Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hes an alcoholic

29 replies

Jumpinginwithbothfeet · 22/03/2022 13:47

Have been seeing someone for 6 months. He told me at the beginning he had had problems with alcohol in the past but dealt with them. In the 6 months we've been together he's had 2 relapses, drinking alone to the point of passing out. The first time I could kind of understand there'd been a huge disappointment and he struggled to cope. This time there doesn't seem to be a reason, we have been having the best time together. Fully loved up, fun, amazing.
I don't know what to do. I've fallen for him hard and he's kind, caring, intelligent everything I need, apart from this. Is this always going to be an issue? I'm not sure how to deal with it or whether I should try. I dont know what to do. Has anyone been in the same situation?

OP posts:
holrosea · 22/03/2022 13:59

Run for the hills - I am sorry because he sounds as though he is struggling with addiction - but I can absolutely guarantee that while he is so early in his recovery, he will not have the capacity to be a good partner. You will pour in love, time, energy, emotion, his sobriety will be your N° 1 concern, and you are setting yourself up for heartbreak.

I truly wish him all the best in his recovery and I hope that he can access ressources to help him, but it is very early days for your relationship and while he has something this big going on, he'll never have the space, time or emotional resources for you to be a priority (as he will inevitably be for you).

SamphiretheStickerist · 22/03/2022 14:06

So, he drinks when he is unhappy, he drinks when he is happy. He drinks... this is who he is and you don't have to willingly throw yourself upon that bonfire.

At 6 months you have seen him doing his best. And yet he still hasn't managed to hode his alcoholism. You need feel no shame in just walking away. This is his battle to fight. He wil l have family who are in a better palace to understand and help him than you.

And, from experience, my best advice is to look at him again, with how he was when he was so drunk he was incapable. Is that what you want in a partner? You have fallen for him hard because he is doing his best to be what you want, so you will accept the pissed up him. You will see more of the alcoholic as time goes by.

If you were my friend I would drag you out of that relationship no matter how much you kicked and screamed. I have stories to make your hair curl... piss and vomit and loving hug, "Cos he jjust Our Little Boy" and that makes it all right!

Original poster
Jumpinginwithbothfeet · 22/03/2022 14:09

That's just it. He always puts me first, we talk everyday, see each other as often as we can. He's always been there with good advice when I've needed him. He's been amazing. Everything I could want and more. This is a side of him I didn't know and don't understand.
I was hopeful he could change hes managed so well to not drink until this.
I don't want to set myself up for future heartbreak or having to deal with it over and over though, but it's so hard to even think of leaving.

OP posts:
JustJam4Tea · 22/03/2022 14:09

"At 6 months you have seen him doing his best. And yet he still hasn't managed to hode his alcoholism. You need feel no shame in just walking away. This is his battle to fight. He wil l have family who are in a better palace to understand and help him than you." What I was going to say, but better put.

Been there, got the T-shirt, it's not worth it this early on when he should still be on best behaviour.

SamphiretheStickerist · 22/03/2022 14:19

but it's so hard to even think of leaving.

Then he has done his job well.

You need to stop and take a deep breath and a second look. If you think you can put up with him, drunk and belligerent in say 10 years, 20, 30 years time, then go for it.

I have a SIL whom I dislike intensely. After 30+ years of being married to DHs brother she upped and left. I cheered. I cannot imagine waking up every morning and looking at a pisshead lying next to me. All the plans, the time, the money, the accidents and incidents, the embarrasssments, the excuses, the physical and emotional hurt.

I never understood why she stayed, didn't actually undertsand the initial attraction. But, much as I detest her I am very happy for her and her new lease of life at almost 60.

Is that what you want?

Watchkeys · 22/03/2022 14:21

Genuine question: What makes you think he will change his habits now, when he hasn't so far?

Original poster
Jumpinginwithbothfeet · 22/03/2022 14:26

@Watchkeys because he seemed to be trying. He doesn't drink all the time. Only twice in the last 3 months. He's managed work Xmas parties, nights out etc without a drink. He hates himself after drinking.

OP posts:
DrowsyDragon · 22/03/2022 14:27

LEAVE. My husband is an alcoholic. We had fourteenth happy years and two incredibly shit ones since his addiction took hold. He lies and gaslights and then reforms and does it again. Right now he’s living in a hotel and visiting our small children every day. I miss him, i I’m heartbroken, I cannot quite yet bring myself to divorce him but we have 14 good years. It’s been six months. Save yourself now. If he’s done this much in six months he’s nowhere near in control and he is going to break your heart and fuck up your head. Run run run.

SamphiretheStickerist · 22/03/2022 14:27

They all do. Soemthing to do with someone they rely upon seeing them for who they really are, the possibility of that support being withdrawn.

That and the hangover, the money missing from the bank account etc,

DrowsyDragon · 22/03/2022 14:29

Twice in the last three months! Does he claiM he’s in recovery? That’s every six weeks. Want to deal with him pissed every six weeks? For the rest of your life?

Watchkeys · 22/03/2022 14:31

What was his drinking pattern like before this episode of 'trying', and when did he start trying?

