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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am really really confused now 😮

75 replies

Trippingslippingx1 · 27/03/2022 11:49

I posted about the guy I was dating 2 months, had known since last summer a few weeks ago.

He 38/M went to India
I am 35/F

I did not hear a word from him except a harmonica video (!) - I did try and text the first Wednesday he was away
I had really liked him and I was fairly upset but just accepted be did not like me that much and my friend seen him on Bumble again. The advice on MN was to not message again.

I awoke this morning to a message from him - asking why I had ghosted him? And screen shots of messages he had sent me - ‘you OK’ but had not been delivered? None of them said ‘seen’ so he knew I had not seen them.

This has never happened to me before? Its all a bit weird?

He then said I just assumed you wanted to be left alone?

He is due back this Wednesday.

We had a quick facetime and I explained that I had not ghosted and had not recieved his messages. I said I had been quite upset but just thought it was over. He said he felt the same way.

Is this bullshit? I have never had this happen to me with a guy I have been seeing.

Would you guys give him benefit of doubt and see him again when he gets back? Usually when I am seeing a guy they keep in touch fairly regularly. He admitted before he left he would have lost patience with himself as he is such a slow mover. 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 28/03/2022 09:37

@Bodgerbarbara

You won’t leave it though will you. Just because someone is ‘tall dark and handsome’ so what, accept anything? How sad.
Nah - I think I will leave it TBH. Its all a bit too weird and I was so upset about him going MIA - I assumed I would never hear from him again if I am honest.
OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 28/03/2022 09:46

How in the name of all that is holy can you be bothered with all this shit aged 35?

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 28/03/2022 09:46

@Whiskeypowers

How in the name of all that is holy can you be bothered with all this shit aged 35?
I can’t - its endless
OP posts:
RestedDevelopment · 28/03/2022 10:12

Hes gorgeous, tall and very successful (on paper) he could get many woman.

So was Ted Bundy and any amount of other (less murderous) abusive men.

I have not had sex with him And he knows that I would want to be in a relationship with someone I had known for a while for this to happen

Many abusive men see a boundary as a challenge to overcome - not the solid boundary you think they will respect.

What has he to gain from:

-not emailing/calling if he was that upset/worried/caring about you

He lives rent-free in your head as you wonder why he hasn’t been in touch

-showing you ‘evidence’ of initial attempts at contact when he had tried no other means

He DARVO’s you into being the person who hasn’t been in touch (when it was actually him)

And re previous red flags - I haven’t seen your other thread(s) so can’t comment on what those flags were but…

Are you thinking of them now (in light of his ‘screenshots’ and protestations of innocence and ‘hurt’) and wondering if you’ve made a mistake/wrong end of stick/maybe he had ‘good’ intentions?

It’s a ‘reset’ button. In one fell swoop he has you all over him and all consumed by what he might have meant/intended.

Clever, funny, handsome men can get away with a lot of abuse dressed up as ‘misunderstandings’.

Which is pathetic, of them, as how hard is it to be a decent human being?

If a person of either sex has a choice to be a decent human but regularly choses manipulative, controlling and abusive behaviours, then they are not worth wasting your time over.

And I speak from wasting many years of lovely youth and middle age on worrying about absolute arseholes who should never have been granted a millisecond.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 28/03/2022 10:15

@RestedDevelopment

Hes gorgeous, tall and very successful (on paper) he could get many woman.

So was Ted Bundy and any amount of other (less murderous) abusive men.

I have not had sex with him And he knows that I would want to be in a relationship with someone I had known for a while for this to happen

Many abusive men see a boundary as a challenge to overcome - not the solid boundary you think they will respect.

What has he to gain from:

-not emailing/calling if he was that upset/worried/caring about you

He lives rent-free in your head as you wonder why he hasn’t been in touch

-showing you ‘evidence’ of initial attempts at contact when he had tried no other means

He DARVO’s you into being the person who hasn’t been in touch (when it was actually him)

And re previous red flags - I haven’t seen your other thread(s) so can’t comment on what those flags were but…

Are you thinking of them now (in light of his ‘screenshots’ and protestations of innocence and ‘hurt’) and wondering if you’ve made a mistake/wrong end of stick/maybe he had ‘good’ intentions?

