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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so ashamed of myself

32 replies

Rosepetaljam · 26/03/2022 12:53

NC for this. Sorry it's so long.

I'm writing this to get it out of my head, to try and sort my thoughts out. I feel so stupid, humiliated, gullible. I've always thought of myself as a sensible, reasonable intelligent person. Other people think of me as having common sense. I can't talk to anyone in real life, I'm too ashamed.

How did I manage to become entwined in a situation where I allowed someone - where I gave someone - all my money to leave me basically in penuary?

Six years ago I met a man who, I know now, love bombed me. I've always been quite a lonely person, shy and I find it hard to make friends. I was flattered, I felt loved and wanted. Looking back it started quite quickly - could he borrow £200 while he was waiting for a friend to pay him back money he was owed. It grew and grew - he had the opportunity to invest in a business, could I give him £2000. He bought a car that I paid for - obviously it had to be suitable for a man wanting to make an impression on the world. More business opportunities, money to pay for private medical treatment for a relative who was suffering on a waiting list. I went through all my savings - a lot of money that I was going to use to buy a flat for myself - and I was giving him all my salary when I was paid. i was buying my clothes from charity shops while he was shopping in Selfridges.

I knew I was being taken advantage of but it was like I was under a spell that controlled me. Everytime I met up with him I wished that I wasn't. Almost everyday my thoughts would be "I don't want to do this, this is damaging me" but I carried on. I can't explain it. I didn't love him, I knew he didn't love me and knew by this time he was meeting other women. But, and I hate myself for saying this, I ddn't want to let him down, didn't want to be unkind.

I can't think about how much money I gave him. It distresses me too much and I've attempted suicide because I hate myself so much for being so ridiculous, a stupid old woman. I feel so ashamed - I can't say I was conned because I gave money with my own free will.

This is the first time I have ever told anyone about this. I can't say I wasn't warned - so many magazine articles discussing this very topic. Please don't judge me too harshly.

OP posts:
lemongreentea · 26/03/2022 12:58

oh OP I'm sorry. you made a mistake so no point beating yoursel up over it. this has happened to a lot of women so you are not the only one to be taken in by this sort of man.

instead of feeling bad why not look at therapy to see why you were vulnerable to this sort of scam con-artist and work on building up yout self-esteem so it doesnt happen again Flowers

GeneLovesJezebel · 26/03/2022 13:00

He is in the wrong, not you.
Be kind and forgive yourself, but learn from it so it doesn’t happen again.

Opaljewel · 26/03/2022 13:00

All you can do is put one foot in front of another from this day forward. There is no point of anyone going over what has been done and bashing you.

You cannot change the past. All you can do is learn from it and move forward with the knowledge that you have now.

I hope telling that gave you some peace. Now it's out, forgive yourself.

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 26/03/2022 13:02

You have nothing to be ashamed of, op, you have done nothing wrong. The man who fleeced you, however, should whither in shame.

You were manipulated and taken advantage of, which makes you a victim of a thief.

Please reach to a good therapist for support in rebuilding your self esteem and - importantly - forgive yourself. Flowers

Ops1 · 26/03/2022 13:03

Aw op im sorry this happened to you!

These con men are so manipulative its, and your right it is prevalent in the media (tinder swindler....) but that doesn't mean people wont still fall for them.

Your not the first you sadly wont be the last Flowers

JohannSebastianBach · 26/03/2022 13:03

He's to blame, he's a con artist and knew exactly what he was doing.
Don't be so hard on yourself op Flowers

AgentProvocateur · 26/03/2022 13:05

You can’t change what’s happened and you have nothing to be ashamed of. The utter prick who bled you dry should be thoroughly ashamed. I hope you’ve completely blocked him from all forms of contact now. The reality is, he may be back for more money when he moves on from his next victim.

I know it’s easier said than done, but try and put it behind you.

jugglerofballs · 26/03/2022 13:07

You WERE conned! This is not your fault. Be kind to yourself OP Flowers

Whatsmyname100 · 26/03/2022 13:10

If anyone should be ashamed it's him. Forgive yourself, you are human and you made a mistake. It may have been a costly one, but it's one that certainly doesn't mean that you still can't go on to live a happy life. There are so many con men preying on vulnerable women, you are not alone. So sorry you had to go through this Flowers

accentdusoleil · 26/03/2022 13:15

Are you still in contact with him?

Be proud of yourself for stopping it and walking away.

He is the one in the wrong but now you need to look out for yourself and that starts with being kind to yourself and forgiving yourself

BlueSlate · 26/03/2022 13:27

You have nothing to be ashamed of, op, you have done nothing wrong. The man who fleeced you, however, should whither in shame

He was in the wrong obviously but surely she has to take some responsibility for repeatedly giving away all of her money and not seeing any of it repaid..?

Why are women so conditioned to 'be nice' and why does common sense never kick in with some women?

Utterly baffles me.

