Need non judgemental advice

[Rhinoinlimbo]

My partner and I are in our early thirties, and we’ve been together for just over 7 years. Around two years ago he came to me in a panic and said he didn’t think he would want children with me by our mid30s (meaning key fertility age for me). Since then he has gone through different stages and is now saying he definitely doesn’t want children and he finds reading about others who made the decision to be child free is empowering. This is all compared to three years ago when he did say he wanted children and how many etc. he also really likes children and is good with them.

I’ve always wanted children, but now faced with the possibility of us breaking up over this, I don’t know what I want to do. Part of me does think having children is very hard, and that i would prefer to guarantee having the right partner by my side, over guaranteeing having children. I also feel I want children with him, and I don’t want to leave and just find someone else just for the sake of procreation.

We are otherwise an extremely happy couple. These past two years of this conversation have taken a huge toil, but we’ve always ended up sticking by each other and fighting for us as we love each other so much (I know that sounds cliche but it is the truth).

The other context to this is my partner has mental health issues, which have got worse in these past two years. I think this is definitely part of the root cause of his way of thinking about children. However it is hard to challenge him on that and he has got very defensive about his right not to have children, and not to have to provide reasons why he doesn’t. We did try relationship therapy briefly but his mental health wasn’t good at the time and he was just defensive. He takes medication.

We are coming to the stage we need to take a final decision- to be together or not. I find speaking to my close friends about this difficult, as they can be quite judgemental and have the standard view “you should never sacrifice what you want for others”. But I don’t find it that simple.

Should I just take the plunge and leave? Would it be possible to stay and come to terms with him not wanting children without resenting him? I feel so stuck.

P.s. none of my reluctance to leave is about a fear of being alone etc. I am independent enough that I know I can leave, and that I’ll be perfectly fine if it happens.

Only you can decide if you want children more or less than you want to be in a relationship with this man. It is not a decision that anyone else can make for you.

Before you decide however, I'd also consider the very binary nature of this decision - it's a yes/no one, there's no middle ground. My question is what other decisions like this are likely to come up and is it always going to be binary or do you feel that in other things you can reach a compromise? Or perhaps in something else that's very important for you he'll make the sacrifice? Or is it always going to be him that gets the final decision due to his mental health issues?

Also, if you're not going to have children, then the next 20 years will look quite different to how you expected. Which is, conceivably, totally fine. But you need to at least feel you have a good sense of what it might look like - can you think of short, medium and long-term plans and goals you might want to put in place if you're not having DC?

You will regret it forever if you stay with this man and never have children. I've seen this exact senario play out in real life several times and it is nothing but tragic. These women threw away their chance for the family they desperately wanted for men who ended up leaving them, and three of these men ended up having children with other women.

End it now. This man is just stringing you along.

When it comes to something as massive as whether or not to be a mum then your friends are right. You don’t want to hear it which I understand because you don’t want to leave him, but they are right.

You need to work out what you want, for your life, for you. If you imagine yourself in 5 years time do you picture motherhood or do you picture being childfree? If you never get to experience it do you feel bereft or is life full of other opportunities?

I know a few people who’ve gone through this. One couple it’s the man who’d have loved to be a dad but she hates children and thinks pregnancy sounds awful. It’s pretty much killed their marriage, they’re both so resentful, have no sex life, bicker constantly.

Another couple he was always clear kids weren’t for him. She’s chopped and changed many times over the years and broken up and got back together. It’s too late now and she’s stayed with him, seems to have mild regrets but thinks what they have is worth it. They seem in a mostly good place but I know she has pangs.

It’s the single biggest deal breaker. Neither of you is wrong. But you are potentially incompatible and you don’t have long to make a decision.

I don’t envy you, it’s really difficult.

OP, is the mental health issue perhaps what is driving his decision? Is he afraid this will be hereditary, or that he will be unable to function as a parent? If so, maybe some counselling around this could be helpful.
Alternatively, is it possible he wants to end the relationship but doesn’t want to be the bad guy who makes the break. Hence he gives you a deal breaker - no kids - and hopes you will then end it for him?

I’ve been in exactly your position

I ended things and have three amazing children. Staying would have been the most catastrophic mistake for me. Motherhood and my kids eclipse anything I could or did ever feel for a man. There is no comparison. I have no regret. It was not only the right decision for me it was for him too and really it was only choice I had as I desperately wanted to have my own children

If you want children leave.

What @HellToTheNope said. I have heard many many times women who have given up having children, only for the man to then leave AND have children with the next partner.
How would you feel if this happened?

How do you feel about old age with no children/grandchildren?

If I’d always envisioned children in my future, I’d leave. Appreciate its a tough decision op.

Dont give up your dream for a man! What if you break up anyway and never got to have children? Men come and go I'm afraid and also are capable of letting you down, you will end up resenting him. I would pursue your dream and find someone on the same page as you.

You need to leave, this man will never fulfil you & you will live to regret it if yiu stay.

You say this is a good relationship, but him making big decisions like this that affects you both & not even discussing it properly is a big red flag that yiu & what you want don't really matter. It's all about him. That's not a great relationship, as I'm sure you will realise once you distance yourself from him

If you want children then cut your losses and leave - that is the only way he will realise if he wants you enough to have a child.

Also his MH issues are not a good starting ground for parenthood - it’s a very challenging time to say the least!!!

It sounds like you want DC, so you don’t have any more time to spend with your DP as he doesn’t.

If you stay would reflect on the possible scenario of breaking up in the future and you not being able to have biological DC and your ex having DC with someone else. (Happens a fair bit).

Your friends don’t sound judgmental. Sounds like they too think that you want DC and advise you not to take the risk of this not being possible due to prioritising your DP.

