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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To give another chance or red flag for future behaviour?

69 replies

Brightstar29 · 26/03/2022 10:13

So last night went on a second date with a guy, we had already had one date a few weeks ago which went really well. He lives in a different town to me about an hour away so I booked a hotel as for me was too soon to stay at his. So we went for food and and drinks and were having a good night but as the night went on it was clear that he was more drunk than me. He said he had had 2 beers with a friend before meeting me. So towards the end of the night he went outside for a smoke and we had agreed we were going to leave after that. I was finishing my drink inside and realised he had been out a while so I went outside to look for him and he had gone. I rang him and he said he thought I had gone back to my hotel (well no because he would have seen me walk outside past him to do that Hmm) and said he was on his way to a friends and asked me if I wanted to meet him there to carry on drinking. Erm no thanks I’ll go back to my hotel. Luckily taxi rank was right outside. I was not happy and I texted him that. I then woke up to loads of apology messages from him, asking for another chance etc and he tried ringing me etc. I told my friend and she was livid that he had left me on my own in a strange town. So to give another chance or red flag for future behaviour? It’s a shame because first date was really good and been enjoying getting to know him. At the point where he was really drunk he did also keep asking to come back to my hotel but I kept putting the boundary in place.

OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 26/03/2022 11:01

I think he was just shitfaced. I bet the two drinks with a friend was four. So I would slightly let him off for the behaviour. But I’d be really Hmm about having lots of drinks before he met me. That seems really stupid. Especially given that he can’t handle that amount.

Underfrighter · 26/03/2022 11:03

Either he was absolutely shit faced and he cant handle his drink, and is a dick when he is drunk
Or he is a liar, he just got a better offer and was a bit tipsy so took it

Either way none of these things will magically change

So I'd bin him off. Unless there is a slim chance he came inside to look for you and couldn't see you because you went to the toilet or something and he genuinely thought youd done a runner. But if you were at the table the whole time then not worth it

me4real · 26/03/2022 11:06

No. Sounds like an alkie or binge drinker, and his behaviour is already crap.

Margaretmatcher · 26/03/2022 11:14

Nah no second chance. Surely when you start out on a relationship you want to make a good impression jeez can you imagine his behaviour in the future if you overlook this.

GreyCarpet · 26/03/2022 11:23

God, no. Definitely wouldn't give a second chance.

This is him at his best...

IsThePopeCatholic · 26/03/2022 11:24

No, no, no.

PeacefulPrune · 26/03/2022 11:26

Forget him

Gwegowygwiggs · 26/03/2022 11:27

The issue isn't whether it's a "red flag" or not, the issue is whether you're willing to go on another date with a guy who's clearly just a bit of a knob

LindaEllen · 26/03/2022 11:28

He turned up already half cut, abandoned you, and then didn't come back when he realised (if he genuinely didn't already know) what he had done.

No thank you. Run while you're not in too deep.

GrendelsGrandma · 26/03/2022 11:33

This is him on his best behaviour! Yuck. I wouldn't go near a smoker either tbh

FrancescaContini · 26/03/2022 11:33

Shock No way should he have a second chance from you!

Beamur · 26/03/2022 11:36

@GreyCarpet

God, no. Definitely wouldn't give a second chance.

This is him at his best...

This! Run away and don't look back.
Grimsknee · 26/03/2022 11:36

This is the entire Chinese Defence Forces on parade!

KylieCharlene · 26/03/2022 11:43

My first thought was once he knew you weren't letting him come back to your hotel he called a 'friend with benefits'.
I think he knew you would say no to further drinking so he was safe using this excuse.

Lottapianos · 26/03/2022 11:52

'This is the entire Chinese Defence Forces on parade!'

😂

Going to be borrowing that one!

NigellaLawdaughter · 26/03/2022 11:53

This would be unacceptable at any stage of
a relationship -- but just the second date???

No No No and NO!

He obviously didn't give much of a crap about you.
Please have more self respect, than he did for you.

SantaHat · 26/03/2022 11:54

On a second date? Are you kidding?
Don’t waste another second even wondering about this. Get him gone.

Pinkbonbon · 26/03/2022 11:58

Nah, he sounds like an alky. People who get that drunk on dates and sandwich you in before and after a drinking session with their palls-alcohol issues.

Either that or they are deliberately making it clear you are not a priority.

Wouldn't be surprised if him funking off was a half baked plan to leave you feeling vulnerable tbh. Maybe in the hopes you'd screw him if he came back.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 26/03/2022 12:01

No. Definitely not. I assume he also lied about the phoning you? And why did you have to go to his town? Was the first date in your town? Not that it matters, but I think it's often a clue as to how much effort will be made going forward, for future reference.

DonnyBurrito · 26/03/2022 12:03

Think how much this pissed you off, and you don't have any real strong feelings for him yet. Don't give him another chance as eventually those strong feelings will develop. He will continue to do this shit, and it will hurt 100x worse in the future when you are banging your head against a wall wondering why he doesn't care about you like you care about him. Don't set yourself up for that hurt. He's shown you who he is; believe him.

Obviously speaking from experience 😂🤦‍♀️

Brightstar29 · 26/03/2022 12:43

Yeah I think I know the answer. He’s been really apologetic and the empath in me struggles to say no. But rationally I know I need to keep boundaries with this one. Yeah the first date was in my town.

OP posts:
Thatnameistaken · 26/03/2022 13:15

My guess is he left to join his mates when he realised sex wasn't on the cards.

Butterfly44 · 26/03/2022 13:18

Drunk ...and going on for more drinking?
Eeerrr no, not a good look.

PunishmentRoundupWithJoon · 26/03/2022 13:48

He decided to not to hang around when it was clear that sex wasn't going to happen. Complete tosser. Don't fall for his apologies, they're just a way to reel you back in.

SparklingLime · 26/03/2022 13:51

@Brightstar29

Yeah I think I know the answer. He’s been really apologetic and the empath in me struggles to say no. But rationally I know I need to keep boundaries with this one. Yeah the first date was in my town.
I don’t think that’s the empath in you, more like the overly keen to be optimistic plus wobbly boundaries part of you.