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Original poster

Avoidant partner pulled away. Any advice on how to navigate?

40 replies

Janegirl89 · 21/03/2022 23:52

So to cut a long story short. He is FA I am Secure (healed, used to be AP) - We dated 5 months. Recently we had a couple of big arguments which led to him pulling away. When we met up and spoke he just kept telling me that he would love to stay together but he felt that I was feeling more negativity towards him and whatever he tried wasn’t good enough to make it work. I had become a little distant myself due to some health issues I had going on which I think triggered his fears and he just kept saying he doesn’t want to add to my stress.

Later that evening he text me saying that he just needed some time without seeing each other - i responded saying that ‘I felt it would be a shame if we couldn’t figure things out but I understood if he needs to take time for himself and the door is open if he wants to keep in contact’

Just over two weeks have gone by and I havent heard from him. I’m not sure if I should be reaching out? Half of me feels like if he asked for time then I should leave him but the other half is like if I’m not trying to show him I want him there then am I not just confirming in his head his beliefs about me not wanting him?

I noticed he was liking my instagram posts and watching my stories since we stopped talking which is something he for some reason didn’t do while we were dating so I find it strange that he has been viewing my stories & liking my posts all of a sudden but hadn’t spoken to me.

I just feel confused and I care about him a lot so I want to get this right. Can any FA’s give an insight / advise maybe what would be best?

Thank you

OP posts:
MrsLegend · 21/03/2022 23:58

Sorry but what is FA, secure and AP?

ClemDanFango · 22/03/2022 00:00

As above?

HellToTheNope · 22/03/2022 00:01

This is fucking absurd. You're adults, I assume, not teenagers, so behave like one.

It's over, as it should be.

pastypirate · 22/03/2022 00:15

We might if we knew what an fa was...

Levithian · 22/03/2022 00:19

I know that you're talking about attachment styles, and I find all that very interesting myself... But you're giving it far, far too much sway here. Whatever his attachment style, he is still a human being who deserves being heard when he asks for some time to himself.
Also, you really don't come across as secure at all here. No disrespect intended (I'm not secure either!)

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2022 00:21

Sorry, far too self indulgent and navelly gazey for me. Is every interaction with him from some.
Mayers Briggs view?

MichelleScarn · 22/03/2022 00:22

MYERS! What is it with spell check tonight?!

NoSquirrels · 22/03/2022 00:24

he text me saying that he just needed some time without seeing each other - i responded saying that ‘I felt it would be a shame if we couldn’t figure things out but I understood if he needs to take time for himself and the door is open if he wants to keep in contact’

He told you he wants space. You said the ball was in his court.

That’s it. Don’t beg!

billygoatsgruff1 · 22/03/2022 00:35

Surprised you say you've healed an attachment disorder when you're in a relationship like this tbh

Original poster
Janegirl89 · 22/03/2022 01:38

@Levithian

I know that you're talking about attachment styles, and I find all that very interesting myself... But you're giving it far, far too much sway here. Whatever his attachment style, he is still a human being who deserves being heard when he asks for some time to himself. Also, you really don't come across as secure at all here. No disrespect intended (I'm not secure either!)
Thanks for your comment :). I do agree about giving him space, thats why I haven’t reached out. I guess sometimes my AP tendencies still sometimes creep in however instead of reacting and letting it take over, I take more time to reflect before I act. Thats really why I posted, I thought maybe an opinion from somebody outside of the situation would help. While I’m healed enough to not react emotionally, my brain sometimes still likes to think a little too much!
OP posts:
Original poster
Janegirl89 · 22/03/2022 01:47

@NoSquirrels

he text me saying that he just needed some time without seeing each other - i responded saying that ‘I felt it would be a shame if we couldn’t figure things out but I understood if he needs to take time for himself and the door is open if he wants to keep in contact’

He told you he wants space. You said the ball was in his court.

That’s it. Don’t beg!

Well yeah that was my initial instinct but from the way he mentioned how he thought I didn't want him around, part of me feels like I should be showing him that I do. i know he asked for space which I am definitely giving him the past two weeks, but he also had an emotional offload telling me he needed to see that I want him around more than I’ve been showing, but how do you show someone that you do value having them there if the two of you are now not communicating at all? Confused
OP posts:
Wiredforsound · 22/03/2022 04:57

This all sounds like psychobabble. You dated for 5 months. It didn’t work out. Time to move on.

