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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Splitting up and getting threats

44 replies

Whydoipickthem · 22/03/2022 01:12

I ended a seven month relationship tonight as I have had several issues with trust and being made to feel guilty when spending time with my children.
Tonight I was out and he was in my house. He covered my doorbell security camera for 2 mins while I was out having a cuppa with my relative at her house. I got an alert and when I realised the camera was covered i felt sick.
I messaged to say what was he playing at. He said it was a joke.
I came in and explained I was upset. I felt it was very weird to cover a camera and quite suspicious. He started shouting and at that point I asked him to leave. He through the door key that he had, at me, and slammed his car door into my car door three times as he left (again all on camera).
He messaged to say he apologies for raising his voice. I blocked him on everything.
The other issue is I have genital herpes from when I was raped at 19. I take medications to lower the risk of transmission and outbreaks I get. I was honest about my herpes status from the beginning. We split about a month ago over trust issues and he then said he had clusters of blisters on his penis. Three days later we met up and he had nothing on his penis.
Tonight, at 12.45am he has just left a voicemail from an unknown number (as I blocked him) and he said “I’ve got an STD now because of you. Should I just make it common knowledge now”
Nobody knows I have herpes. Only my ex husband, one ex boyfriend and my midwife (my kids are 14/17).
I know he’s highly abusive and manipulative. I’m just feeling a bit freaked out and worried about what he will do :/

OP posts:
RobertSmithsLipstick · 22/03/2022 01:35

I suppose the advice would be to not react, because that gives him power over you.
You really have done the right thing, so I hope someone can give you some proper, helpful advice.

It sounds as if he's trying to blackmail you into getting back with him.

What a piece of shit!

PiperPosey · 22/03/2022 01:41

Good Lord what a piece of shit. Angry

Annette32123 · 22/03/2022 01:58

Don’t give it a second thought. Don’t be blackmailed. You could just as easily tell everyone he gave you herpes. So what?!

Walk away. Look after yourself. Time to move on, he sounds like a bad un!

Chloemol · 22/03/2022 02:05

Well the first thing you have done which is to block him

If he has damaged your car I would speak to your insurance and make a claim ivf his to repair

As to the threats ignore.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/03/2022 03:25

If he tells anyone anything, "he's a very dangerous, scary man who is harassing me. Please disregard anything he says".

If he damaged your car, report to the police.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 22/03/2022 03:32

He is being creepy & threatening. If he threatens you again just say ‘go ahead, I will just tell everyone I got it from you’.
But seriously, he’s not going to. He won’t want people knowing either.

Pinkbonbon · 22/03/2022 03:40

Keep him blocked. Has he neen in your house whilst you were out? If so I would do a search for hidden cameras. He sounds the sort.

Check your PC and phone for spyware too and change all your passwords.

I'd have your locks changed as well as you never know if he made a key copy.

If he harasses you further: 'any future contact with me and I will call the police'. And follow through if he persists as harassment and threatening behaviour and blackmail are all crimes.

If he slurs you to anyone then just say he is an ex who you broke up with as he was abusive and to ignore him. And to please not share any details of your life with him as you don't want him knowing your business either.

Well done on getting rid!

CheekyHobson · 22/03/2022 03:40

He messaged to say he apologies for raising his voice.

It's significant that the only thing he was prepared to admit to in writing was raising his voice, an unpleasant but comparatively harmless thing to do. He doesn't apologise for throwing something at you or damaging your car.

This man is clearly dangerous and manipulative so I would advise you to behave with extreme caution.

I would not respond to him, but call the police to report the damage, covering the camera, that he has made threats to share private information in a way designed to embarrass you (I don't think you need to be specific with the police about what the information is), and any other information you have about his negative behaviours (to help them build a picture), including whether he has been aggressive to exes (if you know this).

They may register your complaint but not caution him at this point, as that can sometimes provoke aggressive abusers to escalate. They might advise you to politely ask him to leave you alone, state that you won't be engaging with him again no matter what, and say that if he approaches you again you will need to alert the police (without saying you already have). This might get him to back off.

However, I'm not an expert – it's best to take the advice of the police as they will have dealt with this sort of situation before and will know the right thing to do.

