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Original poster

Have I been a bitch?

28 replies

Undecidedandtorn · 25/03/2022 20:31

I've seeing someone very casually for the last year and a bit - both see other people and hang out every couple of months of so. He can be a bit flaky at times but he's not my bf or anything so I just let it go - I'm a pretty laid back and 51 with lots going on (kids, work ect).

Last time I saw him he told me that he had developed feelings for me and I told him that I felt the same. He asked me if I was seeing anyone else and I said no. We agreed we needed to talk about things but he was starting a new job the next day and just wanted to keep his head clear - no problem. Then over the next few weeks lots of stuff happen with his family then I got covid then he was sick ect. I also have my kids every other week so there are lots of times I couldn't make it when he could.

Finally get a night we can both do which is tonight . He is meant to be here at 5. It gets to 6 and he isn't here. I message to see where he is and he said sorry - his dad is sick and he has had to go and see him (its a ferry ride away). I say sorry about your dad but if you had let me know earlier I could have made other plans. He's now saying I'm giving him a hard time which he doesn't need. His dad needed CPR and he's freaking out.

I absolutely believe him about his dad but I did give him a hard time for not letting me know he wasn't coming. AIBU here ? I am torn between thinking I have been a bitch and that it wasn't unreasonable for him to say he should have let me know. I asked him if he remembered he was meant to come (I can be very insecure) which might have been a bit far.

OP posts:

Minikievs · 25/03/2022 20:36

I don't think you've been a bitch per se, but there's a big difference between his dad being a bit poorly (shit excuse) and needing CPR (you will have been one of the last things on his mind in that situation I'd guess)

Shamoo · 25/03/2022 20:37

His dad needed CPR! Of course he’s freaking out and his mind is elsewhere. I think you’ve probably not handled it very well!

Fatgalslim · 25/03/2022 20:39

Hmm, it's a classic bullshit excuse to say a relative is ill IMO. My ex told me his daughter had a serious asthma attack once when he was supposed to come round, turns out it was bollocks

Fatgalslim · 25/03/2022 20:40

And he wasn't the only one

Smackthepony · 25/03/2022 20:40

Takes 2 secs to send a text. No excuse! Millions of people everyday deal with sick children and or family members and still manage to have courtesy and manners.

tribpot · 25/03/2022 20:42

It depends a bit on the timing of things. When did his dad need CPR? Today? If yes, it's hardly surprising he wasn't thinking about anything other than needing to get to his dad. If this happened earlier in the week and he went to see his dad today, that's a bit different.

I suppose given the length of time between when you made the plan to meet up and today, it might have been a good idea to text anyway to confirm the plan was still on.

5128gap · 25/03/2022 20:43

I think on this occasion he could be excused as it sounds serious and in the panic its understandable he overlooked letting you know. I think it was a bit off to say he should have let you know so you could make other plans, (rather than because you were worried for example), as it does sound a bit uncaring in the circumstances. I wouldn't like the general flakiness though and would have had words about that by now, but your timing was off and if it were me I'd apologise.

Original poster

Undecidedandtorn · 25/03/2022 20:48

To be honest I was pretty hungover today which didn't help. His dad needed CPR today - he got a call when he was at work. I guess I had been a bit frustrated and could have handled it better.

OP posts:

LeroyJenkinssss · 25/03/2022 20:52

So at some point today he gets a phone call that his dad needed cpr, he had to drop everything and try and get on a ferry?? Tbh I can 100% see why he forgot to text you. I would be extremely upset and wouldn’t probably thinking anything beyond the ‘oh my god my dad is going to die’ and certainly not about my plans for that evening!!

Sisisimone · 25/03/2022 20:53

If I got a call at work saying my dad needed CPR I wouldn't be wasting a second texting anyone tbh. Telling him that he should have told you so you could make other plans sounds massively insensitive. Really twattish actually, I think I would tell you to fuck off

SheKnowsWithoutKnowing · 25/03/2022 20:53

You didn't know at first how sick his father was and given his casual, flaky past I don't think what you said was out of line.

