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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC with in laws when you have children

38 replies

Tygertyger555 · 24/03/2022 07:50

How has anyone managed this?

I posted on here a few months back about my in laws and everyone advised either nc or to leave my husband(!). In laws want to meet up soon and just the thought leaves me in tears. DH doesn't drive and my kids are very young so i have to be there to transport them (I don't think I could leave them without me anyway). What do I do? Has anyone else made this work?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/03/2022 07:57

You do not have to meet these people if you do not want to, it’s a request after all and not a summons. If they are too toxic/difficult or otherwise too batshit for YOU to deal with, it’s the same deal for your kids too. Why would you subject your children to people like this, to people whom the very thought of meeting leaves you feeling tearful?. You would not tolerate this from a friend, the in-laws are no different.

Do you have your husband’s full support here when it comes to his parents?. Or is he a wet blanket when it comes to them because of his own inertia and still wanting their approval?.

BettyBotte · 24/03/2022 07:59

Hi, I didn't see your previous threat so don't know how bad things are with your inlaws? Can you just switch off emotionally from them? I had to with mine. I was NC for a while but it upset DH so much and was so difficult with family events that I resumed low contact but I basically smile and nod. I've been smiling and nodding for 30 years 😂

BettyBotte · 24/03/2022 08:00

*Thread not threat!

mindutopia · 24/03/2022 08:55

We were NC with MIL for a time (well, dc and I) and we are all NC with my family - both unfortunately for similar reasons related to historical abuse. If your dh wants to maintain a relationship with his family, he needs to sort that relationship out. What if you weren't together? Would he never see his family because he can't drive? He needs to learn to drive, take public transport, or they could visit him and dc at your home but you will be away. It's not your job to facilitate the relationship if he otherwise isn't willing.

Rrrob · 24/03/2022 09:04

I didn’t see your previous thread but agree it’s DH’s responsibility to sort out meeting up. They could always come and meet near your house? Don’t feel pushed into facilitating their meet up. You’re clearly NC for a reason.

naomi81 · 24/03/2022 09:16

Similar situation, the dread on the run up is worse than actually being there, I would just focus on the kids whilst there and excuse yourself to the toilet if you need a breather. Make sure the meeting is no longer than an hour or so, make sure you have something planned that you need to go do xx

GodspeedJune · 24/03/2022 09:23

Is it really a good idea to expose your DC to people who leave you in tears?

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 24/03/2022 09:25

Why are you offering up your dc to appease such people? Blood relatives aren't legally entitled to see your dc..

Shoxfordian · 24/03/2022 10:34

Is your dh still in contact with them? Why are you letting them see your dc anyway if you’re nc with them?

Original poster
Tygertyger555 · 24/03/2022 10:42

They don't live in the same city, more like a 4-5 hour drive. SiL lives abroad. Husband is still in contact with his family but he is very supportive that he 'won't force me to do anything I don't want to do'. He's also fully aware over how they have been with me in the past. I don't want to go into too much detail again but it involves yelling at me, openly not inviting me/ excluding me and behaving so horrifically when DC were born that when I tell my friends they gasp in shock.
They're not even very nice to him but they are his family at the end of the day.
Thanks for all the advice everyone Smile

OP posts:
Duracellbunnywannabe · 24/03/2022 10:45

How old are your children?

MotherofTerriers · 24/03/2022 10:45

The in laws want to meet up. If your husband wants to see them he can fly/get the train/meet them half way/invite them to travel to where you live.
You don't want to meet up. So don't facilitate it or make your children available. Possibly realising that without your help they don't get to see their son may make them address their behaviour.
Your husband is supportive and won't make you do anything you don't want to - so dont back down now

SeasonFinale · 24/03/2022 10:46

He can get the train up to meet them I assume. Drop him, by himself, at the station (or let him get to the station by himself). That can be the level of your and your DC involvement if that is what you want. If you are happy for the DC to go too then again he can take them with him. If he can't drive that will be by public transport. Alternatively his parents can stay nearby and he can visit there. You do not have to put yourself out unless you want to for him.

Malariahilaria · 24/03/2022 10:48

Just don't go. Make the decision and relax. If they're vile then tell them you don't want to see them ever again - goodbye. Block numbers and get on with your life.

Original poster
Tygertyger555 · 24/03/2022 11:48

@Duracellbunnywannabe

How old are your children?
Very tiny. Both in nappies!
OP posts:
Duracellbunnywannabe · 24/03/2022 11:54

I had a feeling you were going to say that. Can you travel with them to a half ish way point. Leave him with the kids and PIL at family friendly place eg children’s museum and then collect him and the kids later or better still his parents travel here I would offer to help with local transport or allow them to be in my house but not see them at all myself.

Duracellbunnywannabe · 24/03/2022 11:54

Or he see them without the kids.

Garman · 24/03/2022 12:01

Drop them all off and go elsewhere, you're not supposed to be staying overnight in their house are you?

Warmhandscoldheart · 24/03/2022 12:03

No way would I want vile people anywhere near my DC. If your husband wants to see them he needs to use public transport. You don't have to facilitate this meeting, his family, his choice.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/03/2022 12:13

We’re NC with DH parents. They’ve said they consider him dead to them so they’ve never met our DD and never will. I understand they tell a different story but they’re horrific, the last time we saw them his mother physically attacked me, at a funeral, so he wants nothing to do with them ever again.

My mum should have cut her hateful awful parents off but she didn’t out of guilt and obligation, dad supported whatever she wanted but was frequently horrified by what they put her through - usually threats of suicide if she didn’t do as ordered - and it cast a long painful shadow over our family.

Keep your innocent children far away from people who have treated you so appallingly. If you don’t want to be around them it’s literally insane to consider letting them within miles of your babies.

Original poster
Tygertyger555 · 24/03/2022 13:47

I wouldn't be able to leave my kids with my in laws without me. The moment the scales fell from my eyes after decades of use and abuse were after dc were born. On one occasion, photos of my youngest were met with bile and vitriol because DH had dared be busy with his young family rather than be at their beck and call.
It's so helpful to know I'm not the only one. It's tough because I'm sure none of us want to fall out with a family member but sometimes it feels like that's what these in laws are banking on. I'm sure I'll be the wicked witch of the west my MiL has been making me out to be since day 1 as I won't let her see gc

OP posts:
Garman · 24/03/2022 14:41

You cant even leave them there with their father? Because if you won't even leave them with him and inlaws then you just have to say no to the visit, there isn't really any other option is there?

Hoppinggreen · 24/03/2022 14:42

Do nothing
Don’t stop contact but dont facilitate it, leave it all up to your H
If he can’t/won’t do it then that’s not your fault

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/03/2022 14:44

You have tried with them but they are nasty and also not amenable to any reasoned argument. Your inlaws for whatever reason in their heads have decided to conduct their own private based war against you as well.

Be that so called wicked witch of the west then. You need to protect your children from such malign influences. Address any and all fear, obligation and guilt you have through counselling, at the very least do read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

Thankfully your DH is supportive and he won't force you to do anything you don't want to do. Am not at all surprised either that they are nasty to him as well. There's reasons why SIL lives abroad too and her parents behaviours may have a lot to do with that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/03/2022 14:47

They being family too is no reason for his parents to be seeing your children particularly in view of how they have behaved towards you both.

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