SunshineAndFizz · 26/03/2022 13:32

If you haven't left him yet, please do it right now. And report him to the police - please don't feel embarrassed - this isn't your fault and he'll do it again to someone else.

whenwilliwillibefamous · 26/03/2022 13:44

OP people do stupid things ALL THE TIME, and psychology is still in its relative infancy - we're still not really clear about WHY, a lot of the time, it takes a lot of unpicking.

Shame is a natural disinclination to let people in general know that you are vulnerable, because, well, some people can't be trusted not to take advantage. If you see your feelings of shame as a natural protection of this kind, perhaps you'll be able to tolerate them better?

PPs have recommended counseling/therapy, which seems like a good idea - particularly anything which can strengthen your ability to listen to and act on your trusted inner voice. Of course you're upset and disturbed that you "knew" you should be stepping away, but somehow another part of you just.wasn't.playing.ball. Of course you want to know why! A good therapist will talk about your childhood and influences and perhaps suggest exercises to help put the "real you" back in charge.

On your own you can read up about psychology, neurology, the effect of trauma and your childhood on the brain. Steve Peter's "Chimp Paradox" and Bessel van der Kok's "The Body Keeps The Score" are both good, easy to read books about how everything links up.

Please try not to let this destroy your future, OP. So, so many people make decisions they regret. So many. The unwise marriage, the poor investment... and just think about all the people in Ukraine who wish they'd fled to Poland a few weeks ago... the people who let in "a man from the water company", the people who sent money to someone pretending to be their child with a new phone...the people who smoke or drink too much or eat the wrong things. Our brains are fallible. We screw up. But the future is as yet unwritten. Flowers

FarFarFarAndAway · 26/03/2022 13:46

It might not make you feel better OP but you are not alone- watch the Tinder Swindler and also Bad Vegan on Netflix and you will see lovely attractive sensible women who gave a lot of money to con-men who they were in relationships with.

I'm sorry you feel so bad about it, but I think you just have to say you made a bad decision, but you are NOT a bad person. He was the bad person. You were a kind person with an overly obliging sense of niceness and wanting to please.

You don't need to feel any shame about this, I fell for a con recently which was by text/online and lost several thousand pounds, although I managed to retrieve some of it, and I felt very stupid, but of course I am not a bad person for doing this whatsoever, the bad people are those who have conned us.

inmyslippers · 26/03/2022 13:53

He's the one that should be ashamed. I imagine you're going to move through a whole spectrum
of emotions. Hope you've now got rid

Gazelda · 26/03/2022 13:55

Don't feel ashamed. He conned you.

Many, many other people are being conned every day. I'm glad you've realised what's happened. Can you draw a line under it, learn and then look forward?

Have you now ended your links with him?

JovialNickname · 26/03/2022 13:55

He manipulated you, and these people are very clever. He played on your kind nature and yes maybe, you were a little gullible. But you are where you are now, don't hate yourself, you were just kind, a little too kind. Also intelligence doesn't always equal street smart and that's OK. Don't be too harsh on yourself x

JovialNickname · 26/03/2022 13:58

And you have to start again, with what you have now. Draw a line under everything else (I hope for God's sake you've cut all ties with this man) and start afresh. Don't look at what you've lost (other than maybe undertaking counselling to see why you were susceptible to this man). Don't look back look forward

HeDidWhattt · 26/03/2022 14:02

Look at it this way, you’ve learned a lesson and won’t be making the mistake again….so now your golden.

It’s in the past now, more on with your new knowledge, it’s just money, you can save it up again.

Don’t be hard on yourself, we all do stupid things really.

WonderfulYou · 26/03/2022 14:09

He should be the one that’s ashamed, not you.

I know it must be hard but you need to learn from your mistakes and move on.
The best way to do that is by helping people not fall for this themselves. Maybe you could start a thread on here with red flags up look out for or what to do if they think they might be getting love bombed.

WonderfulYou · 26/03/2022 14:10

I saw this the other day.

I feel so ashamed of myself
RoundGlass · 26/03/2022 14:28

Oh OP, you made a mistake which you won't be doing again.

Learn and move on from it.

GandTfortea · 26/03/2022 14:31

Op ,no offence
But you sound vulnerable,and I would report it to the police ,you have been taken advantage of ,as a vulnerable person …maybe they won’t do anything,maybe they will ,but if he tries it again,the police would have your report to add to someone else’s

emeraldjones · 26/03/2022 14:36

I can't say I was conned because I gave money with my own free will

Umm yes you were conned. He conned you into believing he had feelings for you and used your kindness against you.

As others have said, report him to the police and try to find some way of contacting others he may have already preyed on.

You have nothing to be ashamed of - try and be angry instead. That's what he deserves.

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 26/03/2022 14:38

He manipulated the money from you - you gave it to him "willingly" but he set the stage for you to give it to him "willingly" - that is what a con is or otherwise it would be theft.

I know someone in the middle of being conned and I talk and I talk and I explain and I point out - and nothing sinks in with her. It is like she is under a spell.

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