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Original poster

Birthday disagreement opinions

29 replies

NorthSouthcatlady · 22/03/2022 10:33

Person A and B are in conflict about a family birthday that occurred, they are close family members. Person A had a big birthday, said they were flexible about the plan but would love to see the family. Person B travels to person A's home area for their birthday as discussed (they live roughly 250 miles away). Takes person A out to lunch, person B paid and drove. They went to a place person A said they like, brought them a card and a present.

Person A feels person B should have made more effort for their birthday, they were lazy and selfish. They are still unhappy about what happened for their birthday. Person B is confused about what more they could have done. They feel a 500 mile round trip, lunch out, birthday card and a present was more than enough

Posting here for external opinions, from people who were not involved on either side

OP posts:
TedMullins · 22/03/2022 10:36

Person A is being ridiculous, ungrateful and entitled.

ZaraSizeMedium · 22/03/2022 10:38

Person A is insane.

MardyOldGoth · 22/03/2022 10:41

Person A is being a brat!

PatSpringleaf · 22/03/2022 10:41

What more could person b have done? Person A is being very ungrateful. I'd be interested to know what person A thinks was missing from this celebration.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 10:42

Hi person B.

You were more than reasonable - unless you have kids and left them at home, maybe, I guess.

BlingLoving · 22/03/2022 10:45

Yeah, I'm not sure that you've hidden whether you're person A or person B so well here. It's entirely unclear why Person A would consider that it has been insufficient. You are clearly Person B. Based on your post, Person A is being ridiculous.

On what grounds is Person A thinking that Person B was not good enough? eg did Person A expect Person B to organise a party seeing as it was a "big" birthday? Does Person B have other family members that Person A was also expecting to see? Was the present for this "Big" birthday a Bayliss & Harding gift set or a bottle of red wine when Person A doesn't drink red wine?

Because on the face of it, there is absolutely nothing that Person A has any right to be upset about so either Person A is just a complete CF, or you're leaving out some of the story.

FiveShelties · 22/03/2022 10:48

If you think Person A is your friend OP (Person B), then you are sadly mistaken.

Original poster
NorthSouthcatlady · 22/03/2022 12:02

As some people correctly guessed l am person B. I was keen to get some outsiders opinions, l will answer people’s questions to give more clarity

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthSouthcatlady · 22/03/2022 12:03

@PatSpringleaf person A doesn’t seem able to specify what exactly they wanted, just they wanted “more” apparently

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthSouthcatlady · 22/03/2022 12:03

@girlmom21 no children. So no children to leave at home

OP posts:
Derbee · 22/03/2022 12:06

Person A is an entitled arse

Original poster
NorthSouthcatlady · 22/03/2022 12:09

@BlingLoving person A just wanted “more effort” made apparently but not able to articulate what. Never even mentioned they wanted a party. Present was researched and compliant with likes / dislikes / allergies so no wine for a teetotaller etc. Ironically the present was one of the few things not rubbished about the whole thing. Probably as l got a present and some flowers for them

Only part l left out, that l think is relevant is my brother didn’t go visit during or around the birthday. Not even sure if he got them a present. But all of this was fine apparently. As you may have guessed there is a golden person / scapegoat vibe going on Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthSouthcatlady · 22/03/2022 12:09

@FiveShelties increasingly it does appear like that

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthSouthcatlady · 22/03/2022 12:13

The reason why l am asking for outsiders opinions is we have a busy summer of family birthdays and my wedding. These kind of events are often flash points for this persons behaviour. The irony is for my last birthday they left early from my meal, barely paying their own way (despite me booking an early table as they don’t like eating late Confused ). Interesting juxtaposition to me doing transport to / from their meal, paying for them etc

OP posts:
candles1298 · 22/03/2022 12:15

It sounds like person A is more disappointed in her birthday as a whole rather than what you did or don't do OP?

Person A Sounds like a hard to please mum with golden child (your brother)

pastaandpesto · 22/03/2022 12:17

I'm going to play devil's advocate.

