Ex DP introduced DS to new girlfriend after 7 weeks despite asking me to wait 4-6 months

[PollyDarton1]

I just need to get this out because I'm upset, angry and scared.

I was seeing someone in January. My ex DP found out and chastised me for "moving on too quick", "cheapening our relationship" and "it's a rebound" (I left him in September after 7 years, including abuse to me and our son). One of his main issues was he did not want me to introduce a partner to our child (5) until 4-6 months, a rule he stipulated himself. I agreed to this, and we both agreed that should this time roll round, we would discuss with each other to ensure that our son's best interests were considered.

Shortly after this, ex DP met someone online. He told me when they'd met (early Feb). He said he wanted to date as he realised me doing it didn't hurt and he was ready, all fine. Again, we discussed the 4-6 month rule in place just to reiterate - this was drawn up over email and agreed to both in email and SMS.

In late Feb, our relationship became hostile when I discovered and notified ex DP that he had cheated on me in Jan 2020. I made the mistake in letting him know I knew, which is on me, but I was emotional and upset. From that moment on, things have been incredibly hostile - he took 2 weeks off work due to "mental stress" which culminated in him seeking my advice and support when he was going to break up with his new girlfriend, as well as anxiety over the Ukraine situation. I offered my support (wrongly) and spent a while listening to him discuss our past, his current relationship, and his general anxieties.

Two days later, he went to his new girlfriends (exactly a month ago) to split up. For whatever reason, they didn't. When I rang him the next day to see if he was OK as I was worried about his mental health, he told me to stay out of his life and blocked me. The day before, he said he wanted us to be "friends" and that he always "cared about me and wanted me in his life". I was confused and upset. I then got an email which advised me that he wanted to introduce his girlfriend to our child after 3 months, not 4-6. Given they had just nearly split up, I asked for 4-6 to remain in place and he eventually agreed, and also requested that I "must stick to this too".

Fast forward to this weekend. We have had very minimal contact between now and then. My son was dropped off yesterday evening with no Mother's Day card (to be expected) and told me about the wonderful weekend he had meeting Daddy's girlfriend who bought him a present. At no point did ex DP discuss with me that this was happening, furthermore, did not advise me of this when recapping his weekend.

I sent a SMS to him advising him that I was aware of this, that he had broken the agreement in place, that I was disappointed at the disrespect and that I would have to think about further steps as it appeared he feels unable to co-parent amicably.

I received a hostile, accusatory, deceptive SMS in return which essentially justified his decision and claimed he and girlfriend had been together longer, he only agreed to 4-6 months (despite it being his initial request) because I am "controlling" and that he himself has concerns about my parenting and will be considering next steps as he does not think I prioritise my son. He called me hysterical, emotionally manipulative and a liar and that I have withheld access to my son to him - he didn't have access twice because of a) refusing to pick our son up from my Mum and b) verbally assaulting me in front of our child and causing him emotional distress. At no other point has there been an issue with access.

I am at a loss. I have literally done everything he has asked me to do, agreed to the rules written up, minimal contact, etc. Initially I was emotional when he came to my house and I was worried for him, so I may have made more phone calls/texts to him than necessary, but since then I have done nothing.

In contrast, he has continually overstepped boundaries, including this weekend. There is no court order in place (he doesn't want one) and all agreements have been between the two of us.

Fuck
Him
And fuck this all

Stay happy , minimise contact to nothing but logistics
Stop talking and stop listening
He’s an ex now

Keep messages to
When will we drop off
When will we collect

Anything else is a waste of time

End of x

Thank you all. Some really good food for thought here.

I have been grey rocking for about 3 weeks now since he verbally assaulted me in the house. I've been civil and polite but not friendly (something he's sort of tried to do). I had assumed things had de-escalated and I was not going to get any nasty surprises, but I was wrong.

I've contacted my solicitor to see if we can proceed with court. Just to reiterate, I never wanted to stop my DS being introduced to anyone, I just (wrongly) assumed ex DP would stick to the rule in place given that it was a) his own rule and b) persist in reminding me I needed to stick to it. I also felt it was a reasonable and fair rule as my DS is only 5 and very impressionable, having experiencing a lot of instability in the last year. For whatever reason, it's happened now, and I can't change it. I know I cannot trust anything my ex DP says, which frightens me moving forwards, and wasn't what I expected of him in regards to our son at least, but it is what it is.