Him not wanting to discuss your situation because he's starting a new job the next day, is him copping out though, he may have feelings but he seems a commitment phobe, like something is always going to crop up preventing you from being official.

Original poster

Undecidedandtorn · 25/03/2022 20:59

@Sisisimone

Now I have have time to reflect I can see how it may have been twattish. I think I had got it in my head he had just changed his mind or forgotten (which would have been super upsetting) which I think says more about me than anything

OP posts:

Sandinmyhooves · 25/03/2022 21:03

I think I had got it in my head he had just changed his mind or forgotten (which would have been super upsetting) which I think says more about me than anything.

I would agree there. Today is an exception but I don’t think you’re instincts are off to feel he’s been blowing you off.

Original poster

Undecidedandtorn · 25/03/2022 21:12

@SheKnowsWithoutKnowing

You didn't know at first how sick his father was and given his casual, flaky past I don't think what you said was out of line.

I honestly didn't know it was that serious. Maybe your right about him - It felt like it was ok being casual but once he said something I started thinking about it.

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Walkingalot · 25/03/2022 21:15

As awful as the situation with his Dad sounds, I'm sure he could have found 2 seconds to send a msg. You obviously aren't important to him.
I'd apologise (giving him the benefit of the doubt) and then let him get on with it, wait for him to contact you. But don't sit around waiting.

Original poster

Undecidedandtorn · 25/03/2022 21:25

@Sandinmyhooves

I think I had got it in my head he had just changed his mind or forgotten (which would have been super upsetting) which I think says more about me than anything.

I would agree there. Today is an exception but I don’t think you’re instincts are off to feel he’s been blowing you off.

This is it - if it had been anyone else that I had plans with and they hadn't shown up I would assume that something had happened and sent a message saying " I thought we were meeting. Hope everything is OK - I am a bit worried about you" or something along those lines.

OP posts:

Sisisimone · 25/03/2022 21:45

Sounds like he has you tied in knots a bit. I think if you felt secure with him and you cared for each other the first thought would have been to check he was OK not that he was fucking you over (assuming you're not usually a thoughtless fucker ). Maybe time to reassess whether this relationship is good for you.

CrowUpNorth · 25/03/2022 22:09

"Sorry about earlier, hadnt realised it was so serious. Let me know whether there is anything I can do to help, otherwise speak later. Hope your dad has a quick recovery."

Original poster

Undecidedandtorn · 25/03/2022 22:38

@Sisisimone

). Maybe time to reassess whether this relationship is good for you.

I'm honestly not normally so thoughtless and normally give him and everyone else the benefit of the doubt. I guess casual felt fun but now we are in this limbo place I'm not feeling very secure.

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saraclara · 25/03/2022 23:09

@Smackthepony

Takes 2 secs to send a text. No excuse! Millions of people everyday deal with sick children and or family members and still manage to have courtesy and manners.

Seriously? I'm sorry but if someone in my immediate family needed CPR, was rushed into hospital and I was needed there, I'm pretty certain that any other plans would got flying out of my head.

Original poster

Undecidedandtorn · 25/03/2022 23:58

Thanks for all your response. I apologised to him and he said not to sweat it, his dad is doing OK (but still in hospital) and we have been whatapping for a while.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 26/03/2022 00:59

This stands out to me: he was starting a new job the next day so needed to keep his head clear but chose that occasion to declare his feelings.

That’s bullshit isn’t it?

I suspect him of dicking around with you.

knowinglesseveryday · 26/03/2022 03:51

I was wondering if he could be married?

Comtesse · 26/03/2022 08:22

How were you supposed to know his father had been so ill? Asking him where he is - fine. Saying I wish you’d let me know where you were - also fine. Making a big fuss when you believe his relative has been very unwell - not fine.

Original poster

Undecidedandtorn · 26/03/2022 11:01

@knowinglesseveryday

I was wondering if he could be married?

I've been to his place and seen his Facebook updates - there is no way he is married. He moved to London when his last relationship broke down and we were friends before we started seeing each other

OP posts:

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