Too old

[CouldShouldWont]

In the last couple of months I’ve got to know a colleague quite well and really like him. He’s in an overseas office so it’s online meetings mainly and chat.

We work in the same field and I find him funny interesting and really attractive. He’s single and early 40s, 43.

Last weekend he mentioned he had feelings for me, I said I felt that we were definitely friends and lets see how it goes.

Thing is I’m 50 and I’m quite sensitive that I’m getting older. One of his friends is dating a 19 year old and the last guy I dated started dating a 24 year old and ghosted me. I look younger and he thought I was younger than him so I just sort of slipped into happy messaging and plans to meet in person when work allowed.

Anyway today he asked me directly, that Id said I was a similar age to another colleague but he didn’t know how old. I first said the age of the colleague and then said that I’m a bit older and that I’d said I’d make a good big sister - I feel so sad - even though I knew it was a fantasy. He’s not really replied.

I also have covid and maybe I’m feeling a bit sad and emotional and vulnerable (and look awful) I just wish I wasn’t so old. It’s a nothing thing really it began and ended in less than a heartbeat but just needed to let it out

Well I had a chat with him just about random stuff he was showing me on one of his interests.

He wasn’t as warm and affectionate but it sounds like he’s not that well - he said he’d rest and chat later.

I think I’ll just see if it resets through work and interests. I’ve been exactly myself apart from the first bit - with your help everyone!!

Plus the last guy that asked me out was 38 and I just laughed and said let’s do friends instead and we are - so I’m 50 fit healthy except for covid and I mostly think young - it only cause I’m a bit low - if he changes then he does, it could be for any reason at this stage but I was honest which is a good basis if it does develop.

I need to channel my inner Brigitte Macron!

These differences in ages you give are really not that big, CouldShouldWont! Even 38 and 50. Certainly not from where I’m standing. I do think women are really unnecessarily self conscious about this sort of thing. I’m beginning to wonder if many (not all) women are so self-conscious about stuff it’s a wonder we get though our day. Hope your Covid’s better soon!

Yes I’m ashamed I guess

What exactly is it you're ashamed of?

Not having died yet? Because that's the reality. That's the only way any of us aren't going to age. I refused to be ashamed because I haven't died yet and that might offend some men...

Was he trying to find out your "actual age". When men do this post-40, I think its a bit weird. (I think it means they're attracted to you but wonder if its wrong

I don't think it's weird to want to know how old someone is. I would always want to know someone's age if I were considering dating them. Some men do have an issue with women being 'older' - I once dated someone who went off me when I turned 40. He was 43. But these are the men who are actively chasing 19 year olds. Not the ones who are attracted to women around their own age - even if they don't know exactly what her age is. And there's nothing wrong with asking. Or answering directly and honestly. Your age is a reflection of how long you've been on the planet. Not your worth as a human being.

To me when you said 'I'm make a good big sister' the message he got was 'you're too young and you've been friend zoned'.

If you'd like more than friends then tell him that you like him too and were just afraid your age might have put him off - then ask him straight up if it has and if he'd rather you just stayed friends. The great thing about getting to 50 is that you can cut through all the bullshit and game playing and cut straight to the chase.

I’m 52 and just had covid. I wasn’t very unwell at all but it did affect my mood.

I would definitely date a 43 year old! I’m young in my head, and it would suit me well.

@Gowithme

To me when you said 'I'm make a good big sister' the message he got was 'you're too young and you've been friend zoned'.

If you'd like more than friends then tell him that you like him too and were just afraid your age might have put him off - then ask him straight up if it has and if he'd rather you just stayed friends. The great thing about getting to 50 is that you can cut through all the bullshit and game playing and cut straight to the chase.

100% agree with this. If a bloke said to me "I'd make a good big brother" I would read that as "I'm not interested in you as more than a friend and am telling you as gently as possible."

Then I'd stop messaging them beyond work talk and light hearted jokey stuff. Because I wouldn't want them to think I was still hankering after a date.

You've really got in your own way here OP!

Your age isn't the issue, it's your attitude towards it that's the problem. Why do you think being 50 is something to be ashamed of?

This man liked you. But you've lied about your age (to start with), given him a couple of brush-offs (we're definitely friends / I'd make a great big sister) and made it know you're ashamed of your age. All those things could easily put someone off. You are projecting to him someone who is insecure, willing to lie and not a romantic prospect.

This could have been a great relationship! Hopefully you will be able to recover the conversation and see if this goes somewhere. Perhaps if you're honest with about about why, then loosen up a bit and enjoy him, I really hope you can.

You've managed to block your own opportunity here!

@Lottiesnanny don't accept his offer. Start your own thread and get a solicitor. He's taking the piss massively. If you had half the equity you could buy somewhere. You don't have to fight him, that's the solicitors job!

OP I agree with the others. You really like him yet you gave him the brush off twice! Even if you've subsequently told him how you feel, you've still given out mixed signals. If by some stroke of luck you haven't blown it with him, can you do some reading around self-sabotage to try to get yourself back on track? Otherwise you two are doomed (by you!).

By telling him you'd make a great big sister, you told him very clearly that you are not interested in a relationship with him.
That is why he has gone quiet.

If you like him, you need to communicate that openly and clearly to him now. Ball is in your court.