@PollyDarton1

Thank you all. Some really good food for thought here.

I have been grey rocking for about 3 weeks now since he verbally assaulted me in the house. I've been civil and polite but not friendly (something he's sort of tried to do). I had assumed things had de-escalated and I was not going to get any nasty surprises, but I was wrong.

I've contacted my solicitor to see if we can proceed with court. Just to reiterate, I never wanted to stop my DS being introduced to anyone, I just (wrongly) assumed ex DP would stick to the rule in place given that it was a) his own rule and b) persist in reminding me I needed to stick to it. I also felt it was a reasonable and fair rule as my DS is only 5 and very impressionable, having experiencing a lot of instability in the last year. For whatever reason, it's happened now, and I can't change it. I know I cannot trust anything my ex DP says, which frightens me moving forwards, and wasn't what I expected of him in regards to our son at least, but it is what it is.

What are you hoping to get out of going to court? A judge is pretty unlikely to stipulate rules about when to introduce new partners, unless there's a huge track record of partners being introduced inappropriately - a one-off like this, which doesn't actually sound inappropriate, isn't going to cut it. Are you hoping to get other things out of a court order, like a fixed contact schedule? As resident parent you may find a court order a millstone around your neck - it gives you a lot of responsibilities in terms of making your child available for contact, but it doesn't oblige your ex to actually turn up for contact.

I wasn't expecting a judge to rule about new partners as I know they do not do that.

It was more setting in stone legally when is appropriate for my ex to see my son, and when he can contact me (under what grounds). I wanted to move to EOW as I only get one weekend a month with him, ex currently has 3 weeks on, one off - this is an idea I floated with ex back in November of last year but was told no.

I think tbh you have to take a step back . You only separated in September. You both have to get used to "the new normal".
You need to see the relationship between you as a working relationship rather than anything else. It sounds to me as if the boundaries on both sides are blured. Firstly I would be putting down firm boundaries then later on looking at a court order if there's still issues. A court order really isn't the golden ticket everyone says it is. The courts look at the parents to work out what's best for their children.

@JustmeandtheKIDS2

I think tbh you have to take a step back . You only separated in September. You both have to get used to "the new normal". You need to see the relationship between you as a working relationship rather than anything else. It sounds to me as if the boundaries on both sides are blured. Firstly I would be putting down firm boundaries then later on looking at a court order if there's still issues. A court order really isn't the golden ticket everyone says it is. The courts look at the parents to work out what's best for their children.

I definitely feel the boundaries were blurred, and I have my responsibility in that. I went entirely with my ex DP's lead as he had separated from the mother of his eldest 8 years prior, and until he found out I was seeing someone things were reasonably amicable - it was then that things started to escalate and become hostile (him to me, with me trying to appease him constantly). I finished with the person I was seeing very shortly afterwards as I recognised I was not ready for a relationship, and had no intention of introducing him to my DS.

I felt the firm boundaries were in place - minimal contact during the week, video call on a Weds, minimal contact at the weekends - with the agreement (he wrote) in place so we both knew where we stood on issues such as maintenance, access, contact etc. I had been grey rocking and not responding to anything that overstepped this boundary, including him asking if he could call me one afternoon.

I believe now he has done what he has, there really isn't anything else he can break (short of maintenance as I don't think he'd stop seeing his child, and tbh, if he did, I would be relieved after his abusive behaviour toward him previously) I guess.

You don’t need court
Big money and big stress
Chill
In time you can agree via Soliciter and or mediators
Don’t give a massive stress that you don’t need

Personally I would avoid court, I think you just to re instate those boundaries. I have been to court many many times, it really should be your last option. Realistically it solves very little, it's a civil court order which means it's really just an agreement between you.

Personally I wouldn't bother with a solicitor. In my experience they just antagonise each other and drag things out, often purely for the purposes of generating more income from you.

You'll have to go through mediation before you get to court anyway, so even less point in using a solicitor at that stage.

Do you have your son all week every week, and then your ex has him 3 weekends out of 4? That doesn't sound like a particularly fair arrangements unless you work shifts/weekends. So definitely worth asking to change that to EOW and one evening/night during the week. And if your child has access to a device (eg tablet), then offer to set that up with skype/zoom and let them video call each other at agreed times.

