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Original poster

Need advise with opposite sex friendship

37 replies

65543Peter · 23/03/2022 12:36

I have known my female friend who I work with for a good few months now (I’m married, she is single and not looking for anyone and knows I’m happily married) We are friends but building a friendship at work is tuff (we only have lunch together) so I have mentioned a few times to meet outside of work but tells me that she would love to but won’t commit.

She asks me questions about me which I’m happy to tell her but she is reluctant to open up. She has told me she has been single for a long time because she has commitment issues and prefers to listen to other people’s stories over telling her own which does explain a bit. She thinks she is a boring person and has nothing to share. Some days we are great together, other days I get the impression that she is just being nice and not interested in being my friend. It hurts.

I really like her as a friend (and that is all that it ever will be and cannot stress that point enough) but I feel like the friendship is a bit one sided and wondering is it worth the effort?

The sad thing is that I’m getting transferred to another department so I won’t see her at work now so I dare say it will be the odd call and text from here in so I’m expecting a downhill slide.

Is she protecting herself from commitment as a friend or just doesn’t want to know me but is just being nice as not to offend?

OP posts:
Onthetoadagain · 23/03/2022 13:16

I'd leave well enough alone. She is happy enough chatting at work but seemingly not keen to expand this to meeting in her own time, I would accept this at face value. She is also deflecting your attempts to get to know her better.

Frankly, you sound way overinvested in a workmate you've known a few months, saying things like 'sometimes we're great together'. Yes, you say you're only looking to be friends, but in all honesty, the length, detail and tone of your post suggests otherwise. I would readjust your expectations here and carry on as work pals until you leave. If my (hypothetical) husband had written all of this about another woman I would not be best pleased.

Opentooffers · 23/03/2022 13:50

Sounds like you want more than friendship. Suggesting meets out of work when happily married - its good she's got scruples and I'd keeping her distance. That you need to post about it shows you are way too invested. Spend more time out of work with your wife, looks like you're getting distracted from your happy marriage too easily, so perhaps it could do with some attention.

Original poster
65543Peter · 23/03/2022 19:31

Thank you both for your feedback. Reflecting on both comments, I agree that you are correct that I’m over invested in wanting to be friends with her. I will take a few steps back, I want to remain friends not push her away altogether.

As for being or wanting more, hand on heart - NO and I get more than enough attention from my loving wife. At the end of the day, I just want a friend.

I do accept what has been said, I will adjust, thank you for your time

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 23/03/2022 19:59

Oh dear, Peter that sounds hard.

May I suggest instead of posting on here you discuss your dissapointment with your wife. She may be able to help with coping stategies for the loss of your much wanted friendship with this woman.

Good luck.

DetailMouse · 23/03/2022 20:02

I think "only" lunch together on a regular basis is plenty to build a work friendship and you are playing with fire. Your colleague is being very sensible and it's probably not a bad thing that your friendship will soon naturally come to an end.

What does your wife think? Presumably you have discussed this with her?

Original poster
65543Peter · 23/03/2022 20:34

My wife knows about her and knows that we have lunch at work. She is comfortable that she is my friend.

Why do you think I am playing with fire and what am I doing is wrong? Can’t a married man have a female friend?

OP posts:
DetailMouse · 23/03/2022 20:51

@65543Peter

My wife knows about her and knows that we have lunch at work. She is comfortable that she is my friend.

Why do you think I am playing with fire and what am I doing is wrong? Can’t a married man have a female friend?

How many male friends do you have where you'd think daily lunch was insufficienttime together?

Men and women can be friends, but this isn't that IMO

Palmfrond · 23/03/2022 20:55

@Onthedunes

Oh dear, Peter that sounds hard.

May I suggest instead of posting on here you discuss your dissapointment with your wife. She may be able to help with coping stategies for the loss of your much wanted friendship with this woman.

Good luck.

Ooof!
Original poster
65543Peter · 23/03/2022 21:17

With my makes friends at work, at least once a week outside of work. 30 mins for lunch sometimes isn’t enough time to discuss to cricket scores!

OP posts:
Sassbott · 23/03/2022 21:31

This is a work colleague who clearly has boundaries she is clearly showing you and you aren’t paying attention to.

Firstly, just because you would like to be her friend, it’s clear the feeling is not reciprocated by her. You need to respect that.

Why? Well it could be a number of reasons. She may not wish to grown emotionally intimate with a colleague who is a married man. She may have a very full life outside of work and have no need to progress a colleague into a friendship. She may just not like you that much.

Tbh if a male married colleague was attempting to see me 121 outside of work i would be beyond creeped out. If I was tempted to do it, I would also have a firm word with myself about respectful boundaries.