Sometimes its not what you do, but the way that you do it.

I've got a friend who is amazing at birthdays. She's just got a real knack of understanding the small gestures that make a person feel properly special.

Your post reads a bit like a tick list of duties to be performed. You obviously went to a lot of effort, but do you think gave your (sister? mother?) that it was all a bit, I don't know, hard work? That they should be appreciative of your time and expense?

To use an old-fashioned phrase, did you make a fuss of them?

On the face of it, Person A does sound like a complete arse, but unless there is a massive backstory and they have form for this kind of behaviour, I wonder if perhaps it isn't completely clear cut.

Original poster
NorthSouthcatlady · 22/03/2022 12:19

@candles1298 all l know is she told me l was lazy and selfish for that birthday. I could and should have done more apparently. To be honest for her next big birthday then l will most likely be doing very little. She won’t be happy with that. But then as you said she is rarely happy anyway 🤷‍♀️ She is also keen on the double standard e.g. for my birthday last year she couldn’t even be bothered ringing me

OP posts:
pastaandpesto · 22/03/2022 12:20

I've just seen your update OP - it does sound like Person A is indeed just a complete arse and whatever you do will never be enough.

Original poster
NorthSouthcatlady · 22/03/2022 12:25

@pastaandpesto l feel that l did make a fuss. Over 500 miles of driving, lunches out, cards and presents are hardly nothing. I didn’t just chuck an Amazon gift card in a birthday card. I wasn’t expecting a world of recognition or appreciation from them and didn’t at all convey that at all. But l also wasn’t expecting a world of accusations of lazy / thoughtless / selfish either -which was what l got. I most likely wouldn’t have mentioned the birthday again but a few months later she told me what l did was lacking

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 22/03/2022 12:30

Person b did fine. Person a is being very grabby.

TokyoSushi · 22/03/2022 12:34

Good grief. I assume that this is your DM. They sound like the type of person who is never going to be grateful, whatever you do!

me4real · 22/03/2022 12:42

That's weird and annoying of your family member @NorthSouthcatlady

gannett · 22/03/2022 12:50

As you may have guessed there is a golden person / scapegoat vibe going on

In which case this isn't actually about the birthday or what you did/didn't do - it's all about the toxic dynamic. There is actually nothing you could have done that would have pleased Person A or elicited anything other than this sour response.

Distance yourself from them, would be my advice, but at the very least stop putting yourself out to please them. Bung an Amazon voucher in the post next time - you may as well as you'll get the same response regardless.

girlmom21 · 22/03/2022 12:55

I bet it's because you didn't get a cake and balloons.

I'm guessing this is your DM? Honestly tell her if she can't tell you what you did wrong to get over it because you don't want her hanging something over you that you can't fix.

maxelly · 22/03/2022 12:56

Hmm, while I do agree that Person A has been really rude in what they subsequently said, it is common amongst my circle that for 'big' birthdays particularly for the older generation i.e. 70, 80, 90 quite a big fuss is made without the person explicitly asking for it, a family party usually is arranged rather than just one relative taking them out to lunch as would perhaps be more normal for a 'lesser' birthday, so all the extended family coordinating on going out for lunch or dinner together as a big group, perhaps a night away, a cake, balloons/flowers or other decorations are done and perhaps there's a particularly meaningful present like a photobook or piece of jewellery or artwork that the whole family chips in for. I wonder if this is what Person A was expecting (if s/he has seen similar happen with their friends or other family members celebrating the same birthday) and what they meant when they said slightly vaguely that 'they'd like to see the family'.

I do agree that Person A probably should have been more specific as I can see how confusion has arisen, but I do think a lot depends on the relative ages and relationship of Person A and B. If person A is a single, elderly woman and person B is their child who they have an otherwise very good relationship with that's very different to if A is a 40 year old with a spouse and children of their own and B is a distant cousin or something...