I can see why you’re angry. Ex initiated the 4-6 month rule but then decided it didn’t apply to him.
Also I can understand you being concerned enough about his MH to want to help him but now it’s time to separate from him emotionally.
You have no responsibility for him any longer. Your only responsibility is your son.
Talk to a solicitor, get a contact order in place. Any swearing, abuse, any detrimental behaviour on his part, log it. Don’t react. Log it for your so,icitor.
Concentrate now on making a new life for yourself and your son.

I’m wondering why he is having unsupervised access to you son when you say he’s previously abused him?

@altmember

Personally I wouldn't bother with a solicitor. In my experience they just antagonise each other and drag things out, often purely for the purposes of generating more income from you.

You'll have to go through mediation before you get to court anyway, so even less point in using a solicitor at that stage.

Do you have your son all week every week, and then your ex has him 3 weekends out of 4? That doesn't sound like a particularly fair arrangements unless you work shifts/weekends. So definitely worth asking to change that to EOW and one evening/night during the week. And if your child has access to a device (eg tablet), then offer to set that up with skype/zoom and let them video call each other at agreed times.

We can't use mediation as advised by both domestic abuse services and solicitor because of historic (and current) abuse.

I don't work weekends or shift work. It's always been my ex DPs rule that he has him 3 out of 4 weekends. I floated the idea of EOW as I felt I was missing out on time with my DS (as in, I work all week, do the mental load, he gets the fun part) but he refused. If I raise this with him again now, he will see it as reactionary to what happened this weekend so I need to bide my time and wait for the dust to settle and assume I won't get any other little surprises.

@Xpologog

I can see why you’re angry. Ex initiated the 4-6 month rule but then decided it didn’t apply to him. Also I can understand you being concerned enough about his MH to want to help him but now it’s time to separate from him emotionally. You have no responsibility for him any longer. Your only responsibility is your son. Talk to a solicitor, get a contact order in place. Any swearing, abuse, any detrimental behaviour on his part, log it. Don’t react. Log it for your so,icitor. Concentrate now on making a new life for yourself and your son.

Yep, that's it. He has made me run through hoops to prove that I'm agreeing to the boundaries that have been set and then just disregards them himself.

The MH thing I tried desperately to separate myself from. It culminating in my ex coming to my property due to an anxiety attack about the Ukraine situation and begging to see our son because he didn't feel safe. I should have turned him away and even at the time asked him to leave after a short period when he then said about how we'd always be 'his true family' and how if nuclear war happened he would walk across town to get to us to make sure we were safe. It was all very dramatic and happened about a month ago.

@LifeIsHardAlways

I’m wondering why he is having unsupervised access to you son when you say he’s previously abused him?

Unfortunately due to his repeated apologies and (what I thought was) genuine contrition I never logged it, to my shame. He also blamed me for instigating a lot of it (I was trying to cut my sons hair, and he was upset).

Because I've sent let him have access after the split, it's not something I can then say 'please revert to supervised access'.

You knew he was a dick. He's just confirmed it again. He's unlikely to stop being a dick. The only thing you can change is your behaviour, not his.
You've repeatedly told us about his rules. He can't make rules. He's not your boss. You can agree to go along with his ideas if you want, but they're not his rules. If you want to do something else, you can do something else and it doesn't make you a dick, or difficult - as long as you're not childish about it.
Keep on going to therapy and see if they can help you detach properly, as he's still playing with you - saying he'll rescue you, you're his real family etc. is manipulative and doesn't deserve a reaction any more than him saying one thing and doing another.

Because I've sent let him have access after the split, it's not something I can then say 'please revert to supervised access
why not?

@ravenmum

You knew he was a dick. He's just confirmed it again. He's unlikely to stop being a dick. The only thing you can change is your behaviour, not his. You've repeatedly told us about his rules. He can't make rules. He's not your boss. You can agree to go along with his ideas if you want, but they're not his rules. If you want to do something else, you can do something else and it doesn't make you a dick, or difficult - as long as you're not childish about it. Keep on going to therapy and see if they can help you detach properly, as he's still playing with you - saying he'll rescue you, you're his real family etc. is manipulative and doesn't deserve a reaction any more than him saying one thing and doing another.

So I guess by the same token him refusing to stick to his own rule doesn't make him a dick either?

I honestly felt the agreement was reasonable, something I'd looked into post split and seemed to be the general consensus of a good time frame. I mean one minute they only met at the start of Feb and now he said it's a lot longer, who knows - he lies out of his teeth to suit him.