I have recently joined a new team and I am the only female and also the only single one. I have thrown out us organising an after work dinner where my colleagues spouses attend so that we can all meet one another. That is the ONLY situation whereby actively seeking to socialise with opposite sex male colleagues is remotely respectful to me. As a single female I would never put myself in such a compromising situation.

PrinceParry · 23/03/2022 21:48

I had a you, op, many years ago now at work. He was also adamant he wanted friendship. He reacted rather strongly to my not wanting to see him outside of work. Long story short he got a warning and was "invited" to resign. It's really not a good look and you're really lacking in self awareness to not understand how odd it is. By it being odd I don't mean men and women being friends (one of my best friends is a male ex colleague of mine who I met once already with dh), I mean the level to which this is bothering you and your over thinking of it. Leave her alone now, she's making it very clear she's not interested in the kind of friendship you're expecting.

FlissyPaps · 23/03/2022 21:56

She may rather listen to you then tell you about herself as she feels uncomfortable.

As a single woman, I’d be very wary of a married male work colleague asking to meet up outside of work. If it was a group setting, no bother at all. But just the 2 of you … sounds odd.

Hope you’re able to make some friendships in your new department.

ChickenStripper · 23/03/2022 22:00

@65543Peter

My wife knows about her and knows that we have lunch at work. She is comfortable that she is my friend.

Why do you think I am playing with fire and what am I doing is wrong? Can’t a married man have a female friend?

Ah ok this is a wind up.
HellToTheNope · 23/03/2022 22:00

We are friends but building a friendship at work is tuff (we only have lunch together) so I have mentioned a few times to meet outside of work but tells me that she would love to but won’t commit.

What a spectacularly stupid course of action. She's a fucking co-worker, not your friend. If you value your marriage, you'll stop being so bloody daft.

Original poster
65543Peter · 23/03/2022 22:36

Some good points have been raised and some good advise also. For those who gave me the blunt kick in the ass, it was what was needed, thank you.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 23/03/2022 23:04

@HellToTheNope

We are friends but building a friendship at work is tuff (we only have lunch together) so I have mentioned a few times to meet outside of work but tells me that she would love to but won’t commit.

What a spectacularly stupid course of action. She's a fucking co-worker, not your friend. If you value your marriage, you'll stop being so bloody daft.

This.
eightyearslater · 23/03/2022 23:30

@Onthedunes

Oh dear, Peter that sounds hard.

May I suggest instead of posting on here you discuss your dissapointment with your wife. She may be able to help with coping stategies for the loss of your much wanted friendship with this woman.

Good luck.

👌🏾
TheVillageShop · 23/03/2022 23:36

@Onthedunes

Oh dear, Peter that sounds hard.

May I suggest instead of posting on here you discuss your dissapointment with your wife. She may be able to help with coping stategies for the loss of your much wanted friendship with this woman.

Good luck.

This ^

That this is preoccupying you to the extent you have posted here indicates you are way over emotionally invested already. You are kidding yourself to suggest otherwise.

Talk it all through properly with your wife - explain how you feel and how great you are together sometimes, and tell her you've suggested a few times to meet outside work so you can develop this friendship with another woman. That should gain you some perspective.

99pronouns · 24/03/2022 01:44

I wonder if any of this is sinking in with Peter or female colleague needs to get a restraining order?

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/03/2022 01:49

As a single woman, I’d be very wary of a married male work colleague asking to meet up outside of work. If it was a group setting, no bother at all. But just the 2 of you … sounds odd.

And I'd assume it was sexual harassment which is difficult to deal with at work. So you make excuses and talk about your terrible issues with commitment and keep your fingers crossed for the day he moves.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/03/2022 01:50

I have loads of male friends BTW just not creepy ones who try to engineer dates with me.

TheGrinchsDog · 24/03/2022 01:54

WTF? Seriously dude back the fuck off! Take a hint!

Stop pushing for friendships when it's pretty clear the other person is uncomfortable.

Also have some respect for your wife! Jeso this is taking up waaaay too much brain space and I'd not be a happy bunny if I were your wife. This is how you start an emotional affair.

Fucking chasing a coworker who isn't interested is not a good look.

Wiredforsound · 24/03/2022 07:54

She’s a colleague, not a friend. She’s told you that she doesn’t want to talk about her personal life. You need to back off.

Rainbowshine · 24/03/2022 08:01

You’re probably already known as a pest towards your women colleagues and need to consider paying attention to any harassment training. Honestly I have had to warn and dismiss too many men like this (work in HR).

Palmfrond · 24/03/2022 09:09

@65543Peter

doesn’t want to know me but is just being nice as not to offend?

This.
As a middle aged, married sad dad myself I can completely sympathise with the allure of “totally platonic friendship” with (dare I presume) attractive coworkers, but she’s made it pretty easy for you to take the hint on this one.