Spitspatspot · 22/03/2022 06:00

“There are four primary kinds of Attachment Styles: Dismissive Avoidant, Fearful Avoidant, Anxious Preoccupied and Secure. Each Style has their own beliefs, perceptions, ways that they process emotions.”
(To help decipher the OP)
If it’s been two weeks, OP, regardless of any of the above, I think a simple check in message is fine - he can’t just leave you hanging forever

sjxoxo · 22/03/2022 06:13

I have a friend who talks in the same language as you and whilst I love her dearly she is seriously self-absorbed and has this way of ‘over examining’ everything… you sound the same. I think you should forget all the labels and just treat you and others like people just living life. My friend constantly gets told she is too intense by men and I suspect a lot of her friends feel the same. It’s not a problem in the sense she has a wide social circle and lots of people including me who love her for all different parts of her personality- but it is hard to have intimate relationships if you over analyse everything and can’t just ‘be’. x

Original poster
Janegirl89 · 22/03/2022 13:34

@sjxoxo

I have a friend who talks in the same language as you and whilst I love her dearly she is seriously self-absorbed and has this way of ‘over examining’ everything… you sound the same. I think you should forget all the labels and just treat you and others like people just living life. My friend constantly gets told she is too intense by men and I suspect a lot of her friends feel the same. It’s not a problem in the sense she has a wide social circle and lots of people including me who love her for all different parts of her personality- but it is hard to have intimate relationships if you over analyse everything and can’t just ‘be’. x
You are right here with what you say. It is hard when I’m analysing everything. It doesn’t help that he does that same. I think it makes the problem worse. Maybe two over thinkers are just not a good match
OP posts:
JohannSebastianBach · 22/03/2022 13:49

Do you want to go out with him?

If yes pick up the phone. If not, don't bother.

That's it really.

Nightlystroll · 22/03/2022 14:02

I don't want to be unkind but it looks to me like he's dumped you. His “I'm not good enough to make it work” just sounds like the latest form of "it's not you, it's me".

If you have to put this much effort and worry into a 5 month relationship, it's not working. This should be the most fun part of your relationship and, honestly, it just sounds like too much of a slog. Find someone you can just have some fun with and stop over analysing everything.

Watchkeys · 22/03/2022 15:20

Even by posting in the first place, you are displaying a seriously anxious attachment style, which is displayed further in the content of your posts.

You are an anxious and an avoidant. You are looking for ways to fix it, he's off elsewhere.

If you were secure, you'd have said 'Your behaviour is making me uncomfortable, and I don't want that in my relationship, so I'm leaving.'

Attachment styles are only an issue in unhealthy relationships, so, if you're using them as a basis to explain issues in your relationship, just get out. That's a secure style; you get out as soon as you start getting triggered.

Original poster
Janegirl89 · 22/03/2022 16:24

@Watchkeys

Even by posting in the first place, you are displaying a seriously anxious attachment style, which is displayed further in the content of your posts.

You are an anxious and an avoidant. You are looking for ways to fix it, he's off elsewhere.

If you were secure, you'd have said 'Your behaviour is making me uncomfortable, and I don't want that in my relationship, so I'm leaving.'

Attachment styles are only an issue in unhealthy relationships, so, if you're using them as a basis to explain issues in your relationship, just get out. That's a secure style; you get out as soon as you start getting triggered.

I actually agree with you!

I guess I’m just more of a lets communicate and deal with the issue so we can move on. Seems counter productive for him to communicate his concerns and then just disappear. I guess thats an avoidant for you.

Thank you for your answer, It’s exactly what I needed to be reminded Smile

OP posts:
supercali77 · 22/03/2022 16:53

Im not into you being told you might be 'too intense' OP. Too intense for who? Other intense people wont mind.

That said I think you are overthinking his comment and more to the point hes a grown adult. If the voices in his head about you not wanting him are overriding a clear message from you that you're there if he changes his mind then he's not ready however you look at it

Theyulelog · 22/03/2022 17:06

Well let’s just keep it simple.
Despite all of the above, if he wanted to be with you then he would.
He wouldn’t let two weeks go by without making contact.
Liking and viewing your social media posts means nothing. He’s being nosey, he has access to you without making any actual effort.
I think it’s shitty he’s kept you dangling for two weeks. If he needs more time away from you, then I would gather up your self respect and walk away.
By all means reach out and ask him directly what it is he’s wanting, if you do really want to be with him. If he’s wishy washy…fuck him! Let go and move on to
Someone far less complicated.
If you are all healed like you say,
You wouldn’t be entertaining people that fuck with your head.

DragonOverTheMoon · 22/03/2022 17:09

They've got rid of attachment styles in actual therapeutic work. It's just not come off of tiktok or pseudo therapy/self help sites. It's bollocks, you're either secure or not secure.

Watchkeys · 22/03/2022 17:23

@DragonOverTheMoon

They've got rid of attachment styles in actual therapeutic work. It's just not come off of tiktok or pseudo therapy/self help sites. It's bollocks, you're either secure or not secure.
It's as much bollocks as 'Some people panic and try too hard to fix problems, and some people run from problems'.

So, yes, if you think that concept is 'bollocks', you're absolutely right.

Where have you got the info from, that they've 'got rid' of them in 'actual' therapeutic work?

DragonOverTheMoon · 22/03/2022 17:33

From work and a recent 6 month training course with a leader in the field. I don't want to say more on here as I don't want to be outed. But if you were writing a dissertation/thesis you would probably reference him around trauma and looked after children.

NowEvenBetter · 22/03/2022 17:44

If you want to resume dating him, contact him and see, but no need for the navel gazing. He’s just a new boyfriend, relationships are meant to be fun, that’s the sole point of them.

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