I feel so ashamed of myself

[Rosepetaljam]

NC for this. Sorry it's so long.

I'm writing this to get it out of my head, to try and sort my thoughts out. I feel so stupid, humiliated, gullible. I've always thought of myself as a sensible, reasonable intelligent person. Other people think of me as having common sense. I can't talk to anyone in real life, I'm too ashamed.

How did I manage to become entwined in a situation where I allowed someone - where I gave someone - all my money to leave me basically in penuary?

Six years ago I met a man who, I know now, love bombed me. I've always been quite a lonely person, shy and I find it hard to make friends. I was flattered, I felt loved and wanted. Looking back it started quite quickly - could he borrow £200 while he was waiting for a friend to pay him back money he was owed. It grew and grew - he had the opportunity to invest in a business, could I give him £2000. He bought a car that I paid for - obviously it had to be suitable for a man wanting to make an impression on the world. More business opportunities, money to pay for private medical treatment for a relative who was suffering on a waiting list. I went through all my savings - a lot of money that I was going to use to buy a flat for myself - and I was giving him all my salary when I was paid. i was buying my clothes from charity shops while he was shopping in Selfridges.

I knew I was being taken advantage of but it was like I was under a spell that controlled me. Everytime I met up with him I wished that I wasn't. Almost everyday my thoughts would be "I don't want to do this, this is damaging me" but I carried on. I can't explain it. I didn't love him, I knew he didn't love me and knew by this time he was meeting other women. But, and I hate myself for saying this, I ddn't want to let him down, didn't want to be unkind.

I can't think about how much money I gave him. It distresses me too much and I've attempted suicide because I hate myself so much for being so ridiculous, a stupid old woman. I feel so ashamed - I can't say I was conned because I gave money with my own free will.

This is the first time I have ever told anyone about this. I can't say I wasn't warned - so many magazine articles discussing this very topic. Please don't judge me too harshly.

You're not still in contact are you?
Many people don't seek help after they've been conned. I think it makes people feel very ashamed. The fact that you knew it was wrong but kept doing it must be very uncomfortable and distressing.
But, you must forgive yourself and get some closure. Don't let this rob you of future happiness too.

Yes, report to police. I think (not certain, hopefully someone with legal knowledge can clarify) that if you have proof the money you gave was a loan (text messages etc) you can claim through civil court.

But definitely police and see what they say. Also counselling xxx

I'm not still in touch with him and have no idea where he is. I saw him once when I was driving and I was scared that he would see me. He was the sort of person who saw everything down to the last detail - part of his look out for a scam, I suppose.

I did have some counselling but it was to try and understand why I couldn't walk away from him and I didn't mention the money at all, I was too embarrassed. The counselling didn't really help - my counsellor was frustrated, I think, because she said I refused to see what he really was. I told her something one day and the next week she raised it again, she said she'd spoken to her supervisor about it and they had come to the conclusion it counted as domestic violence (he used to drive very very fast then do an emergency stop at the same time releasing my seat belt so I was flung forward). She said she thought that he would think nothing of killing me and him and his friends disposing of my body. That did stay in my mind, and that coupled with one of his friends coming to see me and telling me that this man was a very bad man and I should leave him, eventially led to me having the strength to leave.

I now have very bad social anxiety. I find almost any excuse not to leave home. I am in floods of tears whenever I see a "For Sale" sign because I know now I won't ever own my own flat and it's my own fault. Seeing dogs has the same effect - I've always had dogs and I'm not allowed on now in my rented flat.

Mumsnet also opened my eyes a lot. When I joined I started reading about red flags and love bombing and this made me realise a lot about the relationship I had with this person.

Oh my goodness - it sounds like you got tangled up with a sociopath!

Be kind to yourself, OP. You are a victim here.

This is not your fault. People like him are utter scum. You are kind and some utter fucker took advantage of that. Please be gentle on yourself. It can literally happen to anyone.

I am so sorry. He did a terrible thing and he is the enemy here. You are worth so much more than this. You have taken the first step by writing it down here and acknowledging what has happened to you. Well done. You will get through this

Instead of feeling ashamed and attempting suicide you should be sooooo proud for having the courage to leave the bastard!!

This is more than just him taking your money and others would have stayed out of fear

Honestly well done to you!!!!!!