It’s a ‘reset’ button. In one fell swoop he has you all over him and all consumed by what he might have meant/intended.

Clever, funny, handsome men can get away with a lot of abuse dressed up as ‘misunderstandings’.

Which is pathetic, of them, as how hard is it to be a decent human being?

If a person of either sex has a choice to be a decent human but regularly choses manipulative, controlling and abusive behaviours, then they are not worth wasting your time over.

And I speak from wasting many years of lovely youth and middle age on worrying about absolute arseholes who should never have been granted a millisecond.

This is great post - Thank You. What is DARVO?
OP posts:
Whiskeypowers · 28/03/2022 10:16

@Trippingslippingx1

Well if you can’t be bothered what’s this thread all about ?
@RestedDevelopment has this person bang to rights.
Just block him and get on with your actual life not this juvenile head fuck.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 28/03/2022 10:41

[quote Whiskeypowers]@Trippingslippingx1

Well if you can’t be bothered what’s this thread all about ?
@RestedDevelopment has this person bang to rights.
Just block him and get on with your actual life not this juvenile head fuck.[/quote]
I think juvenile headfuck is accurate description. Just read about DARVO. Been victim to that many times.
Reason for post is to affirm my suspicions really that it is weird. I do not have much confidence in my decision making (bullied, previous abusive relationships) - I use MN as a forum to help me in situations where I have previously made poor decisions as the advice is very good and real.

OP posts:
RestedDevelopment · 28/03/2022 11:33

Sorry for using DAVRO without explaining what it was, glad you’ve looked it up though, and very sorry that you’ve experienced it before Flowers

The very caring, and stark where it needed to be, advice from MNers was invaluable to me in escaping, and staying free, from abuse.

You sound like you are exploring what healthy relationships look like before entering into anything sexual (which can drastically alter how we think!) and that’s such an emotionally intelligent thing to do.

Wishing you all the best and, as there are handsome, funny, smart, caring and very lovely men everywhere on the planet, I am sure you need never worry about ignoring those that don’t meet the very basics of human decency Flowers

billy1966 · 28/03/2022 11:40

Listen to your gut OP.

Move on.

Flowers
FrancescaContini · 28/03/2022 11:47

Too much aggro.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 28/03/2022 12:10

Lots of places in India have bad wifi. It depends on you really. Do you like him? Do you think he deserves another chance? Go with your gut. Only you can decide.
ID give him another chance. But Im a softie!

OverWorking9to5 · 28/03/2022 12:16

hmmm, he sat with the misunderstanding comfortably though, until just before his return.

If he'd really been concerned he would have rung you and said he wasn't sure if you got his messages. I think if he'd really liked you he would have been scared of this misunderstanding and he would have sent a normal old fashioned text. Did he do that?

I don't know, I'd just be quite matter of fact, no, didn't get your texts.

If you get any sense that he's trying to make you feel GUILTY, cut him right off.

OverWorking9to5 · 28/03/2022 12:20

@RestedDevelopment

Hes gorgeous, tall and very successful (on paper) he could get many woman.

So was Ted Bundy and any amount of other (less murderous) abusive men.

I have not had sex with him And he knows that I would want to be in a relationship with someone I had known for a while for this to happen

Many abusive men see a boundary as a challenge to overcome - not the solid boundary you think they will respect.

What has he to gain from:

-not emailing/calling if he was that upset/worried/caring about you

He lives rent-free in your head as you wonder why he hasn’t been in touch

-showing you ‘evidence’ of initial attempts at contact when he had tried no other means

He DARVO’s you into being the person who hasn’t been in touch (when it was actually him)

And re previous red flags - I haven’t seen your other thread(s) so can’t comment on what those flags were but…

Are you thinking of them now (in light of his ‘screenshots’ and protestations of innocence and ‘hurt’) and wondering if you’ve made a mistake/wrong end of stick/maybe he had ‘good’ intentions?

It’s a ‘reset’ button. In one fell swoop he has you all over him and all consumed by what he might have meant/intended.

Clever, funny, handsome men can get away with a lot of abuse dressed up as ‘misunderstandings’.

Which is pathetic, of them, as how hard is it to be a decent human being?