But you are absolutely right - my emotional response to this is the issue. I think because I've had (particularly) 2/3 months of emotional manipulation from him I've found it hard. It's actually been more confusing post split than it was within the relationship truth be told.

@ravenmum

Because I've sent let him have access after the split, it's not something I can then say 'please revert to supervised access why not?

I've shown since the split I don't have concerns (although truthfully I do) about him having access. To suddenly say I have concerns and want supervised access after 6/7 months would look game playing and reactionary.

With men like this it is always and will continue to be about control. Do not engage with him. Not on any emotional matter at all. He will continue to try and manipulate and upset you. It can only be about the children. Expect him to break agreements, they are not legally binding. In fact dont bother trying to get agreements, its wasted energy. he can break them all, if you have the time and money for putting a court contact order in place then do that. If he was abusive during the relationship thsres no way he'll be on better behaviour outside of it.

As an aside...It seems mad to me that during a breakup like this you are trying to form a new relationship? Are you still with them? I'd be wanting to make sure you don't walk unwittingly into another abusive situation beforehand

@supercali77

With men like this it is always and will continue to be about control. Do not engage with him. Not on any emotional matter at all. He will continue to try and manipulate and upset you. It can only be about the children. Expect him to break agreements, they are not legally binding. In fact dont bother trying to get agreements, its wasted energy. he can break them all, if you have the time and money for putting a court contact order in place then do that. If he was abusive during the relationship thsres no way he'll be on better behaviour outside of it.

As an aside...It seems mad to me that during a breakup like this you are trying to form a new relationship? Are you still with them? I'd be wanting to make sure you don't walk unwittingly into another abusive situation beforehand

I started seeing someone briefly, but ended it pretty soon because of my exes behaviour which was bringing up a lot of emotions for me. He was a nice guy, but ultimately I was too traumatised from the split and he understood completely. I'm now single and intend on being that way for a while.

Prior to my ex finding out about the person I was seeing, things were not too bad - he would get annoyed if I asked him to help out with DS if I was unwell, but that's him in general. We had daily contact re: our DS that seemed to be working OK.

I don't think ex DP and I will have anything to do with each other now other than minimal communication about our son which is best. He's broken the agreement he was so intent on making, and anything else that was agreed I can't see changing.

I guess by the same token him refusing to stick to his own rule doesn't make him a dick either?
By doing so, he IS being childish, so definitely a dick!

@ravenmum

I guess by the same token him refusing to stick to his own rule doesn't make him a dick either? By doing so, he IS being childish, so definitely a dick!

That's the general consensus from my friends and family. They've seen all the messages (and phone calls) I received insisting I stick to it because he was afraid that it would have an impact on my son if I introduced too soon.

He gave me a long spiel about how we would both need to consider our sons stability given he's got ADHD and having problems with school, and introducing someone could affect him in January, really anxiety based stuff including asking me to promise I wouldn't move away etc.

The fact he's introduced her a month from when they were going to split AND the fact my son has been experiencing a lot of emotional instability with school (following ex verbally assaulting me in our home) just baffles me. He's had him 4 days/nights in the last 5 weeks, so is in no position to make any kind of judgement call on whether my son was ready for such an introduction. He did it entirely for his own selfish needs, because it was his birthday.

OP. It isn't actually baffling if you look at it all from the perspective of him trying to control you and what you do and who you're with and how you decide to do things. Hes only interested in the agreement applying to you.

You have had a lot of good advice. Now time to put firm boundaries in place. Do not engage with him beyond details of pick up times.

Money through CMS

Contact is x day at x time.

And you need a few one liners to deflect. If he is asking about your personal life. You say it isn't any of his concern. Rinse and repeat.

If he is asking about ds. You give him bullet points. He is well today he enjoyed painting at school.

Ignore all the how are you bullshit. It is a formal relationship. Treat it accordingly. Take all the niceties and emotion out of everything. Keep to facts only.

Court won't stop him from being a dick. He will continue to try and get a rise out of you. Don't engage.

OP, I think you already know that his 'rules' are nothing to do with the best interests of your son. This whole 'meeting a new partner' is a total red herring.

All of his communication and rules are about one thing only - control.

You've had great advice, seek a court order immediately and pursue the contact you want. He does not care about you in any way, shape or form. All his behaviour will stem from his need to manipulate and control.

Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock. You and your son deserve better