Beachsidesunset · 22/03/2022 14:31

As someone whose mother 'fell in love' with an alcoholic. Stay with him if you must - it's your life to chose unhappiness. But Do. Not. Inflict. That. Misery. On. Children.

Watchkeys · 22/03/2022 14:32

He hates himself after drinking

You seem to think this is a point in his favour, but self hatred is very detrimental to addicts. It'll just continue the cycle.

VaddaABeetch · 22/03/2022 14:33

You’re making excuses for him already.

Only twice in 3 months, so every 6 weeks? That you know about?

People are telling you to walk away. You don’t have to of course but you’ve been warned. Better to walk away after 6 months than 6 years.

SparklingLime · 22/03/2022 14:36

He always puts me first

Not while he’s drinking, or planning to drink, or recovering, he doesn’t. And it will get more frequent.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2022 14:46

You are indeed setting yourself up for future heartbreak here.

Leave him now and before you become ever more over invested and caught up in this "relationship" with an alcoholic. Am so very sorry to write that but his primary relationship is with drink, not you and its never been with you either. His thoughts revolve around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

You're only six months into this and already there have been two occasions that you know of (there will be others you are unaware of) where he's passed out. Why have you continued to see him?. He has tested you to see how low your boundaries are and you've already accepted way too much re him already. You have fallen for him hard because he is doing his best to be what you want (he is mirroring you here), so you will accept the pissed up him.

Did you see similar when you were growing up? .

What is your image of an alcoholic?. I bet it's not this man is it; he's charming and erudite to you (well for now anyway). They do not all sit on park benches nor even drink every day. Some of them hold down jobs too and have families. These types of relationships go one way - downhill and fast. Educate yourself a lot more about alcoholism and seek support for yourself from Al-anon; at the very least read their literature. Do not set yourself on fire here like you are doing to keep him warm. He neither wants your help or support; you are not qualified to help him in any case.

Don't ever bet on him changing. Only you can change your reaction to him. He just wants someone like you around to enable him and not interfere at all with his drinking time.

OakRowan · 22/03/2022 14:54

You're writing lots of things that can't possibly be true, exaggerated, he is so kind, caring, intelligent, always puts you first, you've fallen for him hard (red flag in itself, your intensity) then minimising what he is doing. Making a grim situation romantic is dangerous and contradictory. Its not ok that you have him up on a pedestal as an ideal man except for this one minor thing that actually should be relationship ending if you had better boundaries and self esteem. Hugely concerning that you are considering a future with him, no one can tell you this is ok, he is ok, because it isn't. You are 6 months into the start of an abusive relationship, get out as fast as you can.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/03/2022 14:54

I would also suggest that you read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

WormHasTurned · 22/03/2022 15:01

I would suggest running a mile. I actually think the most worrying thing of all is that he refers to his drink problem as being past tense despite the fact that he’s lost control twice in three months, and this during your honeymoon period when you’d expect him to be on his best behaviour. The alcohol will always come first. Isn’t it generally suggested that people in recovery don’t get into new relationships for the first year of sobriety?

My STBXH is a heavy drinker. It became both a problem is itself and an excuse to avoid me (can’t have sex if he’s passed out drunk for example). He was so hammered on Christmas Eve he didn’t help with any prep. It’s never a full relationship when they love booze, even if your bloke has a love/hate relationship with it.
Honestly I find myself so relieved to removed from it all.

Original poster
Jumpinginwithbothfeet · 22/03/2022 15:07

Thank you for all your comments. I think I knew what the answer was just hoped it could be different. X

OP posts:
DrowsyDragon · 22/03/2022 15:18

I’m really sorry. Hope you find a better guy soon. But you really don’t want this life.

Mojoj · 22/03/2022 15:22

Don't walk away, RUN

Colbumbo · 22/03/2022 15:28

I was in a relationship with an alcoholic and can back everything said above. Their primary relationship is with alcohol, not you. They will turn on you. They will gaslight you. They will let you down. It takes over everything and you can't have a 'normal' life. Eventually, you'll dread speaking to them drunk, smelling drink off them or hearing cans or bottles being opened too early in the day. It's the boiling frog scenario. Everything builds gradually, you won't realise how bad it's gotten until there's a breaking point. I never thought I'd end up in an abusive scenario but that's where it lead. And I didn't tell anyone because I was so ashamed. Please protect yourself.

pointythings · 22/03/2022 15:48

He's not fully in recovery, and even when he is, he should not be entering into any relationships until his recovery is strong and established. The minimum for this is a year, longer is better.

You need to walk away.

Thingsdogetbetter · 22/03/2022 16:46

Hope is the worse thing you can have in a relationship. 'I hope he'll change' is a futile, passive and self-destructive way to think.

He's on his absolute best behaviour at the moment in the honeymoon period and he has still managed to 'relapse' twice. He hates himself for it, but still can't stop himself. As the buzz of being in a new relationship wears off and he gets more secure that you're hooked, those relapses will get closer and closer together. The hating himself in-between will get stronger and stronger. And no one who hates themselves makes a good partner. He'll need someone to blame and guess who that will be.......

Swipe left for the next trending thread