If a person of either sex has a choice to be a decent human but regularly choses manipulative, controlling and abusive behaviours, then they are not worth wasting your time over.

And I speak from wasting many years of lovely youth and middle age on worrying about absolute arseholes who should never have been granted a millisecond.

Agree with this take.

DARVO, deny, attack, reverse victim offender, it's a classic defensive technique.

my mother doesn't even realise she's using it. But if you say ''you hurt me'' she will martyr up instantly, outraged, she is the victim of your attack and she is so hurt. So she has literally reversed the victim and the offender. She is the victim of the hurt she caused me.

This is a classic technique that narcissists, defensive people and players can use to manipulate people in to giving them another chance or ignoring their own needs, or feeling bad for having any needs at all, or feeling bad for having a boundary and saying no.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 28/03/2022 13:24

I think the bottom line is he doesnt like me that much 😂
Anyway onwards and upwards

OP posts:
Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 29/03/2022 08:05

Thanks for all the advice. Thats him been dumped and blocked. Onwards and upwards. ❣️ Heading for drinks with my friend tonight who was surprised I had put up with him this long, he works alongside him and does not like him much.

OP posts:
Journeynotdestination · 29/03/2022 08:36

Well done OP, feel great that you put boundaries in place before he really hurt you. Just continue to ignore him if he emails. Be strong & you’ll eventually meet a good un.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 29/03/2022 08:50

@Journeynotdestination

Well done OP, feel great that you put boundaries in place before he really hurt you. Just continue to ignore him if he emails. Be strong & you’ll eventually meet a good un.
He wont email 😂 he does not care - He was just using me. Probably for sex, which he did not get.
OP posts:
Itwasntmeright · 29/03/2022 08:56

Even giving him the benefit of the doubt and accepting that yes, he did send the Messages. He said he thought you wanted to be left alone, so why is he now getting in touch if he thinks you wanted to be left alone?

Itwasntmeright · 29/03/2022 09:00

Sorry, I read the whole thread apart from the couple of posts above mine. Well done for blocking him OP, he sounds like a twat.

TheMoreYouKnow · 29/03/2022 09:02

He likes the chase but couldn't be bothered halfway through. 1 outta 10 for effort.

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 29/03/2022 09:08

@TheMoreYouKnow

He likes the chase but couldn't be bothered halfway through. 1 outta 10 for effort.
I think hes just married or something. Such a weirdo. Weirdest dating situation I have ever been in.
OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 29/03/2022 09:10

You say there is no way he could have faked them, so why not carry on ? Is it that you had wrapped your head around it being a no goer and now you can’t u turn?

XYChromo · 29/03/2022 09:22

He probably doesn’t have your contact saved with the international dialling code so the messages are just hanging around in the ether!

Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 29/03/2022 09:27

@Ohyesiam

You say there is no way he could have faked them, so why not carry on ? Is it that you had wrapped your head around it being a no goer and now you can’t u turn?
Theres been more red flags than this prior to him leaving.
  • wanting to go ‘slow’
  • disappeared in the middle of a text chat one weekend and did not hear from him until Tuesday
  • when I told him I was going to Portugal myself he said ‘oh you might find a Portugese guy over there’
  • Saying he would have to ask his parents about marrying a European woman
  • wishy washy about how long he will stay in the UK as he may leave to go to Italy to focus on ‘art’ in a couple of years (!)
  • Once a week dates (if that) and only for a few hours
  • Not keen to stay over at any point
  • Being back on Bumble and using ‘travel mode’ back to my city during his most recent travels

On Sunday after he messaged me those messages - I sent a few simple texts back after we spoke - he has not responded to those. So essentially after saying ‘he had not ghosted’ - he has ghosted again to simple questions. Not heard from him again since Sunday. Had no idea where he is, when he is back and what his plans were.

It is not like he is messaging me saying - do you want to do something this weekend when I am back? I am so excited to see you.

Fucking waste of time.

Bear in mind I have known this guy for 10 months and dated him for 2. He was just messing me around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Trippingslippingx1 · 29/03/2022 09:32

I think we were just on different pages about the relationship to be honest.

If I had been seeing someone I would have sent them a few pictures messages or whatever when I was away and maybe spoke to them a couple of times.

He did not like me much before he left anyway, thats the bottom line.

OP posts:
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