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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is financial abuse isn't it?

28 replies

moita · 25/03/2022 12:18

I've been with my OH ten years: two children.

He's always been anti-marriage and I was upset with this but accepted it. I'll be honest I was very young and naive when we met but had a good job so was independent money wise.

I've been a SAHM for a few years as youngest was born with health problems.

Things chugged along but the past year I've been very unhappy money-wise.

He pays for most things but I use my money to pay for clothes for the kids and me, days out, school things etc.

Things have got so much more expensive and I took on a very part-time job to help but it doesn't cover everything. OH refuses to get a joint account so I have to ask for money. I find this very humiliating.

Today I need petrol but can't afford to fill the car up. He won't give me his card so I'm waiting for him to go and fill it up for me.

I do wonder if he likes this control- I feel like a child asking a parent for money :/

Surely this isn't healthy? By the way I have no debt other than student loans from my degree and am a good bargain hunter: kids clothes are mostly second hand so it's not as though I would be out emptying our account.

I feel very embarrassed. I'm planning on going back to work properly once youngest is in school in September but I don't think I can go on like this.

OP posts:
Motnight · 25/03/2022 12:22

It is financial abuse, Op.

callmeblondie · 25/03/2022 12:23

Yes, it's financial abuse. Do you have someone you can turn to IRL? Women's Aid?

Houstonjane · 25/03/2022 12:27

You are being financially abused. Please speak to Womens Aid, the charity Surviving Economic Abuse, is very good and has a relatively new survivors forum.

Flatandhappy · 25/03/2022 12:30

Yes, it absolutely is (and I say this as someone who works with abuse, not just a random with an opinion). This needs to change or you need to leave.

Dacquoise · 25/03/2022 12:58

Yes it is. You have effectively taken the hit for looking after your children and he hasn't accommodated that, leaving you penniless. Do you want to remain in this relationship? Do you have your name on the house deeds/mortgage if you have one?

DenholmElliot · 25/03/2022 13:12

Yes, it's financial abuse.

0penALLTours · 25/03/2022 13:21

Are they his children?

Good enough to have children with
But you are not good enough to share a bank account with

That is why I have never been financially dependent on another person

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 25/03/2022 13:54

Yes he has stolen your labour and childcare and used it to build his career while enjoying a family and damaging your career opportunities. He has not even had the decency to give you the protection of marriage.

0penALLTours · 25/03/2022 14:18

Why are you not considered to an equal in this relationship?

You may be better off being single & working, claiming some benefits & child maintenance

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/03/2022 14:20

Your relationship is over or should be now because of the financial abuse. I would also think he is abusive towards you in other ways as well; such men are rarely just financially abusive. Such men also do not change; they merely further ramp up the power and control against their chosen target.

I also think he will sabotage any and all attempts you make to get back into the workplace. How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. Would you be willing here to contact Womens Aid?.

Are you named on any mortgage or tenancy agreement?.

LactoseTheIntolerant · 25/03/2022 14:24

And will he pay for childcare when you go back to work, or will he expect you to do that? Will he expect you to do the majority of childcare/ housework whilst working too? He's effectively got a free nanny at the moment who will also pay for kids clothes etc. It's not OK, you shouldn't need to ask, or be made to feel bad.
I think you need to lay down some conditions or think about leaving.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/03/2022 14:27

You really have no power in this relationship at all and he likely chose you as well because you were indeed young and naive at the time.

The best course of action here is to leave.

billy1966 · 25/03/2022 15:39

Absolutely financially being abused.

Women's aid should be your first call.

Do you receive any benefits?

He is abusing you so you need to find out can you access help for you and your children.

Tell family and friends the truth.
Flowers

KELLOGSspeck · 25/03/2022 15:43

How was you managing before taking on a part time job OP?

Hideous man. Do you have family? I would leave immediate

MrsBerthaRochester · 25/03/2022 19:21

Yes absolutely financial abuse. I had the exact same with my xh(although married) refused to have joint account didnt give me a penny as he "paid for everything". I had to use the cb to buy everything for kids and scrimped every penny(would go through his pockets for change)
Eventually he started giving me £20 a week which I had to ask for. In the last year of our marriage I would just take his card and order stuff and he told me I was a thief lol.
Contact womans aid and seek advice on benefits. Its not easy as I am split from mine years now and he is still controlling me through money.

helloyoutoo8 · 25/03/2022 19:39

Will he let you add his bank card to your iPhones Apple Pay wallet? He can technically keep his card, but you can spend the essentials on his card once it's added to your phone? It's a blessing if he agrees. Ask him and see what he says? X

Mojoj · 25/03/2022 19:44

You should think seriously about going it alone. He's getting it all his own way. You're degree educated. You'll find a job and will manage. And take him for everything.

Butwhybecause · 25/03/2022 19:50

Other posters have said it all.

Tread carefully, he sounds very controlling and you would be better alone, with your children. He needs to recognise that what he is doing is totally wrong but he probably won't change.

Flowers be strong, good luck

feelingfree17 · 25/03/2022 21:35

Take the card and go fill your tank right up.
Controlling, financially abusive bully.
I would seriously look in to going it alone. Plenty of benefits for him with you being a SAHM.

Milomonster · 25/03/2022 21:56

I went through this. I really didn’t see it was financial abuse until recently. It was utterly degrading. I lived through 13 years of it. You said it - feeling like a child asking for handouts.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/03/2022 07:01

Darling get back to work
And then make your plans
And be very clear as not married the financial legalities don’t favour your especially
Other than child maintenance

ninnynonny · 26/03/2022 07:05

@helloyoutoo8

Will he let you add his bank card to your iPhones Apple Pay wallet? He can technically keep his card, but you can spend the essentials on his card once it's added to your phone? It's a blessing if he agrees. Ask him and see what he says? X
Not everyone has an iphone! There are similar options on androids.
Milomonster · 26/03/2022 11:41

@ninnynonny what a pedantic and unhelpful response. This post isn’t about operating systems, and I’m sure OP is intelligent enough to discern what she needs to do if her DP doesn’t have an iPhone but has an Android.

ninnynonny · 26/03/2022 13:30

I just get fed up with the assumption that everyone has Apple this and iphone that. Can't people just put 'your phone'?

Orchidsonthetable · 26/03/2022 13:37

How much does he earn, it may or may not be financial abuse, Ie it won’t be if he pays for everything as you say and there’s nothing left.

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