Need non judgemental advice

[Rhinoinlimbo]

My partner and I are in our early thirties, and we’ve been together for just over 7 years. Around two years ago he came to me in a panic and said he didn’t think he would want children with me by our mid30s (meaning key fertility age for me). Since then he has gone through different stages and is now saying he definitely doesn’t want children and he finds reading about others who made the decision to be child free is empowering. This is all compared to three years ago when he did say he wanted children and how many etc. he also really likes children and is good with them.

I’ve always wanted children, but now faced with the possibility of us breaking up over this, I don’t know what I want to do. Part of me does think having children is very hard, and that i would prefer to guarantee having the right partner by my side, over guaranteeing having children. I also feel I want children with him, and I don’t want to leave and just find someone else just for the sake of procreation.

We are otherwise an extremely happy couple. These past two years of this conversation have taken a huge toil, but we’ve always ended up sticking by each other and fighting for us as we love each other so much (I know that sounds cliche but it is the truth).

The other context to this is my partner has mental health issues, which have got worse in these past two years. I think this is definitely part of the root cause of his way of thinking about children. However it is hard to challenge him on that and he has got very defensive about his right not to have children, and not to have to provide reasons why he doesn’t. We did try relationship therapy briefly but his mental health wasn’t good at the time and he was just defensive. He takes medication.

We are coming to the stage we need to take a final decision- to be together or not. I find speaking to my close friends about this difficult, as they can be quite judgemental and have the standard view “you should never sacrifice what you want for others”. But I don’t find it that simple.

Should I just take the plunge and leave? Would it be possible to stay and come to terms with him not wanting children without resenting him? I feel so stuck.

P.s. none of my reluctance to leave is about a fear of being alone etc. I am independent enough that I know I can leave, and that I’ll be perfectly fine if it happens.

@ExHProblem

What *@HellToTheNope* said. I have heard many many times women who have given up having children, only for the man to then leave AND have children with the next partner. How would you feel if this happened?

How do you feel about old age with no children/grandchildren?

If I’d always envisioned children in my future, I’d leave. Appreciate its a tough decision op.

This.

My personal opinion is you always have to consider the worst case scenario. This is what I try and do in any scenario.

How would you feel if you hit 40 he leaves and within 18 months his new partner is pregnant and he is “over the moon”???

If you can reconcile that and say yes the 5 good years we had was worth it then go for it.

It’s hard for me as I was fairly ambivalent about kids and felt I’d have a good life either way… they are just different “destinations”
My husband was keen and as he is younger and I am a bit older it was a now or never thing.she is 4 weeks old and while I could do with a good nights sleep I don’t regret the trajectory my life is taking.

I'd be off. Have kids on your own if necessary - you don't need to be messed about like this.
How would you feel if you decided to stay with him and not have kids then he left you for someone else after it was too late. There are an awful lot of menopause divorces including mine.
My son is the light of my life, he's an adult now but I just couldn't be without him. Men come and go.

I think the mental health issues make it extra tricky. My father and brother have schizophrenia and l have bi polar. The thought of passing on those illnesses to any children terrified me. I was also worried that my bi polar might get worse if l had a difficult birth/challenging child etc. However l longed for family life and in the end we adopted two children who l adore. Sometimes l mind that l missed the whole baby bit but overall it was the right decision for me. All the joy without the responsibility of bringing a child into the world who might suffer as much as my dear father and brother did (and to a lesser extent me). Is there any chance your partner might feel more confident about this option? Might be worth considering especially as you say you are not fixated about a child having to be biologically yours.