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Original poster

Too old

34 replies

CouldShouldWont · 26/03/2022 13:07

In the last couple of months I’ve got to know a colleague quite well and really like him. He’s in an overseas office so it’s online meetings mainly and chat.

We work in the same field and I find him funny interesting and really attractive. He’s single and early 40s, 43.

Last weekend he mentioned he had feelings for me, I said I felt that we were definitely friends and lets see how it goes.

Thing is I’m 50 and I’m quite sensitive that I’m getting older. One of his friends is dating a 19 year old and the last guy I dated started dating a 24 year old and ghosted me. I look younger and he thought I was younger than him so I just sort of slipped into happy messaging and plans to meet in person when work allowed.

Anyway today he asked me directly, that Id said I was a similar age to another colleague but he didn’t know how old. I first said the age of the colleague and then said that I’m a bit older and that I’d said I’d make a good big sister - I feel so sad - even though I knew it was a fantasy. He’s not really replied.

I also have covid and maybe I’m feeling a bit sad and emotional and vulnerable (and look awful) I just wish I wasn’t so old. It’s a nothing thing really it began and ended in less than a heartbeat but just needed to let it out

OP posts:
SoLongAgo · 26/03/2022 13:34

Ok.

I'm 47. I'm not old.

Most of my friends and my boyfriend are in their mid to late 50s. None of them are old!

Some of us play in a punk band together (I play bass guitar); some still have mohicans...

Last year, when I was single, I had a fling with a 25 year old, who certainly didn't think I was too old! Wink

This has nothing to do with your age and is all about how you feel about. Change how you feel about it.

He's not really replied because you pushed him away by telling him you'd make a really good big sister. Not because you're 50 Flowers

SunshineAndFizz · 26/03/2022 13:38

Age is just a number - go for it. Have confidence in it and own it. If you like him don't second guess what he might/might not like - he's told you he likes you so give it a go. Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

Watchkeys · 26/03/2022 14:11

We have that age difference. It's not a thing.

This is just like anything else. If you decide to be insecure about it, it can ruin things for you. But objectively, it's not an issue. It's up to you.

Personally I love the smile lines and the life experience: very very attractive, and in a much deeper way than youth ever could be.

Arewethebadguys · 26/03/2022 14:16

You're feeling shit with the covid so probably not doing your most rational thinking. He's said he has feelings for you - that's a definite win! If he's backing off now after finding out your age then that's also a win because he must be a total nob.

Take some time to get well and then do something for yourself that makes you feel good! Oh and 50 is not old!

Feel better soon Flowers

Lurking9to5 · 26/03/2022 14:17

I don't know, if you met online I'd say you're pushing water uphill but he likes you, he sees you as more than your age. He sees you as YOU.

Don't take yourself out of the running because you have decided that he cannot possibly see you as more than your age. I'm 51 and my last relationship was with a man six years younger than I am and he would get back with me, but........ well, irrelevant to this thread.

I wouldn't do OLD though. But in real life if you click that's worth a lot.

Lurking9to5 · 26/03/2022 14:18

Is he backing off because he knows you're 50? or is he backing off because you have told him you see him as an older sister or something?

PersephonePomegranate · 26/03/2022 14:22

That's really no age difference at all. You're both established adults, there's no power indifference here, perhaps you're over-thinking? Being unwell right now, certainly won't be helping you out.

SoLongAgo · 26/03/2022 14:44

If he's backing off now after finding out your age then that's also a win because he must be a total nob.

I don't think it is because of her age.

I think she skirted around the issue, was quite cryptic and then told him she'd be a good big sister (to him?)

If I were him, I'd take that as a bit of a brush off.

Original poster
CouldShouldWont · 26/03/2022 14:54

Well I don’t think I handled it in the best way possible. He said age didn’t matter and then I said I thought I’d make a great big sister. I’ve initiated a conversation since about the topic we were chatting about before he asked my age he acknowledged it with an emoji but didn’t respond…

Definitely a bit of covid tiredness I’ve had it since Tuesday and getting more tired not less. So usually I don’t feel old at all but today I do

Thank you everyone for your kind words - I think I have to hold onto I’m not different to who I was before, in looks or life, I need to be a bit less like the last puppy in the rescue centre.

Ultimately it’s the very beginning and if it goes nowhere I’ve not lost anything

I’ll take today to sleep off covid and come off social media and online platforms where I’ll see him, and just carry on being the same then he can come to me or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
CouldShouldWont · 26/03/2022 14:55

@SoLongAgo yeah that’s what I did wrong

Sad
OP posts:
FurStories · 26/03/2022 14:59

I'm afraid I agree with SoLong, replying to his interest with I'd be your big sister could very much be seen as a brush off. For goodness sake he said he had feelings for you!

That said:-

  1. Was he trying to find out your "actual age". When men do this post-40, I think its a bit weird. (I think it means they're attracted to you but wonder if its wrong Shock.
  1. I agree, being 50+ for a woman, age can become a sensitive issue. In fact, I think its almost "shameful". Which is why all the Real Housewives and various actresses, Carol Vordeman (she looks younger every time I see her on TV!) etc do all this botox/filler stuff, to get away from the "shame" of being an older woman. Its a bit sad really.

I've come to think there's no way round this but to embrace it. Still look your best if you like to (I do), but forget about entrancing someone simply by virtue of being 'young'.