Coyoacan · 22/03/2022 03:43

Just call him a liar, if needs be.

Mangotea · 22/03/2022 04:04

He's definitely abusive, manipulative and is likely a narcissist.

Under no circumstances forgive him or take him back. It's his plan, he's trying to do a power play.

Right now he's damaging your car and blackmailing you, in the future I unfortunately wouldn't be surprised if he tried to hurt you or your family.

Do whatever you can to get him away from you. Change the locks, threaten him with the police or even contact the police. I can understand that you wouldn't want anyone knowing you have herpes especially considering the trauma you experienced related to it, but you may have to call his bluff and tell him idc tell everyone. I hope he doesn't but be mentally prepared in case he does.

Sorry if I sound extreme and like I'm overreacting, I've just seen this situation one too many times and these are all the first warning signs.

Wishing you all the best and hope you and your family are safe!

Pawtriarchal · 22/03/2022 04:12

If a man told me this about a woman I would only judge the man. I wouldn’t consider whether it was true (there’s no shame in it anyway) but I would absolutely judge him as abusive for even referring to it.

Also - I’d tell the police about the aggression etc in case he continues. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had previous. Once a wanker, always a wanker.

Original poster
Whydoipickthem · 22/03/2022 17:59

He hasn’t contacted me all day then started ringing from a withheld number once I’ve finished work. I’ve changed the settings on my phone so any withheld number goes straight to voicemail. There’s 9 calls in 15 mins. No voicemails.

I’ve changed my front door lock.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 22/03/2022 18:08

What a creep. Keep him blocked and be aware he may try other devices. Don't be tempted to hear him out. Although one last messages along the line of 'Any further harassment will be reported to the police. Do not contact me again' wouldn't harm.

I'd leave it for now though.

How is your car? Has he damaged it?

Lunificent · 22/03/2022 18:10

I would log these incidents with the police and take steps to protect myself.

FartSock5000 · 22/03/2022 18:11

Ring 101 and report him. Stand up to the bully and you'll be less likely to repeat the cycle with the next bloke.

This guy is all red flags. You've done well binging him.

BlanketsBanned · 22/03/2022 18:12

I would call the police on 101 and report his abuse and damage to your car door

Lunificent · 22/03/2022 18:13

Also get advice from where you can: Woman’s Aid etc.

Summerhillsquare · 22/03/2022 18:21

Police!

SingaporeSling01 · 22/03/2022 19:30

Had a similar situation with an ex boyfriend threatening me on all sorts of matter including telling the father of my children what a terrible mother I was.
In the end I stopped him by:

  1. contacting the police and asking them to take a statement.
  2. having a solicitor write him a cease and desist letter. It worked. I feel for you and please stay strong and don’t let him anywhere near you.
Original poster
Whydoipickthem · 22/03/2022 21:00

The car door isn’t even damaged, to my surprise. His car door hit my car door handle and the handle is chipped. It would have definitely dented the door if the cars were parked slightly differently though.
I have another missed call of a withheld number. Still ignoring it all :)

OP posts:
Findingneeemo · 22/03/2022 21:04

You need to call me he police.

Findingneeemo · 22/03/2022 21:05

Bloody phone changing words! You should call the police.

SolasAnla · 22/03/2022 21:10

Change the locks on all doors.
If he had free access to the house he had access to the keys for other doors.

Pinkbonbon · 23/03/2022 11:34

I think today if he calls again then have a chat with the 101 people and see what they think. At the very least then they'll have a record of him harassing you.

Obviously if he turns up, don't answer the door. Just shout that its harassment and if he doesn't leave you the fuck alone from now on, you will call the police. And follow through if he doesn't leave immediately or if he ever comes back.

In my exp, police take forever to show so are not ideal for these situations, but the threat of them might work. Also best to have on record that he has been harassing you already so even if he has left by the time they get there, they will see there's been prior and follow it up.

layladomino · 23/03/2022 11:53

Call the Police. Explain he came in to your home without your permission, he covered your camera up so presumably has done something he doesn't want you to know about (planted a recording device??), and damaged your car, and you have evidence on camera. Also that he is harrassing you. Please don't hesitate to report.