Would you contact OW in this situation

[WorthEveryPenny2]

As far as I know, she didnt know about me either. He played it down saying they were casual and less than us. But they went on two holidays together whilst he was sleeping with me. So obviously she is „more” then what he told me. She is pregnant. Sounds like it was me who was a bit on the side.

She knows about me now. She made contact, I did not reply. she is not asking for any info. Part of me wants to just forget about it all. But part of me also wants some justice for what he has done. I am on fence if I should speak to her

Are you still together?

I probably would so that she knows the truth and not whatever he's told him.

But you are under no obligation. If you can't face it, don't do it.

Not together now

I was in this situation and I was the pregnant one. I needed closure at the the time and couldn't because I knew he wasn't telling me the truth. I would have really appreciated contact from the ow so I could know the truth.

Yes she deserves the truth. Or she will slowly go insane wondering.

He told me they were not a couple. Doing more digging it looks like they were certainly more of a couple than us

I wouldn't necessarily initiate contact, but as she has contacted you I would reply to her.

@SurfWaves the fact that she is not calling me to ask about it, makes me wonder if she actually does want to know..

I was in a similar situation many years ago. Sick of listening to his lies and excuses. So I messaged the OW. She kindly sent me all the messages. We never fell out or argued didn’t blame each other. We just got the truth from each other’s side. We were both played.
I’m so glad I did. I dread to think how much more of my life I could have wasted with that loser.

I agree with speaking to her, she deserves to know the truth not what he decides to tell her
But only if you are up to it - although I think it might help you to heal too (little bit of ‘revenge’ as he won’t be getting away with it?)

I deleted all conversations with him, everything. I can’t show her anything now.
Him and I did lots of non vanilla sex and I dont want any of it to be dragged out

Why did she make contact? Does she think you knew about her? I'd at least set her straight on that

If it was me I would reply.
She’s probably just wanting to know what’s happened. You don’t need to be explicit about the type of sex but can explain that you knew nothing about her and you realise how you were the bit on the side and that’s upsetting.

Yes i would to put her out of her misery

I replied. I will leave it to her now to reach out.
It never crossed my mind, but she could think I am this horrible OW - if he portrayed me as such

I contacted ow. There was no arguing, name calling or blame. Just putting the story straight. We were both victims of lies and manipulation. She always thought something didn't add up and he always had an answer.

It was comforting in a way. He always blamed me, it's helped learning it's not me. If she's taken a step to reach out she's already driven herself bonkers and needs to know she's not imagining it.

Taking that step is huge, you never know the response. I appreciated the OW hearing me out and believing me.

It occured to me today, perhaps she still doesnt know about me.. It would make sense, he lied and covered so much already and she is not replying to text now.

I can contact her direct through other means but would you in that situation? (she might not even be pregnant.. I just go on what he told me)

@cleanbreak2022 did you have her details? Did she expect you to get in touch?

@WorthEveryPenny2

It occured to me today, perhaps she still doesnt know about me.. It would make sense, he lied and covered so much already and she is not replying to text now.

I can contact her direct through other means but would you in that situation? (she might not even be pregnant.. I just go on what he told me)

You said she made contact? How can she not know about you?

What was that contact?

What did she actually say?

@excelledyourself it was a text message. Very brief, just asking if it was my number ..
But now I think it could have been fabricated by him. We dont share any social circles. There is no way I can validate any of this without going direct to her

If I was in a relationship with him (appears they are) and found out - I would kick up the fuss. She hasn’t despite having my number..

@WorthEveryPenny2 she knew of my existence but had no idea he was with me. He had told her I had run off with someone else 1-2 years prior which wasn't the case. He was having an affair with her.
She most definitely did not expect my call or my visit to her home. I was not aggressive in anyway, I just wanted answers. Turns out she had suspicions about him too. I came along with some missing jigsaw pieces and everything made sense.

@WorthEveryPenny2

If I was in a relationship with him (appears they are) and found out - I would kick up the fuss. She hasn’t despite having my number..

If she is pregnant she maybe getting things straight in her mind as much as she possibly can. My experience is there will most likely be many fabrications, the elaborate lies almost make you question your own reality. Of course there are some women/men who knowingly get involved with married people. Then there are the 'bits in the side' that never knew that was their role to play.

@cleanbreak2022 my concern now that if she is pregnant, am I being mean and vindictive by wanting to contact her and speak about it? I was played, we both were, but part of me says that I should now leave them to it and not get involved at all..
I know I have tendency to minimise and it’s almost as I trauma-bonded with him to some extent and feel sorry for him!