I'm 58 so nearly 10 years older than you - weirdly the last couple of years since I've been more 'out and about' travelling (not OLD - shudder), I've had more interest from men than one would expect. However, not true love material, just all rather random and surprising. But I do get where you're coming from OP. I think all one can do is be 'oneself' as much as poss, enjoy and experience life on one's own terms, which is a great thrill in and of itself. PS Maybe its too late to back pedal now, but the difference between 43 and 50 is miniscule in the scheme of things.

FurStories · 26/03/2022 14:59

just seen your further post OP.

Runnerduck34 · 26/03/2022 15:06

A 7 year age gap is fine imo. Perfectly normal and average.
It's society that can sometimes frown on a woman being older than a man, which logically is ridiculous.
I would cringe at a 40 something dating dating a 19 year old though!
However as a fellow 50 year-old woman it can be hard realising my fertile years are behind me and accepting I am older ,even though don't want a baby!
So in that respect there is a difference between a 43 year old man and a 50 year old woman.
Clearly you look fantastic if you can easily pass for someone younger, lucky you! Enjoy the attention and be honest and confident in your age, if a man discounts a relationship because of your age he's not the one for you.

Original poster
CouldShouldWont · 26/03/2022 15:09

Yes I’m ashamed I guess

I don’t know how to roll it back now though - if it was a normal day I’d have just either dodged it or told him I felt 43!

I haven’t got Botox or fillers but a lot of my friends do and look amazing, and have men in their 20s after them. I’m not that confident or out there. I’ve not liked anyone for a long long time and him saying he was developing feelings for me was…. beyond amazing

Now I feel sad that I’m still messing things up at 50 (but I’m feeling a bit super dramatic as covid 5th day blues)

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 26/03/2022 15:12

My husband is 6 years younger than me. I was 50 when we met and it has never been an issue.

Aprilx · 26/03/2022 15:16

Well I am 51 and my husband is 4 years younger, which is not that much different to your age gap with his guy, but I haven’t given it a moments thiught.

He has not answered you because you have told him that you are friends and that you are a big sister.

Caminante · 26/03/2022 15:18

If you get on well, can't you make a joke about rewinding the conversation and answering it differently this time? As in, feed him a line like I don't mind an age gap if you don't, or I don't have sisterly feelings towards you at all, I really like you, just anything yo keep talking about it. I feel that you're in danger of throwing away something lovely because you're afraid. He clearly likes you!

Mumteedum · 26/03/2022 15:24

You're being a silly sausage because you're feeling unwell and down on yourself. Definitely rewind. He told you he likes you. So tell him you felt a bit worried about your age and what he'd think but you are interested and to forget the big sister comment. What's the worst that could happen?

FurStories · 26/03/2022 15:46

Yes, OP, I think its one of the great unspoken things - shame at getting older, obviously especially for a woman. I understand it because I've felt it, and the attendant awkwardness in OLD, in real-life, etc.

But I can't do the botox blah route (even if I could afford it and I can't) because I consider that would be a step further and totally buying into the shame (quite literally), and I refuse to do that.

Funnily enough, now I'm nearly 60 and couldn't give so much of a stuff, maybe men pick up on that, cos I've had a few out of the blue approaches from younger or same-age men in the last couple of years. But I must still accept that alot, if not all, my romantic life is behind me and there is a sadness in that (though in another sense I am more romantically sensitive/alive than ever). So in a sense I also understand why women do all this botox nonsense, but I just think its ultimately self-defeating.

Original poster
CouldShouldWont · 26/03/2022 16:25

I should have just kept it light and a bit of a fantasy

and refused to get into emotional stuff while I had covid

OP posts:
Badbaddog · 26/03/2022 16:30

Shame at getting older? What?? I don’t understand this at all. With each passing year I’m prouder and prouder of myself for surviving!

My partner is 6.5 years younger than me, I’m 59 and we’ve been seeing each other for three years. I’m so glad he’s younger as he’s still got a very high sex drive, as do I - so many men go off the boil in their 50s.

Reach out to him again OP, once you’ve shaken off the Covid blues. Good luck

Lily2075 · 26/03/2022 16:33

Hi OP sorry you are feeling poorly I hope you feel better soon. Don't let this one go - he likes you and you like him. Why don't you just be honest and not play games and say sorry I didn't mean the big sister thing and then ask him what he fancies doing when you meet up. 7 years is nothing at all and who cares about age anyway, attraction is attraction.

Lily2075 · 26/03/2022 16:37

Think you need to make it clear that you fancy him because he's already said he liked you and you didn't say it back and now you've said he could be like a little brother to you...

Lottiesnanny · 26/03/2022 18:45

Very recently separated after a really awful few years. I’m 65 and felt I couldn’t continue being unhappy and depressed a minute longer with a man who drinks way too much is miserable calls me horrible names and spent weeks ignoring me.

The house we live in is mortgage free but he refuses to sell he wants me to take 10% of the equity which would be about 25,000 and take my name off the deeds .
We have no children together and only been married 10 years . His reasoning is his hard work buying run down houses and selling on got us to where we are now mortgage free.
Forgetting I contributed decorating and gardening and getting them looking lovely.
Anyway I am seriously considering the offer as I just want to be free of him ,I can’t rent or buy again I’m too old and only work part time.

I live with my daughter who is a widow now, and she wants me to stay with her so I won’t be homeless. .
I’m too tired and broke to fight him on this
But wondered what advise you would all give ?

Original poster
CouldShouldWont · 26/03/2022 19:17

@Lottiesnanny that sounds awful I’m so sorry

I think you should make your own thread as you’ll need lots of good advice separately from my little woe - I’ll let mumsnet know and they can help if you are not sure x

OP posts:
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