NC with in laws when you have children

[Tygertyger555]

How has anyone managed this?

I posted on here a few months back about my in laws and everyone advised either nc or to leave my husband(!). In laws want to meet up soon and just the thought leaves me in tears. DH doesn't drive and my kids are very young so i have to be there to transport them (I don't think I could leave them without me anyway). What do I do? Has anyone else made this work?

If people were so awful that I refused to have them in my life, I would do nothing to help them be part of my children's lives

@IncompleteSenten

If people were so awful that I refused to have them in my life, I would do nothing to help them be part of my children's lives

This…

I’m NC with my parents and they will never meet my DC

People who are vile enough for their own family to go NC are vile people full stop.

If they have so little self control that they can’t behave in a reasonable way around you, they aren’t suddenly going to magic up self control and niceness the when they are around your children

If you are horrible, you don’t get nice things - we are all taught that from toddlers. Your in-laws were horrible so they don’t get to play happy families.

Nope, your children at that age are an extension of you. You have gone NC for very valid reasons. If they are too toxic for a grown woman, then they are too toxic to be around the tiny children she birthed. They would be just another way to abuse you via them.

There's no reason why you need to facilitate them seeing the DC in any way. None. If DH wants to see his family of origin, he can get a train or a bus to visit them. Logistically if he can't bring the babies without you, then he needs to leave them at home with you.

If they wanted to see the DC, tough shit. They should have been a bit more civil to their mother.

@Tygertyger555

They don't live in the same city, more like a 4-5 hour drive. SiL lives abroad. Husband is still in contact with his family but he is very supportive that he 'won't force me to do anything I don't want to do'. He's also fully aware over how they have been with me in the past. I don't want to go into too much detail again but it involves yelling at me, openly not inviting me/ excluding me and behaving so horrifically when DC were born that when I tell my friends they gasp in shock. They're not even very nice to him but they are his family at the end of the day. Thanks for all the advice everyone

There is no 'end of the day' in this scenario

He needs to have your back and you need to keep your children away.

It seems that you would all be better off NC, There is no compromise here

@Tygertyger555

I wouldn't be able to leave my kids with my in laws without me. The moment the scales fell from my eyes after decades of use and abuse were after dc were born. On one occasion, photos of my youngest were met with bile and vitriol because DH had dared be busy with his young family rather than be at their beck and call. It's so helpful to know I'm not the only one. It's tough because I'm sure none of us want to fall out with a family member but sometimes it feels like that's what these in laws are banking on. I'm sure I'll be the wicked witch of the west my MiL has been making me out to be since day 1 as I won't let her see gc

So? Won't affect you, let her crack on.

You tell dh when your dc are old enough to know how their dgps have treated you they can see them should they choose. Your dh's loyalty is to you. Maybe he needs a bloody good reminder of that.

Thanks so much for everyone's advice. It's helped given me the confidence I need to follow through with this. After decades, I'm finally standing up for myself and my DC

We are nc with our dps. I have told dh he is free to reconnect with his should he choose as is his right but he will not be subjecting our dc to them. No way never.

They are awful people.

Your job as a parent is to protect your children.

Do not allow them near your children.

It is that simple.

Why would you care about what awful people think of you?

Protect your children.

Don’t do anything. If they were shit to you, they shouldn’t be allowed near your kids. Just ignore any requests/demands/tantrums on their part. They can’t tell you what to do.

Toxic grandparents have no benefit to their grandchildren. You do not have to facilitate them being around your children.

Teach them boundaries by keeping people who yell at their mum away from them .

Why inflict abusive scum on your kids? Not fair to them. Break the cycle of trauma. They can fuck off.

Tell him to go alone. My dh never comes to see my family, don’t blame him, my mother just gets shitfaced, smokes like a chimney (her house, her choice, mine to stay away) and bores me to death.

Just don’t go. Your dc are nothing to do with her.