It's quite possible that his GF was made well aware that he had discussed their problems with you, making it look to her that you had influenced his decision ( whether true or not, you should not have let him talk to you about it as its non of your business). I think his GF turned it around by pointing to you as a bad influence, which would explain why he was so hostile to you after he stayed with her. This is what you get for involving yourself in his drama, you did this because you know you still haven't let go of him. Annoyance, hate, stress - they are all still showing emotional ties if you feel them about him. You will know when you are over him, that's when you feel nonchalant about anything he does, that's when you will be free. Meantime, as little contact as possible, stop monitoring what he is up to, and get a formal visitation order in place.

I repeatedly asked him not to discuss it, and that I didn't want or need to know. It was at this point that he was experiencing a mental health crisis and said he needed to speak to someone who "knows him better than anyone else" and "can support me". I am a chronic people pleaser. I gave my advice, which was identical to that of his friends.

I expect however you are right, and that he has framed it that "She said I should leave you" - the reality of the situation was I have a flurry of messages the day he was due to end it with him being disparaging and rude about her, to which I engaged very little with. The outcome of which, I have been framed as the "bad influence" like you said.

You are also right that I haven't let go. I'm currently in therapy exploring trauma bonds (there is a lot of his behaviour during our relationship that I haven't gone into) and the need to appease him. I am frightened of him and it ends up with me bending over backwards to try after years of criticism, insults and negging.

Step back and go grey rock with him. Only discuss things relating to your dc, the inky question you answer is the one directly relating to your dc.

Don't give him any information about you, if he asks something that's not relation to your dc ignore

If he wants to put any agreements in place, like the rule in question, tell him to do it via the family courts.

In all honesty he sounds manipulative, I'd get a court ordered contact schedule and discuss these things via a solicitor

You can't stop him introducing anyone to your dc the same way he can't stop you. It appears that it's one rule for him and another for you, he'll ask you to abide by something but not follow it himself.