Need advise with opposite sex friendship

[65543Peter]

I have known my female friend who I work with for a good few months now (I’m married, she is single and not looking for anyone and knows I’m happily married) We are friends but building a friendship at work is tuff (we only have lunch together) so I have mentioned a few times to meet outside of work but tells me that she would love to but won’t commit.

She asks me questions about me which I’m happy to tell her but she is reluctant to open up. She has told me she has been single for a long time because she has commitment issues and prefers to listen to other people’s stories over telling her own which does explain a bit. She thinks she is a boring person and has nothing to share. Some days we are great together, other days I get the impression that she is just being nice and not interested in being my friend. It hurts.

I really like her as a friend (and that is all that it ever will be and cannot stress that point enough) but I feel like the friendship is a bit one sided and wondering is it worth the effort?

The sad thing is that I’m getting transferred to another department so I won’t see her at work now so I dare say it will be the odd call and text from here in so I’m expecting a downhill slide.

Is she protecting herself from commitment as a friend or just doesn’t want to know me but is just being nice as not to offend?

How much more can she do.

She's told you no out of work meet ups, she doesn't want to divulge information about her personal life and she's even told you she's boring to keep you at bay.

I should imagine your transfer could have something to do with the fact you are quite predatory with the unobtainable opposite sex.

It’s perfectly possibly to be friends Petercwith women, but those friendships totally evolve naturally and over time, trying to force a friendship and wanting ‘more’ time etc smacks of over invested emotionally, I’m going to bet she’s youngish and attractive - it’s not a good look on your part and I don’t think your wife would be impressed either regardless of what you say —

A lot of people would be very uncomfortable about meeting up with a married colleague outside work.

I think you just need to leave things be, and not try to go beyond that boundary.

Do you attempt to see your male friends 121 like this? Do you bemoan that your male friends are "reluctant to open up" or talk about "Some days we are great together"?

I think if my dh came home from work telling me how sad he was that his lovely female work colleague of a few months didn’t want to go out with him one to one outside of work, didn’t open up to him in conversations, and had frequent lunches but didn’t want them more frequently. I’d be thinking he was having some sort of mid life crisis or be wondering what the fuck was wrong with him! So I’m wondering if this is in he t what you’ve told your poor wife!
You are being incredibly disrespectful to both women!!

Back off mate. She doesn’t want to get involved with a married man!
She’s a colleague, not your best mate.
Take your wife out for fucking dinners maybe?

If I was your wife I would not be happy with this 'friendship'. It's fine to have a work pal. It's not OK that you were trying to engineer friend dates with this person outside of work though. It sounds like she knows this and has boundaries.

It would be different if there were a group of you and it was a group night out but its not ok for a married man to go out privately with a woman from work.

I would not be meeting a male married colleague outside of work alone, if there was an activity and others were attending then fine but otherwise no and she has her boundaries and wants to keep her personal life as it is personal. This is a work colleague only and you are overinvested in her. How would you like it if your wife was asking a single male colleague to meet up outside of work and constantly asking him about his personal life. If you don't stop you will be making life very difficult for yourself as you will be making her very uncomfortable and she has probably mentioned this to other colleagues. If someone says no it means no.

Is this a reverse?

I think your work colleague is picking up on the subtext, the unspoken word and stating her boundaries.

Yes, you’re saying you don’t feel “that” way about her but the signals you’re sending out to her (and on here) are saying you do (and I think you know this). She is picking up on that and deflecting it.

Why is HER friendship so important to you?

I don’t think your wife knows about this friendship either. I think that is just words you’re typing onto a computer screen for credible plausibility.

I don’t think you’re clueless/oblivious at all.

Get the hint- your colleague (not your friend) has drawn a line in the sand and you are trying to cross it … you are co workers and your repeated attempts to illicit 121 meet ups with her are probably creeping her out , The fact that you are posting on here shows you are giving this way too much (unhealthy) headspace… leave her alone! Take your wife out for lunch instead !

I don't think you're clueless/oblivious at all.

I agree, another creeping creeper who some some weird reason has come here to MN Relationships board - population majority women - to ask us to condone the creepiness.

There's been a lot of them around here in my recent memory, they are getting more frequent I think.

She may as well be holding up a banner with Leave Me the Fuck Alone.
I wonder if the department transfer is at your own request or perhaps your manager has put this in place.