To give another chance or red flag for future behaviour?

[Brightstar29]

So last night went on a second date with a guy, we had already had one date a few weeks ago which went really well. He lives in a different town to me about an hour away so I booked a hotel as for me was too soon to stay at his. So we went for food and and drinks and were having a good night but as the night went on it was clear that he was more drunk than me. He said he had had 2 beers with a friend before meeting me. So towards the end of the night he went outside for a smoke and we had agreed we were going to leave after that. I was finishing my drink inside and realised he had been out a while so I went outside to look for him and he had gone. I rang him and he said he thought I had gone back to my hotel (well no because he would have seen me walk outside past him to do that ) and said he was on his way to a friends and asked me if I wanted to meet him there to carry on drinking. Erm no thanks I’ll go back to my hotel. Luckily taxi rank was right outside. I was not happy and I texted him that. I then woke up to loads of apology messages from him, asking for another chance etc and he tried ringing me etc. I told my friend and she was livid that he had left me on my own in a strange town. So to give another chance or red flag for future behaviour? It’s a shame because first date was really good and been enjoying getting to know him. At the point where he was really drunk he did also keep asking to come back to my hotel but I kept putting the boundary in place.

Depends. Do you want to be treated like this in your future relationship, @Brightstar29?

Woah it's a big fat no from me.

As pp have said, at date 2 he should be doing what he can to show his best side. But he prioritised trying to get in your hotel room / drinking / smoking / leaving without letting you know so he could carry on drinking with someone else.

He can be as sorry as he likes, but if that's how he acts when he's trying to impress someone, what will he be like when he gets a bit complacent and comfortable??!!

Why wouldn't he text you to ask where you had gone if he thought you had left without even saying goodbye. What if you had been drugged or kidnapped Or did just leave without saying goodbye. He should have at least checked you were safe as he flounced off to his friends.

Move on and find better x

no, that's weird. And his story that he thought you'd gone back to your hotel would make me lose all respect for him. So you would leave without saying goodbye (that's what HE did). If you left the hotel you would have seen him if he'd been outside but you didn't. So he's lying about where he was/what prompted him to leave you and he's saying that he though you did what he did to him

Don't over think it trying to decide if you should have x amount of empathy or not, or rock hard boundaries of flexible boundaries, that thinking can leave you so uncertain of what to do.

Simpler way to go forward (and I'm a people pleaser with weak boundaries, raised in a family where any kind of self-expression or boundary infuriated my mother and made her the victim of you) is to get really turned off by somebody not valuing your time. Get turned off by the fact that he gave you some bullshit story about thinking YOU'd left him without saying goodbye (when that is precisely what he did to you). Don't worry about either of you proving your right to your response in a court of law. Just listen to your reaction. Have your response. You're entitled to it. Your reaction is that this doesn't add up. Right? Respond by getting turned off.

If you're turned off rather than agonising over whether or not he deserves another chance then it's easier.

Who cares if he ''deserves'' another chance or not.

The thing to focus on is that you're not in to this any more.

It sounds to me like he did one because he realised he wasn't going to get the ride off you when you declined his request to come back to your hotel room. Then when you messaged him, he thought he might get it off you if he could lure you to his mate's and ply you with more drink.
He's a waste of time OP, and he put you in a risky position leaving you on your won in a strange place, so he's a bit of a pig too. Not good at all! Dump him, block and move on. Sorry!

P.S. And him trying to cod you he thought YOU'D left means he's a liar too! Avoid, avoid, avoid!

He has a drinking problem.

Hotel for someone an hour away is too much. That's a normal work commute. It sends the wrong message.

Why would you give him another chance? He's got a drinking problem and he thinks 'no' is the start of a negotiation. Raise your bar, please!

Oh come on.

What a terrible lie of an excuse. If he thought you'd left him why wouldn't he have texted you? You did that when you realised he had gone - that's a normal reaction.

Plus trying to get back to your hotel room more than once after you already said no is another no-no.

You'd have to be insane to ever see him again, and it's actually unbelievable that you haven't already blocked him. Honestly, what are you thinking?

More red flags than a communist party convention. You would have to be insane to see that loser again.

@2Gen

P.S. And him trying to cod you he thought YOU'D left means he's a liar too! Avoid, avoid, avoid!

⏫⏫⏫⏫⏫

What?! No! Absolutely no way does he get another chance. Block and run.

This man has alcohol issues. I was married to an alcoholic and this was the kind of thing he did from fairly early on - not on the second date though!

He's a Soviet May Day parade.

No way. Pushing to come back to your hotel and leaving you alone in his town to go drinking? If he couldn't see you, and you'd been getting on fine, surely he would have given you a call before leaving to check you were ok? These are his true colours.

@Brightstar29

So last night went on a second date with a guy, we had already had one date a few weeks ago which went really well. He lives in a different town to me about an hour away so I booked a hotel as for me was too soon to stay at his. So we went for food and and drinks and were having a good night but as the night went on it was clear that he was more drunk than me. He said he had had 2 beers with a friend before meeting me. So towards the end of the night he went outside for a smoke and we had agreed we were going to leave after that. I was finishing my drink inside and realised he had been out a while so I went outside to look for him and he had gone. I rang him and he said he thought I had gone back to my hotel (well no because he would have seen me walk outside past him to do that ) and said he was on his way to a friends and asked me if I wanted to meet him there to carry on drinking. Erm no thanks I’ll go back to my hotel. Luckily taxi rank was right outside. I was not happy and I texted him that. I then woke up to loads of apology messages from him, asking for another chance etc and he tried ringing me etc. I told my friend and she was livid that he had left me on my own in a strange town. So to give another chance or red flag for future behaviour? It’s a shame because first date was really good and been enjoying getting to know him. At the point where he was really drunk he did also keep asking to come back to my hotel but I kept putting the boundary in place.

It’s a no from me!!!!

@Brightstar29

So last night went on a second date with a guy, we had already had one date a few weeks ago which went really well. He lives in a different town to me about an hour away so I booked a hotel as for me was too soon to stay at his. So we went for food and and drinks and were having a good night but as the night went on it was clear that he was more drunk than me. He said he had had 2 beers with a friend before meeting me. So towards the end of the night he went outside for a smoke and we had agreed we were going to leave after that. I was finishing my drink inside and realised he had been out a while so I went outside to look for him and he had gone. I rang him and he said he thought I had gone back to my hotel (well no because he would have seen me walk outside past him to do that ) and said he was on his way to a friends and asked me if I wanted to meet him there to carry on drinking. Erm no thanks I’ll go back to my hotel. Luckily taxi rank was right outside. I was not happy and I texted him that. I then woke up to loads of apology messages from him, asking for another chance etc and he tried ringing me etc. I told my friend and she was livid that he had left me on my own in a strange town. So to give another chance or red flag for future behaviour? It’s a shame because first date was really good and been enjoying getting to know him. At the point where he was really drunk he did also keep asking to come back to my hotel but I kept putting the boundary in place.

I’m surprised you really need to ask !! Block and move on. He realized he wasn’t getting a shag and went to his Nate’s house. Disrespectful and a definite no no

He asked me a few days ago if I still wanted to see him after that and I said honestly I don’t know. He messaged me on Mother’s Day to say he’s thinking of me (my mum passed away a few years ago) and I said thanks but haven’t heard from his since. Now having time to think about it and taking into account other peoples reactions I’m going to leave it because it’s such a red flag for future behaviour but a shame because things went well before that. By coincidence I also had another guy who ended things with me in February after a few dates try to get back in with me over the weekend and gave me loads of abuse when I said no and I had to block him. Why does OLD have to be so hard?!

Appalling behaviour!