There have been women who have sacrificed having children for a man only for the man to bugger off in their 40's and even 50's and then have children with a younger woman meaning their exes have missed their window of opportunity to have a child.

I was related to a man who didn’t want children. He married a wet blanket of a woman who went along with this because she loved him.
They used the Russian roulette style of contraception and she ended up pregnant. She got eclampsia, had a section, nearly died and was so weak afterwards. It was obvious from very early on that this child had SEN.
Fast forward a year and it’s too much for him ! He leaves her alone to juggle work and a child with SEN. As this child becomes an adult he can’t be left alone, needs mum or a carer. Dad doesn’t see him.
He leaves her and gets with another woman. They had three children.

Sorry but if you want kids then you need to leave, and now.

You'll only regret it and resent him for it. It's too huge an issue to ignore (he's perfectly entitled not to want them himself, but not to force you to feel the same). Being a mum is amazing.

He’ll probably change his mind back again when you’re late 30s and the pressure for him is off - that’s when he’ll have kids. He’ll want them easily and will do so with someone in their early 30s.

Only you will be late 30s by then.

Basically, you’ll repress your desire for children thinking you will have a great life together. And it will be - until he changes his mind and wants kids after all. But easily, not with ivf or any issues that an older mother might bring.

This is a scenario I’ve seen happen more than once.

If you don’t want kids yourself then enjoy the next years together. If any part of you wants children, now is the time to move on.

Sorry but I'd never give up having children for a man. 1 year 5 years 20 years he could be gone like the wind leaving you with what? Bitterness and resentment for giving up something so precious for him? I know probably half a dozen men who said this to lovely women....guess what they've all kids with different women now. Those lovely women are now too old to have children

I'd break up with him over this. Luckily I haven't been in a long term relationship but in a shorter one where the man changed his mind re this.

You can easily find someone else in the meantime who does want kids.

I know someone in this situation and I think she should leave and the guy is stringing her along.

I'd be wary its not really about not wanting children but more about not wanting to make a proper commitment. What are his plans for the relationship otherwise? Is he committed in other ways?

To the poster who said he won't discuss it properly - we have discussed the topic to death, it is just the therapy came at a bad time. I've said I should leave many times, and ultimately we are now coming to the point it is very likely I will do it. He has also now said we should break up as he doesn't want to be making me unhappy. But his MH is part of it - he has a huge guilt complex and is wrecked by the idea he may never be ready to have children and then let me down.

I do think I can envisage being happy without children. I mostly like small children. If I don't have children, then I'd like to prioritise us being really proactive auntie and uncles to our many nephews and nieces, and spending more time with our family (we live in different cities from them right now). Honestly, a lot of me wanting to have children is FOMO, the whole biological urge, liking small kids, and how I think it would be such a lovely adventure with my partner, where (if he was ready to do so) we could overcome the challenges together. As I said, he is actually amazing with children, so the whole thing came as a huge surprise.

Also, I have no huge issue with the idea of not having biological children. If I had fertility issues ever, I'd probably prefer to adopt than to go down a emotionally distressing IVF route. So the age factor isn't so scary for me. If we broke up now, I definitely want to be single for quite some time, so I am never going to have age on my side now!

Child free life is blissful, but obviously if it’s something you actively choose, you’d be choosing childlessness to keep a man, which seems like an easy way to make yourself miserable.

You could separate and become a single parent.

You could have his children but live separately. He'd get to enjoy the good bits, while you both get time off. Expensive, but eminently workable. He may in time realise that he can hack it full time.

I don't think staying with him without children will work out well for you. There is only one positive possible outcome- you get used to being childless- and there are many many negative possible outcomes- him leaving later and having children when you can't, you staying and resenting it, you getting pregnant accidentally and feeling pressured/him feeling trapped etc.

I think his mental health is clouding things a bit really. One question to ask is if his mental health was good and stable and he still felt the same, how would you feel? If you feel that because he cannot discuss his health and shuts talk of children down then you are never going to get a clear answer. It is fine for him to be childless and it is fine for you to make that decision as well but it has to be open and truthful. Unfortunately you do not have time to wait and nor should you as ultimately if you stay with him and ignore any feelings of wanting a child it will cause you pain.

"But his MH is part of it - he has a huge guilt complex and is wrecked by the idea he may never be ready to have children and then let me down."

It sounds like you think he might change his mind if his MH was better?

He won't. You need to make the decision op.

Imagine you stay together and agree not to have children. If you feel you could do that and not feel resentful or as though you're missing out, it's a viable option.
Then imagine you separate (for whatever reason) and he meets someone younger and has children or step children. Can you get your head around that scenarion (it is unfortunately not uncommon). He could even change his mind about wanting children in 15 years time and leave to have them (possibly unlikely I appreciate).

If you can, hand on heart, say that he matters to you more than having children, then it's a straightforward decision. But in making that decision you know you have to be 100% certain, or the resentment will eventually wreck your relationship anyway.

You need to be absolutely certain that everything else about your relationship is great - good communication, absolute honesty, shared workload, equal importance in decision-making, you both make equal compromises etc. I suppose I'm saying that you might be willing to give up having children for a relationship that is as close to perfect as it's possible to be. Otherwise it's too big a sacrifice.

I think it’s telling he’s straight up told you “he doesn’t want children with you”.

Fwiw I’m now a 50 year old single parent. I left the man in my late-20s who “didn’t want children with me” (10 days after I left he moved in with a woman with 2 kids - whole other story! 😂).

I met someone else mid-30s and had 2 kids. Left him too.

I couldn’t give a shiny fart for those 2 men in question - but I never regret having the children. Even though they drive me fucking bananas.