Mourning and a Funeral

[JenBee24]

My father passed away a few days ago and my sister is flying in from Canada with her family to attend the funeral. She has a 3 year old and a 4 month old. She wants to bring them to the funeral because she says everyone she would trust to babysit will be at the funeral and she doesn't want to leave her 3 year old with someone he hasn't spent much time with. I'm there to mourn my father and don't want the kids getting fussy and my sister getting stressed because they're fussy and then me having to help her look after them. My kids (5 and 7) will not be going and I don't think hers should either. She was quite upset and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. Any opinions?

I'm really sorry that you have lost your father.
It's been said many times that grief is a very personal, individual process.
You prefer that your children are not present at the funeral and your dsis prefers that hers are there. Neither view is unreasonable but I do feel that you are unreasonable to object to your sister's choice.
The most recent funeral I attended was a dear friend who died much too young. His 1 year old granddaughter was at the service and it didn't impact on the proceedings at all. There were tears and laughter in the shared memories.

People's viewpoints differ on this. For me, cose family come to the funerals of close relatives, children included. Also personal, I believe that children who witness others grieving and seeing death as an intricate part of life are better equipped to deal with emotional stresses as they grow.

I’m really sorry for your loss. With regard to your sister bringing her kids to the funeral you are being unreasonable.

Would you have left your child with a someone he/she didn't know, at 3yo? Especially a child who has just endured a long haul flight, is in a strange country and with someone you don't know either.

Would your df have minded a bit of grandchild noise?

perhaps you can help your dsis to get through it with toys/food for her dcs.

I'm sorry for your loss.

YAB completely U. Sorry.

She's had the same bereavement of you and prefers to be with her family. Perhaps she will be able to relax more at the funeral knowing her kids are safely with her (I would feel like this too).
Just because your children are happy to be left, perhaps with their other grandparents or a known and trusted person in a familiar environment, does not mean that their little Canadian cousin is ok to be left too.

Its personal choice but I'm a big believer in children attending funerals. If they have had a relationship with the deceased it helps them to have closure in the same way it does for adults. I'm very sorry for your loss

I'm sorry for your loss, losing a parent must be horrendous, but you're being unreasonable on this. She's grieving too and don't want to leave her children will people she doesn't trust.

Who is looking after your children?

Ultimately if she wants them there you cant stop her, but you alsp don't have to engage with them if you dont want to.
Is there a partner coming with her who can be responsible for the children during the ceremony, taking them outside if necessary?

Children are a great distraction before and afterwards, certainly.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I am afraid I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. Your sister is grieving too and she wants to bring her children. I think most people will be very tolerant of slightly fussy children (it's not as if she is some distant friend/relative bringing kids along for no reason!). But if they are disturbing things too much, is there someone who would be happy to step outside with them for a bit. That's what we have done with grandchildren at my parents' funerals. At my mum's funeral my niece was only about 2. There is a big difference between leaving a 3 yr old behind altogether, and having someone step outside with them for 15 minutes if need be. I think you need to let your sister play this by ear and see how it goes. If you wanted to be helpful you could help her find people who would be willing to help in the moment if need be.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I appreciate you want mourn your father at his funeral, and mourn your way. But she also needs to do it her way.

I'm very sorry you have lost your father but I'm completely with your sister, and I'm very surprised you are excluding your children from their grandfather's funeral. Not only should you sister be able to bring her children but other family members will expect them to be there.

In my experience children do not disturb funerals, I organise them and attend one most weeks so I've been in a lot of funerals!

Yabu her children are still family. It's her choice whether she takes them and tbh I wouldn't leave my children with people they don't know or haven't met either.

The difference is your children will probably be familiar with the people who they are being left with. Your sister is travelling a huge distance .

I had a funeral on Monday and my not quite 2 year old and my 9 month old both attended, they barely made a murmur and you would've been hard pressed to know they were there. You are doing you by not taking your children, let your DSis do her by taking hers.

But presumably your kids will be going to school as normal??
I think your sister is nbu.

yabu - exactly what is she supposed to do with her own children?

I'm so sorry for your loss but you're definitely being unreasonable.

I wouldn't leave kids that age with a random babysitter either. And she might just want them close to her during a difficult day.

Thinking back, OP, I took DS to a funeral when he was about 4 months old.

He helped, gave people something else to focus on and talk about, to avoid becoming too distressed. Maybe your dsis' children will be the same.

So sorry for your loss. However I think yabu....it might be her preference to have her dc (which is her choice) but more than that, she doesn't have much alternative.

Would you have flown to a foreign country and left your dc with a stranger when they were 1 & 3?

Yabu- it's not your choice. Personally I wouldn't have my children at a funeral but I can understand why other people would.

When my DMIL died our two DC came - they were then 4 and 6m - and were no trouble at all. As others have said, it gave people something else to focus on.

I also think YABU to expect her to leave her children with strangers. I wouldn’t be comfortable with that.

I'm so sorry for your loss its incredibly difficult to lose a parent. I do think you are bring unreasonable. Your sister is travelling from another country with very young children so its not surprising that she doesn't want to leave them with anyone. It's fine that you don't want to bring your children but your sister should be able to make her own choices she is grieving aswell.

I also think you need to remember that her children will be confused and be experiencing their mother's grief, the best place for them is by her side.

I'm sorry for your loss. I took my newborn baby to my father's funeral. She slept through most of it and I think brought some joy to a very sad situation. Would your father have minded a bit of chatter from his grandchildren? If not then I think you really should be more accommodating of your sister and her children.

I'm Irish so funerals here might be different. Here it really depends on the age and on the parent.

If it's a particularly upsetting one then babies or toddlers might be left with a trusted neighbour down the back of the church but only if the child knows the person beforehand and won't kick off.

Older children up to about 7, well, the handbag is filled with mini colouring books and pencils to keep them quiet during mass.

Older than that, they'd be expected to sit quietly in the church and pay attention.

I don't really see that your sister has much of a choice given the circumstances. Is there a cousin that could help out during key moments for you all.

Is your BIL coming too?